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Five-Minute "Krypto"

by Derek Dean

vil Mwahaha-Dog-Trainer Villain: I think I saw him running off with the owner's watch.
Eviller Mwahaha-Dog-Trainer Villain: Do you know what this means? Einstein has become the world's first time traveller!

Pa Kent: Why is there a dog in our house? Why is he eating our leftovers?
Clark: And I thought putting your food in a doggy bag was just an expression.
Pa Kent: Please, no jokes at 3 AM. Especially not bad ones. Now would someone just tell me who let the dogs out?
Lois: Wasn't me. After hitting him with my car, I chained him up in the barn.
Clark: PETA must love you.

Chloe: Hey, Clark. How's life with Lois? She find out about your powers yet?
Clark: No, not yet. Wait, what powers?
Chloe: Just remember, I'm here for you as a potential love interest.
Clark: Talking to you gets more and more confusing.

Clark: Here, boy. I'm going to chain you to this tractor. Now don't leave the tractor, okay?
Einstein: ARF!
Tractor: CRASH!
Lois: Oh my gosh! What did you do?
Clark: It was the dog, I swear!
Chloe: Suuuuure, Clark. I believe you.

Evil Mwahaha-Dog-Trainer Villain: Can I help you?
Clark: Yeah, can you read the dog tag on this dog?
Evil Mwahaha-Dog-Trainer Villain: Uh, sure.
Einstein: ARF ARF!
Evil Mwahaha-Dog-Trainer Villain: On second thought, maybe you can do it.
Clark: Way to go, Einstein.

Jason's Mom: Why didn't you give Jason a job like I asked?
Lex: What makes you think I didn't?
Jason's Mom: Why hasn't he broken with up with Lana yet?
Lex: Am I his keeper?
Jason's Mom: Did I say you were?
(repeat ad nauseam)

Ma Kent: It's so nice having a dog around the house. It's like the
daughter I never had.
Pa Kent: What about Lois?
Ma Kent: Jonathan! That wasn't very nice.

Clark: Does LuthorCorp do experiments on dogs?
Lex: Well, hello to you too. Long time no see.
Clark: Just answer the question.
Lex: Yeah, with liquid meteor rock, just like we do on everything else. Why? Did a dog do something incredible?
Clark: Um... no. I was just wondering.
Lex: Good grief, could you be more transparent?

Hercules: GRRR! ARF ARF ARF!
Pa Kent: Good dog, nice dog, good teenagers take off your clothes. Come on.
Einstein: ARF ARF ARF ARF!
Ma Kent: Look! The brown dog is fighting off the black dog! He's baring his teeth like he's hungry!
Lois: Well, you know what they say, "It's a dog-eat-dog world."

Clark: Dad, I heard the dog broke your arm! Are you okay?
Pa Kent: Yes, but Clark there's something I need to tell you. With all the brown dog has done, he'll have to be put down when this adventure is over.
Clark: Put down? But dad, when you found me, did you put me down?
Pa Kent: Well, we tried. It's just that you're invincible.

Jason: Ha, I know all your secrets, mom!
Jason's Mom: Oh no! Not the one about the clown, the tiger, and the spandex jumpsuit last year!
Jason: Okay, almost all your secrets. Like the one about your obsession over the Countess Isabelle and her being Lana's ancestor.
Jason's Mom: But here's something you don't know: Isabelle was put to death by Gertrude, and we are her ancestors.
Jason: No, mom, we're her descendants.

Clark: Lois, look at this book in the vet's locker! It's evil secret plans to rob an armored car later this afternoon.
Lois: How did you figure that out so quickly?
Clark: Well, the big words "EVIL SECRET PLAN TO ROB AN ARMORED CAR THIS AFTERNOON" on the cover was a help.

Clark: Look! There's the armored car! You go help the guards; I'll go help the dogs.
Lois: You are always trying to split the two of us up. What's up with that?
Clark: I work alone.
Lois: If that's a Batman and Robin reference, I'm going to hit you.

Clark: Come on, brown dog, I'm going to free you!
Hercules: WHINE! WHINE!
Clark: Do you mind? I'm busy saving the brown dog.
Liquid Kryptonite: CRASH! SPLASH!
Clark: GAH! Too... much... kryptonite! Should... have... seen... it... coming!

Evil Mwahaha-Dog-Trainer Villain: Where did Einstein go? And why's this kid here in the armored car? Gasp! Maybe Einstein's a shape-shifter!
Eviller Mwahaha-Dog-Trainer Villain: Idiot, you already saw the two of them together earlier.
Evil Mwahaha-Dog-Trainer Villain: Oh yeah.

Eviller Mwahaha-Dog-Trainer Villain: All right, time to torch the armored car and everything in it, including Clark.
Evil Mwahaha-Dog-Trainer Villain: As the less evil villain, I think I need to take a moment to express my reluctance in doing such evil, evil deeds.
Evil Mwahaha-Dog-Trainer Villain: Okay. Light it up.

Einstein: (For those who weren't able to guess from my name, I'm the brains of the operation, so I can easily rescue Clark from his cage.)
Clark: Wow, thanks, boy, you're really smart. When we get home I'll give you some Beggin Strips.
Einstein: (IT'S BACON!)

Lana: So what did you find out about Jason's family?
Chloe: That depends. If I tell you they were descendants of Gertrude will you become possessed again?
Lana: I don't know, but there's only one way to find out.
Chloe: Let's do it.

Jason: Who the heck are you?
Lionel: Oh come on, how can you not know me? I'm Lionel Luthor. The Lionel Luthor. The magnificently evil villain who is so awesome he doesn't need little clichés like Mwahaha to denote his evilness.
Jason: So you're related to Lex?
Lionel: Sigh. I'm just going to give you this map and then go cry over my lost legacy.

Lois: So what are we going to name the dog?
Clark: I don't know: Krypto, Copernicus, Stompy, whatever. Just as long as we don't call him Lassie.
Ma Kent: Good news. We've decided to let you keep the dog, just as long as you tie this red towel around his neck.
Clark: Cool.
Ma Kent: And bleach his hair.
(More Superman comics references happen at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on October 28, 2005.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2005, Derek Dean.