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Five-Minute "Onyx"

by Derek Dean

ex: Yes, and the fans want me to leave off the YAKE part, but do I listen to them?
Doctor: Maybe you should...
Good Lex: Nah, that would make the show interesting.
Doctor: Did you always have Good in front of your name?

Clark: Lex! Are you okay?
Good Lex: Yeah, I'm fine. I was just doing experiments in my efforts to better mankind, puppykind, and wunderkind.
Chloe: Okay, that was sappier than usual. I think I'm going to talk to the Doctor from earlier and see if he'll corroborate your story.
Good Lex: That's fine. Meanwhile I'll give Clark a tour of my laboratory.

Evil Mwahaha-Lex Villain: How are you feeling, Doctor?
Doctor-Guy: Did you always have Evil Mwahaha in front of your name? And why are there an inordinate number of shadows on your face?
Evil Mwahaha-Lex Villain: No reason. Just get some sleep. Some really, really, deep sleep.

Chloe: Lex? I thought you were going to the lab with Clark. There's no need for you to make this show any less consistent than it already is.
Evil Mwahaha-Lex Villain: But Doctor..., Doctor -- uh, Doctor whoever is one of my closest friends! I was just checking on him!
Chloe: I see, and all those nurses and doctors who just rushed into his room?
Evil Mwahaha-Lex Villain: More friends of his, I'm sure.

Good Lex: See, I was developing a special brand of fertilizer that would cause crops to grow in ice and desert alike and would have all the proteins that a human body needs as well as a cure for cancer.
Clark: Yeah, too bad it makes awful tasting food.
Good Lex: You'd think if this fertilizer was really so good, taste wouldn't be such a big concern.

Lionel: Hi, Lex. How are you feeling?
Good Lex: Just fine, dad. I've decided to become good too in honor of you because really you're one of the best father's I could ever have had.
Lionel: Oh son, thank you for saying that. It means so much to hear that. Now can we go into the world and do noble things for the good of all?
Good Lex: Yes, dad. Let's.
Evil Mwahaha-Lex Villain: I think the viewers are going to thank me for knocking you out after that.

Good Lex: Aah! Who are you?
Evil Mwahaha-Lex Villain: Well, if you're the shoulder-angel half of us, then I'm the shoulder-devil half. Or alternatively the shoulder-angelus half.
Good Lex: I'm not the shoulder-angel half, I'm the real me.
Evil Mwahaha-Lex Villain: Well, I can either argue with you about whether people are born good or bad and whether your death will cause my death, or I can thump this iron mask over your head.
Good Lex: So which one are you --

Chloe: I think Lex killed the doctor.
Clark: But he was with me the whole time.
Chloe: Then they must have doubles.
Clark: Hm. We figured that out way too quickly.
Chloe: Well, we can still drag our feet about resolving it.

Lana: Hello, Lex. What are you doing in my apartment?
Evil Mwahaha-Lex Villain: Sexually harassing you, because I find you attractive.
Lana: Um, I'm sorry. Since when were you attracted to me?
Evil Mwahaha-Lex Villain: Everyone's attracted to you Lana. Even Chloe and Martha.
Lana: Well, at least that explains why I'm always the one to get abducted.

Lionel: I can't believe you cancelled my charity banquet!
Evil Mwahaha-Lex Villain: Yes you can.
Lionel: Okay, I can. But what about our touching father-son moment earlier?
Evil Mwahaha-Lex Villain: Let's replace that with fencing and see if I can't turn you evil again.
Lionel: Cut my cheek and I'll think about it.

Lana: Clark, it's horrible. Lex is a creep!
Clark: Actually I think there are two Lexes.
Lana: So what have you done about it?
Clark: Done? Nothing of course. Not until Chloe tells me too.
Chloe: (over the phone) Okay, Clark, now you can confront Lex.

Clark: Lex, there are two of you.
Evil Mwahaha-Lex Villain: Hm. I'm kind of split on how to react to this news.
Clark: Well, only Chloe and I know the truth for sure.
Evil Mwahaha-Lex Villain: Okay, let's have you and her both go to a place that definitely isn't going to be a trap.
Clark: Sounds good!

Chloe: Clark, it's a trap!
Evil Mwahaha-Lex Villain: Mwahaha!
Ceiling: BOOM!
Clark: Meh.
Evil Mwahaha-Lex Villain: Wha--?

Chloe: So you wanna explain how we both survived without admitting you have powers?
Clark: Not really.
Chloe: Sigh.

Evil Mwahaha-Lex Villain: Ha! I'm the Evil Mwahaha-Lex Villain! Mwahaha!
Clark: Yes, but that means you're not the real Lex.
Evil Mwahaha-Lex Villain: Well, I can either argue with you about whether people are born good or bad and whether or not that makes me the real Lex, or I can punch you with my kryptonite ring until you agree to take over the world with me.
Clark: So which one are you --

Ma Kent: Clark, are you okay?
Evil Mwahaha-Lex Villain: He'll be fine once we rule this galaxy as man and superman. And just to prove I'm serious.
Pa Kent: OW! Why is it always me? It's always Pa Kent who has the shot leg, or the heart problems, or the impotence. Why me, huh? Why can't it be, uh, Pete?
Clark: Pete's gone.
Pa Kent: Just get me to the hospital.

Clark: I bet you're wondering how Lex split himself into two people, aren't you?
Pa Kent: Actually, I'm wondering why Lex let us go and why we aren't filing a report on him.
Clark: It's because he was exposed to black kryptonite.
Pa Kent: Green, Red, and now Black kryptonite? What's next? White? Blue? Gold?

Clark: Ha! I found Good Lex. And I know it's him by the white shirt he's wearing.
Good Lex: The other Lex is also wearing a white shirt.
Clark: Yes, but he's wearing a black coat over it.
Good Lex: Does that symbolically mean that Good Lex is the underneath guy? The one who deep down he really is?
Clark: Sorry, I don't think the show works on that many levels.

Evil Mwahaha-Lex Villain: I'm going to kill you, Clark. Cause I've got a Kryptonite ring.
Clark: Crap.
Evil Mwahaha-Lex Villain: By the way, are you hearing this, Good Lex? I'm referring to his powers and you should definitely be conscious for this part!
Good Lex: Sorry, I was too busy trying to find something to hit you with.
Evil Mwahaha-Lex Villain: Mwahaha! But since I'm the villain, that somehow makes me both stronger and cleverer, so now I have the upperhand.
Good Lex: If you kill me, how will you be able to live with yourself?
Evil Mwahaha-Lex Villain: Jokes don't work on me. Now get ready for my slow-motion punch.

Clark: So since Evil Lex learned about my powers, I assume you have no memory of anything he did.
Lex: Nope. It was really horrible though seeing myself as some evil, over-the-top, comic-book villain. It's just so unlike me.

Lex: Dad, I'm sorry for anything I might have said or done for the past few days.
Lionel: Don't be sad. You convinced me to turn back to evil.
Lex: Um, huh? Why?
Lionel: Hey, if I can suddenly and inexplicably become good, I think I can suddenly and inexplicably become evil again.
Lex: Well, I can't speak for most people, but I think we Luthors must be evil from birth.
(The episode ends ominously at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on May 9, 2005.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2005, Derek Dean.