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Five-Minute Mega Man 2

by Zeke

Dr. Light: Mega Man, come quick! Dr. Wily has escaped and sworn revenge!
Mega Man: Piece of cake.
Dr. Light: He's also built eight new Robot Masters.
Mega Man: Not a problem.
Dr. Light: And he's invented these little birds that fly across the screen launching eggs at you.
Mega Man: This may be harder than I thought.

Dr. Light: I don't have any upgrades for you, but you'll occasionally find these cylinders called Energy Tanks. They can refill your life energy at any time.
Mega Man: Then why exactly does Wily leave them lying around for me to pick up?
Dr. Light: I'm no philosopher. Don't ask me how the world works.


Flash Man: Hi there. Please don't hurt me.
Mega Man: Okay. Wait a sec -- are you a Robot Master?
Flash Man: Yes, I'm Flash Man.
Mega Man: Flash Man? Oh my God! You'll crush me with your super-speed powers!
Flash Man: I'm not the Flash, I'm Flash Man. My powers are weak and few.
Mega Man: Oh. That's a relief.
Flash Man: So can you possibly do the "not hurting me" thing?
Mega Man: Sorry. I want your weak and few powers.

Quick Man: Fear my speed powers! BWAHAHAHAHA!
Mega Man: No, I think I'd rather kill you.
Quick Man: But you just said you were terrified of super-speed powers!
Mega Man: Does your name have "Flash" in it?
Quick Man: No....
Mega Man: Well, there you go.

Mega Man: I think these Quick Boomerangs will work nicely on you.
Bubble Man: Alas, this is true. But have you considered the cost?
Mega Man: What cost, mate? CRIKEY! Oi'm spakin' with an Austroilian eksent!
Bubble Man: Exactly. So what'll it be -- let me go, or face the greatest embarrassment of your career?
Mega Man: Actually, I was faking. You can die now.

Mega Man: Check out my new Bubble Lead!
Heat Man: Well, I won't be surviving much of that. Hmm...if I'm going to die, I might as well break the sacred Robot Master code and tell you some secrets.
Mega Man: OOF! Talk quickly...this...bubble...is...very...heavy....
Heat Man: Okay. My Atomic Fire can kill Wood Man in one--OW!
Mega Man: Sorry, guy. Couldn't hold onto that sucker anymore.

Wood Man: Oh God, no! The weapon of instant death! Heat Man blabbed, didn't he? Didn't he?
Mega Man: Welcome to the atomic era, Chakotay-boy.

Mega Man: These mini-cyclones could be a problem. I'll use my new Leaf Shield to protect myself....
Mega Man: ....and apparently for other stuff too.

Crash Man: Badda-bang! I'm Crash Man, the bot with bombastic blasters!
Mega Man: Oh, please. You sound like a 60s Batman supervillain.
Crash Man: You're thinking of Chill Penguin. Hey, watch it! You could hurt somebody with that Air Shooter.
Mega Man: I'll be careful.

Mega Man: I think I've mastered the pattern now. Prepare to die, sucker!
Metal Man: Are these Crash Bombs supposed to be hurting me or something?
Mega Man: Wh--what? But the pattern! I just beat Crash Man, so his weapon should work on the next guy!
Metal Man: Perhaps you're not as smart as you think you are.
Mega Man: No, that can't be it. Maybe I'm just not aiming the bombs right....
Metal Man: OW! You hit me in the eye!
Mega Man: That's the stuff.

Dragon: You'll have to get through me to fight Dr. Wily!
Mega Man: You and several other fortress bosses, right?
Dragon: Yeah, but I'm the only interesting one.

Dr. Wily: So we meet again, Mega Man...but you will never defeat my machine of death!
Mega Man: Done.
Dr. Wily: Oh. Well...you won't defeat my other machine of death!
Mega Man: Done.
Dr. Wily: Oh. Um. Er. Hey, guess what -- I'm an alien!
Mega Man: You actually expect me to buy that? I should burst your bubble -- and I've got just the weapon to do it.
Dr. Wily: Rats. Why do I always give myself weaknesses that can be exploited by the weapons of my own Robot Masters?

Mega Man: Dr. Wily is in custody and the world is safe.
Dr. Light: Not just that -- Wily has repented and agreed to become my assistant again.
Mega Man: Are you sure you can trust him?
Dr. Light: Absolutely. He's already designed fourteen Robot Masters; he must be out of ideas by now.
Mega Man: Just when I thought there wasn't going to be a sequel....
(The credits roll at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on December 14, 2001.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Capcom, and since you never know when a new Mega Man game will come out, I'd better stay on their good side. Incidentally, Rockman and Forte does not count as Mega Man 9. Mega Man 9 has not been produced yet. Rockman and Forte does use Mega Man and Bass, but the game's structure is sufficiently different from the MM series to disqualify it. Are we clear on that now?

All material © 2001, Colin Hayman.