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Five-Minute Mega Man 3

by Zeke

Mega Man: Dr. Light! I just heard that eight new Robot Masters are attacking -- Dr. Wily must have escaped!
Dr. Light: What are you talking about? Wily repented and became my assistant. He's standing right behind you.
Dr. Wily: Hello, Mega Man. We're working on a peacekeeping robot for keeping the peace.
Mega Man: Can't I please kill him?

Mega Man: I'm going to go fight those Robot Masters who were not, of course, created by Wily.
Dr. Light: Stop rolling your eyes. Oh, before you go, I have some upgrades for you.
Mega Man: About time! I can't wait to start charging up and kicking a--
Dr. Light: Um, I'm not talking about your blaster.
Mega Man: Awwww! I really wanted that! Oh, well...what do I get?
Dr. Light: The ability to slide, and also this robot dog.
Rush: Ruff! Ruff!
Mega Man: Can I call him Porthos?
Dr. Light: No!


Mega Man: Hey, who are you? You don't look like a Robot Master.
Break Man: No, I'm Break Man.
Mega Man: Gimme a break.
Break Man: That's the general idea.

Mega Man: Ohhhhhh heck. You know, I asked Dr. Wily to build me out of a non-magnetic metal....
Magnet Man: Sucks to be you. Even more so because you're not armed with the Spark Shock, my weakness.
Mega Man: Hmm...that gives me an idea. Keep pulling me in with your magnet powers...closer, closer...there!
Mega Man: Jumper cables. Never leave home without 'em.

Mega Man: Oh, you again. Who are you?
Break Man: I already told you: Break Man.
Mega Man: So you brake for men?
Break Man: No.
Mega Man: You don't brake for men? You monster!
Break Man: Oh, shut up and spar!

Mega Man: Hard Man, is it?
Hard Man: That's Doctor Hard Man to you. I'm a graduate of the School of Hard Knuckles.
Mega Man: Wow, you're so funny. Almost as funny as death by Magnet Missiles.
Hard Man: How funny is that?
Mega Man: Observe.

Top Man: WHIRR! WHIRR! WHIRR! Please kill me...I'm soooo dizzy....
Mega Man: Been there, man. Never go to Six Flags on a full stomach.

Break Man: Have you had your break today?
Mega Man: You again? I beat you twice already!
Break Man: Them's the breaks, pal.
Mega Man: And stop it with the puns!

Mega Man: Ow. Ow. Ow. This is going to be difficult without inside information. Hey Shadow-guy, what works on you?
Shadow Man: Nothing -- especially not Top Spin. Don't even bother trying that weapon.
Mega Man: Heh.

Mega Man: I've killed Elec Man before, so you should be a piece of cake.
Spark Man: Hey! I'm completely different from Elec Man. He fires beams, I fire spheres. He has a flat room, I have a bumpy one.
Mega Man: He's weak against the Rolling Cutter....
Spark Man: ....I'm weak against the Shadow Blade. See how different we--OH CRAP!

Mega Man: Funny, I haven't seen that red guy in a while....
Break Man: I'm on break, man.

Mega Man: Hahahahahahaha!
Snake Man: What? What is it?
Mega Man: Sorry...it's just that you look ridiculous in that outfit.
Snake Man: Everybody makes fun of me! Why can I get no respect?

Mega Man: You again!
Break Man: Actually, I'm just here to break this section of ground so you can do the rest of the level.
Mega Man: If you make a joke on the word "groundbreaking," you can kiss your transistors goodbye.
Break Man: But I'm on your side!
Mega Man: Nobody who would make that pun is on my side.

Gemini Man: Hello.
Gemini Man: Hello.
Mega Man: This is disturbing. How can there be two of you?
Gemini Man: One of us is a fake....
Gemini Man: ....but you'll have to kill us both to find out which.
Mega Man: Okay, okay. Just let me pick a weapon. Let's see...your name starts with G, and that also stands for garter, and garter is a kind of snake -- aha!
Gemini Men: Oh my stars and garters.

Needle Man: Gemini Laser works on me. I'm not afraid to say that, since I'm almost impossible to hit with it.
Mega Man: Does that go both ways? Am I almost impossible to hit with your Needle Cannon?
Needle Man: You wish. Hey, don't stand so close to me. A guy needs his personal space.
Mega Man: Sorry -- if I were farther away, I couldn't shoot you in the eye.
Needle Man: Don't you know how dangerous it is to shoot lasers in people's eyes?
Mega Man: I have a vague idea, yes.

Mega Man: Who are you? I thought I got all the Robot Masters.
Doc Robot: Joke's on you -- I'm full of Robot Masters! I can summon eight of them at will!
Mega Man: What if I kill you before you can summon them?
Doc Robot: How do you propose to do that?
Mega Man: It's deceptively simple. See this needle here? I'd like you to humour me and pretend it's one of those instant-death spikes that line the walls.
Doc Robot: Hmmmm...okay. Now what?
Mega Man: Now I poke you with it.
Mega Man: See? The mind is a powerful thing.

Break Man: Break time!
Mega Man: Hey, why are you sparring with me again? You said you were on my side.
Break Man: I never said I was on only your side. Anyway, this is our last round -- I'll leave you alone while you go after Wily.
Mega Man: Good.
Break Man: Though I may at some point save your butt, causing you to owe me big time.
Mega Man: Oh, don't you even think about it....

Dr. Light: Horrible news, Mega Man! D--
Mega Man: Let me guess: Dr. Wily finally got around to betraying you?
Dr. Light: Er...yes, and--
Mega Man: And he absconded with Gamma, that "peacekeeping" robot he was working on?
Dr. Light: You don't have to rub it in, you know.
Mega Man: Do too. I told you so! I told you so! Ha ha!


Rock Monster: GRAAR!
Mega Man: Oh great...you again. Guess I should use the Spark Shock, since electricity worked before.
Voice of Reason: No, use the Hard Knuckle!
Rock Monster: GRAAR!
Mega Man: That's a thought. Thanks, Voice of Reason.
Voice of Reason: No problem. Thank goodness I remembered to talk between the monster's "GRAAR"s this time.

Clone 1: I am your evil clone! BWAHAHAHAHA!
Clone 2: No you're not -- I am!
Clone 3: I'm the evil clone, you imposters!
Clones: That's it, you're going down!
Mega Man: Well, that problem took care of itself.

Dr. Wily: Oh, hi Mega Man. Would you believe I'm planning to use Gamma to...um...start a peace somewhere?
Mega Man: Give it up. I know your scheme.
Dr. Wily: Drat...guess I'll have to crush you, then.
Mega Man: You'll fail. Know why?
Dr. Wily: Why?
Mega Man: Because I'm tired of trying to guess which weapon works best -- I'm going to fire them all at once! BANZAI!
Dr. Wily: You fool! You'll bring the ceiling down on--
Ceiling: CRUNCH
Break Man: Heheheheheh...he's gonna hate this when he wakes up.

Dr. Light: Mega Man! You're awake!
Mega Man: Yeah...hey, how did I escape that explosion?
Dr. Light: Somebody brought you back here just in time and then left, saying something about making a break for it.
Mega Man: Oh, dammit! Now I owe that cheeseball.
Dr. Light: Got a surprise for you, actually -- he's your brother Proto Man.
Mega Man: What? Next you'll be telling me I'm adopted!
Dr. Light: Ummmm....
(The credits roll at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on December 14, 2001.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Capcom, and since you never know when a new Mega Man game will come out, I'd better stay on their good side. Incidentally, Rockman and Forte does not count as Mega Man 9. Mega Man 9 has not been produced yet. Rockman and Forte does use Mega Man and Bass, but the game's structure is sufficiently different from the MM series to disqualify it. Are we clear on that now?

All material © 2001, Colin Hayman.