Five-Minute "Cyborg"
by Derek Dean

yborg: So what do I do now?
Hong: I'm thinking...

Lana: Have you ever noticed how in TV shows and movies, the character driving a car rarely looks at the road?
Cyborg: Maybe you should.
Cyborg: Sigh. Here, let me get you into this operating room so you can be checked out. I'm sure a doctor will be in shortly. Now I've got to go.
Lana: Shouldn't we have signed in at the emergency room?
Lana: Hello? Oh well, I'm kind of used to that behavior.

(Knock Knock)
Ma Kent: Why, look! It's a package! With a portable DVD player inside! Cool, I've always wanted one of these!
DVD Player: What about the disc inside?
Ma Kent: It comes with a movie too? Wow, this senator job is awesome! People just leave cool stuff for you!

Clark: Hey, I know you! You're Victor Stone! You played for Metropolis.
Cyborg: Sorry, kid. You must have me confused with someone else. My name is Cyborg. I'm a superhero.
Clark: I think you're the greatest, but my dad said you didn't work hard enough on defense. And he said that lots of times, you didn't even run down field. And that you didn't really try... except during the big games.
Cyborg: The hell I didn't! (THROW!) Look, kid --
Clark: Kid? Shouldn't I be older than you?

Ma Kent: (on phone) No, it's too much money. No, I just can't afford it. (click)
Hello? Hello?
Lionel: Is there something -- Excuse me. (off-screen) No, no, put the light on my face. -- Like I'm an angel or something. And jack up the music, I can barely hear it!
(Lionel, bathed in an angelic light with a heavenly chorus of voices, steps out of the shadows, smiles, and says...)
Lionel: Is there something I can do to help?
Ma Kent: Oh yeah. Nothing suspicious about that.

Cyborg: So when my family died in this titanic car crash, I was rescued and surgically altered to have a cybernetic body.
Clark: For both being in a car crash and having your skeleton replaced and augmented, I'd expect to see at least some scarring.
Cyborg: I'm sure that kryptonite in some form was used to enhance my healing ability.
Clark: I... see.
Cyborg: And check out this cool thing where I can make metal claws come out from my hands!

Clark: Cyborg wants to see his girlfriend but he doesn't want to tell her about his powers.
Lana: Oh please. She'd have to be blind not to notice.
Chloe: So anyway, I looked up Cyntechnics, and -- shocker -- it's owned by Luthorcorp.
Lana: Who said that?!

Clark: Grrr. Lex, what did you do to Victor Stone?
Lex: Clark, let me give you a very reasonable, well-thought-out explanation on how it is extremely easy for me to have no knowledge whatsoever of whatever you're talking about.
Clark: That only makes you look more guilty.

Lana: Cyborg? Would you like to talk about your girlfriend?
Cyborg: I have to have a scene with Lana? Oh please someone, just shoot me now!
Sniper: As you wish!
Clark: Huh. That was one of my easier rescue missions.

Clark: Doctor Hong? Doctor Hong, where are you?
Hong: Sucking car fumes.
Lex: Is he dead yet?
Clark: You did this, didn't you?
Lex: Clark, be reasonable. I'm sure there are plenty of other reasons I would be here now. Just give me a few seconds to think of them.

Lana: Hong's dead.
Cyborg: That means I'm dead. I've gotta go find my girlfriend.
Lana: Don't you expect it to be a trap?
Cyborg: I expect everything to be a trap; that's why I'm still alive. Well, actually it isn't, but it's still a good quote.

Cyborg: Catherine? Catherine, where are you?
Krieg: Mwahahaha! It's a trap.
Cyborg: Crap, it is? And I didn't even see it coming!

Cipher: Do you have the money?
Ma Kent: Yes, you stupid blackmailer. Here, and I hope --
Lionel: Halt, fiend! Lionel Luthor is here to save the day! Ha ha!
Ma Kent: Um, my hero?

Lex: Now that we've repaired you, we just need to put this little chip in your head that will allow you to be controlled. -- By yourself! Obviously by yourself.
Cyborg: You can't fool me that easily, and I'll fight your chip with every fiber of my being.
Lex: Irrelevant. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.

Lana: Clark, Cyborg left here last night.
Clark: He did? GASP! That must mean he got captured at his girlfriend's house! And that he's currently being tortured at the lab! And if I don't act soon, he'll be a mindless drone! I have to saaaaaaave him!
Lana: Did something just happen? Clark? Nope, that's a chair. Clark, where are you?

Clark: Honestly, I don't think these people are even trying to stop me anymore.

Cyborg: So thanks for all the help this episode. I don't know how to repay you.
Clark: Well, I haven't seen the movie Pay It Forward, but I'm sure something like that should work.
Lana: I brought Catherine for you.
Cyborg: Catherine? You're not going to reject me like you did in the comics, right? 'Cause my metal parts are on the inside.
Catherine: Shut up and kiss me, you fool.

Lionel: Well, it's all taken care of. The blackmailer will never bother you again.
Ma Kent: How can I ever thank you?
Lionel: You can get in bed with me.
Ma Kent: Uh....
Lionel: Politically! I meant politically. (For now.)

Lana: So why'd you quit football, Clark?
Clark: It was too easy an outlet for my angst.
Lana: Right. Speaking of angst, I'm worried about our relationship,....

And now, as the denouement to Smallville's typical incredibly-long denouement, we present these scenes in quick succession to music you won't find advertised after the episode.
Lionel: Here's the money for blackmailing Martha.
Audience: We are shocked and insulted that this scene had to be explicitly shown.

Martha: Sniff. I'm burning this infernal DVD. It's caused me nothing but trouble. I'm keeping the portable DVD player though, because those things are just cool.

Lionel: Oh look. I did see the video I claimed not to have seen, but it's okay, because I'm on Kal-El's side now.
(Lionel's motivations are debated at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on March 5, 2006.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2006, Derek Dean.