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Five-Minute Tomb Raider: The Last Revelation


Werner Von Croy: You have done poorly, my young apprentice.
Lara: It's all your fault! You're holding me back!
Von Croy: Yes... but it's worth it to get the Iris.
Lara: That's what we're looking for this time? A muscle of the eye?
Von Croy: No, no. That's what I'M looking for. You're just here to rescue me after I fall from the pedestal it's rested oooOONNNNN--
Lara: Eye Eye Eye! Me Me Me! Pfft, rescue yourself.

Lara: In the spirit of the original, we're back in Egypt.
Guide: And once again, Miss Croft has asked for the assistance of a guide.
Lara: --one who will die very shortly.
Guide: Nah, it'll be a little while before that.
Lara: Darn.

Lara: Look, an amulet! Wonder what its story is....

Horus: Now, here comes the lid part.
Set: Hmm, being entombed alive isn't so bad.
Horus: Did I mention the long, electrified spikes on the bottom of said lid?
Set: Sounds like a reason to go Ape-poo in a millennium or three to me....

Lara: Sorry I asked.
Guide: Look, an amulet!
Lara: MY amulet....
Guide: I think not.
Lara: What are you going to do about it, summon ninjas in jeeps?
Guide: Of course not, they all had to cram into one so I can escape in the other.
Ninjas: Ow, our b-ACK!
Lara: Woo, vehicle chase time!

Lara: Ha! I jumped my jeep fifty feet over the water and landed on this barge! What do you have to say to that, goons?
Von Croy: Very Tomb Raider 1.
Lara: Ahh! You?
Von Croy: What'd you expect? A non-evil German character?

Jean-Yves: It's my good friend, the unconvincing archeologist!
Lara: It's my good friend, the unconvincing Frenchman! Hey, I've got a plot I need you to forward -- something apocalyptic if you could.
Jean-Yves: Ooh, the Amulet of Horus.... yeah, I'd say the end of the world isn't far off. Since the armor you need is in Alexandria, I'd say you need to go to Karnak.
Lara: Why?
Jean-Yves: To make this game as long as humanly possible -- sit tight, readers!

Lara: Let's see how many notably-Egyptian artifacts I can collect. Ooo, a canopic jar!
Factoid Box: During the mummification process, ancient Egyptians would pull the brains out through the nose.
Lara: Arggh! Every Egyptian anything mentions that fact!
Factoid Box: Not this game, surprisingly.
Lara: But --
Factoid Box: Cool it, I'm not in the game either.
Lara: But --
Factoid Box: Shh.

Von Croy: Ninja force, attack!
Ninja: You should use us sparingly. There are only so many Egyptian ninjas....
Von Croy: Don't worry; I know two or three back home in Germany.

Lara: Do obelisks count as artifacts?
Sun Talisman: No, but I do.
Lara: It's objects like you that make me wish I didn't work solo.

Von Croy: Look, an amulet!
Lara: Hey, that reminds me of an earlier scene....
Von Croy: Perhaps this will too.
(Von Croy removes the amulet from a receptacle and locks Lara in the tomb)
Lara: How ironic. That was good -- hey, come back!

Lara: Aah! Scarab beetles!
Factoid Box: The Scarab beetle family includes many colorful species, including the American Junebug.
Lara: Do they attack people in swarms?
Factoid Box: No.
Lara: You heard it bugs, scram. Aah! Get 'em off! Get 'em off!

Lara: (quiver)
Lara: That's not so bad....
Lara: Um.... You're just a ghostly disembodied head. Ha, I win!
Semerkhet: AW.

Guardian of Semerkhet: Moo.
Lara: Oh no, a bull! Can I call you Goht?
(Guardian of Semerkhet charges Lara)
Lara: Uh.... Chop!

Lara: You!
Guide: Is this my last scene?
Lara: That depends. Where's Von Croy going next?
Guide: Alexandria.
Lara: Thank you. And yes, it's your last scene.
Guide: GAK!

Jean-Yves: Hey, I thought I told you to go to Karnak.
Lara: Been there -- Von Croy stole the amulet.... I figured it was far enough along in the game to come to Alexandria.
Jean-Yves: Then I guess you'd better get the magical armor while you're here.
Lara: Armor? Like I can fit THAT in my tiny little backpack....
Jean-Yves: Doesn't that label on the side say "made by Trapper-keeper"?
Lara: Argh, if this were any other Tomb Raider game we'd be finished by now.

Lara: Wow, this must be at least the sixth underwater temple I've seen in my career.
Hammerhead Shark: Rats.
Lara: Oh, don't you start.

Lara: Hey, French-guy! I found all the armor!
Note on table: We're taking the frog to Cairo. Have fun exploring yet another massive city.
Lara: When this is all over, I think I'll take the longest sleep of my career.
Factoid Box: You can count on that.
Lara: Shove it.

Lara: Hello Moto!
Motorcycle: Worst. Pun. Ever.

Minotaur: Behold my Hammer of Crushing!
Lara: You mean you've got the original?
Minotaur: You bet.
Lara: Tell me again what I'm doing that's more important than the discovery of the legendary Hammer of Crushing?
Set: Yo -- apocalypse?
Lara: I never thought I'd say this, but I need more sequels.

Azizus: Hey lady, watch out for that dragon up ahead.
Lara: (snicker) Your name rhymes with "Jesus."
Azizus: Christ, no time for religious humor -- this is serious!
Lara: Okay, okay. Got a plan?
Azizus: Aiiieeee! (crashes ammunition truck into dragon)
Dragon: GAK!
Lara: Holy mother of --

Jean-Yves: Thank God, you arrived!
Lara: Anything to save the damsel in distress....

Von Croy/Set: Gimme the armor.
Lara: I want fringe benefits.
Von Croy/Set: You'll have riches beyond compare, and all the world to worship you!
Lara: Thanks, but I was looking for some dental coverage. Seeya!

Martin Short: Hey lady, come see the Great Pyramid up close!
Lara: Sorry; your presence is confusing enough to non-Floridians already.

Lara: In millennia, I'm the first person to discover a massive temple hidden underneath the Great Pyramid. I'll be famous!
Factoid Box: Remember Howard Carter....
Lara: I'm not the brains here, ironsides. I mostly just hurt people.

Statue of Horus: Arm me, I'll protect you!
(Lara places the armor on the statue.)
Horus: Sucker -- later!
Lara: Crap.
Set: Muahahaha!
Lara: Crap.
Set: Did I mention I'm invincible?
Lara: Crap.

Amulet: Free me!
Lara: Sorry, I'm a little busy getting my butt kicked right now.
Amulet: If you free me, I'll grant you three wishes....
Lara: Free? Good idea. Hey Set! I'll give you this amulet for free; just come and get it off of this eternal seal.
Set: What, no --
Doors: Clang!

Lara: Relief! The end is in sight -- I can see sunlight up ahead!
Von Croy: Give me your hand!
Lara: Pfft, no way. I'm distrustful of Germans.
Doors: Clang!
Lara: (from behind doors) Uh... gak?
Von Croy: She's gone, and it's my fault -- party time!
Lara: No wait, that was a question. Hey, get back here! (Grumble) I swear, I'll get out of here if it takes me two sequels to do it.
(Von Croy runs off at Ludicrous Speed)


Previous game: Tomb Raider 3
Next game: Tomb Raider 5

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This fiver was originally published on September 13, 2003.

DISCLAIMER: Yep, we're using the Tomb Raider characters without permission. Not unlike taking priceless artifacts without permission, hmm?

All material © 2003, IJD GAF.