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Five-Minute Mega Man 5

by Zeke

Mega Man: Look, I'm telling you, there will be eight.
Dr. Light: Mega Man, be reasonable. Three points of data are not enough to draw conclusions.
Mega Man: I'll prove it. Hey Eddie, what's the news like today?
Eddie: Terrible! Proto Man has gone rogue and created Robot Masters to destroy us all!
Mega Man: How many?
Eddie: Eight.
Mega Man: Thank you! In your face, Light-boy!
Dr. Light: There will be pain later.

Mega Man: What upgrades do I get this time?
Dr. Light: Well, I've eliminated Rush's Marine transformation, and I've made it so he jumps with you in Coil mode.
Mega Man: But....
Dr. Light: I've also adjusted your Mega Buster so that you lose your charged-up energy when you get hit.
Mega Man: Dr. Light, these are downgrades! Why? Why are you weakening me?
Dr. Light: You have to understand my situation, Mega Man. It's so hard for a father to watch his sons fight....


Star Man: Tremble before the awesome power of Star Man!
Mega Man: What is the awesome power of Star Man?
Star Man: Well, I call it the Star Crash.
Mega Man: Sounds nasty.
Star Man: Don't worry, it isn't.

Mega Man: If you make even ONE joke about the gravity of this situation, I'll crush you without mercy.
Gravity Man: That's a grave threat.
Mega Man: Close enough.

Gyro Man: Here it comes -- the testosterone-loaded, action-packed, no-holds-barred slugfest between Gyro Man and Mega Man! Let's get ready to rumble!
Mega Man: Does "no holds barred" include the Gravity Hold?
Gyro Man: Yeah. Uh oh.

Mega Man: "Crystal Man"? No offense, but that sounds fruity.
Crystal Man: Oh, be nice.
Mega Man: Okay, if by "be nice" you mean "kill me with the Gyro Attack."
Crystal Man: I'm pretty sure that's not what I meant, but whatever floats your boat.

Mega Man: I love the smell of--
Napalm Man: DON'T SAY IT!

Mega Man: Ow! Power Stone hurts! This calls for retaliation -- Napalm Bomb style.
Stone Man: Mmmmm! I love that smell! What is it?
Mega Man: Okay, now I really have to kill you.

Mega Man: Oh, come on. Does Dr. Wily really think The Little Engine That Could will defeat me?
Charge Man: I think I can, I think I can, I think I can....
Mega Man: Ouch! I walked right into that one.

Mega Man: Bubble Man, Dive Man, Wave Man...why doesn't Wily just call you all Water Man and forget about it?
Wave Man: He considers it a point of honour never to give two Robot Masters the same name.
Mega Man: Fair enough. Does he also consider it a point of honour to give you each an easily-exploited weakness?
Wave Man: No, that's more in the idiocy category.

Dark Man: Welcome to Proto Man's castle. I'm several of his fortress bosses.
Mega Man: You don't look anything like the guy in the movie Darkman.
Dark Man: No relation. Anyway, try to fend off my surprisingly powerful attacks.
Mega Man: Sure. Hmm...think I'll give the Charge Kick a test drive.
Dark Man: This should be fun to watch.
Mega Man: HEY! My blaster's not working!
Dark Man: Hahahahaha! Joke's on you -- Wily set that weapon to disable your blaster!
Mega Man: Guess all is lost, then. I'd better just slide at you and hope for the best.
Dark Man: Oh crap.

Mega Man: Okay, Proto Man. What's the big idea?
"Proto Man": Oh, I just thought it might be groovy to evilize myself, man. Peace.
Mega Man: Since when do you talk like that?
"Proto Man": Since Woodstock, marvy guy. Sample some flowery love.
Mega Man: OW! You nearly killed me in one shot!
Proto Man: Mega Man, you're an idiot. That's not me. That's Dark Man wearing a Hallowe'en mask of me.
Mega Man: It is? Oh. Too bad I'm finding that out on the point of death.
Proto Man: Sigh...here, have this L-tank.
Dark Man: Oh, this is SO not fair! Dr. Wily only gave me one of those instant-death shots!
Proto Man: The guy's a sadist, Darkster. You're not doing yourself any favours working for him.
Dark Man: Now you tell me.

Dr. Light: (over the comm) Help! Help, Mega Man! Wily captured me!
Mega Man: Then how are you communicating with me?
Dr. Light: This is my one phone call. Now listen up: I've supplied you with this bird who beats his wings and helps you beat villains.
Mega Man: He's called Beat, isn't he?
Dr. Light: How did you guess?

Dr. Wily: Now to crush you once and for all!
Mega Man: Excuse me while I begin the process of Beat generation.
Dr. Wily: You monster. You nearly killed me with that pun alone!
Beat: Twee! Twee!
Dr. Wily: And it's a cutesy non-speaking bird. I hate my life.

Dr. Light: Well done, Mega Man! I and the world are safe once more, and Proto Man's good name is cleared.
Mega Man: I wonder if we'll ever see him again....
Dr. Light: I'm sure we will, but relegated to the role of hint-giver and bonus-provider.
Mega Man: Poor guy.
Proto Man: I don't need your pity. Want a 1-Up?


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This fiver was originally published on January 7, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Capcom, and since you never know when a new Mega Man game will come out, I'd better stay on their good side. Incidentally, Rockman and Forte does not count as Mega Man 9. Mega Man 9 has not been produced yet. Rockman and Forte does use Mega Man and Bass, but the game's structure is sufficiently different from the MM series to disqualify it. Are we clear on that now?

All material © 2002, Colin Hayman.