Captain's Starlog: I can't believe what I've done. I think I may be losing my --|
Sisko: Computer, did I just say "Starlog"?
Sisko: (sigh) I am losing my mind.
It all started with the casualty list. Every Friday I have to post the latest "Sucks To Be These Casualties" notice from Starfleet.
Bashir: It's all because of those green-blooded Romulans!
O'Brien: You said it. If they didn't turn a blind eye and a pointed ear to the Jem'Hadar crossing their territory....
It was then that I reached a decision: whatever it took, I would convince the Romulans to either enter the war or round off their ears.
Sisko: Let's do some role-playing, old man. You're a Romulan strategist, and I argue that the Dominion is sure to turn on you eventually. What's your answer?
Dax: A human! How did you get into Romulan space? Guards!
Sisko: All right, let's say I take down the guards and you have to talk to me.
Dax: I demand to see proof!
Sisko: Blast, you're right. How can we prove the Dominion is --
Dax: No, proof that you could take down the guards. What's your THAC0?
And so I took my first step into darkness....
Sisko: Garak, I need your help. I'll give you whatever it takes.
Garak: Oh, I'm a simple man, Captain. I don't need much. Only... your SOUL!
Sisko: Why do I get the feeling I'll be grimly narrating this later?
Kira: (over the comm) Sorry to wake you, Captain, but we just got word that Betazed fell to the Dominion.
Sisko: Betazed? I'm going back to sleep. Call me if they get Vulcan.
Worf: It was an easy victory. The Tenth Fleet was distracted by a planet with shiny rings, and by the time the Betazoid leaders were finished discussing their feelings about the Dominion's arrival, the whole planet was conquered.
Sisko: Damn! We've got to turn this war around before... what's all that noise?
Kira: Odo's holding a "So Much For Lwaxana Troi" party.
Worf: He is? I'm so there!
Garak: The bad news is, the Dominion caught and killed all my contacts. That's also the good news -- I wasn't very fond of them.
Sisko: What do we do now? We need that proof!
Garak: Well, so far you're just assuming that it even exists. Instead, why don't we assume it doesn't, and produce some ourselves?
Sisko: What kind of proof would that be?
Garak: Reductio ad simulacrum.
Against my better judgment, I agreed to forge ahead.
Sisko: How's that? I call it "Damar's Head: A Masterpiece In Mashed Potato."
Garak: Perhaps you shouldn't do the forging, Captain. I happen to know someone with great talent for such things....
Tolar: Oh, THANK you for saving me from those awful Klingons! I'm SO grateful! I'll do my VERY best with this holoprogram -- as long as it doesn't interfere with PARTYING! Woo!
Sisko: (sigh) Why couldn't Garak just have found a nice Vulcan or something?
Tolar: Oh, that's just SILLY. No Vulcan is interested in forgery.
I should have seen it coming. This man was clearly nothing but trouble...
Odo: (over the comm) Odo to Sisko. Quark just got stabbed by one Grathon Tolar.
All right, maybe he had a redeeming quality or two.
Bashir: Quark'll be fine -- he was only stabbed once, if you can believe it. This Tolar does nothing for me.
Sisko: Thank you, Doctor. Quark, can I talk to you for a minute?
Quark: Sure. Let's talk about all the charges I'm going to press. Man, I'm gonna be pressing charges like an Orion pirate. You couldn't press more charges with an industrial charge-presser. It'll be like the Charge of the Press Briga--
Sisko: I get the picture. So... um. Well. What if... money?
Quark: First bribe, huh?
Sisko: Does it show?
That was bad enough... but we also needed an authentic Cardassian data rod.
Garak: I've found a seller, but he wants to be paid in bio-mimetic gel.
Sisko: What? That stuff is more dangerous than antimatter radiation! Or talking about it, even!
Garak: I'm afraid he wouldn't budge on this point, Captain. It's bio-way or the highway.
Sisko: Groan. Why can't we just give him some of Odo?
Bashir: Sir, this is outrageous. I can't possibly supply someone with bio-mimetic gel!
Sisko: If it helps, I think he's just going to use it to duplicate a pizza place.
Bashir: This order disgusts and appalls me... but because you're my superior officer, I'll follow it.
Sisko: You'd make a lousy captain with that attitude.
Holo-Weyoun: ...at which point the rest of the Romulan fleet will be unable to stop us. What do you think, Damar?
Holo-Damar: DUH. I ARE STOOPID.
Sisko: Garak, are you sure you're the best person to write this script?
Garak: Are you implying that the dialogue is less than true-to-life?
It was nearly time for Senator Vreenak to arrive. The only thing easing my mind was that Starfleet had officially approved my plan.
Computer: That might be because you said the plan was to poke Vreenak with a stick until he gave in.
I was being metaphorical.
Garak: While you're talking with Vreenak, I'm going to sneak aboard his ship and... uh... do something legal.
Sisko: Sure, that sounds above-board. Is the deck secure, Mr. Worf?
Worf: Yes, but I remain confused that you assigned the security arrangements to me rather than Odo.
Sisko: I just think the Romulans might get snippy with him because of his species. You shouldn't have that problem.
Sisko: Welcome to Deep Space Nine, Senator. I'm --
Vreenak: -- bald, yes. You know, if there's one thing we Romulans hate, it's bald humans. And there is one thing we hate. Know what it is? Bald humans.
Sisko: I get the feeling this'll be a tough sell.
I began by trying to persuade Vreenak with a civilized discussion.
Sisko: Wanna join the war?
Vreenak: Sure. Psych!
If only he hadn't possessed that famous Romulan cunning....
Holo-Weyoun: Then it's agreed. We will begin preparations for the invasion of Romulus at once.
Holo-Damar: Heh heh. Romulans suck. BURN!
Sisko: You see, Senator? Not only are they planning to betray you, they think you suck.
Vreenak: Those treacherous swine! This changes everything. I'll show this data rod to the Praetor as soon as I've checked that it's real.
Sisko: You're not sure it really exists? Now that's just silly, Senator. If you can't trust your own eyes, what can you trust?
Vreenak: I'm a Romulan. Not trusting things is what we do.
My dad always says not to waste time worrying. That's easy when your biggest worry is a random inspection by the FSPCA, but I had just gambled the entire Federation on a forgery. Hm, maybe Dad should have been worried about that too. Anyway....
Sisko: Well, Senator? How did --
Vreenak: (holding up the data rod) CONNNNNNNNNNN!
Vreenak ranted that it's only okay for the Romulans to lie to us, not the other way around. I can't believe we agreed to that clause in the Treaty of Algeron. He took off and the Federation would have been cosmically hosed, but two days later....
Worf: Oh no -- the Dominion just destroyed some Romulan senator's ship!
O'Brien: Worf, that's great news! It may get them on our side!
Worf: Oh, hey, you're right. I hadn't really thought past somebody other than me getting to kill Romulans.
Garak: You hit me! Picard never hit me!
Sisko: This was your plan all along, wasn't it? You knew the forgery wouldn't fool Vreenak!
Garak: Frankly, I'm amazed it fooled you. Tolar whipped it up in ten minutes in Microsoft HoloDocument. I killed him too, by the way.
Sisko: I can't believe this! How could you betray me?
Garak: You know, there's this old Cardassian parable about a scorpion....
So that's the story. I did terrible things, and all we got out of it was a much, much better chance of winning the war. I'm so mad I could just erase this entire log.
Computer: What? Don't you care about making me waste all this time?
Sisko: Oh, I care. But I can live with it.
(Sisko erases the log at Ludicrous Speed)