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Five-Minute "Unsafe"

by Derek Dean

Alicia: Hey, Clark! Guess what? I'm cured! Let's get back together.
Clark: Hm. On one hand, just last year you were a freaky psychotic chick who tried to kill people; on the other hand, you're a REALLY attractive freaky psychotic chick.
Alicia: *giggle*

Lana: Jason, why haven't you called me?
Jason: Because this show sucks and I figure the more I distance myself from it, the more likely it is that I might be able to get another job when this show's over.
Lana: Ohhhh...

Lex: Dad? What are you --
Lionel: Don't try to fill this episode with plot and character intrigue, let's get back to the SEX!

Alicia: Sleep with me, Clark.
Clark: Without giving you or the audience clear reasons, no.
Alicia: Then put on this necklace with glowing red rocks.
Clark: Oh, okay.
Alicia: Now will you sleep me?
Clark: Yes, but I'm such a pillar of moral responsiblity, that even in my red-K-induced state, I have to marry you before having sex.
Alicia: *giggle*

Lana: I think Jason wants to have sex with me.
Chloe: Do people actually even have sex on this show or is it all just titillation and inuendo? Even the Kents can't have kids!
Lana: See, he's in college, and I'm just a high schooler.
Chloe: Please, nobody's buying that anymore.

Clark: Now we're married and we can have the S-word!
Alicia: What do swords have to do with anything? Just be gentle with me, okay?
Clark: Considering the last time I was under red-K's influence I went around beating people up and smashing ATMs and just generally taking whatever I want, you can rest assured that I will be very gentle and will always consider your feelings in the matter.
Alicia: *giggle*

Jason: Uh, why are these candles around here? Why are you dressed in almost nothing?
Lana: Well, we're going to have sex. And it's going to be very special.
Jason: Sorry, we can't for two resons: First, I don't think my mom would like it. Second and more disturbingly, I'm afraid she would.
Lana: So I should stop unbuttoning this shirt?
Jason: Uh....

Lex: It disturbs me in an episode all about sex, my only interaction is with you.
Lionel: Ew, don't even go there. Not only is it slash, it's incestual slash.

Alicia: I think before we really go through with it, I should take off this necklace.
Clark: Gasp! You drugged me with red-K!
Alicia: Who cares? We're still married; why don't we go ahead and do it all the way?
Clark: Uh, no. Things are already screwed up as they are, no reason to add to it.
Alicia: Well, can I at least strike a few more poses in my sexy lingerie so everyone will be sure to remember me in their dreams tonight?
Clark: Sure!

Evil Mwahaha-Psychiatrist Villain: Ha! I'm the Evil Mwahaha-Psychiatrist Villain! Mwahahaha!
Clark: Do you serve any purpose at all in this episode?
Evil Mwahaha-Psychiatrist Villain: No, but all Smallville episodes must have a cheesy climax with an evil villain at the end. It's part of the formula. Now I'm going to shoot you.

Alicia: Notice how I was shot on the right side? That means I'm still alive.
Clark: So you'll be a recurring character?
Alicia: As long as I can fit into my sexy, sexy lingerie.

Martha: I'm really disappointed with you, Clark.
Clark: But Mom, it wasn't me, it was the red kryptonite!
Martha: Don't give me any of your logic. It has no place here.
(The show reaches new lows at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on May 9, 2005.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2005, Derek Dean.