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Five-Minute Mega Man

by Zeke

Mega Man: I love this peaceful life. Peace, peace, peace, that's the way it is.
Dr. Light: Hey Mega Man, my assistant just went bad and deployed six evil robots to destroy the world. Would you mind stopping him?
Mega Man: Well, if you insist...but only through diplomacy and pacifism.
Dr. Light: Excuse me while I reprogram you.
Mega Man: I'd really prefer that you -- [BEEP] -- tell me where they are so I can kill them all! Lemme at 'em! Lemme at 'em!

Mega Man: Okay, so what weapons will I have?
Dr. Light: You've got this blaster for an arm. It fires weak little balls of energy. Careful, it overheats if you do more than three in a row.
Mega Man: That's it? Can't I slide or charge up? Don't I even have a robotic canine assistant?
Dr. Light: Well, you can jump.
Mega Man: Everybody can jump!
Dr. Light: I can't. It's a "white men" thing. But I'll tell you what you can do -- you can take your enemies' weapons after you destroy them.
Mega Man: Oh, that's great. Grave robbery. And how good can the weapons be if I've defeated them with this pea-shooter?
Dr. Light: Next time I reprogram you, your griping subroutine is the first thing to go.


Fire Man: Greetings. I am Fire Man.
Mega Man: Really? Then I can just shoot you till you die! You're powerless without a fire hydrant.
Fire Man: No no -- I don't put fires out, I start them. I'm a Fahrenheit 451 kind of guy.
Mega Man: I think I'll still shoot you till you die. Fire away!
Fire Man: Oh, that was bad.

Bomb Man: OW! OW! Will you quit using Fire Storm on me?
Mega Man: Not really. Why?
Bomb Man: It keeps igniting the fuses of my -- OW! -- bombs so they -- OW! -- explode early. Stop it!

Mega Man: Okay, I can understand the other names. Fire Man, Bomb Man...it makes sense. But Guts Man? What the hell is that about?
Guts Man: I hate your guts.
Mega Man: Oh. Well, I bet you don't have the guts to jump on this pile of Hyper Bombs....
Guts Man: Oh yeah? Watch me.

Mega Man: Uh oh -- here comes Edward Scissorhead. Hee hee!
Cut Man: Oh, like you're the first one to think of that. Eat razor-sharp Pac-Man things.
Mega Man: No problem. I'll just use Guts Man's weapon, the mighty..."Super Arm"? What the--?
Cut Man: Oh, you don't know? It lets you pick up massive blocks and throw them.
Mega Man: And where do I find these massive blocks?
Cut Man: You could start with your skull.

Elec Man: You know, I can kill you dead in three lousy shots.
Mega Man: How many non-lousy shots?
Elec Man: Shut up. And put that Rolling Cutter away.
Mega Man: Oh, I don't think so.

Mega Man: Uh oh -- the iceman cometh. Hee hee!
Ice Man: Don't you have any original lines? Here, shake hands with my Ice Slasher.
Mega Man: OW! Hmmm...what weapon to use?
Ice Man: Pssssssst -- use the fire weapon.
Mega Man: That makes sense. Hey, wait a minute! You're the enemy! You must be giving me bad advice!
Ice Man: Drat. Almost had him.

Mega Man: At last I've killed all the Robot Masters. Now it should be smooth sailing.
Rock Monster: GRAAR!
Mega Man: That was unexpected. Now how do I kill a gigantic rock monster?
Rock Monster: GRAAR!
Mega Man: I've got it -- the Thunder Beam!
Voice of Reason: Rocks don't conduct electricity....
Mega Man: Sorry, the monster is drowning you out.

Clone: MWAHAHAHAHA! I am your evil clone!
Mega Man: What? I've underestimated Wily -- if he can clone robots, the laws of common sense obviously have no effect on him. And that means I can't count on succeeding even if I make sensible weapon choices....
Clone: Hey, I'm still here! Pay attention to me!
Mega Man: Ah well...I'd better go fight him now. Here goes nothing.
Clone: Don't just walk by! Fight me! Fightfightfight! Come on! Please? Awwww....

Dr. Wily: You may have defeated my Robot Masters, but now you must face me -- Wile E. Coyote! I mean Dr. Wily!
Mega Man: Just call me the Road Runner, baby. So what's the weak point of this engine of destruction you've got here?
Dr. Wily: See that cannon at the bottom?
Mega Man: Yeah?
Dr. Wily: Flammable.
Mega Man: Excellent.

Mega Man: I've defeated Dr. Wily and saved the world.
Dr. Light: And what have you learned from the experience?
Mega Man: Oh, my lessons have been many and varied. I learned that reverse psychology is a powerful tool. I learned that Pac-Man is deadlier than he looks. I learned that "flammable" means the same thing as "inflammable."
Dr. Light: Valuable lessons indeed. May they be of use to you in your future games.
Mega Man: What the--? Future games? We never discussed that! Shouldn't I be going back to my life of peace?
Dr. Light: I'll be honest with you, Mega Man...you were a real square back then. It's better for us all this way.
(The credits roll at Ludicrous Speed)


Next fiver: Mega Man 2

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This fiver was originally published on December 14, 2001.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Capcom, and since you never know when a new Mega Man game will come out, I'd better stay on their good side. Incidentally, Rockman and Forte does not count as Mega Man 9. Mega Man 9 has not been produced yet. Rockman and Forte does use Mega Man and Bass, but the game's structure is sufficiently different from the MM series to disqualify it. Are we clear on that now?

All material © 2001, Colin Hayman.