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Five-Minute Tomb Raider

by IJD GAF

(BOOM)
Scion: goshthatstings!

Jacqlene Natla: Hey, I've got money. Dare you to go to Peru and earn me more.
Lara Croft: What if I say no?
Natla: Then you gyp the fans out of a game.
Lara: Point.

Guide: Estás aqui. Me permite salir? No quiero morir, por favor.
Lara: That's the way things go when you're not me.
Wolves: mmm, Hispanic....

Lara: Exploring, exploring, lala--
Tyrannosaurus Rex: Grawr!
Lara: Agh! I thought you were extinct! Good thing I just found this shotgun laying around.
T-Rex: But I'm an endangered species now!
Lara: Eh, I have a feeling I'll run into your kind plenty more.

Lara: Only 4 levels and I got the Scion? Wow.
Larson: That's only part of it. And it's now mine, thank you.
Lara: Pow!
Larson: ...Or not.

Lara: Larson leads me to Natla. Natla leads me to Pierre DuPont, who's at some Italian monastery.
DuPont: Like this one?
Lara: Almost exactly like this one!
DuPont: Rattatattatat!
Lara: Was that a drumroll?
DuPont: (sigh) Until next time, Adieu.

Lara: Ooh, I always wanted to see the Colisseum.
Gorilla: Oo Oo Oo Ah Ah Ah!
Lion: Roaaawwrrr!
Lara: ...I just never realized even after two millenia, it still had a menagerie of exotic animals.
Fauna: Meh, Eidos pays us well.

DuPont: Bonjour, Madame. I have the next Scion piece! You'll have to kill me for it!
Lara: Very well. (aims pistols)
DuPont: When you put it that way, take it! I surrender!
Lara: All you stupid goons don't exactly enhance my strong female role-model figure.
DuPont: Nor does your chest--
(Pistols click)
DuPont: On second thought, Au Revoir!

Lara: Isn't it about time for some actual background for this Scion thingie?
Ancient Texts: Here lies the last great ruler of Atlantis, Tihocan, who had a Scion thingie. Go to Egypt.
Lara: Well that was helpful; this being the first of a big adventure franchise, this had to wind up in Egypt eventually.
Ancient Texts: Scram already, you're talking to yourself.
Lara: I thought I was talking to you.
Ancient Texts: Considering that I'm ancient and textual, that's worse.

Mummy: Ungh!
Lara: Aagh!

Atlantean Mutant: Ungh!
Lara: Aagh!

Larson: Ungh!
Lara: Aa-- oh, it's just you.
Natla: And it's me. Which means, you're about to die unless you dive off this cliff.
Lara: What cliiiiiiIIIIIIIIIIIIII....
Natla: Hmm... she seemed more graceful on the big screen.

Lara: Oh no, my weapons have been confiscated! Fortunately I've been allowed to keep my ammo, but even more important, my motorcycle keys. Now to find a use for the latter...
Larson: (singing) Saaiil away, sail away, sail awaaaaay!
Lara: Ooh, a chance for me to daringly jump my bike from a cliff into the sea and jump onto the boat!
(ZOOM!, SPLASH!, THUD!)
Larson: You know, that might've been more daring if we weren't still docked.
Lara: Shh! I'm stowing away!
Larson: Oh, right. Sorry.

Lara: Mines? In the middle of the ocean? I thought this was all a big mutant manufacturing plant, not a mining operation.
Cowboy: This island ain't big enough for the two of us... at least, when you include all the mutants.
Skateboard Punk: I've got your Uzis, come and get m--GAK! Hmm, serves me right for not wearing a helmet or pads.
Lara: Hmm... must be a mutant manufacturing plant after all.

Lara: Finally! The Scion! ...er, again!
*FLASH*
Atlanteans: Go to hell, Natla!
Natla: I'm from there, idiots.
Atlanteans: Hmm... Then you will be forced to live the rest of your life in-- Des Moines!
Natla: Nooo!
*FLASH*
Lara: Well, she's gone, I guess. Funny, I figured she'd be the final boss...
Supersized Atlantean: UNGH!
Lara: Meh, close enough. Rattattattattat!

Lara: Hoo boy, that was rough. I guess it's all over now....
FlyingNatla: ....or not.
Lara: I knew you'd be last! I knew it!
FlyingNatla: Hey! I just flew in from Des Moines! Boy are my arms...er, wings...er....
Lara: You are so going down....
FlyingNatla: Literally?
Lara: Quiet, you.

Lara: Well, after all that, I didn't even get the Scion.
Scion: Then how come I'm in your house in the sequel?
Lara: Uh....
Scion: For that matter, how come I'm talking to you now?
Lara: It's going to be a looong boat ride home....
(Lara speeds off at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

Next game: Tomb Raider 2

Got a comment on this fiver? Contact the author, IJD GAF.

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This fiver was originally published on September 13, 2003.

DISCLAIMER: Yep, we're using the Tomb Raider characters without permission. Not unlike taking priceless artifacts without permission, hmm?

All material © 2003, IJD GAF.