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Five-Minute "Tomb"

by Derek Dean

hloe: Showering, showering, la la la la.
Chloe: Oh great, the power went out. And I'm in the shower. At least there's no creepy shower scene music.
(cue creepy shower scene music)
Chloe: Crap.
Gretchen: Hi, wanna slit your wrists?
Chloe: Only if I can cut them in the wrong direction.

Clark: How do you feel, Chloe?
Chloe: Fine, now that there's blood in my body again.
Clark: Do you think we should tell the doctors about your mother's mental problems?
Chloe: My mother has mental problems? I thought she fled after the town turned on us because of the Lily Kane murder.
Clark: (through gritted teeth) Wrong show, Chloe.
Chloe: Oh! Right! My bad.

Gretchen: (eerie ghost voice) I have to find him.
Chloe: Ghost girl? Ghost girl, where are you?
Lana: Chloe? Are you sane?
Chloe: Me? Yeah, of course. I was just talking to the incorporeal ghost girl who left corporeal bloody footprints on the ground.
Lana: I don't see any bloody footprints.
Chloe: So they're not corporeal! Tried to pull a fast one on me, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU?
Lana: (to self) Back... away... slowly.

Lex: (on phone) No, look, I'm looking for Fine. ...Fine! ...No, I'm feeling agitated, but I want Fine! ...Penalty money? No, look, it's very simple: I want Fine. Just find Fine, okay?
Lana: Problems?
Lex: No, now that you're here everything's fine.
Lana: Do you think you could bring in some of your Belle Reve shrinks to try and cure Chloe?
Lex: Yes, Belle Reve is good. Nothing bad happened there. I loved it.

Clark: Lex, don't take Chloe away!
Lex: Clark, it's for her own good. What do you have against the asylum?
Clark: I saw how they treated you at Belle Reve.
Lex: Yes, Belle Reve is good. Nothing bad happened there. I loved it.

Lois: You kidnapped Chloe? From the hospital? In full view of everyone?
Clark: It's not like that. I think a few of the nurses' backs were turned.
Chloe: Lois, could you leave me alone with Clark for a minute or two?
Lois: Okay, but don't do anything stupid, Clark. Like believing Chloe. Or punching through walls.

Gretchen: (eerie ghost voice) WOOOO! I'm in this wall.
Chloe: Clark, she's in the wall!
Clark: I believe you! Let me punch through this wall to find the body.
Bracelet: Fear my glowy, kryptonite gem! Also, tell me I'm pretty.
Clark: (muttering) Of course there's kryptonite. There's always kryptonite.

Gretchen: Touch the bracelet. Touch it I say!
Clark: Gasp! Chloe has been possessed by the ghostly presence of this girl. What a complete and utter shock.
Chloe/Gretchen: Quiet, you. You're not supposed to know about that.
Clark: Honestly, I don't see how I possibly couldn't know about that.

Lois: This girl wasn't the first one or the last. The police have apparently found other girls buried inside other walls.
Clark: But no amontillado?
Lois: How can you think of drinking at a time like this?

Lex: How'd Chloe get out of the hospital, Clark?
Clark: There was no way I was sending her to Belle Reve!
Lex: Yes, Belle Reve is good. Nothing bad happened there. I loved it.
Clark: Why does your face always go blank when you say that?

Evil Mwahaha-Orderly Villain: Hi, have you seen Chloe?
Lois: Seeing as saying yes would make me guilty as an accomplice to Chloe's breakout from the hospital, I'm going to say no.
Evil Mwahaha-Orderly Villain: Ah, the Talon. I haven't been here in years. I remember when I used to take girls up to this room and bury them in the bathroom walls. Good times.
Lois: Uh... great. Well, I guess you have to be going. It's great seeing you. Keep in touch.
Evil Mwahaha-Orderly Villain: In touch? How about I touch you now? With chloroform?
Lois: Mmurrglermumphleba.

Chloe/Gretchen: (KNOCK KNOCK!)
Evil Mwahaha-Orderly Villain: Who's there?
Chloe/Gretchen: Chloe.
Evil Mwahaha-Orderly Villain: Chloe who?
Chloe/Gretchen: Honestly, I didn't catch my last name.
Evil Mwahaha-Orderly Villain: Not much of a punchline.
Chloe/Gretchen: Sorry, it was either that or "Chloe-form me too." But if it's punches you want....

Lois: (from downstairs) Somebody saaaaaave me!
Chloe/Gretchen: I'll save you!
Lois: Maybe you should've waited until after you knocked the villain unconscious. I would've been fine with that.
Chloe/Gretchen: Why? It's not like he's behind me right --

Lois: Just to be clear, she gets her stupidity from the other side of the family.
Evil Mwahaha-Orderly Villain: Along with those pesky bouts of insanity?
Lois: Okay, I don't quite get where this sudden stuff about Chloe's mother is coming from or why I care.
Evil Mwahaha-Orderly Villain: You shouldn't. Instead you should slit your wrists. Here's a knife.
Lois: Me? What makes you think I'm going to do it?
Evil Mwahaha-Orderly Villain: I honestly don't know.

Meanwhile, at the Daily Planet, our hero makes a fascinating discovery!
Clark: Hey, I didn't put on matching socks today!
About the plot, Clark
Clark: Hey, Chloe's been acting mighty out of character recently.
No, no, on the computer screen
Clark: Hey, at this one girl's wake I can see this one guy in the crowd. He must be the mwahaha-villain who killed the girl! Let me do a little more checking, and GASP! he works at Smallville's hospital. He lists his favorite activities as acting creepy and burying girls in walls! GASP again! My Spidey sense now informs me that Lois and Chloe are in his house basement. I must away and quickly!
Yes, good has been done here. Tune in next week to see if I still refer to Clark as "our hero."

Evil Mwahaha-Orderly Villain: Mwahahaha! I will stab you with this knife!
Clark: There's no need to fear --
Bracelet: Kryptonite is here! Now come on, tell me I'm a pretty bracelet. Come on!
Clark: Never!
Bracelet: Then die, child, DIE!

Chloe/Gretchen: No, don't kill him, Mikey! It's me, Gretchen!
Evil Mwahaha-Orderly Villain: Mikey? You called me Mikey? It really is you, Gretchen!
Chloe/Gretchen: Please kill me. You know Mikey wants to. You know Mikey'll like it.
Evil Mwahaha-Orderly Villain: Yeah. He likes it.
Chloe/Gretchen: Hey, Mikey?
(Chloe/Gretchen slams the bracelet on to the Evil Mwahaha-Orderly Villain)
Gretchen: And now my spirit has vengeance.
Chloe: I thought last week was vengeance.

Lana: Clark, I'm sorry we didn't talk about what we should do about Chloe. Why do you think we didn't?
Clark: Adds drama and, more importantly, angst.
Lana: I'm just not sure our relationship can survive without better communication.
Clark: Now you're getting the hang of it. Angst-city, here we come! Again!

Chloe: So I wonder why I was the one who got to see ghosts this time around?
Clark: Maybe because you're so caring.
Chloe: Maybe because I'm so crazy.
Clark: Probably because you're so crazy.
Chloe: Hey!
Clark: Just go visit your mom.
(Chloe visits her faceless mom at Ludicrous Speed)


Previous fiver: Vengeance
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This fiver was originally published on February 15, 2006.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2006, Derek Dean.