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Five-Minute "Spirit"

by Derek Dean

hloe: Eat swinging axe, Mr. Kent!
Pa Kent: Gimli you're not.

Chloe: Now it's time to sneak down to the ubiquitous school basement where the ubiquitous school furnace resides.
Florida Audience: My school doesn't have either of those things.
Chloe: Shut up! They're ubiquitous, I tell you! Ubiquitous! Now I'm going to light things on fire.

(One day earlier (just in case you thought we'd start off with Chloe acting crazy without explanation))
Lana: So you want everyone to boycott voting for the prom queen? Why?
Chloe: Well, there are just so many horror stories about proms and prom queens that I think it'd be better to not bother about them.
Lana: Good idea. I don't think I'll go to the prom then.
Chloe: But prom is important! It's tradition!
Lana: Wait, I thought you were just making a case against proms and prom queens.
Chloe: Shut up.

Evil Mwahaha-Prom-Queen Villain: Like, hi, guys! I'm, like, totally a total ditz. Vote for me.
Chloe: Er, can you even read? I'm planning on boycotting the vote.
Evil Mwahaha-Prom-Queen Villain: Well, then you'll, like, not even get any votes for yourself.
Chloe: Wait? I'm running for prom queen? There has to be some regulation against being nominated without your knowledge.

Gardener: There's a dead body there beneath all that fertilizer.
Lex: Crap.
Gardener: Call it what you like.
Jason: Oh my gosh! Is that a dead body?
Lex: Should I find it suspicious that you're here at just the moment that we find a body?
Jason: No, you should check out who the body belongs to. I'm going to guess Bridgette Crosby. Let me know if I'm right.

Chloe: Did you submit my name as a contender for prom queen?
Clark: Yeah, but don't worry about it. You're the anti-vote. A vote for Chloe is a vote for no one.
Chloe: Well, thanks for that self-esteem boost.
Clark: By the way, I'm not going to the prom either.
Chloe: Why not? Clark, it's the thing we've dreamed of! It's about the future. And you have a future.
Clark: Um, thanks, Chloe. Are you on drugs?

Dawn's Boyfriend: I'm breaking up with you. I've decided not to go to the prom since no one else seems to be going.
Evil Mwahaha-Prom-Queen Villain: You can't break up with me right before prom! That's like just asking to be killed.
Dawn's Boyfriend: Yeah, I know. I'm stupid.
Evil Mwahaha-Prom-Queen Villain: Well, I guess I'll just have to find another date for the prom. Let's see... whom should I pick?
Audience: No, wait, let us guess. It's going to be Clark.

Evil Mwahaha-Prom-Queen Villain: Hm... Clark's pretty studly.
Audience: Sigh.
Evil Mwahaha-Prom-Queen Villain: Hello, Harmony? It's Cord-- I mean, Umad-- er, Dawn. Whatever. Just get me Clark's phone number.
Harmony: (over the phone) Shouldn't you be watching the road?
Evil Mwahaha-Prom-Queen Villain: Nah. What's the worst that could happen as I drive along the side of this cliff?

Evil Mwahaha-Prom-Queen Villain: Help me! My car crashed down the cliff!
Ma Kent: Too bad I can't see or hear you, or I might actually help.
(Ma Kent drives through Dawn and gets possessed by her.)
Evil Mwahaha-Prom-Queen Villain/Ma Kent: Oh my gawd. I'm like totally Clark's mom. You'd think this would freak me out more.

Clark: Mom? Why are you dancing like some silly teenage girl?
Evil Mwahaha-Prom-Queen Villain/Ma Kent: Er, because I really wanted to know who you were going to prom with.
Clark: Um, huh? I'm not going to the prom.
Evil Mwahaha-Prom-Queen Villain/Ma Kent: Oh, but you should. You should go with me.
Clark: Are you coming on to me, mom? Ick ick ick.

Evil Mwahaha-Prom-Queen Villain/Ma Kent: Hey, Lana. Aren't you excited about the prom?
Lana: Er, not especially.
Evil Mwahaha-Prom-Queen Villain/Ma Kent: What! Come here, you little --
Evil Mwahaha-Prom-Queen Villain/Lana: Ooh. Cool. Clark, do you want to go to the prom with me?
Clark: You're asking me less than 12 hours before the actual event? Isn't that too little time for either of us to prepare?
Evil Mwahaha-Prom-Queen Villain/Lana: Good. Then you can pick me up at 7.

Evil Mwahaha-Prom-Queen Villain/Lana: Harmony, put that sign over there. This is the prom, people.
Harmony: Is it just me or is this a little early in the year for a high school prom?
Evil Mwahaha-Prom-Queen Villain/Lana: Hey look! It's Dawn's boyfriend! Wanna go out with me now that you're not going out with Dawn?
Dawn's Boyfriend: Yeah, sure. The memory of dating Dawn is still haunting me.
Evil Mwahaha-Prom-Queen Villain/Lana: Interesting word choice.

Clark: Chloe, where's Lana? She's supposed to be here at school.
Chloe: Hm. Lana at school? Seems inconsistent somehow. But then, Clark at school does too.
Clark: Inconsistent? My mom was acting inconsistent! Maybe there's some inconsistency sickness going around!

Evil Mwahaha-Prom-Queen Villain/Lana: Mwahaha! Eat shocking electricity, Dawn's boyfriend!
Dawn's Boyfriend: GAK!
Clark: Gasp! Lana! What are you doing in the boys' bathroom?
Evil Mwahaha-Prom-Queen Villain/Lana: Er, bye.
Evil Mwahaha-Prom-Queen Villain/Girl: Hee hee. This is fun!
Clark: I'm waiting for an explanation, Lana. There's sports equipment in there!

Chloe: I've got it! Dawn is possessing people!
Lana: Good. So that means I didn't do it, right?
Clark: I guess I'll let you off this time. Just remember that "Boys" means boys only.
Evil Mwahaha-Prom-Queen Villain/Girl: Where's Dawn?
Nurse: In there, looking awful.
Evil Mwahaha-Prom-Queen Villain/Nurse: How sad. I guess I'll have to kill myself now.

Lex: What are you doing, Jason?
Jason: I've found out everything about you and Bridgette Crosby. Admit it!
Lex: Admit what?
Jason: That does it! I'm leaving for the sheriff's.

Lois: What do you mean you can't give me marijuana?
Pharmacist: Maybe you should speak to the nice nurse over there.
Evil Mwahaha-Prom-Queen Villain/Nurse: Hi.

Pa Kent: Well, we're off for the prom. Don't wait up for us.
Clark: Don't make too much noise getting back.
Ma Kent: By the way, you should go to the prom. I got you a tux and everything.
Clark: Sigh. Are you possessed again?

Evil Mwahaha-Prom-Queen Villain/Lois: Why don't you go to the prom with me?
Clark: Isn't this kind of sudden? And last-minute?
Evil Mwahaha-Prom-Queen Villain/Lois: I'll be waiting in the car.

Jason: You see, sheriff? The body is right -- uh, right -- Crap.
Sheriff: For some reason, I'm going to assume that nothing happened even though I'm rather suspicious by nature.
Jason: Oh well, thanks, sheriff. (pulls out cell) Hello, Mom? We did it! Lex took care of the body and everything.
Sheriff: I'm still here.
Jason: Oops.

Lifehouse: La la la. We're a popular band. I don't care what you've heard about us; none of it's true. None of it! Except the part about how popular we are.
Clark: I'm rather impressed I made it to the prom without touching you.
Evil Mwahaha-Prom-Queen Villain/Lois: Um, allergies. Yes, that's it.
Chloe: Hi, guys. I guess it's about time for the crowning ceremony.
Evil Mwahaha-Prom-Queen Villain/Lois: Ooh, come on! Let's get to the front. I'll need you to push the people out of the way so they don't touch me, Chloe.

Announcer: And the winner of prom queen is, in case you missed the first scene, Chloe Sullivan.
Evil Mwahaha-Prom-Queen Villain/Chloe: Yay for me! I'm the prom queen! But Dawn's the really cool person who should've won this award.
Crowd: Booo! No, we like Chloe. We dislike Dawn.
Evil Mwahaha-Prom-Queen Villain/Chloe: Geez, she just died earlier today. Can't you at least show some respect for the dead?
Crowd: Nah, inexplicable deaths, mutations, and insanities are the norm around here.
Evil Mwahaha-Prom-Queen Villain/Chloe: Grr. Then I'll blow up the whole school!
Crowd: See?

Lifehouse: La la la. We're still a very cool band. Please buy our album. Details at the end of this episode.
Pa Kent: Hello, Chloe.
Evil Mwahaha-Prom-Queen Villain/Chloe: Eat swinging axe, Mr. Kent!
Pa Kent: Gimli you're still not.

Evil Mwahaha-Prom-Queen Villain/Chloe: Now it's time to sneak down to the ubiquitous school basement where the ubiquitous school furnace resides.
Florida Audience: My school doesn't have either of those things.
Evil Mwahaha-Prom-Queen Villain/Chloe: Shut up! They're ubiquitous, I tell you! Ubiquitous! Now I'm going to light things on fire.
Clark: No, you're not. I'm going to stop you.
Evil Mwahaha-Prom-Queen Villain/Clark: Mwahaha! Now give me the crown. I'm the queen around here.
Pa Kent: Things I never wanted to hear my son say.

Pa Kent: I will draw you, Evil Mwahaha-Prom-Queen Villain, as poison is drawn from a wound.
Evil Mwahaha-Prom-Queen Villain/Clark: GAK! Lord of the Rings quotes. Stop!
Pa Kent: Actually, it's this kryptonite that kills Clark. See, Chloe? It's green and it hurts Clark a lot.
Chloe: Quiet, fool. I'm pretending to be knocked out.
Evil Mwahaha-Prom-Queen Villain: GAH! I'm like totally a goner!

Lifehouse: La la la. Sometimes I think we're playing here just to make this episode very reminiscent of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Clark: So, Lois, since you're here, do you want to dance?
Lois: No, Lana is here, so you probably want to dance with her.
Clark: Boy, do I!

Jason: I know I have no reason to be here since Lana and I both decided we weren't going to the prom, and I was fired from school for dating Lana, and people will stare and dislike me, but I just decided to -- GASP! Lana and Clark are dancing with each other! Grrr!
(One of the most clichéd plot devices ever occurs at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on November 26, 2005.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2005, Derek Dean.