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Five-Minute "Vortex"

by Scooter

ana: AIEEEE!
Tornado: YUM!
Clark: Lana!
Chloe: (sniff)
Roger Nixon: Aha!
Jonathan: Bastard!
Lionel: Help!
Lex: Meh.

Spaceship: Whee! This is the life.... What th--? The octagonal key doesn't lock in?
Earth's Gravity: C'mere.
Spaceship: Oh no, not again.

Lana: I'm not on the ground. I must be up inside the cyclone.
Clark: Hang on!
Lana: Clark? How'd you get up here?
Clark: I borrowed Miss Gulch's bicycle.

Helen Hunt: Come on, get the Ping-Pong balls set up.
Bill Paxton: Wait, we can't use that tornado, it's got people flying in it.
Helen Hunt: Dang it. Stupid tornado surfers.

Nixon: You want to fight me? Okay, fine. Put up your Dukes.
Jonathan: I'm warning you, fighting me is extremely Hazzardous.

Lionel: Help me, son! You can't let me die.
Lex: Why not?
Lionel: Didn't you notice I'm in the opening credits now? You can't kill off a regular. Not in the season premiere, anyway.
Lex: Crap.

Jonathan: I'm not going to let you exploit my family!
Nixon: Ignorant yokel. Does it take a house falling on you to realize that this is the news story of the century?
House: Funny you should mention. (WHAM!)

Clark: There, there, lie quiet now. You just had a bad dream.
Lana: But it wasn't a dream -- it was a place. And you were there. And you -- and you --
Clark: Um, I don't think Nurse Extra was there.

Jonathan: You okay?
Nixon: Yeah. But someone stole my ruby slippers.

Random Doctor: That beam falling on your father's leg severely damaged his optic nerve.
Lex: Okay... So is this where I get to use my weekly line about flying in top medical specialists from Metropolis?
Doctor: Shore thing. I'm jest a hick country doctor an' all, so I was jest gonna hook him up to mah moonshine d'stiller and let 'er rip.
Lex: You're being sarcastic, right?
Doctor: Pretty much.

Chloe: Figures. Clark left me for you.
Lana: Chloe, he left the dance to somehow rescue me from certain death.
Chloe: Okay, "blah blah blah me blah blah blah." Not everyone can get sucked up by a hurricane every week.
Lana: Didn't Clark rescue you that time when you were buried alive?
Chloe: Oh sure, throw that in my face.

Lex: Searching for your father like this reminds me of me. You know, because I almost let my father die today.
Clark: I'd think less of you if the script let me. But I'm warning you, one more revelation and I might actually mistrust you. On an unrelated note, I wonder who that car up in the tree belongs to?
Lex: Um, certainly not that stranger Roger Nixon, whom I don't know, that's for certain. Hey, why don't you search over there for a while?

Nixon: (answering cell phone) Lex? Is that you?
Jonathan: (smashing phone) You suck.

Lex: Nixon? Can you hear me now?
Clark: (grabbing flashlight) You suck.

Martha: This is just like the meteor shower. (sigh) Good times, good times.
Lana: Clark, what exactly happened yesterday?
Clark: Well, there was this tornado, which is caused when rising air within a thunderstorm updraft tilts a rotating air disturbance --
Lana: Never mind.

Jonathan: The walls of this crypt are lead-lined. Clark won't be able to see through them.
Nixon: What's with the Talking Killer Syndrome? Why are you telling me things about your son I didn't know?
Jonathan: (shrugs) Something to do.

Lex: Look, I admit Nixon offered me information about you but I promise I didn't inhale.
Clark: Well...
Lex: I'll give you a special map in exchange for your forgiveness.
Clark: Mmmm-okay. I'll like you again, but don't expect me to like it.
Lex: Fair enough.

Clark: Dad! Where are you?
Jonathan: Son!
Collapsing Wall: Not yet.
Jonathan: Crap.

Clark: Thanks for helping with the search, Chloe. I'm, um, sorry about the dance.
Chloe: It's okay. Maybe it's better if we're just friends.
Clark: Excellent! Thanks!
Chloe: Grrr. So much for reverse psychology.

Chloe: Clark dumped me.
Pete: I'm sorry. My friend Travis told me all about getting dumped.
Chloe: Who?

Jonathan: ...And then when he was, like, eighteen months old, this is the cutest thing, he actually ate Martha's sewing machine. You should have seen his Pampers that night!
Nixon: I can't believe I'm saying this, but shut up!

City Doctor: I say we should operate immediately.
Country Doctor: I reckon it's as dangerous as greasin' up an angry polecat in a thunderstorm.
Lex: Um... um... Bruce Vilanch to block.
Tom Bergeron: Bruce, Lionel Luther is up for extremely risky eye surgery. Should Lex tell them to go ahead?
Bruce Vilanch: Hon, if you don't order that surgery he's going to wake up feeling like Monica Lewinsky -- in a world without cigars!
Lex: What? Whatever. I agree.
Tom Bergeron: (buzz) Sorry, the correct answer is the operation makes him permanently blind.
Lex: Crap. I knew I should've gone on "Match Game."

Clark: According to this map there's supposed to be a church out in Schuster Field. In the middle of nowhere, with no roads nearby and nothing around for miles.
Martha: I remember, that was the old Our Lead-Lined Lady of Mount Nusquam Church and Crypt. It was destroyed in the meteor shower.
Pete: That's where we saw that smashed-up house that we yelled at but didn't actually search.
Clark: We've looked everywhere else, and whatever you search for is always in the last place you look, so he must be there. Okay, well, now that we solved that, I'm going to go, um, get a coffee. See you later! (whoosh)
Pete: Why is there always a draft when Clark leaves?
Martha: Um, lake effect?
Pete: Oh, okay.

Clark: Dad, I found you -- GAH! (collapses)
Jonathan: Roger, since I'm trapped by debris, could you do me a favor and move Clark away from those meteor rocks? He's allergic.
Nixon: (stuffing Clark's pockets with meteor rocks) Sure thing.
Jonathan: Hey, I trusted you!
Nixon: Why? I'm the villain, you moron.
Jonathan: But you were such a good listener.

Nixon: Now, Clark, it's time for my getaway. Wait -- dude, where's my car?
Car in the Tree: Hi.
Nixon: Definitely not shibby.

Jonathan: Too bad I wasn't as trapped as I thought. (SLUG!)
Nixon: Too bad you're not as impervious as your son. (SMASH!)
Lex: Too bad you forgot I always carry a loaded pistol when the plot requires me to. (BANG!)
Nixon: My bad. GAK!

Jonathan: Either Lex or Nixon was lying.
Clark: All you have to decide is what to do with the time that is given you.
Jonathan: What?
Clark: Sorry, that was weird. I mean, what you have to ask yourself is which one saved your life.
Jonathan: Fine. Lex, I'll trust you. Just don't expect me to trust you.
Lex: Fair enough.

Chloe: (sob) Goodbye, pictures of Clark and me at the dance, which were taken by God knows who. I will drag you to the Recycle Bin along with my dreams.
Recycle Bin: Bleah. I can't swallow these, I'll go into a diabetic coma.
Chloe: Fine, then I'll just leave them on the desktop for Lana to find later in the season. Much better plan. I am the Bitter Queen! Bwahahaha!

Lionel: I'm really glad you saved me. Too bad I'm blind, but you did well, son.
Lex: Thanks, Dad.
Lionel: Psych! Actually you screwed up royally. I'd rather be dead than blind.
Lex: How about both?

Lana: You know, Clark, I'm pretty sure I remember you protecting me in the tornado. Ready to come clean?
Clark: No.
Lana: Well, then, say hello to an entire season of Lana Knows Something But Nothing Specific.
Clark: Suits me.

Spaceship: Hello? Is anyone going to come pick up the spaceship? I'm stuck out in a field here! Stupid humanoids. Hello?
(The spaceship fumes at being forgotten at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on June 22, 2005.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2005, Mark Wilson.