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maintained by Zeke

APRIL 2006


April 1

The time has come! In the last couple of days, I've spoken of a decision I was making, a realization I was coming to. Now I can finally reveal what that realization is.

Those of you who have been coming here for a long time know that my greatest frustration about sf fandom is what I call the "basher mentality." It's what happens when you let your hatred of something decide your opinions for you, particularly when hating that thing is in. The canonical example is Voyager-bashing. A lot of fans decided early on that they hated Voyager, and not only did they never bother to re-examine that view, but they let it form a basis for their other views. Voyager was terrible, therefore shows like Babylon 5, Farscape, and Buffy were infinitely superior, and Brannon Braga was either an evil mastermind or just a fool (sometimes both at once).

The basher mentality can now be seen in almost any fandom. You get shows it's hip to hate (Enterprise) and shows it's hip to worship (Veronica Mars). In a The OC forum I visit, you can like the show as long as you're careful to show contempt for it too, and Marissa must be universally loathed. Anyone in the Metroid sequence-breaking community is expected to despise Metroid Fusion and fall at the feet of Metroid Prime. It's "snark," it's intellectual laziness, and Television Without Pity can tell you that right now it's about the most popular thing on the net.

Why fight it?

This is my epiphany: it's time to lay down my burdens. Basher fandoms are right. Kira was right. This is what sells. Falling into line, liking and hating what I'm told to, these are the things that make me better than other people. And ending sentences like this? Is totally cool.

So I'm giving in -- and Jammer and evay have taught me the perfect way to do that. From now on this is Five-Minute Battlestar Galactica, where Ron Moore is God and all things bend to his will! The front page will direct you to our newest and only subsite. I was so caught up with my epiphany that I haven't had time to write the actual fivers yet, but don't worry, they'll show the appropriate deference.

A bold new era has begun. So say we all!

(Note: The blurbs contain spoilers. And if you let yourself get spoiled about this unbelievable show, I will personally hunt you down like a dog, so don't.)



April 3

One of the problems we BSG jihadists face is that people are stubborn. No matter how many times we drill it into them, some people just don't get that this show kicks their behinds. What's needed, clearly, is a Top 10 list! So here for your future BSGvangelical work is The Top 10 Reasons Battlestar Galactica is Better Than You. You're welcome.

Of course, this site hasn't been fully converted yet either. But I've gotten a start on it -- the Statement of Purpose has now been cleansed. Perhaps this, and the new graphics (thanks to IJD GAF for the forum one), will make it clear to doubters that I'm not just whistling Boxey here.



April 6

You may have noticed there were no updates yesterday or Tuesday. I would have said something, but then it occurred to me that BSG only airs for half the year, so it makes perfect sense for me to update only every other day. And you'll suck it up and like it.

I do find myself a bit uncertain, though. The BSG thing isn't going over as well as I expected. Some of you actually want the Trek stuff back. Now on the one hand, I know that everything but BSG is garbage and you'll come to realize that in time, but on the other hand, my ego isn't liking this mixed feedback. Maybe going whole hog right away wasn't the best --

Zeke's Baltar Judgment: Are you crazy? BSG is full of sex!

You're right, dammit! Enough of this second-guessing! Let there be TJIs!



April 8

Okay, folks, you can resume breathing. Welcome back to FiveMinute.net -- no suffix.

For those who are new here, it's a tradition at this site to do April Fool's stunts that go longer than just one day. This was probably our strangest since the original in 2002, and it got a lot of different reactions. Far more people took it seriously than I expected. Some people may even be disappointed that it was a joke.

To explain a bit, I don't hate BSG. I don't worship it, but I think it's a good show. What I do hate is its fandom -- which I exaggerated for this event, but only slightly. This is a very old story with me; I've been crusading against the B5-worshippers, the Buffy-worshippers, and so on for as long as I've been running this site. Every time a new sf show comes along, it develops a cult based on how infinitely better that show is than Star Trek. We fans are like teenagers in a way -- it's all about rebelling against the establishment. (I guess that makes me like the teenager who thinks the establishment is fine and doesn't get invited to parties.)

But BSG gets under my skin more than any of those shows, because it has somehow managed to spread that line of thinking far beyond sf fandom. It's getting hard to find a blog, a webcomic, anything that's not into BSG. Trek site after Trek site is taking up Adama's aegis to replace Enterprise. And seemingly every one of these new fans thinks BSG is revolutionary and unique. There's a word for that: surrounded.

Now, I've made no secret over the years what I think of Ron Moore. His smugness and condescension toward the franchise that gave him his success began long before BSG. But I didn't let that decide my opinion of the show. I've watched every episode. And I'm here to say that it is not unique, it is not revolutionary, it is nothing we haven't seen before. It's great TV, but it doesn't deserve the pedestal it's on.

So will we be doing fivers? Heck yeah. But I had some steam to let off first.

Anyway, we're now back to normal (I'll repost the BSG stuff in Features), and I hope some of the new readers we've attracted this week will stick around. Our hitcounts were well above average. What annoys me, though, is that rather than coming here for this event, most of them came because Kira's comic fiver is suddenly getting posted about again. It's been there for a year, people! The April Fool's event was the new stuff! Yeesh...

Zeke's Baltar Judgment: That's show biz.

I thought I told you to get lost.



April 12

Let's see... what's next on the ol' to-do list?

[X] Annoy 90% of readership by trashing BSG
[X] Get avatar problem fixed
[X] Hit 2 million pageviews
[X] Publish latest Smallville fiver before it goes bad
[X] Talk Tarn-Vedra out of destroying the Earth, again
[X] Post the next three of Nate's 728 fivers

Ah yes, Smallville. Here's Derek's latest, "Void." It'll get no argument from me. *ba-dum chh*

(Oh, and I guess we hit 2 million pageviews.)



April 13

Easter cometh, so I'm heading back to Ottawa for about a week. Updates will probably be small and non-daily until I return.

Zeke's Better Judgment: What else is new?

Oh goody. You're back. How come Piro gets a babe like Seraphim and I'm stuck with you?

Zeke's Better Judgment: Don't envy him too much. A marriage with that kind of size difference has gotta be pretty awkward.

True love overcomes such obstacles. Just take Hank and Jan Pym, when they're being written by someone competent.

Zeke's Better Judgment: So not Chuck Austen?


Zeke's Better Judgment: Okay, I think it worked. We've built up at least a week's worth of geek jokes. You're clear to leave.

Built up what now?



April 20

At last, an update! I've had something Easter-themed in mind for a while now, but between being back in Ottawa and dealing with server trouble, I haven't been able to post it. Here's The Top 10 Places to Hide an Easter Egg on Star Trek: Voyager. (We all know how much I like Easter eggs.) I've also finally updated the main T10 page so that the last 20 lists can be gotten at directly, not just through their newsposts. You may want to drop by and see if there are some you've missed.



April 21

Here's Derek's latest Smallville fiver, "Fragile." I'm starting to find it really embarrassing that he's so punctual while I'm late with entire seasons. But on the other hand... uh... well, I can show that pi to the power of e is less than e to the power of pi without using a calculator. Let's see Clark Kent do that.

Uh, post-Crisis Clark Kent. Let's not get that pesky super-intelligence power involved.

Anyway, today we also have a link courtesy of Celeste: Cyanide and Happiness. It's definitely not worksafe and, like South Park, sits right on the border between "gross but funny" and "too gross to be funny." But when someone actually encourages my highly unhealthy addiction to webcomics, how can I say no?



April 23

Here are the next two of Nate's DS9 fivers, chosen for their interrelatedness: "His Way" and "The Sound of Her Voice." Expect to see many, many more of them. (He's Nate. It's what he does.)

In other news, the Trek community is hopping over the news that J. J. Abrams has been announced as director of Star Trek XI. I don't think a newspost is quite enough to convey how spectacularly I don't care, so look for an update on the subject.



April 24

Today I head back to Waterloo, so there won't be an update.

Nor will there be satisfaction.

And I try, you know.


April 26

Ha. I don't have to do that TJI now -- reality made my point for me. Abrams is apparently the producer, but he's not the director, and the Academy thing was just one more resurfacing of one of Trek's oldest rumours. It may all happen anyway, but this "announcement" still won't have mattered.

In the Andromeda episode I watched yesterday, Dylan quotes his mentor, Admiral Stark: "If your mother says she loves you, verify it." How much more should you verify what Variety magazine says?


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