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Five-Minute "Inquisition"

by Nate the Great

Odo: Let me guess, you're going to a resort planet for a medical conference.
Bashir: How'd you guess?
Odo: You're already wearing sunscreen.
Bashir: You should always wear sunscreen.

Bashir: You're an idiot to go kayaking when you know you'll dislocate your shoulder.
O'Brien: The river calls to me.
Bashir: I thought you were on the holodeck. Only the Great Material Continuum can talk.
O'Brien: It's more fun kayaking on latinum than you'd think.

Computer: Time to wake up, Doctor.
Bashir: No way.
Computer: Way. Get going.
Bashir: At least I get to look forward to --
Computer: The bridge. You're grounded.
Bashir: What else can go wrong?

O'Brien: Internal affairs is here.
Bashir: That's what can go wrong.
Sisko: Sloan is here to interrogate all of you. Please cooperate with him so we can all get on with our lives.
Sloan: By the way, your vacation is cancelled, Doctor.
Bashir: Can I crawl back into bed then?
Sloan: No.

Sloan: So you were a prisoner of the Dominion?
Bashir: Yeah. Had a terrible time.
Sloan: I'm going to compliment you until you tell me to stop, okay?
Bashir: That'll be a long wait.

Kagan: Here's your breakfast, sir.
Bashir: No, this is Worf's breakfast.
Kagan: Not my problem.
Bashir: If it turns out he hates scones, it will be your problem.
Kagan: You think he'd hunt someone down for giving him scones instead of gagh?
Bashir: Oh right, he drinks prune juice. Rats.

O'Brien: (over the comm) Sloan grilled me for two hours. He's interested in you for some reason.
Bashir: I wonder why?
O'Brien: Well, if it was me, I'd be a bit peeved that an interrogation went so well that the suspect asked for scones instead of rations.
Bashir: Oh, right.

Sloan: You say you were in solitary confinement for five days, Martok says it was seven. You care to make a guess as to who I'm going to believe?
Bashir: Since I'm here, I'm guessing you're going to go with Martok.
Sloan: You seemed to escape rather easily. Do you think the Dominion wanted you to escape? I think they programmed you to be an unknowing spy.
Bashir: You're crazy. No more questions without a lawyer and a formal charge.
Sloan: You're on awfully thin ice, Doctor.
Bashir: I'm sleep-deprived, beach-deprived, and scone-deprived. Have you any idea what a scone-deprived Englishman is capable of doing?
Sloan: Point taken.

Sisko: I'm going to sit in with Bashir now to protect his rights.
Sloan: Fine. You tried to cure Jem'Hadar of their white addiction. You're a sympathizer at least, that's been proven already. Besides, you agreed with the genetically enhanced crazies that we should surrender. That makes you a traitor!
Sisko: I wouldn't put it like that.
Sloan: Oh yeah, and he betrayed you the whole time by refusing to confess that he was enhanced!
Sisko: Fine, I have doubted his loyalty! Are you happy now?
Sloan: Time will tell.

Sloan: Sign the confession or you're going to jail.
Bashir: Not a chance. I'd rather be beamed to a Dominion ship than lie.
Sloan: Wow, he's beaming away. Maybe he is a man of his word after all.

Weyoun: We convinced you to work for us. You keep repressing your memory so you can be an undercover agent.
Bashir: That isn't possible.
Weyoun: Would you like some scones?
Bashir: I'm sorry, I was eating. What'd you say?

Weyoun: The Defiant is attacking!
Kira: And we're rescuing you.
Bashir: Not until I finish my scones, you're not!

Sisko: You're a traitor! Take him away!
Bashir: It's all Sloan's fault! It's -- hey, Chief, your arm's all right!
O'Brien: Why wouldn't it be?
Bashir: Because this is all a trick. Miles is a rotten liar, and that rolled off your tongue just a little too easily.

Sloan: Well done, Doctor. Care to remove that itchy implant now?
Bashir: You're the one? You're the reason I lost three straight dart games to Miles because my itch kept throwing off my aim?
Sloan: Well, yeah....
Bashir: You're dead. If the scones weren't bad enough, that was the last straw!

Sloan: I'm from Section 31. We're so awesome -- we can do anything, we're answerable to no one, and we get to wear these cool evil leather outfits.
Bashir: I find it hard to believe the Federation is capable of creating such an organization.
Sloan: An organization that can do anything or an organization that has leather uniforms?
Bashir: Both.

Sloan: Anyway, we want to hire you.
Bashir: Not a chance.
Sloan: You will work for us.
Bashir: How can you be so sure?
Sloan: I'm a shadowy villain. I know everything.

Odo: Section 31 makes sense to me. The existence of it at least, if not the methods.
Sisko: Next time Sloan shows up, you're going to join him.
Bashir: So I get to not only be a secret agent in real life, I get to be a double agent?
Sisko: Yup.
Bashir: That seems like it'd be an irrational, illogical thing to do. Sounds like fun.
(The station turns at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on June 29, 2006.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2006, Nate Grant.