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Five-Minute Tomb Raider 2


Samurai: AAHH! I/We can't tell whether I'm/we're plural or singular!
Dragon: You can't hurt me as long as I have this dagger in my heart.
Samurai: I, however, am singular, and curious about this dagger.
Dagger of Xian: FREEDOM!
Dragon: GAK!
Samurai: ...and thus concludes the ancient backstory.

Lara: Woohoo, it's sequel time! The dagger's supposed to be here at the Great Wall of China, so guess what the first level is?
Goon: Ha, you think it's that easy? Jeez, you've still got several levels to go until the dagger.
Lara: Aw. Which Indiana Jones locale will I be off to this time?
Goon: Venice, where you'll meet my boss Marco Bartoli. Arrivederci. GAK!
Lara: Sigh.

Lara: Ahem, Seņor? Do you speak English?
Thug: Grunt.
Lara: Yes? Well could you tell me where to find a man by the name of Marco Bartoli?
Thug: (clubs Lara with bat)
Lara: Hmm, maybe I'd look more tourist-ish if I lost the holsters.

Lara: You look important. Are you Marco Bartoli?
Superthug: Pow!
Lara: Hey! That's my catchphrase! POW!
Superthug: GAK!
Lara: Woo, does that mean I can get the dagger now?
Goons: No, that means we're supposed to catch you stowing away on our seaplane.
Lara: Aw, great. Another no-guns level?
Goons: Natch.

Lara: Hmm, breaking out of jail cells sure is easy.
Lara: Rats.
Thugs: Nah, you saw the last of them in Venice. Bad guys get tougher here on out.
Lara: Now would be a good time to get those guns back.

Lara: Whee, guns!
Everyone Else on Rig: F@$%!

Chen Barkhang: I have a monastery.
Lara: Which explains why you're on an offshore rig.
Barkhang: Eh, you have a lot of room to talk, Miss Only-female-here.
Lara: Actually, I'm only one of two survivors; I killed everyone else.
Barkhang: Whatever. Listen, you've gotta go underwater and retrieve the Seraph.
Lara: That wouldn't be an unusual monicker for the Dagger of Xian, would it?
Barkhang: Not quite, but you'll need it to get said dagger.
Lara: Rats.
Barkhang: Try sharks.
Lara: Even better.

Lara: Blub blub blub.
Submarine: CRASH!
Lara: Ah well, every other motor vehicle I've touched has been destroyed. Now then, since I put on this wetsuit but conveniently forgot a SCUBA tank, air would be nice.
Shark: There's some just over there in that sunken ocean liner, the Maria Doria.
Lara: Air? On a sunken ship?
Shark: You're questioning that? I'm a talking shark for Pete's sake!

Lara: Here, Seraph. Heeeerrreee Seraph.
Thug: Try the part of the ship that's not upside down.
Lara: How'd that happen?
Thug: Oh, at the same time the deck was magically surrounded by an air-filled cave.

Lara: Gotcha!
Seraph: Take me to--
Lara: Lemme guess. India.
Seraph: Nope.
Lara: Egypt.
Seraph: Nah, been there already. Try Tibet.
Lara: I was just going to guess that Indiana Jones location! Rats!
Seraph: Nah. Eagles.
Lara: That's really getting old.

Lara: Whee! Who woulda guessed I would get this seaplane eventually?
George Lucas: The same one who would've guessed you'd crash it into the mountain -- stop stealing my material!

Goons: Hey, that's our snowmob-- GAK!
Lara: Then kissing its treads is a fitting way to die.

Lara: Finally, Chen's monastery.
Fred Barkhang: Actually, it's all of ours. Our mother was very fertile.
Lara: Right.... So I was told to bring a Seraph here and I'd get that dagger.
Harry Barkhang: Nope, but you can use it to get the Talion.
Lara: That wouldn't be a synonym, I assume.
Jean Claude Van Barkhang: Nope, it's the key to the dagger palace.
Lara: Rats.
Bart Barhang: Try --
Lara: Don't say it!
Bart: -- Bartoli.
Lara: Oh. Well then, you're forgiven, Brother Barkhang.
Barkhangs: Thank you.

Lara: Finally, the Talion! Eat that!
Guardian of the Talion: Caw! Caw!
Lara: Crap, not literally.

Lara: Finally, the dagger! Eat --
Trapdoors: Thunk!
Eagle: Here, have the hardest temple in the game.
Lara: Methinks I spoke too soon.

Lara: Finally, the dagger! Eat --
Bartoli: GAK!
Lara: Woo hoo! Central bad guy down!
Goon: You thought that last game too; might want to catch up on this one's backstory.

Lara: Finally, floating islands!
Stone Warrior: Huh?
Lara: Sorry, got in a groove there.

Bartoli: Roar!
Lara: Huh?
Bartoli: Oh, sorry. (transforms into dragon)
Dragon: ROAR!
Lara: Crap. Pow!
Dragon: Ho-hum.
Lara: PowPowPowPowPowPowPowPowPowPowPowPowPowPo--
Dragon: Enough already! GAK!
Lara: Finally, the dagger!
Great Wall of China: KA-BOOM!
Lara: Crud.

Lara: Eh, screw China. I've got my peaceful dagger in my peaceful home. What's that? I do believe I hear a peaceful van pulling up with peaceful goons that are beating up my peaceful servant with peaceful baseball bats.... Hmm, screw peace. Pow!

Lara: Alas, the end. Time to take a shower right in front of you fanboys. Hahaha, you wish. Pow!
(The water drips down (and you don't get to see it so nyah nyah) at Ludicrous Speed)


Previous game: Tomb Raider
Next game: Tomb Raider 3

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This fiver was originally published on September 13, 2003.

DISCLAIMER: Yep, we're using the Tomb Raider characters without permission. Not unlike taking priceless artifacts without permission, hmm?

All material © 2003, IJD GAF.