Five-Minute "Reckoning"
by Derek Dean
ana: Clark, that's your deodorant.
Clark: Read the label.
Lana: "Strong enough for a superman, pH-balanced for an alien."
Clark: These are the caves, which we don't do much with any more, here's the teleporter to my super-igloo, here's the igloo, here are my powers, here's a really elaborate way to make an engagement ring. Lana, will you marry me?
Lana: Pillowcase?
Clark: Hm. That may have been a bit much for you to take in at once.
Pa Kent: So, anything new?
Clark: Not much. Showed Lana my powers, proposed. You know, the usual imaginary story plotline.
Pa Kent: Good, good. Nothing to worry about then.
Lana: Should I marry Clark?
Lois: Yes. Clark should have a blissful marriage with you just like Lex did in his imaginary timeline.
Lana: I died in that timeline.
Lois: Sucks to be you then.
Clark: So I told Lana about my powers and then proposed.
Chloe: GAH! Are you doing this on purpose? Leave! Leave now!
Pa Kent: Here, let me symbolically put this necklace on you, Martha.
Clark: Mom? Dad? Lana said yes.
Lois: And Mr. Kent just won the election!
Pa Kent: Ah, it's good to be Kent.
Lex: Oh, Lana. Good. You came.
Lana: Shouldn't you have had your own election party and everything too?
Lex: They all left when I went into a drunk, violent rage.
Lana: I see. On that note...
Lex: Gasp! You have an engagement ring on! You must know Clark's secret! AAAAAH!
Lana: Eeep! Bye!
Lana: Clark, Lex knows something. And he's chasing me.
Clark: (over the phone) Sorry to hear that, but I can't just duck out of the party and super-run over to where you are.
Lana: I under--
Bus: CRASH!
Lana: GAK!
Stompy: Drat. I wanted to do that.
Lex: Lana? Are you --
(SUPER-RUN!)
Clark: Lana! Are you all right?
Lex: Buh? Uh-- did anyone else just see...? Um, huh?
Pa Kent: Clark! There's nothing you could've done.
Clark: How'd you get here so fast?
Lex: (muttering) That's what I want to know.
Jor-El: You rang?
Clark: Yeah, don't take Lana's life, jerk!
Jor-El: Do I look like I care? Besides, I don't want her for a daughter-in-law.
Clark: Bring her back to life! PLEASE? PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE?
Jor-El: Gah! Are you five? Okay, okay, I'll do a temporal fold if it'll shut you up.
Clark: (Heh. That always works on parents.)
Rewind, rewind, re--
Lex: (off-screen) Waitaminute! You mean I learn Clark's secret and can't remember it again?!
Yep. Rewind.
Lana: You wanted to see me?
Clark: Yes. I want to show you my secret. Here.
Lana: Clark, that's your deodorant.
Clark: Heh. So it is.
Clark: I'm reliving the same day over again. Here, let me prove it.
Chloe: Don't go all Groundhog Day on me.
Clark: Awww. But anyway, we need to protect Lana, and that's why I didn't tell her my secret and propose to her this time.
Chloe: I don't suppose it occurred to you to just tell her your secret, tell her you're reliving the day, and tell her not to go to Lex's?
Clark: Nope. Now come on, we better get going if we're going to stay ahead of the weather.
Pa Kent: Here, let me symbolically put this necklace on you, Martha.
TV Reporter: And Mr. Kent just won the election!
Pa Kent: Um, where's Lois?
Clark: Just trying to kill herself.
Pa Kent: Good, good. Nothing to worry about then.
Lex: Oh, Lana. Good. You came.
Lana: Shouldn't you have had your own election party and everything too?
Lex: They all left when I went into a drunk, violent rage.
Lana: I see. On that note...
Lex: Oh you're so beautiful. Come on, give me a kiss.
Lana: Eeep! Bye!
Chloe: Clark! Lana left and I don't know where she went!
Clark: Ack! I better duck out of the party and super-run over to where she is.
Chloe: I under--
(SUPER-RUN!)
(SUPER-BRAKE!)
Bus: BRAAAAAAAKE!
Lana: Phew. That was close.
Audience: Drat.
Lionel: Mwahaha! Now that I've paid for you to beat Lex, it's time for me to blackmail you.
Pa Kent: Hey, if I can beat Lex, then I can beat you.
(PUNCH! PUNCH! PUNCH!)
Pa Kent's Heart: And I can beat you.
Pa Kent: GAK!
Clark: I feel guilty. Fate seems to have taken dad's life in exchange for Lana's.
Ma Kent: Oh, Clark. You shouldn't feel guilty about that. What you should feel guilty about is the way you didn't even try going to Jor-El and asking for your dad's life back.
Clark: Oh yeah.
Ma Kent: Now symbolically put this necklace on me.
Clark: Sorry. I don't do symbols.
(Pa Kent gets buried at Ludicrous Speed)
THE END
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DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.
All material © 2006, Derek Dean.