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Five-Minute Tomb Raider 3

A multifiver by IJD GAF

Meteorite: BOOM!
Crocodile: goshthatstings!

Scientist: Hey boss! It's a big giant head!
Dr. Willard: William Shatner? Where?
Scientist: No, like an Easter Island head.
Dr. Willard: And this is important why?
Scientist: Well, this is Antarctica....
Dr. Willard: Point.

Lara: Woohoo, India! Infada stone, here I come!
Tony: AGGHH! Infada stone? That's lame, you'd need like 4 of those to make a good plot. (snicker) ....So, who are you?
Lara: I'm buxom, brunette, and backing away from you.
Tony: Better watch out...there are some crazy people around heAAAGGHH!
Lara: I'll remember that.

Shiva Statue: Hi, I'm sacrilegious. Questions?
Lara: Yeah: do I have to shoot you? It might seem offensive to those of the Hindu faith.
Shiva: Don't worry, you'll offend plenty of Christians in the bonus level. We're equal-opportunity here.
Lara: Gotcha. Pow! Pow!...

Lara: You again? I thought you were scared of this place.
Tony: Eeeeyah! (collapses temple with his powers)
Lara: Dang, now would be a good time for the complementary vehicle chase.

Tony: At last, we meet again for the first time for the last time....
Lara: Again? This is condensed, we've met practically once a scene.
Tony: Eeeeyah!
Lara: Geez, stop doing that, dude. Pow!
Tony: GAK!
Lara: Gee, you had the Infada stone all along? Whodathunkit?

Dr. Willard: Hello Lara, I'm your new friend.
Lara: I'll keep that in mind until the second you sprout wings and attack me.
Dr. Willard: Note to self; transform into something without wings.
Lara: Huh?
Dr. Willard: Nothing. Say, that wouldn't happen to be the Infada stone, would it?
Lara: Of course not, why?
Dr. Willard: Well, if it were, you'd have to watch out for spontaneous backstory.
Lara: Wha--

Stephen: Woo, I can't die, I'm sailing with Charles Darwin!
Fellow Explorer: Psst -- Darwin never sailed to Antarctica, this is fictional. Anything goes.
Stephen: Crap. So what are we supposed to do?
Explorer: Find artifacts sculpted from a meteorite, spread them across the world, get killed by natives... the usual.

Dr. Willard: So you see, the valiant explorers sacrificed their lives to give you this plot here today.
Lara: Because otherwise I'd only be exploring Antarctica, and God knows Eidos would never make a game where I exclusively explored one region.
Dr. Willard: Er... right, so any questions?
Lara: One: you wouldn't happen to know a good travel agent, would you?

To travel to Nevada, turn to page 1.
To press on to London, turn to page 5.
To voyage to the South Pacific Isles, turn to page 9.