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Five-Minute "Lockdown"

by Derek Dean

ide: What's a 2319?
Lex: "Evil cops pretend to be good cops so they can torture-slash-interrogate people after proving they're still bad cops by shooting someone."
Aide: Sorry I asked. Enjoy your torture. GAK!
Lex: Actually, I think I'll just dive into my bomb shelter/control room.

Lana: So we're really studying? Boooooring. Let's do kinky stuff.
Clark: GAH! I should be the one saying that!
Lana: So why don't you? Why don't we ever have sex?
Clark: Um, er, well, -- HEY! What's up with this space ship diagram?
Lana: Don't think you can get out of your intimacy issues so easily just by changing the subject!
Clark: Why not? It's worked every single other time.

Lex: So tell us your sad story that has led you to this miserable end?
Evil Mwahaha-Cop-Guy Villain: I used to be a happy go-lucky cop until I unluckily had my whole squad wiped out by supermen. And then some bald guy stole the spaceship I needed as proof, but didn't even stop to help me.
Lex: But why are you going after me, just because "some bald guy" didn't... -- Oh. Never mind.

Ma Kent: You should tell Lana your secret.
Clark: Oh mom. Where's the angst in that? And why am I talking to you instead of Chloe when I can torture her with her attraction to me?
Ma Kent: You really are cut out for the WB, aren't you?

Lana: Why won't Clark sleep with me any more?
Chloe: (over the phone) Why do you people have to come to me -- ME -- about your sex life?
Lana: Hold on. I'm being pulled over. I'll call you back.
Chloe: You really don't have to.
Evil Mwahaha-Cop-girl Villain: Boo! It's actually me, a villain!
Lana: Not all that surprising actually.

Evil Mwahaha-Cop-Guy Villain: So we got the girl now. Come out of your little room.
Lex: Okay, here I am. Now I promise I won't surprise attack you or the --
Lex: Heh heh. Suckers.
Lana: Speaking of sucking, that chest wound is sucking.

Clark: So, Chloe, about my sex life with Lana...
Chloe: Oh thank goodness! Hello? ...You don't say! ...You don't say! ...You don't say! ...Okay, bye.
Clark: Who was that?
Chloe: He didn't say! ...Also, shouldn't you've been able to super-overhear the conversation?
Clark: Yes, but I respect people's privacy.

Clark: Hello, Officer. I just happened to be walking by in the middle of nowhere and -- oh, look! A tracking device on Lana's car! Well, gotta be going. See you.
Sheriff: Oh yeah. Nothing suspicious about that.

Lex: Not to worry. I shot the little thingy, which should call the police for me.
Lana: Lex, these people are the police.
Lex: ... Guess I should've thought that one through.

Sheriff: Hello, Officer. Where's Lex Luthor?
Evil Mwahaha-Cop-Girl Villain: He's not here, but -- wait a second, why aren't you wearing your standard-issue bullet-proof vest?
Sheriff: Gives me a rash. Besides, when am I really going to need --
Sheriff: Walked into that one. GAK!

Lana: Okay, I'll show you where the ship is if you get Lex help now.
Evil Mwahaha-Cop-Guy Villain: No.
Lana: Okay, I'll show you where the ship is if you get Lex help later.
Evil Mwahaha-Cop-Guy Villain: No.
Lana: Oh all right. I'll show you where the ship is.
Evil Mwahaha-Cop-Girl Villain: (You are one hell of a negotiator.)

Chloe: Check out this tape of this evil cop guy.
Evil Mwahaha-Cop-Guy Villain: Those things came out of the meteor, out of a ship! And they fried everyone with heat vision! You don't believe me, do you?
Nurse: Well, if
War of the Worlds hadn't just come out over the summer....
Evil Mwahaha-Cop-Guy Villain: Those things, I saw them! And they're REAL!

Lana: So, psycho, what are you going to do when you find the ship?
Evil Mwahaha-Cop-Guy Villain: I'm going to Disney World! But also, I'm going to blow up the ship so everyone else will see it.
Lana: Which of course means you brought along explosives.
Evil Mwahaha-Cop-Guy Villain: It's not a Smallville episode if something doesn't explode.

Evil Mwahaha-Cop-Guy Villain: What? No ship! Grrr...
Evil Mwahaha-Cop-Girl Villain: Why do we fall for that?
Evil Mwahaha-Cop-Guy Villain: No matter. I think we'll end up trapping her in here with the C4 anyway. I've seen shows like this before.

Clark: Lex! Lex! Where's Lana?
Lex: I can't talk right now, Clark. I'm supposed to be passed out.
Clark: But Lex, it's Lana!
Lex: Oh, all right. She's in Warehouse 15. Now can I pass out?

C4: 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...
Lana: I'm confused as to how I made it out here.
Clark: Uh, sleepwalking?

Lex: Lana, I'm so sorry I put you in danger.
Lana: Oh, Lex. It's over now. Let's be friends.
Lex: Great. Let's hug.
Lana: Well, okay. It's not like there's any legitimate reason Clark would be outside the window looking in on us.

Clark: La la la. I think I'm just going to go through this hospital door for no particular reason. Maybe it'll be to visit Lex, maybe just to annoy the nurses, but I think -- GASP! Lana and Lex are hugging! Oh the shame! Oh the agony!

Chloe: You should tell Lana your secret.
Clark: Oh Chloe. Where's the angst in that? And besides, our sex life lately has --
Clark: Heh heh heh.
(Clark is just plain evil at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on January 21, 2006.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2006, Derek Dean.