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Five-Minute Tomb Raider Chronicles


Winston: ...so Lara's dead now.
Father Patrick: Shh! Oilerspay arningway....
Winston: Oh, why bother? We all know a new one's coming out in Summer 2003.

Jean-Yves: So let's reminisce over Lara's exploits.
Winston: Good idea. Remember the time she battled Natla for the Scion?
Father Patrick: Or when she traveled the world searching for four pieces of a holy meteorite?
Jean-Yves: Guys, if you want to reminisce over those things, buy the compilation of the first three games. This is Tomb Raider 5; we have to reminisce over "new" stuff.
Winston and Father Patrick: Point.

Lara: Whoa, I'm alive again.
Larson: Small world, me too.
Lara: Hey, I thought I didn't know you were bad at the beginning of the first game....
Pierre Dupont: Well, I thought you were alive at the end of it, so we'll see how much we can change around.
Lara: Yes, we'll see.

Lara: So I've got this Mercury Stone...
Mercury Stone: Hiya!
Lara: ...and I've got this Saturn Stone.
Saturn Stone: Yo.
Lara: I don't suppose this is the quest for the Mitsubishi Stone, by any chance.

DuPont: This is where I become a comic villain and demand the Philosopher's Stone from you.
Lara: Boo!
(DuPont falls off a cliff)
Lara: It's really sad when half of this scene is lifted directly from the source material.

Winston: And thus Lara Croft stole the Philosopher's Stone from Harry Potter.
Father Patrick: I'm confused.
Jean-Yves: Don't worry, apparently so was the American reading public.

Lara: I've got an appointment with destiny.
Jean-Yves: No, just the Spear of Destiny. No more imposing than the Temple of Doom, or the Hospital of Chairs.

Mikhailov: Hurry up and let's submerge the damn submarine
Yarofev: You forget my rank of Admiral in the Russian Navy.
Mikhailov: And you forget I'm bribing you. For this mission, you're part of Mikhailov's Navy.

Yarofev: Hey, women can't serve on submarines!
Lara: Neither can chefs; they have to use plates.
Yarofev: Er....
Lara: That'll keep him busy.

Lara: Hoorah! I successfully managed to use a French guy to get me aboard a Russian sub to travel to a sunken German U-Boat. This treasure better be worth it.
Spear of Destiny: Made in China.
Lara: Rats.

Mikhailov: Gimme that.
Lara: You'll be sorry....
Mikhailov: I have no regrets.
(An electrical current is created around the spear and Mikhailov is enveloped)
Mikhailov: GAK!
Lara: Bet you regret now not saying more Mikhail Marys.

Yarofev: Now... go, my friend. Leave me.
Lara: No, you're coming with me. I can't leave you here -- I've got to save you!
Yarofev: You already have, Lara. You were right about me. Tell your sister... you were right! GAK!
Lara: Buh?

Jean-Yves: And then Lara left at the last minute in an escape pod, just as the Death Star exploded.
Winston: Submarine.
Jean-Yves: Whatever.
Father Patrick: Say, this night reminds me of that one time Lara reenacted The Legend of Sleepy Hollow in Ireland.
Winston: Ah, yes -- the tale of McAbod Crane.

Patrick: Yep, that island sure is haunted. Better not tell Lara.
Lara: (stowing away in boat) Too late.

Father Patrick: Lara! What are you doing with all these ghosts?
Lara: That one asked me to find its heart!
Hanging Man: Yeah, don't mind her.
Father Patrick: Listen, you've got to stay put so I can get hopelessly captured. THEN you can save me.
Lara: Gotcha.

Verdilet: Yo.
Lara: Who are you?
Verdilet: I'm a demon knight trapped by the running water
of a stream.
Lara: Wuss.
Verdilet: Free me and your pastor dies.
Lara: Wouldn't it be a better deal if you let him live?
Verdilet: Probably.

Lara: There, I pulled a Moses; you're free.
Verdilet: Good, now your pastor dies.
Lara: Verdilet.... What a stupid name.
Verdilet: GAK!
Father Patrick: Very good, Lara. If you name a demon, you have power over it.
Lara: Don't thank me -- thank the speaker credits.

Jean-Yves: Oooh look, it's the Iris.
Father Patrick: I thought that got stuck in Cambodia with
Von Croy.
Winston: Von Croy escaped; you do the math.
Jean-Yves: Wait then, how'd Lara get it?

Zip: (over the comm) Good thing you asked! Hi, I'm annoying and not terribly helpful.
Lara: Sorry, I work solo.
Zip: You did before me, and you definitely will after.

Lara: I see it! The Iris is to my right.
Zip: Go left.
Lara: Why?
Zip: That's where the cyborgs that look like agents from "The Matrix" are.

Lara: I've got the Iris. Can I go now?
Zip: Yes, but you'll have to disarm yourself and make your way through a metal detector, crash an elevator all the way to the ground floor, and then somehow escape. Think you can do that?
Lara: Is the Pope Italian?
Zip: No.
Lara: Hmm.... I can still do it.

Winston: ...and then she hang-glided away, or something. I wasn't really listening when she told me the full story.
Jean-Yves: I see. Well, we better toast the deceased before the game ends.
Father Patrick: Indeed. (raises drink)

(Cut to Egypt)
Von Croy: So I guess it's a lost cause. We'll never find Lara now.
Boy: But I found her backpack!
Von Croy: So?
Boy: I also found this.
Von Croy: (Reading) "Tomb Raider: The Angel of Darkness. Coming June 20, 2003."
(The sequel ships at Ludicrous Speed)


Previous game: Tomb Raider: The Last Revelation

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This fiver was originally published on September 13, 2003.

DISCLAIMER: Yep, we're using the Tomb Raider characters without permission. Not unlike taking priceless artifacts without permission, hmm?

All material © 2003, IJD GAF.