Home Prev 5MSV: EPISODES Next Home

Five-Minute "Hypnotic"

by Derek Dean

ine: Highly contagious deadly virus, eh? I think I'll just take that. YOINK!
EV Scientist 1: Hey! You're not supposed to be here! I warn you that being here and taking our blood samples will result in heavy fines.
Fine: Okay, that joke is just getting old.
EV Scientist 1: It was either that or a vampire joke about you stealing the blood.

Lana: So, Clark, what say we go back to my place and have sex?
Clark: Geez, is that all you girls think about?

Simone: (pointing to self) Hey, look here.
Clark: Yes, they're very nice.
Simone: No, cretin, just above those... look at my gem.
Clark: ...
Simone: Repeat after me: I am craven and thou art my master!
Clark: I am craven and thou art my master!
Simone: Stand there, fool!
Clark: Stand there, fool!
Simone: Silence!
Clark: Silence!
Simone: Stop repeating me!
Clark: Stop repeating -- oh. Sorry, master.

Lana: I am so frustrated. Can I have sex with you?
Lex: Is that all you girls think about? I'm trying to find Fine and that spaceship from earlier this year.
Lana: Why are you telling me this?
Lex: I just wanted to torture you by telling you everything I'm going to do in a very inviting manner and then turning you down flat at the last minute.
Lana: Tease!

Clark: Since this episode is another one of those ha-ha-sexual-innuendo episodes, I made you apple pie.
Simone: Great, now all I need is champagne and chocolate-covered strawberries.
Clark: Let me super-run and get them.
Clark: I'm done!
Simone: I hope that isn't sexually metaphorical as well.

Simone: Now, it's time for fun sexual games involving you taking off your clothes....
Female Demographic: YAY!
Simone: And me taking off my clothes....
Male Demographic: YAY!
Simone: And you breaking up with Lana and leaving her a crying, despondent wreck.
Entire Audience: BEST! EPISODE! EVER!

Simone: And now to reveal I've been working for Lex to break up Clark and Lana.
Lex: Curse my sudden and unexplained attraction to Lana that's been going on for a year now!
Simone: I've also discovered Clark's secret.
Lex: You did? What is it?!
Simone: His, uh, deodorant. Yeah....

Simone: Clark? Clark? Oh, hello, strange girl in the house when all I'm wrapped in is a towel.
Chloe: Yeah, shouldn't you be scared or embarrassed or something from this situation?
Simone: You obviously don't understand my function in this episode. It involves male viewers praying for a wardrobe malfunction right now.
Chloe: Ah, carry on then.

Chloe: I think Clark's been hypnotized. See? Here we see that her father was wearing a gem, and now she is! Proof that she killed her father and stole the gem that makes people do whatever you say.
Lois: ...Or her father's a real hypnotist who died for a completely unrelated reason and being next of kin she inherited it.
Chloe: Oh please. How plausible is that?

Fine: Ah, Lex. You finally found me. I've been searching for that alien ship. See this boy here? I killed his father -- I mean, his father was found dead.
Lex: GASP! He has a model of the spaceship!
Fine: Yes, exactly. Now go back home and agree to work with me instead of staying here looking for the ship.
Lex: Well, okay, but I'm not giving clear reasons why!

Lois: Clark, you've been hypnotized. I came here first so you can knock me out.
Simone: Clark, knock her out.
Lois: See?
Simone: Mrs. Kent, you're happy that Clark knocked her out and that we're moving away never to be seen again.
Ma Kent: Heck, I don't even need to look into your gem. I'm happy about both of those things!

Lois: Mrs. Kent! Don't kill me! AAAAH! Somebody saaaaaaave me!
Chloe: I'll save you! Now, where's Clark?
Lois: He said something about killing Lex....
Lois: Chloe? Chloe? Have you been taking lessons from Clark?

Lex: Well, I'm glad to be safe and --
Lex: Clark! You're being hypnotized and the hypnosis is making you super-strong somehow!
Clark: I. must. kill. Lex. Luthor. but. I. must. take. my. time. about. it. since. one. punch. would. kill. him.
Simone: Good idea. Throw him around a bit before killing him.
Chloe: Green-K attack!
Clark: GAK!
Simone: Uh, Lex, look into my gem... Thou art craven and I am thy master. Kill Chloe and then yourself.
Lex: I. must. kill. Chloe. Sullivan. and. Lex. Luthor. and. Frank. Drebin.
Chloe: No, I must attack you and in the chaos point the gun directly at Simone's gem!
Simone: Talk about being in the wrong place at the wrong time. GAK!
Gem: You said it, sister! GAK!

Chloe: So, did you and Simone have sex?
Clark: Even though there was plenty of time and she could make me do anything, no! We did not! That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Chloe: So have you and Lana got back together?
Clark: I thought about it but the audience keeps shouting "NO" at me.
Chloe: Clark, if you do this, you can't take it back. If you break up with her, you're broken up for good. The two of you might not even get back together until next season!

Clark: Lana, I'm breaking up with you.
Lana: Jerk! We're through! Forever! Or until next season!

Fine 2: You.
Fine: Yes, me. Me, me, me!
Fine 2: Me too!

Clark: So it's sad I broke up with Lana. Sniff.
Ma Kent: You know, maybe she wasn't the One after all.
Clark: But the Oracle said....
Ma Kent: You can't trust a database. Now let's sit here hoping Lana doesn't go evil while we cut to --

Lana: I want to go evil.
Lex: I'm here to corrupt-- I mean, comfort you.
(Lana gets corrupted-- comforted at Ludicrous Speed)


Previous fiver: Cyborg
Next fiver: Void


Got a comment on this fiver? Contact the author, Derek Dean.

Other reviews:

Site navigation:
___ Five-Minute Smallville
___ ___ Season 5
___ ___ ___ Five-Minute "Hypnotic"

This fiver was originally published on March 31, 2006.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2006, Derek Dean.