Home Prev 5MSV: EPISODES Next Home

Five-Minute "Vengeance"

by Derek Dean

a Kent: Without telling me? You could have told me before I wrote the school another check. Anyway, I have to go to Metropolis and I'm going to drop off your dad's clothes. 'Cause they suck. Would you like this symbolic watch?
Clark: Not especially. I don't do symbolism.

Ma Kent: Look, I get that the shelter is in a bad part of the neighborhood, but why is it in the dankest, darkest, worst-looking alley ever imaginable?
Main Thug: Don't know, don't care. Now hand over the loot.
Ma Kent: No! You cannot have the stuff I am freely giving away!
Main Thug: How about that watch you're not giving away then? And your life, too?
Ma Kent: Somebody saaaaaave me!
Acrata: Look! Up in the sky! It's me!

Ma Kent: Oh, Clark! It was horrible! I was mugged and someone else saaaaaved me!
Clark: That is horrible! Somebody's co-opting my idiom!

Chloe: This is great! We finally have confirmation of the masked superheroine!
Andrea: So do you know who it is for real? Not that I'm worried of course. Heh heh.

Lex: I just wanted to say I'm sorry for getting drunk, coming on to you, nearly causing your death, and all that other stuff.
Lana: Oh, it's okay. I've had worse done to me. Frequently.

Chloe: Now all we need is a name for this superheroine. How about... the Dark Avenger. No, the Dark Angel. No, wait, I've got it -- BATWOMAN!
Clark: Batwoman? Who'd use a lame kinda name like that?
Chloe: Well, how about --
Arcata: How about you don't call me anything at all?
Chloe: Where's the fun in that?

Chloe: Wow, that was so cool! She showed up and everything!
Clark: Chloe? She threw me into a bunch of desks and computers after threatening you. What's cool about that?
Chloe: She knows who I am! It was awesome!
Clark: Chloe? Are you even listening to me? Chloe? We need to find her again.
Chloe: Oh definitely! Then I can get her autograph!
Clark: Sigh. At least then we'd know her name.

Chloe: No. Stop. Thief. Don't take my purse.
Clark: Chloe, at least try to act.
Chloe: You're one to talk.

Clark: So how'd you get your powers?
Arcata: How else? Meteor rock heart transplant.
Clark: Another one? I was hoping it'd be something like an ancient Mayan symbol or something.
Arcata: Nope. I got the powers and determined that I should use them to stop crime after thugs killed my mother. But I only work at night in the shadows, like a bat.
Clark: Maybe you should be Batwoman after all.

Ma Kent: I'm so glad you know Clark's secret. With Jonathan gone, I'm glad to have someone I can still talk to about it.
Chloe: So essentially, you're having me replace Mr. Kent for you?
Ma Kent: Well... sort of.
Chloe: Great. So Clark talks to me about his sex life, Mrs. Kent sees me as a replacement for Mr. Kent, does anyone remember I'm a girl?

Clark: Where's the main thug guy who tried to mug my mom?
Thug: Right. Like I'm going to tell you and your masked friend that. Ever.
Clark: Well, if you would please tell him we called. Right now. While we're standing nearby within earshot and everything.
Thug: Okay, okay. But only 'cause you asked nicely.

Chloe: So you stole his phone? That was smart. What are you going to do with it?
Clark: Order a pizza for the main thug guy.
Chloe: I see. That makes perfect sense. He steals your dad's watch; you buy him pizza.

Clark: You took my father's watch, you jerk!
Main Thug: Yep. But I'm sure you'll find another if you walk around the city. There are all those signs that say "Watch for Pedestrian".
Clark: Argh! THE PAIN! THE PAIN!
Main Thug: Hey, it was a bad joke, but it shouldn't have caused physical pain.
Arcata: Actually, I think it was my kryptonite stone.
Main Thug: Oh.
Arcata: Now it's my turn to threaten you: Tell me who hired you to kill my mother or I'll plunge this knife in your heart!
Main Thug: I'll take a stab and say it was Lionel.
Arcata: Even if you're telling the truth, with puns like that, you don't deserve to live.

Lex: So dad, I think you need to back off on this buyout of Luthorcorp.
Lionel: Give me one good reason.
Lex: Well, maybe I know something secret and ma--
Lionel: And Martha? Oh no, you know about my secret rendezvous with Pa Kent right before he died and you're going to tell Martha? NOOOOOO!
Lex: I was going to say "and maybe I don't," but whatever.

Thug: What? Main Thug's dead? That means I'm in charge now? You did this, didn't you! Why I oughta... buy you a drink!
Clark: Roll this stone away from me, will you?
Thug: Sure, I can do that too.

Arcata: GAH! You're going to die, Lionel! DIE!
Clark: No, don't kill him! We must rely on fair judicial process to convict him.
Lionel: Listen to him! LISTEN TO HIM!
Arcata: Meh. I'd rather disappear into the night after defenstrating Lionel.
Clark: In front of the impressionable kids watching this show? You're sick!

Clark: Oh, that's what defenestrating means.
Lionel: Thanks for saving me so amazingly quickly, son.
Clark: Yes, which leaves me wondering if you know my -- Hey, whattaya mean calling me son?
Lionel: You'll find out as soon as I've had a chat with your mother. Heh heh.

Lionel: Hello, Martha. I'm a widower, you're a widow, I think that makes us a good match.
Ma Kent: My husband just died. Do you think you could pick a better time?
Lionel: How would you know when a better time is when you don't even have a watch?
Ma Kent: You're a cruel, cruel man.

Chloe: So I guess Arcata and her counterpart Andrea have both vanished. I wonder if we'll ever see her again.
Clark: Only if Acuvue needs another blatant product placement.
Chloe: Then I think that's a definite yes.

Chloe: Too bad Metropolis doesn't have a superhero anymore. Maybe you should fill in for her, Clark.
Clark: That would just be silly.

Pa Kent: (on video) Goodbye, videotaper, and, metaphorically, everyone watching the show.
Clark: (sobbing) Why, dad? Why do you continue to use metaphors?
(Clark and Ma Kent continue to weep over Pa Kent at Ludicrous Speed)


Previous fiver: Reckoning
Next fiver: Tomb


Got a comment on this fiver? Contact the author, Derek Dean.

Other reviews:

Site navigation:
___ Five-Minute Smallville
___ ___ Season 5
___ ___ ___ Five-Minute "Vengeance"

This fiver was originally published on February 9, 2006.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2006, Derek Dean.