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Five-Minute "Lucy"

by Derek Dean

ucy: Besides ripping off James Bond? Not really.

Lois: As thanks for letting me stay with you guys, I've decided to cook breakfast for you.
Clark: And in typical comic cliché fashion, you can't cook at all.
Lois: Maybe not breakfast, but you should taste my Beef Bourguignon.

Lucy: Hi! I'm Lois's sister. Can I stay here?
Pa Kent: Well, actually, it's taxing enough having Lois....
Lucy: Great! Thanks!
Ma Kent: Why do we have to be the "good" parents?

Clark: So, Lucy, why are you here?
Lucy: Someone told me to. Something about meeting a quota of Superman references.
Lois: Yes, but what's the in-plot reason for you being here?
Lucy: Oh. I don't want to talk about that.

Lana: Oh no! Our apartment has been burgled!
Jason: "Burgled"? You do realize that no one in the whole of Kansas says "burgled." Besides, you're wrong. Nothing's been taken.
Lana: What about the stone? I bet that's been stolen.
Jason: You're right! I wonder who stole the stone? I mean, you and I are the only two people who knew we had it and where it was hid, and I didn't take it, so therefore logically... it must've been Lex, Lionel, or Clark.
Lana: You know, you're not doing much to fight stereotypes of high school coaches.
Jason: Gimme some sugar, baby.

Lucy: Good morning! I milked the cow for you.
Clark: We don't have a cow.

Lex: So how does it feel having two Lanes in your household?
Clark: Like a cheap gimmick.
Lex: Fortunately, that's not a new feeling for us.
Clark: I'm not so sure that's fortunate.

Jason: I know you stole that stone from me, Lionel!
Lionel: Why can't anyone remember I'm good? See my halo?
Jason: We remember; we just don't believe it. So gimme the stone.
Lionel: Yeah, that's what your mother said to me last night. Maybe you should talk to her.
Jason: See? Even your "Your Mom" jokes aren't good!

Clark: What do you think you're doing?
Lucy: Stealing from the Talon; what does it look like? How did you catch me, though? I thought you were asleep.
Clark: You were humming the Mission Impossible theme.
Lucy: Okay, okay, I confess. I went to a loan shark and now I'm deep in debt and he's after me.
Clark: And you thought the Talon would have enough money? You don't understand small-town economics, do you?

Lucy: Look at me! I'm such a master violinist that I can play the violin with just the power of my mind!
Lex: Then why are you moving the bow across it?
Lucy: 'Cause otherwise I'd look silly.

Lois: I found out you borrowed money from a loan shark!
Lex: Lucy, money, loan sharks? This sounds like a job for Luthor-man!
Clark: Uh-huh. You're not an altruist. Why are you doing this?
Lex: Same reason I do everything: Try to take over the world.

Lex: All right. Got the money, now we need to make the drop and I'll be able to capture the evil Mwahaha-Loan-Shark villain and use him for my own nefarious purposes.
Cop Car: Pull over!
Lex: No, this is a cardigan.
Cop Car: Just stop your car.
Lex: What seems to be the problem, officer?
Evil Mwahaha-Loan-Shark-Cop Villain: Mwahahaha!
Lex: Crap.

Clark: Lex, are you okay? Where's the villain?
Lex: Er, he kinda took the money, the car, and the girls after beating me to a pulp.
Clark: You're pathetic.

Lois: Excuse me, Mr. Villain, but don't you think you should be letting us go?
Evil Mwahaha-Loan-Shark Villain: Give me one good reason why I should.
Lois: Because we're both important in later continuity.
Evil Mwahaha-Loan-Shark Villain: Give me another.
Lois: Uh...
Evil Mwahaha-Loan-Shark Villain: That's what I thought. I'll hold you for ransom now. Oh and by the way, Lucy was conspiring with me, but now I'm double-crossing her.

Clark: Lex, Lucy's been double-crossing us and I can prove it!
Lex: You don't have to, the villain just admitted it in the last scene.
Clark: We've got to save Lois!
Lex: Well, the kidnapper asked us to drop off money at this overpass, but --
Lex: Come on, Clark. At least give me a pretext.

Lois: Why did you do this, Lucy?
Lucy: Because I envy you for your relationship with Dad.
Lois: Well, I can see how those things relate. Oh wait, no I can't.

Clark: Look, it's the semi with Lois and Lucy in it. I'll just take a flying leap and land on it.
Evil Mwahaha-Loan-Shark Villain: Isn't this kind of ripping off one of those Matrix movies?
Clark: Nah. Even if it were, they ripped off Superman enough for it to be okay for me.
Evil Mwahaha-Loan-Shark Villain: Oh.
Clark: However, I do think what I'm about to do is kind of ripping off Raiders of the Lost Ark, if that helps. (POW!)
Evil Mwahaha-Loan-Shark Villain: Not really.

Lex: Look, it's the semi! And the driver's unconscious! I wonder how he was able to drive so well while passed out.
Suit: Maybe he has one of those semi-driving machines like on The Simpsons.
Lex: Get real. The Simpsons is fictitious. This is real life.

Lois: So what will happen to Lucy?
Lex: Well, I figure she'll be locked away for good unless, of course, she decides to steal my car and make a getaway while I do nothing to stop her, but the odds of that are --
Lucy: Bye, guys. See ya in my next return role.
Lex: -- surprisingly high.
Lois: Aren't you going to stop her?
Lex: Well... nahhhh.

Lex: Well, I broke even. Lucy's gone, but my car was found. The money's gone, but I got the villain.
Clark: Cool. So why do you think she went evil?
Lex: It's genetic. Some people have the evil gene, and others don't.

Clark: Lex, do you wish you had a sibling?
Lex: You mean besides the one I had who died?
Clark: Yeah.
Lex: And my half-brother Lucas?
Clark: Uh, yeah.
Lex: Aw, Clark. You know you're closer to me than any brother.
Clark: Sniff. Thanks, Lex. Wait, is this conversation just fuel for the slashers?
Lex: Clark, everything is fuel for the slashers.

Chloe: So, did you have to use your powers much this time around?
Clark: Oh come on! This is just pathetic. How can I be so oblivious that I've missed every single one of Chloe's blatantly obvious hints that she knows about my powers?
Chloe: Uh, Clark? You just followed me into the girl's bathroom.
Clark: Objection withdrawn.

Lana: Bwahahaha! I stole the stone and hid it in the same apartment I stole it from! I'm sure no one ever expected that!
(Weird astronomical stuff happens at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on October 28, 2005.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2005, Derek Dean.