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Five-Minute Mega Man 4

by Zeke

Dr. Light: Come quick, Mega Man -- you've got eight new Robot Masters to fight.
Mega Man: That's odd. Isn't Dr. Wily dead?
Dr. Wily: You wish, sucker!
Dr. Light: Ignore him. Anyway, this Russian guy called Dr. Cossack is claiming responsibility.
Mega Man: It's not very responsible to unleash eight evil robots on the world.
Dr. Light: You know what else isn't responsible? Excessive literalism.

Mega Man: So can I charge up yet? Can I can I huh huh can I?
Dr. Light: Yeah, yeah, you can charge up.
Mega Man: Excellent! Woohoo! Sweet! Time to kill stuff!
Dr. Light: If you look really hard, you may also find these two adapters I--
Mega Man: Are you still talking?


Mega Man: You're -- you're dead!
Skull Man: Idle threats won't sway me.
Mega Man: That wasn't a threat, it was an observation. What can I do to you that hasn't already been done?
Skull Man: You can blow me up.
Mega Man: Well, okay, but it feels like overkill.

Mega Man: Weeeeeeaaaaaiiiiooo--BLAM! Weeeeeeaaaaaiiiiooo--BLAM!
Dive Man: OW! You know, you'd find it a lot easier just to use the Skull Barrier....
Mega Man: No way! Charging up is too much fun.

Mega Man: I'll make short work of you with Dive Missiles.
Drill Man: You may destroy me, Mega Man, but others will avenge me! I and my Drill Bombs are only the first in a terrifying series of Robot Masters based on power tools!
Mega Man: Oh, yeah right.
Drill Man: You'll regret this when Electric Sander Man shows up.

Dust Man: Feel the pain of my Dust Crusher!
Mega Man: AH-CHOO! Sniff sniff....
Dust Man: You know, now that I think about it, I could have had a more effective weapon.

Mega Man: So what do you do -- hop around saying "ribbit"?
Toad Man: That's Frog Man. I do the hopping-around part, but I also use this acidic Rain Flush on you.
Mega Man: Your best weapon is bad weather?
Toad Man: It's better than Dust Man's got.

Mega Man: There was a time when I thought that no robot could ever look as silly as Snake Man. That time is now at an end.
Bright Man: Oh, shut up.

Mega Man: Freeze, evildoer!
Pharaoh Man: Ow. Ow. Hey Mega Man, while I'm frozen in midair and unable to defend myself, would you mind explaining why Bright Man has the Flash Stopper but Flash Man has the Time Stopper?
Mega Man: This is a ploy to give you time to defrost, isn't it?
Pharaoh Man: And a failed one, it would seem.

Ring Man: With this ring, I thee make dead!
Mega Man: That has a familiar ring to it.
Ring Man: Come here so I can wring your neck! That'll give you ring-around-the-collar!
Mega Man: Forget it -- my blaster can run rings around you.

Mega Man: That's the last Robot Master...now I just need to beat Cossack's fortress bosses.
Cossack's Fortress Bosses: Don't bother. None of us is memorable enough to warrant a scene.

Mega Man: An awesome automaton attacks -- alas!
Dr. Cossack: Be blasted by bludgeoning blows, blue bomber!
Mega Man: Criminals cannot crush crusading crimefighters, Cossack....
Dr. Cossack: Destruction, doom, despair, devastation! Die, dimwit!
Proto Man: Wait! Stop fighting, you two.
Mega Man: Dammit, Proto Man, you broke our alliteration!
Proto Man: Good to see you too, bro. Now meet Cossack's daughter....
Kalinka: Hiya. Dr. Wily's been forcing my non-evil dad to fight you.
Mega Man: That sentence changed my view of this situation in at least three different ways.
Dr. Wily: That can't be good.

Mega Man: I'll beat Wily if I have to get through a hundred fortress bosses!
Wily's Fortress Bosses: Don't bother -- we're not memorable either.

Dr. Wily: This time I'm sure to win! I have an invisible ship that only appears for instants at a time.
Mega Man: And I have a huge globe of Pharaoh Shot over my head. Your weakness, n'est-ce pas?
Dr. Wily: Drat.

Dr. Light: Good job, Mega Man! Wily's latest scheme is foiled.
Mega Man: Well, I owe some of that to Proto Man. I guess he really is on our side.
Dr. Light: Indeed. If he ever seems to go evil, we should remember not to assume that it's him rather than an evil copy.
Mega Man: What an odd comment.
(The credits roll at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on December 14, 2001.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Capcom, and since you never know when a new Mega Man game will come out, I'd better stay on their good side. Incidentally, Rockman and Forte does not count as Mega Man 9. Mega Man 9 has not been produced yet. Rockman and Forte does use Mega Man and Bass, but the game's structure is sufficiently different from the MM series to disqualify it. Are we clear on that now?

All material © 2001, Colin Hayman.