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Five-Minute "Pariah"

by Derek Dean

b>Alicia: I promise I'll never TELL anyone about your secret.
Jack: Don't let go, Rose. Don't let go.

Chloe: La la la. Is there even a point to this song?
Lois: Well, I was thinking I could use this time to single out the only new character for this episode, who must obviously be this week's Mwahaha villain.
Evil Mwahaha-Student Villain: Hey, I resent that! I might be good!
Lois: Please, you're about as good as Clark's new girlfriend.

Lana: I can't believe you'd dare bring Alicia here after what she did to me.
Jason: Yeah, Clark. Geez.
Clark: Wait, how do you know about her? And how does Lois for that matter?
Jason: Lana told me about all the people who have threatened her life.
Clark: All of them? And I thought The Lord of the Rings took forever....

(cue creepy shower scene music)
Lana: Showering, showering, la la la la.
Lana Body Double: Showering, showering, la la la la.
Lana: Showering, showering, AAAAAAH!
Jason: Lana? Oh no! Why didn't you pay attention to the creepy shower scene music? Why did it have to be you and not your body double?!

Clark: So who did this?
Chloe: Well, not to jump to conclusions, but Alicia did it.

Clark: You didn't do it, right?
Alicia: Right.
Clark: And I can believe you because you have your magical transporter-inhibiter bracelet thing on, right?
Alicia: Uh....
Clark: Crap.

Jason: Lana, I don't feel comfortable leaving you here alone since you're invariably a target.
Ma Kent: That's okay. Clark and I will stay here with Lana so you can go off alone by yourself.
Jason: Aw, thanks guys. Your concern for Lana just gets me all choked up.

Jason's Mom: Jason? Are you okay? I heard you were choked. Do you need to see another doctor? Maybe a medicine woman?
Jason: Drop the pretense, mom. Why are you really here?
Jason's Mom: I'm here to make your accusation of me hooking you and Lana up seem patently absurd, thereby convincing the audience that it is obviously true. A good plot twist here would be to actually have it be absurd.
Jason: Fortunately we're on Smallville, so we don't have to worry about that.

Clark: It was you who choked Jason. I saw your scarf around his neck!
Alicia: It wasn't me, I swear. If you just tell the town about your powers, I'll be exonerated.
Clark: How does that work?
Alicia: I don't know. But show your powers anyway.

Clark: Sheriff, you're back!
Sheriff: What's on my back? Did someone put another "Kick Me" sign on it?
Clark: I mean, it just seems like I haven't seen you for a year or so.
Sheriff: Oh, that. Well, I have a very good reason for that, just don't ask me what.

Alicia: Hey, Chloe. Wanna find out Clark's secret? I can't tell you it, but I can show you it.
(Alicia and Chloe teleport out of the car. Naturally this causes the car not to decelerate, but to accelerate until it hits some unidentifiable something which makes it flip in the air three times and be caught by Clark.)
Chloe: Why did you show me that?! Now I'll either be killed soon or become unimportant until I'm written out of the show like Pete.
Alicia: Oh don't worry about that, Pete was never important.

Lex: Hello, Mrs. Teague.
Jason's Mom: Please don't be so formal, you can just call me Jason's mom.
Lex: So would you like to have some ambiguous dialogue that, in classic Smallville tradition, sounds like a verbal chess match even though we don't know what we're talking about or who won, or do you actually want me to do something?
Jason's Mom: Both please.

Lois: So what am I doing here at the museum or wherever this is?
Evil Mwahaha-Student Villain: I asked you on a date. By the way, I'm an evil mwahaha-student villain. Don't know if I mentioned that yet.
Lois: Um, no, actually you hadn't.

Lex: How would you like $100,000 a year to expose your mother's nefarious scheme?
Jason: Sounds great, but how do I know I can trust you?
Lex: You don't... but I'm paying you $100,000 a year.
Jason: Good point, boss.

Clark: What? Alicia's dead? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Jor-El: It is forbidden for you to interfere with human history.
Clark: Yeah, thanks for that when I can't even fly against the rotation of Earth.
Lois: My showing up here is probably symbolic, isn't it?

Evil Mwahaha-Student Villain: Ha! I'm the Evil Mwahaha-Student Villain! Mwahahaha!
Clark: Go go Gadget Heat Vision!
Lois: No! Don't kill him!
Clark: Uh, if I were going to kill him, I would've done it when I was frying him with my heat vision.
Lois: You're still using your heat vision.
Clark: Heh. Whoops. Just forget you ever saw that.

Chloe: Lois, if you knew a secret something about someone, would you tell them you knew?
Lois: No, if they were a close friend, I wouldn't tell them and yet still be supportive.
Chloe: Wow, thanks, that makes my decision a lot easier.
Lois: Unless of course it's Clark, because then he'll find out that you've found out and then he'll feel all hurt and betrayed that you didn't tell him and never speak to you again.
Chloe: Crap.
(Chloe struggles with Clark's secret at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on May 25, 2005.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2005, Derek Dean.