Five-Minute "Recruit"
by Derek Dean
oop: Yeah? Then why are you in pajamas? (PUKE)
Lois: What am I doing in my pajamas?
Coop: Hic. Maybe it's because you want me in your bed.
Lois: No, that's not it.
Coop: Maybe you'll change your mind if I force myself on you.
Lois: Maybe I'll just kick you and run away.
Pa Kent: Clark, I'm asking you one more time, don't play football. You'll completely screw up any Superman continuity you might still have.
Clark: Don't worry, dad. I've been able to hide my powers before.
Pa Kent: (cough) Oh, by the way, no drinking while being recruited by the Met U football team. You're underage.
Clark: Huh? Where did that come from?
Pa Kent: Plot point.
Chloe: Okay, I'm confused about what you're doing here.
Lois: I just told you. I was arrested for paralyzing a guy with my kick and I got out on bail.
Chloe: Right, but what are you doing here in Smallville since everything happened in Metropolis?
Lois: Don't you know? Smallville is a suburb of Metropolis. Sometimes.
Chloe: Uh-huh. And why are you here at high school in the middle of a school day?
Lois: You mean you actually go to class? Weird. I just thought you came here to hang out in the halls.
Chloe: Clark, I'm surprised you play football with all your powers.
Clark: Powers? You mean like my power of persuasion and power of editorializing for the Torch?
Chloe: No, I mean your super-speed and super-strength.
Clark: What are you saying exactly?
Jason: So I've decided to turn down your lucrative offer.
Lex: Maybe you'll change your mind if I mention a whole bunch of questionable things about your mother.
Jason: Well....
Lois: Look, Coop, I'm really sorry for hurting you, and... Is this the Smallville hospital?
Chloe: No, it's the Met U student hospital thingy.
Lois: But it looks exactly like the Smallville hospital.
Chloe: Shhh!
Evil Mwahaha-Linebacker Villain: You'll really like playing football for Met U. Our alumni are really corrupt, and they'll give you cars.
Clark: That's --
Evil Mwahaha-Linebacker Villain: Or trucks like this one. It's got GPS, OnStar, air conditioning, four-wheel drive, and anti-lock brakes.
Clark: Wow, but --
Evil Mwahaha-Linebacker Villain: Test drive one today at your local dealer. Act now and you can get up to $5000 cash back!
Clark: Who are you talking to?
Cheerleaders: We love you, Clark!
Teammates: We respect you, Clark!
Alumni: We own you, Clark!
Clark: Ah, it's great being a hero.
Evil Mwahaha-Linebacker Villain: And here we are at the sorority house where the girls literally throw themselves at you if you're a football star.
Sorority Girls: *giggle* (THUMP!)
Clark: Then why aren't they interested in you if you're such a big hero?
Evil Mwahaha-Linebacker Villain: Uh.... Good question.
Sorority Girl 1: Come on, Clark, have sex with me.
Sorority Girl 2: And me. At the same time.
Clark: Without giving you or the audience clear reasons, no.
Sorority Girls: Awwwww....
Evil Mwahaha-Linebacker Villain: So, Coop, how do you feel after I paralyzed you?
Coop: ...
Evil Mwahaha-Linebacker Villain: Unfortunately I'm going to have to kill you now. You don't have any problems with that do you? Speak now, or forever rest in peace.
Coop: !!!
Evil Mwahaha-Linebacker Villain: Judges? No, I'm sorry. Triple exclamation marks don't count.
Jason: So Lex offered me a lucrative job.
Lana: Don't you see? He's trying to split us up!
Jason: ...How?
Evil Mwahaha-Linebacker Villain: Alas, poor Coop. I knew him, Clark.
Clark: Yeah, it sucks that he's dead.
Evil Mwahaha-Linebacker Villain: In a symbolic gesture, would you like a beer?
Clark: No, my dad told me not to.
Evil Mwahaha-Linebacker Villain: In a foreshadowing statement, I wouldn't be drinking if it weren't for the pressure.
Clark: Wow, the metaphor is much more subtle in this episode than a lot of the others.
Piss Boy: Give me my money for my urine.
Evil Mwahaha-Linebacker Villain: Piss off, jerk. Else I'll paralyze you and leave you wetting your pants.
Clark: Ha! My super-hearing picked up that conversation perfectly. But what did he mean by it?
Clark: Lois, Chloe! Evil Mwahaha-Linebacker Villain is this week's evil villain! He has paralysis powers.
Lois: Yes! I'm exonerated!
Chloe: Yes, but it's very troubling that a guy with super powers would use them on the football field. Why, that's almost like cheating!
Clark: Are you trying to tell me something?
Evil Mwahaha-Linebacker Villain: You looking for me?
Lois: Yes. We know what you're up to, and we know you're evil.
Evil Mwahaha-Linebacker Villain: No, I'm not! I'm just a tragic character. I didn't want to use my powers evilly on the field, just like I don't want to use them now to drown you.
Lois: Crap.
Chloe: Clark! Evil Mwahaha-Linebacker Villain drove off with Lois, but I don't know where!
Clark: Wait, he told me his car has a tracking system! Wow, there was actually a point to the sales pitch.
Chloe: According to my computer, he's at the corner of Third and Main.
(WHOOSH!)
Chloe: I don't know which is worse: That he super-ran off without a pretense, or that before last week's episode, I wouldn't have thought anything of it.
Clark: Where's Lois?
Evil Mwahaha-Linebacker Villain: See, I'm a tragic villain. I don't want to be like I am. I didn't mean to stick Lois down the sewer to drown her, it's just that --
(WHOOSH!)
Clark: Crap! A metal door is keeping me from Lois. Should I use my super strength to open it? No, wait, I know!
(Clark uses his heat vision. Naturally the door doesn't melt, but EXPLODES off both sides and falls into the water, still missing Lois.)
Clark: Mom and Dad, I've decided not to take the Met U scholarship. I've learned a lot about the temptation to use my powers for evil from this week's villain.
Pa Kent: What I'd like to learn is what happened to him.
Clark: I think he's still trying to convince the police he's a tragic character.
Lex: Hey Lana, here's a picture of Jason and his mom from before you met him.
Lana: So? It's Jason's mom.
Lex: Yes, but she was living in the Hamptons then.
Lana: It was probably just a vacation.
Lex: Oh, just distrust him already.
Lana: GASP! THAT BASTARD!
Lois: Thanks for saving my life, Clark. By the way, now that I've been kicked out of college, can I live with you?
Clark: Well, we'd kind of need to check with my parents, since it's --
Lois: Great! Thanks!
Chloe: Clark! I've been accepted to Met U so we'll see each other all the time now!
Clark: Sorry, Chloe. I've turned down my scholarship.
Chloe: I'm proud of you, Clark. You really should use your powers to fight for truth, justice, and the American way.
Clark: Um, thanks. Well, anyway, I think I'm going to stand on the Met U stadium floor again and listen to some fresh new band play a song.
(Clark does just that at Ludicrous Speed)
THE END
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DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.
All material © 2005, Derek Dean.