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Five-Minute "Fanatic"

by Derek Dean

niper: Eat lead, Mr. Kent!

(48 hours earlier (Isn't this a tired plot device?))
Lex: And so, young people, it's only people like you who can make a difference! Only you can prevent forest fires, and only you can put me in office. Not that the two are related, of course. By the way, what do you call yourselves?
Evil Mwahaha-Stalker-Girl Villain: Luthor Youth.
Lex: Catchy.

Griff: (over the phone) I've got some good dirt on Mr. Kent, so come and get it.
Lionel: I'd like to bury that dirt instead. It's okay, I'm his father.
Griff: His father?! Wrong answer, McFly!
Lionel: How about his much wealthier father?
Griff: Oh, well, that's okay then.

Voice: (over the phone) Drop out of the race or else!
Pa Kent: I don't have to take this!
Pa Kent: I do have to take these mysterious red pills, though.

Lana: Clark, why aren't we having sex anymore?
Clark: Because, uh, you aren't any good in bed! Yeah, that's it!
Lana: You know, when you say "Yeah, that's it!" it's obvious you're making stuff up.
Clark: Yeah, well, why did you move away and become an anesthesiologist?
Lana: That's astronomist, Clark.

Pa Kent: Hm. What's this? A picture of me?
Evil Mwahaha-Minion: JAWOHL!
Pa Kent: How'd you get in here?
Evil Mwahaha-Minion: JAWOHL!
Pa Kent: Do you do anything other than say "JAWOHL"?
Pa Kent: Knew I shouldn't have asked.

Lionel: Hello, Martha. I'm here to offer you lots of money so Pa Kent can compete against Lex.
Ma Kent: No! I must refuse such a generous donation before finding out whether you even have any strings attached to it!

Clark: Chloe, can I talk to you about my sex life?
Clark: I haven't even started yet!
Chloe: I know, but EWWWWWWWW!
Clark: I wish Pete were still here.
Chloe: Trust me. His reaction would be the same.

Ma Kent: Clark, have you seen your father?
Clark: No. Did you check the barn? You know how he sometimes likes to hang out there.

Lois: So Mr. Kent was suspended from the ceiling with a note for him to drop out of the race?
Pa Kent: Whatever. I can't let them get me down. But I am glad my family was there to get me down.

Clark: Grrr. Lex, you shifty little troll, you did this to my father, didn't you?
Lex: No, no, Clark, my dearest friend. I promise I will not rest until I find out who did this.
Clark: Gah. Did we just get our scripts confused again? I thought we were enemies this week.
Lex: My script says friends.
Clark: Whatever.

Evil Mwahaha-Stalker-Girl Villain: This meeting of the Luthor Youth will now come to order. And my first order is to kill Jonathan Kent!
Evil Mwahaha-Minion: NEIN!
Other Evil Mwahaha-Minion: NEIN!
Evil Mwahaha-Stalker-Girl Villain: You refuse? Then I guess the only logical course of action is to shoot both of you, shave my head, come on to Lex, knock him out, and attempt the assassination myself.
Evil Mwahaha-Minion: That's logical?

Pa Kent: And so, if elected, --

Lois: Hey, you're not supposed to be here!
Evil Mwahaha-Stalker-Girl Villain: Mwahahaha! I'm the evil villain! Now shoot Mr. Kent.
Lois: Me? What makes you think I'm going to do it?
Evil Mwahaha-Stalker-Girl Villain: I honestly don't know.

Pa Kent: I promise to help the helpless, defend the defenseless, be a father to orphans, and a husband to widows!
Ma Kent: Uh....
Evil Mwahaha-Stalker-Girl Villain: Eat lead, Mr. Kent!
(Clark catches the bullet just in front of his dad's face)
Clark: So apparently I'm only a little faster than a speeding bullet.

Lionel: Way to go, Lex. Nothing like being idolized by a bunch of evil mwahaha-psychotic freaks.
Lex: Shut up. The important thing is that there was no kryptonite-enhanced anything in the episode.
Lionel: The other important thing is that I had your informant, er -- that is to say, I found out he's dead.
Lex: Just as well. It's hard to take a guy named Griff seriously.

Lois: You do know we're out of money, right?
Ma Kent: Yes, it's very sad. If only there were some sort of financial lending institution that could help us out....
Lois: Can't think of anything like that.
Ma Kent: Sigh. Then I guess I'll have to sell out to Lionel.

Lana: So I was thinking about the meteor showers, and I think there was a spaceship that landed in the first shower like there was in this last one.
Clark: Don't mind me as I stand here and look uncomfortable. It's because I have diarrhea. Yeah, that's it.
(Clark still won't tell Lana his secret at Ludicrous (or any other) Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on January 13, 2006.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2006, Derek Dean.