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Five-Minute "His Way"

by Nate the Great

Bashir: You're gonna love Vic. He's been designed to be self-aware -- isn't that neat?
O'Brien: Why is that neat?
Vic: It's neat 'cause not only can I use slang to confuse you, I can help you with all your problems thanks to my amazing powers of observation. Oh, and next time leave the pyjamas behind. You look like a cadet review.

Bashir: We should hang out with Vic more often.
Worf: I would prefer not to.
Dax: We'll be there.
Worf: We'll be there.

Bashir: Vic's amazing -- he got me a date.
O'Brien: That is amazing. Computer, check sensors for flying pigs.

Quark: You're an idiot for letting Kira slip through your fingers.
Odo: When did I start listening to you?
Quark: Since you realized that I'm more lovable than you.
Odo: Oh, right. Tell me about Vic.

Quark: No Vic for you. He's booked.
Bashir: He's in a restaurant. How can he have a private booking?
Quark: Just go away. This "being nice" thing is exhausting, not to mention that whole "supporting a friend" conundrum.

Vic: You gotta make her see you as more than a friend. The first lesson is called "How to have fun with an illegal holographic replica of an officer."
Odo: You're lucky I'm so lovesick, or else I'd arrest... a hologram. Rats.
Vic: It's good to be me.

Vic: Here's a few hololadies to loosen you up.
Ginger: We're programmed to flirt with you.
Melissa: We love Vic so much that we'd hit on a statue.
Odo: I think you made them a bit too obvious.
Vic: I'm from the sixties. It's what I do.

Sisko: Why are you singing?
Odo: What's wrong with singing?
Sisko: It makes me wanna call for Red Alert -- it's weird!

Bashir: Kira's staying with Shakaar.
Dax: Rats. Odo won't like that.
Bashir: Odo?
Dax: Are you so oblivious that you haven't noticed the soap opera between Odo and Kira?
Bashir: I've been obsessing about having fun with Vic. Besides, I hate soap operas.

Vic: This is your date, Lola.
Odo: She's an illegal holographic duplicate -- wow, she's hot.
Vic: It's good to be me.

Kira: You're telling me Odo's been hanging around in a holosuite? That's impossible.
Vic: No more impossible than you refusing to admit you like him. Now come to the holosuite for dinner tonight so you can impersonate your holographic duplicate.
Kira: That sounds like a pathetic attempt at a sneaky plot.
Vic: I'm from the sixties. It's what I do.

Odo: Vic's cool, isn't he?
Kira: This is a date -- there are more important things to talk about.
Odo: Like how much I like it here with you?
Kira: That works.

Kira: We should go somewhere else.
Odo: You can't leave the holosuite, you're a program.
Kira: No I'm not! Vic!
Odo: No you're not? Vic!

Vic: See? You guys go great together!
Odo: You tricked us!
Vic: I'm from the sixties. It's what I do.

Dax: So what's up with Odo?
Kira: He tricked me! If I didn't love him so -- whoa!
Dax: Took long enough.

Kira: Hey, you! You tricked me, so let's go out!
Odo: Works for me. Let's kiss.

Odo: Thank you.
Vic: No problem. It's what I'm here for.
Odo: To trick people into solving their own problems?
Vic: I'm from the sixties. It's what I do.
(The station turns at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on April 23, 2006.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2006, Nate Grant.