30th Anniversary TNG Episode Discussion Marathon

[Nate the Great]

I need TNG to be done before Voyager starts, DS9 can wait.
I'm also thinking that I'll run through the first ten movies when TNG is over.

October 18th, "Gambit Part Two"

Fiver by Derek

The Episode

WORF: Direct hit to the port nacelle. Only minimal damage. Hit to the starboard nacelle. Still, no appreciable damage.
TROI: Will must've done something to their weapons.
DATA: I believe you are right, Counsellor. It is now up to us to play along. Release inertial dampers and cut power to decks thirty one through thirty seven.

You do realize that Main Engineering is on Deck 36, right? Surely there are other places that you could subject to a blackout. I also think Data should've called for the maneuvering thrusters to be cut (making the ship seem to be adrift) rather than the inertial thrusters (which will make everyone dead when they bash into the walls).

And it occurs to me that there should already be a preset program to make the ship appear damaged.

WORF: Sir, we cannot be able to track them with our sensors if they go to warp. I can still disable them.

It occurs to me that some of the probes on board could be refit to remove most signal sources and turned into a tracking device that could be launched onto an enemy ship. Of course such a thing would be useless against a Romulan warbird or other large ships, but something as obsolete and small as the pirate ship wouldn't be able to detect it.

BARAN: How long will it take to repair our battle damage?
NARIK: It will take at least five hours to replace the antimatter containment unit.
BARAN: You have three hours, Narik. One minute beyond that and you'll answer for it with your life.

Under these circumstances I don't think demanding a shorter repair time with a death threat is a good idea. Narik has no reason to inflate his repair time, and he won't be able to fix anything if Baran kills him.

WORF: Their maximum speed is warp eight point seven. It will take them at least fourteen hours to reach that position.
LAFORGE: We could be there in five.
DATA: Make it so.

Eight point seven? On a ship with less than ten people on it? A ship that's a hodgepodge of various techs being held together with spit and hope? A ship that doesn't even have one proper engineer on it? You've got to be kidding me.

DATA: You continually question my orders in front of the crew. I do not believe this is appropriate behaviour.
WORF: With all due respect, sir, I have always felt free to voice my opinions even when they differ from those of Captain Picard or Commander Riker.
DATA: That is true. But in those situations, you were acting as Head of Security, not as First Officer. The primary role of the second in command is to carry out the decisions of the Captain in this case, me.

And it's times like this that the series format really falls apart. I get that they can't waste time having Starfleet send over an interim Captain, I really do. But there needs to be SOME sort of logic being used.

Frankly I'm not a fan of the chain of command consisting only of senior officers, there should be some Command division Lt. Cmdrs. in the lower decks who can step up. In any case this is not the time for this debate, Crusher should be in command with Data as First Officer.

DATA: Once I have made a decision, it is your job to carry it out regardless of how you may personally feel. Any further objections should be given to me in private, not in front of the crew. I do not recall Commander Riker ever publicly showing irritation with his Captain as you did a moment ago.
WORF: No, sir.

Fair enough, but this doesn't seem like the appropriate time. Now that I think of it Worf should've had his shot at command by now ("The Emissary" doesn't count) just like Data did in "Redemption".

Or they could've made Crusher the acting Captain with Data as First Officer. It would've been simpler and provided more time for character development on the pirate ship.

DATA: Dismissed. Mister Worf, I am sorry if I have ended our friendship.
WORF: Sir, it is I who has jeopardised our friendship, not you. If you will overlook this incident, I would like to continue to consider you my friend.

A good moment. Data has made progress, even if he still has a long way to to.

RIKER: As a matter of fact, it was Baran who sent me here. He told me to pretend to be friendly with you and help you organise a mutiny, so he can determine who your supporters in the crew and then eliminate them.
PICARD: What a tangled web we weave. I have difficulty remembering whose side I'm on.

It is a bit funny, I just wish this stuff was in a better episode.

PICARD: I have been looking over the glyphs and pictograms from the Calder Two artefact. And although I don't have enough data to translate all the inscriptions, the alphabet and symbology is much more consistent with early Vulcan than Romulan.

It's an interesting question that I could write quite a screed on. How much ancient Vulcan culture would be kept by the proto-Romulans? After all, at least at first there would be no reason to hide the connection.

RIKER: Do these artefacts have some religious or cultural significance, something that would make them valuable enough to kill for?

Valuable to who? While I have no doubt that the Romulans wouldn't have a problem with buying pre-Schism artifacts, they wouldn't be valuable enough to kill for.

PICARD: So, what will Baran do once he's obtained the second artefact?
RIKER: You're supposed to verify its authenticity, and then I'm supposed to kill you, and I take your place.
PICARD: Will, you always seem to be after my job.

I get the joke, but this never made sense. Picard is on board as an archeology expert for this specific "job". Once it's over Baran would have no need for a villainous archeologist. Riker is useful in a completely different sense, his duties on a pirate ship would be completely different.

I do wonder how much baseline archeology knowledge any given Academy graduate would have.

TALLERA: I will not play games with you. I found the message you sent to the Enterprise. When Riker was using his command codes to drop their shields, you sent them a transmission on the same carrier wave. You're a Starfleet officer. Do not deny it. It is the only logical conclusion. My name is actually T'Paal, and I am a member of the V'Shar.
PICARD: Vulcan Security?
TALLERA: That is correct.

Oddly enough the V'Shar never appeared again in canon. I would've thought they could've integrated it into Enterprise, but then again it's doubtful any of the creators over there cared about details this obscure.

TALLERA: First things first, Galen. Who are you?
PICARD: I'm Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Enterprise.
TALLERA: Very well.

That acceptance seems a bit too easy. There are any number of questions that should follow it.

TALLERA: To answer your question, for several years now, there has been a small but growing movement of extreme isolationists on Vulcan. A group that believes contact with alien races has polluted our culture and is destroying Vulcan purity. This group advocates the total isolation of Vulcan from the rest of the galaxy and the eradication of all alien influences from our planet.

This seems rather illogical considering the IDIC. Furthermore you'd think Vulcan would be one of the first planets to allow discontented citizens to leave and form their own society on another planet.

TALLERA: I am sure you are familiar with the ancient history of my people, before we found logic, before we found peace.
PICARD: You were much as my people once were. Savage, warlike.
TALLERA: There was even a time when we used our telepathic abilities as a weapon. A time when we learned to kill with a thought.

I've recommended the novel The Lost Years before, and I have to do it again. The true potential of telepathy as a weapon is really explored there.

TALLERA: The Stone of Gol is real, but there is nothing supernatural or magical about it. It is a psionic resonator, a device which focuses and amplifies telepathic energy. It is one of the most devastating weapons ever conceived.

I was going to write a screed about the range of Vulcan telepathy (most of it is touch telepathy, or perhaps a few feet, after all), but then I wondered if conveying thoughts requires a "tighter signal", and a Vulcan could broadcast "static" farther.

PICARD: But according to the legend, the Stone was destroyed by the gods when the Vulcan people found the way to peace.

I didn't notice that bit before, Vulcans having "gods". I suppose I could write a screed tying this into Mintakan culture, but I won't.

[Nate the Great]

Acting Captain's log, stardate 47160.1. The Enterprise is entering the Hyralan Sector, which I believe to be the next destination of the mercenary ship.

Calling these guys "mercenaries" seems a bit odd to me, but that's another screed.

DATA: According to the terms of the Klingon-Federation Treaty, Koral has every right to free transit through Federation space. We cannot board or search his vessel without cause.
WORF: Yes, sir. However, the Treaty does give us the right to conduct health and safety inspections of any ship in our space.
TROI: Health and safety inspections?
DATA: I am not sure that using this clause as an excuse to conduct a search would be consistent with the spirit of the Treaty.

This one seems like a stretch. Furthermore the Enterprise's sensors should be able to handle one shuttle with sufficient sensor coverage.

(Koral is the tallest Klingon in the galaxy, standing head and shoulders above the shuttlecraft hatch, let alone Worf)

Koral is played by basketball player James Worthy, it was Robert O'Reilley (Gowron) that got him into acting on the show.

BARAN: I have an additional task for you, one that will prove your loyalty. This raid is an opportunity to get rid of Galen. Once you've found that artefact, kill him.

I thought Picard was supposed to verify the artifact before Riker kills him!

DATA: Lieutenant Worf has programmed our replicators to make a very good approximation of Klingon bloodwine. I believe you will find it to your liking.
(Koral pours it onto the carpet)

"Drink not with thine enemy."

PICARD: According to Baran's logs, we are to deliver the two pieces to the T'Karath Sanctuary on Vulcan.
TALLERA: I know that place. It was an underground stronghold for one of the factions during the last civil war. It's been abandoned for centuries.

What civil war? I thought the Vulcans had peace after the proto-Romulans left. I suppose in retrospect we could call this a veiled Enterprise reference, but I'd prefer not to.

PICARD: For example, this symbol represents the Vulcan god of war and this is the god of death, but if you look really carefully, you can see a third symbol missing.

I'm still having trouble with the idea that the Vulcans of Surak's time still had gods. Surely they would've passed that Mintakan-like threshold before Surak.

PICARD: You'll never get away with this. Starfleet will never stand and watch you tear apart one of the founding worlds of the Federation.
TALLERA: How little you understand what you're facing, Captain. You're used to fighting enemies like yourself. People on ships with defence shields, energy weapons, warp drives. But this is unlike anything you've ever faced. This is the power of the mind.

And again I must ask why they haven't come up with shields that block telepathy yet. You'd think the Vulcans could manage it in the two thousand years since Surak.

DATA: What will become of the resonator, sir?
PICARD: Satok has assured me that all three pieces will be destroyed.
DATA: It is unfortunate it cannot be studied. The resonator is a key artefact from a remarkable period of history.

Yeah, about that. I assume when they say "resonator" they mean that the composition and shape of this thing redirects telepathic energy. Why does it have to be destroyed to become unusable? Surely you could beam out the "marrow" of the thing and replace it with inert material? Like welding a plug into an antique firearm to make it unusable.

PICARD: Number One, will you set course for Starbase two twenty seven. I'll join you on the Bridge shortly.
RIKER: Wait a minute. You've been declared dead. You can't give orders around here.
DATA: If we are to adhere to the exact letter of Starfleet regulations, then technically, sir, you have been declared a renegade. In fact, I believe you are facing twelve counts of court martial offences. You cannot give orders either, sir.
PICARD: That's quite right. And as I'm supposed to be dead, I'll go and get some sleep. And, Mister Data, I suggest that you escort Commander Riker to the brig.
DATA: Aye, sir.
(Picard enters his quarters)
DATA: (taking Riker's arm) This way, sir.
RIKER: Data, he was joking. You know that, right? Data?

Always a funny scene.

The Fiver

Worf: Let's bring the shuttle aboard with a tractor beam and search it.
Data: I don't know. We might give the pilot a heart attack or something.
Worf: Yes, but by the terms of the Klingon-Federation Treaty, we are allowed to search and give seizure.

That pun hurt.

Riker: Let me add a few more charges.... from my phaser! Mwahahah --
Greedo: ZAP!
Riker: Gak!
Galen: Didn't see that one coming.

Hey! Han shot first!

Tallera: Grr. In that case I have an announcement for the crew, Galen is Picard!
Crew: Yeah, so?
Tallera: Not quite the response I was looking for.
Crew: Sorry.

Guy hiding in the back: Hey! I thought he was really Professor X!

Picard: Drop your weapons! The Stone of Gol only responds to aggression; think happy thoughts!
Riker: Like puppies!
(WHIFF!)
Worf: And chili!
(WHIFF!)
Chili Joke: GAK!

Is that chili joke from an Enterprise fiver?

Memory Alpha

* The TNG Companion notes the Vulcan/Romulan schism happening before Surak. I still don't buy it, unless you're going to tell me that the Romulans forgot some of their supporters.
* One of the pirates reuses the Varon-T disruptor prop. You'd think the thing could've been modified beyond recognition by now.
* The chain of command thing is brought up, calling Worf a mere line officer while Crusher and Troi are staff officers and thus higher up. However, I think this is backwards, as the Expanded Universe Wiki (not to be confused with Memory Beta) says that line officers have to have specialized training to command where staff officers have the command training included in their basic training. Wikipedia agrees with the latter interpretation. To summarize, all redshirts are trained in Command whether or not they intend to specialize in Command or be a helmsman or whatever. Yellowshirts and blueshirts have to have extra training to be allowed to command. Geordi is also brought up as outranking Worf in this case since he has been a helmsman (like Ro).

Nitpicker's Guide

* Since Baran is so paranoid, how did Picard get a weapon?
* The mercenary ship is only invisible to sensors while at warp, so how did they get close enough to the ship to beam over a boarding party?
* Why does Baran have an implant to shock himself with?

[Nate the Great]

October 25th, 1993, "Phantasms"

This episode has good character work, but I warn you there be Treknobabble nits ahead...

Fiver by Nic

The Episode

Captain's log, stardate 47225.7. Commander La Forge has completed the installation of our new warp core. We are preparing to test its capabilities.

Couldn't he at least mention the starbase that they just left where the new core was installed. "Day of Honor" implies that external aid isn't technically needed, but I would sure want the help! Furthermore, I would have to imagine that Starfleet would want a backup ship nearby until the new core is "broken in" and the danger has passed.

PICARD: I just got a message from Starfleet command.
RIKER: Bad news?
PICARD: You could say that. I've been invited to the annual Starfleet Admiral's banquet.
RIKER: My condolences.
PICARD: I've managed to avoid it for the past six years, but now it would seem my luck has run out. I can't think of anything more tedious. Fifty Admirals shaking hands, making dull conversation, uninteresting food, boring speeches.

I'm not going to ask why a captain was invited to an admiral's banquet. I will ask why Picard even RSVP'ed to begin with. Surely such an event is voluntary, it's not like Picard is looking for a raise or promotion.

LAFORGE: Nightmares are part of dreaming, Data. Maybe you've just discovered another new level to your programme.
DATA: Perhaps.

I'm not going to do the research to come up with a psychological reason for nightmares, that sounds boring even to me. I will ask why it would take nine months before he would have one, and I will ask the purpose of a nightmare to Data before he has emotions. The only emotion Data is able to express at this time is curiosity.

LAFORGE: I'll tell you what. Why don't you help Farrell check the deuterium cartridges. I'm just about to bring the warp core online. All right?
TYLER: Anything you say.

Deuterium cartridges? Talk about meaningless technobabble. The deuterium stream should be coming directly from the pods, not some interim mechanism. If anything it should be antimatter "cartridges", there would be a reason to keep small doses of antimatter isolated from the rest.

Furthermore, it's weird that the warp core uses deuterium (a hydrogen atom that has a proton and neutron) instead of protium (a hydrogen atom that's just a proton). I get that the creators want to use a fancier word than hydrogen, but protium is just as exotic. Storing protium and antiprotium would be easier and more efficient than having pointless neutrons around. Plus making antideuterium is much harder to do than making antiprotium.

DATA: Geordi, you do not seem to appreciate Ensign Tyler's enthusiasm.
LAFORGE: She's enthusiastic all right. About me.
DATA: I do not understand.
LAFORGE: She's got a crush on me, Data.
DATA: You do not share her affection?
LAFORGE: Exactly.

Whether or not Geordi likes being chased is a screed by itself. I'll just say that none of the department heads should be dating within their own department. It just creates too many issues.

LAFORGE: It's a thing of beauty, isn't it? Now let's see how fast she can run.

What does the warp core have to do with the speed of the ship? All it does is make warp plasma for the coils in the nacelles. And if the implication is that it can make higher-energy warp plasma, you'd still have to retrofit the rest of the ship to carry the plasma to the nacelles without causing damage.

Couldn't they have mentioned that the warp coils in the nacelles were replaced at the same time?

LAFORGE: I'm on it, sir. There's a warp plasma conduit out of alignment, but I think I've got it fixed now.

You'd think the ship would be running self-diagnoses on the conduits all the time to anticipate these things. Then again, maybe the conduits were replaced along with the warp core and the misalignment was between the old and new stuff.

PICARD: Very well. Ensign Gates?
(all the lights go out)
PICARD: Mister La Forge?

That's just stupid. The fusion engines would be able to handle the lights if there's a momentary power failure.

DATA: I have been watching Spot sleep. In the past fifteen minutes, he has had twelve muscles spasms, which indicates he was dreaming. I have often wondered what Spot dreams about. His twitching and his rapid breathing would seem to suggest anxiety, but Spot has never seen a mouse or any other form of rodentia. He has never encountered an insect, or been chased by a canine.

This seems odd. You can't keep a cat inside an apartment all the time. Surely Data would release Spot into a holographic field from time to time so he can experience new places and chase holographic mice.

(Data plumps the pillow, gets under the sheet fully clothed, kicking Spot off, and approximates a yawn)
DATA: Computer, dim lights.

Always funny.

(Data's dream. Worf is eating a piece of blue cake decorated with a comm. badge)
WORF: Mmm. Delicious.
DATA: What kind of cake are you eating?
WORF: It is cellular peptide cake with mint frosting.

The way Worf says "with mint frosting" has stayed with me all these years.

DATA: My internal chronometer was supposed to wake me thirty five minutes ago.
WORF: You must have overslept.
DATA: That is not possible. Something is wrong.

Yeah, Worf is being dumb. This introduces further questions about how the dream program works. Would Dr. Soong really add an oversleeping subroutine? How much real time does it take for one of Data's dreams to happen? Do they happen immediately or is there a delay?

DATA: I will compare my autonomic logs with the ship's chronometer. Perhaps we have overlooked something.

What's that supposed to accomplish? We're not given any indication that his internal clock is out of synch with the ship's computer like back in "Schisms."

FREUD: Your mechanistic qualities are trying to reassert themselves over your human tendencies. Ego and id struggling for domination. The workmen symbolise the ever present id constantly working to destroy the ego. Now the image of Counsellor Troi, a female, is devoured by you, clearly indicating an unconscious desire to possess your own mother.

And people wonder why Freud isn't respected so much anymore. What nonsense. Not everything comes back to Oedipal and Hamlet complexes, dude!

FREUD: The knife in its violent connotation suggests a certain feeling of sexual inadequacy.
DATA: but I have no sexual desire.
FREUD: Ach! Impotence on top of everything.

1. Why would Data feel sexual inadequacy? Putting aside his full functionality, sexual inadequacy is an emotion and he doesn't have those.
2. What does lack of sexual desire have to do with lack of sexual performance?

DATA: I do not believe I am being helped by this session.
FREUD: Classic transference. Your anger toward me is, in fact, the animosity you feel toward your father.

Oh, the screed that could be written about Data's "animosity" toward Soong...

NAKAMURA [on viewscreen]: Captain. We were expecting you this morning. Is there a problem?
PICARD: Actually, we have been experiencing a few minor difficulties with our new warp core, but my Chief Engineer assures me that we will be under way within the hour.
NAKAMURA [on viewscreen]: You're not trying to avoid this particular engagement, are you, Picard?

Come to think of it, why can't Picard call for another ship to take him to the banquet? The repairs don't require his presence. This would even be a good time to take the Captain's Yacht!

[Nate the Great]

LAFORGE: It looks like we've blown the entire power converter, Captain.

Power converter? The warp core is specifically designed to produce the exact warp plasma that the warp coils require. The extra power for the rest of the ship would have to be converted for local use, but that has nothing to do with the warp engines.

TROI: I think you're developing an almost obsessive interest in your own inner workings. I'd almost call it the beginnings of a neurosis.
DATA: That is not possible.
TROI: Why not? You've eliminated all the technical explanations. And it makes sense that as your neural net becomes more complex, more human, that you might experience the same kind of psychological complexities as a human.
DATA: Do you really think it is possible?
TROI: Data, you must be the first person who's come into my office and been excited at the prospect of a new neurosis.

Ha ha.

PICARD: Unfortunately, the problem has affected our impulse systems. At the moment, we are adrift.

What? The impulse engines have their own fusion reactors! Furthermore, it's not the impulse engines that prevent "adriftness", it's the stationkeeping thrusters!

PICARD: Have you tried reconfiguring the plasma conduits?
LAFORGE: Yes, Captain. Two hours ago.
PICARD: What about the relays? Are you absolutely certain you don't need a new phase invertor?
DATA: I am currently running a level three diagnostic of the relays, sir. We will have the results of the analysis in approximately ten minutes.
PICARD: I see. Oh, perhaps I could reconfigure these isolinear chips.

Yeah, this one is just stupid. Besides, Picard doesn't want to go to the banquet! Is this just ego about not having control of the ship? That seems more like a Kirk thing than Picard.

WORF: Ever since you gave Alexander that music programme, he's been playing it all night, every night.
RIKER: I just wanted to broaden his horizons. Besides, he likes it.
WORF: It is screeching, pounding, dissonance. It is not music.
RIKER: Worf, it's better than music, it's jazz.

Jazz is screeching, pounding dissonance? Don't you need electric instruments for that? I suddenly wonder how Will and Vic Fontaine would get along...

DATA: Unlike a canine, Spot does not respond to verbal commands. (hands him to Worf who holds him at arms length) Goodbye, Spot. He will need to be fed once a day. He prefers feline supplement number twenty five.
WORF: I understand.
DATA: And he will require water. And you must provide him with a sand box. And you must talk to him. Tell him he is a pretty cat, and a good cat.
WORF: I will feed him.
DATA: Perhaps that will be enough.

You'd think after "Force of Nature" Geordi would've insisted on cat training. I must admit confusion as to Worf's resistance to full pet duties. He had a targ as a kid, and the Roshenkos seem like they would have pets.

CRUSHER: They appear to be extracting our cellular peptides. It's roughly analogous to the way terran leeches consume haemoglobin. If they're not removed soon, our bodies are going to lose all their cellular cohesion. We'll collapse into nothing but a few pounds of chemicals.

A few pounds? Is Beverly implying that the non-water part of our bodies is only a few pounds?

LAFORGE: What we want to do, Data, is link your neural net into the holodeck and have you activate your dream programme, so as you dream we can observe the dream images.
PICARD: Perhaps we can learn more about these creatures by interpreting the symbols and images of your dreams.
DATA: I see. The concept is similar to the method of directed dreaming.
PICARD: Exactly.

I'm pretty sure that it wouldn't be that simple. Plus this has nothing to do with directed dreaming.

PICARD: Mister Data, what kind of cake is this?
DATA: It is cellular peptide cake.
WORF: With mint frosting.

The mint frosting is essential!

LAFORGE: I do recognise that junction they're working on. It's the plasma conduit we installed with the new warp core.

So they replaced ONE plasma conduit? It must've been a broken part that they decided to replace along with the warp core and it's not an upgrade or anything.

LAFORGE: Well, we're going to have to manufacture a new conduit. That's at least six hours work.
PICARD: Six hour? The banquet will be completely over by then. That's very unfortunate.
LAFORGE: I can try and speed things up a bit.
PICARD: No, no, no. I wouldn't want to sacrifice the safety of the ship.
LAFORGE: Understood, sir.

Ha ha. I'm glad that they're implying that there are industrial fabricators on board and you can't just replicate everything.

The Fiver

Data: Excuse me, no repairs were authorized on this deck.
Construction Workers: Damn the bleeping Starfleet regulations. Did you know that in the Maquis, if something's broken, they just fix it?

What does this have to do with the Maquis? This joke seems like a stretch. There really should be a parallel between the Maquis and the episode's events to justify it.

Picard: Well, I'm going. They must hear my fascinating theories on the Egyptian-Hittite battle of 1294 BC.

This is a reference to the Battle of Kadesh, the oldest battle that we know of that actually employed formal tactics and formations. The battle was a stalemate.

Worf: A modified warp core on a Starfleet ship that works? Hah! And targs fly!

He does present a valid point.

Nakamura: Oh Captain, you could always email us your insights into the Egyptian-Hittite battle. Or drop the subject entirely! It was a draw!
Picard: It was not! The Egyptians won! Ramses II says so!
Nakamura: And why should Ramses II be trusted?
Picard: Because he wasn`t influenced by Romulan astronauts, like those deceptive and double-crossing Hittites!

The first reference was cute, but explaining the joke doesn't make it funny. Plus I think the Romulans would be on the Egyptian's side.

La Forge: (over the comm) Okay, let's try out the new warp core again.
Riker: Everyone say Edsel!

I get that this is a Threshold reference, but people who know the history of the Edsel would laugh even more. Basically the Edsel is what happens when people muck around with an established design to "modernize" it without thinking about why the established design is established.

Troi: Lalala... I've got faith, of the heeeart...

What does Enterprise have to do with this situation?

Data: If you encounter a warp core breach and start believing you're impervious to antimatter explosions -- I'm still dreaming.

This one makes sense.

Picard: Sweet nightmares, Mr. Data!
Data: How thoughtful of you, sir.
Picard: Do you perhaps want a little bedtime story? A Stephen King novel? Anne Rice?

This seems like a missed opportunity to riff on scary Trek literature. The autobiography of Neelix, or Wesley's latest fanfic, or whatever.

Memory Alpha

* They kept the modified warp core prop to use for one of the alternate Enterprises in "Parallels".

Nitpicker's Guide

* Why is Data "sleeping" when the warp core is broken?
* Phil has a problem with Crusher saying that the interphasic organisms are attached to their bodies with tendrils, then showing some of them on their uniforms. I question this, is there a reason why the tentrils (and their mouths) can't reach through the holes in the weave?
* The cat used to portray Spot before and after Worf cares for him (he's still a him at this point, FYI) are quite different? This implies that Worf killed the original (male) Spot and replaced him with a new female Spot who will get pregnant for "Genesis".

[Nate the Great]

November 1st, 1993, "Dark Page"

No fiver

The Episode

Captain's log, stardate 47254.1. A delegation of the Cairn have just come on board. This telepathic species has no concept of spoken language, and is being instructed in its use by an old friend.

This premise falls apart at the slightest resistance.
1. If this species never had a need for spoken language until they entered the galactic community, how do they have vocal cords?
2. Why is Lwaxana here? We're never given any indication that she's trained in anything other than being a member of the aristocracy, so why is she able to teach anyone? Furthermore, why would she be able to comprehend the Cairn's thoughts if they don't use conventional words?
3. If the Universal Translator can translate the Companion, why can't it translate the Cairn?
4. Lwaxana will soon say that the Cairn don't think in words, but images. So how could they develop any technology at all, much less warp drive?

LWAXANA: Of course, they realise that they'll want to communicate verbally if they join the Federation.

I'm confused at this. Plenty of times we've seen Horta wear personal translators because they can't communicate verbally. And don't even try to tell me that the UT can't make a direct connection with the language center of the brain, because obviously they can!

LAFORGE: It's called a visor. It enables me to see.
HEDRIL: (a little girl) Like my vocal enhancer. It helps me make sounds.

The metaphor didn't make sense with Riva's chorus, and it doesn't make sense here.

LWAXANA: Aren't you going to mingle, Mister Woof?
WORF: I do not care for telepaths. They make me uneasy.

I've already said that it's far FAR too late to continue the Mr. Woof joke. Worf's feelings about telepaths could be a screed by themselves, I could speculate for a long time about the Romulan/Klingon alliance and so forth in relation to this idea.

MAQUES: Your mother told me of your need.
TROI: Need?
MAQUES: A moment. Husband. You need a husband. I need a wife.

Ugh. UGH. Putting aside Lwaxana's lack of tact and understanding, I'm offended at the notion that people have to be married to be happy. And frankly Lwaxana trying to get Deanna a husband is another plot that should've been dispensed with years ago.

LWAXANA: I just think it's time for you to settle down.

In an age when people routinely live to be over a hundred years old why is Lwaxana so dead set on Deanna having a child NOW? Furthermore, even she should see how self-sabotaging her efforts are by now. She shows up, Deanna is exasperated, Deanna continues to be single, rinse and repeat.

LWAXANA: You are so precious to me. You're all I've got. If something happened to you I don't know what I'd do.

I get that Lwaxana is being reminded of Kestra right now, but this idea that Lwaxana is only happy when living vicariously through Deanna and possible grandchildren is patently ridiculous. She's aristocracy back on Betazed and it's definitely implied that she has many friends back there.

MAQUES: Your mother is the first to learn our telepathy.
TROI: You mean you've never had telepathy with someone who wasn't Cairn?

What? Lwaxana wasn't part of the First Contact team, so how did Starfleet communicate with the Cairn until a powerful telepath could be contacted? Are Vulcan mind melds really not enough?

TROI: I was all set for another round of arguing when all of a sudden she just fell apart.
RIKER: She's under a lot of stress. She's preparing the Cairn to meet with the Federation Council.

The Federation Council? The Cairn are nowhere near ready to formally join the Federation, so shouldn't they still be working with the diplomatic delegation?

RIKER: Mrs Troi.
LWAXANA: Don't you Mrs Troi me.
TROI: Mother!
LWAXANA: Why don't you leave her alone? If it weren't for you she'd be married by now.

A loaded topic. She thinks that if Deanna had never met Will again she'd be dating more? Possible, I suppose, but very troublesome.

I suddenly wonder what Lwaxana would think of Tom Riker (before he defected to the Maquis, I mean).

(Maques pricks his finger on a rose thorn)
TROI: Flowers of all hue, and without thorn the rose. It's an old earth poem by John Milton.

From Paradise Lost, Book 4. Why is Deanna quoting poetry to people who only recently learned about words?

TROI: This is something I think you'll find interesting. It's a jewel plant from Folnar Three. The plant secretes a resin which is collected within the blossom. By the time the bloom has faded, the resin has hardened into a rare and beautiful gem.

An interesting idea, although there are only a few "gems" that can be beautiful without crystal facets.

LWAXANA: I remember the day I took this.
TROI: Mister Homn said he saved it in case someday you wanted to remember her.

This is odd, because we were given the implication that Mr. Homn started working for Lwaxana fairly recently because his predecessor Mr. Xelo became obsessed with her. So was Xelo just an interim manservant, or did Xelo give the picture to Homn on his way out?

Memory Alpha

* The page brings up the Xelo/Homn thing and agrees that Xelo gave Homn the picture.
* Only one of three episodes that there isn't a scene on the bridge.
* Only episode in TNG where Lwaxana appears without Homn. The actor was unavailable.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Worf doesn't try to correct the "Mr. Woof". One of Phil's readers pointed this out.
* Given the Betazoid's telepathy, is it really possible that none of Lwaxana's friends mentioned Kestra to Deanna?
* For that matter, wouldn't Kestra be in Ian's Starfleet record?
* The stardates given in this episode don't even try to adhere to 1000 units=1 year.
* Phil wonders how Homn can speak with Deanna when we've only heard him say "thank you for the drinks". Well, the answer is obvious. Homn only speaks with his employers, which Deanna would count as. He only said "thank you for the drinks" because he was tipsy. In the novel "Imzadi" when Lwaxana is dying he says "She's waiting for you" to Will.
* Wouldn't Lwaxana have a telepathic link with Kestra and notice that she had wandered off?
* Phil wonders where Deanna got her accent when neither Lwaxana and Ian sound like her. Did Deanna go to a boarding school where she was forced to use an archaic accent?

[Nate the Great]

November 8th, 1993, "Attached"

Fiver by Marc

The Episode

Captain's log, stardate 47304.2. The Enterprise has arrived at Kesprytt Three in order to evaluate an unusual request on the part of the Kes for associate membership in the Federation.

Given that they were working on Voyager by now, I wonder why they recycled the name "Kes."

CRUSHER: Are you worried about this mission with the Kes?
PICARD: Not worried exactly. This notion of admitting half of their planet to the Federation while leaving the other half out.
CRUSHER: First of all, the Kes are not half the planet, they're nearly three quarters of it. And the Prytt are not being left out. They themselves simply don't want to have contact with anyone from the outside. not the Federation or anyone else.
PICARD: Every member of the Federation entered as a unified world, and that unity said something about them. That they had resolved certain social and political differences and they were now ready to become part of a larger community.

SF Debris raised some good questions about this issue. While I can see the idea of requiring united world governments, I don't think that it should be an ironclad requirement. I do wonder why the Federation can't move the Kes to another planet.

CRUSHER: Well, think about Earth. What if one of the old nation states, say Australia, had decided not to join the World Government in twenty one fifty? Would that have disqualified us as a Federation member?

The interesting thing about this whole thing is that the World Government didn't exist until well after first contact, and the Vulcans obviously don't have this hangup about unified governments.

CRUSHER: The last thing I remember we were beginning to transport.
PICARD: I would assume we must be on Kesprytt. We're in some kind of prison cell.

I'm a bit confused about how either the Kes or the Prytt learned enough about Federation transporter systems to reroute the signal.

CRUSHER: It looks like an implant. It seems to be connected directly to the brainstem.

How does she know this? She doesn't have her tricorder right now!

LORIN: You are being held under the authority of the Prytt Security Ministry. The charges are conspiring with the enemy.

I don't see how the term "conspiring" applies. The Prytt don't want to interact with aliens, but that doesn't give them the right to stop the Kes from doing so.

WORF: Commander. The Transporter sensor log shows an unusual concentration of antigraviton particles in the emitter coil.
DATA: A concentration of antigraviton particles suggests a tractor beam. It might have deflected the transporter beam to a different set of coordinates.

Yeah, that's nonsense.

PICARD: There may be a structural flaw that would allow us to escape.
CRUSHER: Right.

If you can't see the flaw with your eyes, there's no chance that it's large enough to allow for the bars to be bent. Picard is just staying busy.

PICARD: There is a way out of every box, there is a solution to every puzzle. It's just a matter of finding it.

I could've sworn this quote was from "Allegiance", but I guess not.

PICARD: Do you mind thinking of something else. You're making me hungry.
CRUSHER: What do you want me to think about?
PICARD: Something other than a large bowl of vegetable soup.
CRUSHER: My grandmother used to make it, with peas, carrots and
PICARD: Beverly!
CRUSHER: I'm sorry.

I missed this additional reference to Felicia Howard.

PICARD: You're right. We can't react to every random thought that crosses the other person's mind. Isn't astonishing, though, how much clutter there is in a consciousness. Odd memories coming to the surface. Bits of half-remembered songs.
CRUSHER: Stray day dreams, scattered minutiae. I wonder how true telepaths sift through it all. How can they really get to what someone's thinking if the minds keeps churning all this flotsam to the surface?

Oh yeah, do I get this. My thoughts can wander quite far if given the chance.

CRUSHER: I mean, you're acting like you know exactly which way to go, but you're only guessing. Do you do this all the time?
PICARD: No, but there are times when it is necessary for a captain to give the appearance of confidence.

Ha ha. I bet Kirk did this way more often than Picard ever did.

PICARD: I'm beginning to realise that you seem to always have some acerbic remark on the tip of your tongue.
CRUSHER: Well at least I've trained myself not to say it anymore.

Acerbic means sharp or forthright. Brusquely honest. This doesn't seem to fit with Beverly's personality, it sounds more like a Torres thing.

MAURIC: Of course not. How could you know if your Captain and Doctor were meeting secretly with the Prytt? Meeting in order to set up a military alliance with the Federation.

I'm having trouble believing this. The Prytt don't just hate the Kes, they're isolationist to a fault. They don't want to talk to aliens. Furthermore, why would the Federation want to make an alliance with the minority faction instead of the majority one?

MAURIC: It was a clever scheme. First, you pretend to lose your officers during transport, then you ask us for help and get us to expose several of our undercover operatives in the process.

Hey, you offered the help of Kes security! I'm reminded of "The Voyager Conspiracy" here...

[Nate the Great]

CRUSHER: I'm beginning to think there's not a single thing on this planet we can eat.

I hate this notion. It was one thing when it happened in "The Apple" on a planet that had no animals, it's a different situation here. It stands to reason that Kesprytt was also seeded by the Projenitors, so why would they do so on a planet that can't support humanoid life?

PICARD: You see, I think that breakfast should be a simple meal and recently you've been ordering these elaborate things.
CRUSHER: Coffee and croissants, that's all you really want, isn't it? Coffee and croissants. Well why didn't you just say so?

This seems a little too simple for breakfast.

CRUSHER: No, I usually prefer something simple myself but I thought you might enjoy more variety.

I'm having trouble equating "variety" with "complicated".

CRUSHER: I guess I always knew that there was an attraction between us right from the start, but I never knew how strongly you felt. Why didn't you ever tell me you were in love with me?

Given the events of "We'll Always Have Paris" and "Allegiance", this seems rather disingenuous.

CRUSHER: And when Jack died you felt guilty.
PICARD: I felt guilty before he died. Having feelings like that for my best friend's wife. And then later, after the accident, I promised myself that I would never tell you know how I felt. It would be like betraying my friend
CRUSHER: That's why you didn't want me on the Enterprise seven years ago.

I recommend the novel "Q-Squared" for a different take on this scenario. In an alternate universe it was Wesley who died instead of Jack. It led to the breakup of their marriage, and by the time he takes command of the E-D (the Battle of Maxia went very differently) with Picard as first officer Picard and Beverly were already a couple, but they failed to hide it from Jack.

PICARD: I didn't know how I would react. And then, little by little, I realised that I didn't have those feelings any more.

One assumes that Beverly is choosing to go along with this blatant lie.

RIKER: Now, the matter of our missing officers.
LORIN: They are still charged with spying, Commander. I have heard nothing here which would alter that.
RIKER: Then maybe you should consider this. If anything happens to them, Starfleet is going to want a full investigation, which means more starships will be coming to Kesprytt and those ships are going to want answers which puts your country under a very large and very uncomfortable microscope. Remember how unhappy you were when we contacted just one of your people without authorisation? Well, just think of what it'll be like. Ten starships asking questions, contacting hundreds of your people. Massive sensor sweeps. They may even start sending down away teams. All because you wouldn't help me find my missing officers.

Exactly. Starfleet will not let Picard and Crusher stay prisoners.

PICARD: Now that we know how each of us feels, perhaps we should not be afraid to explore those feelings.
(she kisses his cheek)
CRUSHER: Or perhaps we should be afraid.

One big problem with this is that they explored Picard's feelings so much that Beverly didn't have the chance to work through her feelings. You'll note that all she admitted to was being attracted to Picard when they met.

And of course an unaddressed problem is that she's just as much his subordinate as Neela Darren. So the problems from "Lessons" are even bigger here.

The Fiver

Data: My analysis shows the Captain and Doctor did not have travel insurance.
Riker: Makes sense. Transporting is supposed to be safe and foolproof.
Worf: That is what Lieutenant Barclay keeps claiming.

This seems like a stretch for the sake of a punchline.

Riker: The Captain and Doctor were kidnapped by the Prytt?
Mauric: Yes. They're fanatic isolationists who accuse us of being paranoid.
Riker: Why would the Prytt say that about the Kes?
Mauric: Because they're all out to get us!

This doesn't work because the Prytt ARE out to get the Kes. Any paranoia is justified.

Crusher: Over the years, I've learned not to say every stupid thing that pops into my mind.
Picard: You mean that there's still hope for Deanna?

This joke might've worked in Season One, but in Season Seven it's just insulting to Deanna.

Crusher: You were in love with me? Why didn't you ever tell me or my husband?
Picard: It's wrong for two Starfleet officers to be involved with the same shipmate.
Crusher: I guess you're right. Deanna's lucky she's never had that problem.

This one is too much of a stretch. The Riker/Troi/Worf thing, while stupid beyond belief (I refer you to the novel Imzadi II), never included a married couple.

Picard: Should we explore the feelings we've discovered for each other?
Crusher: We'd better not. I'm worried we'll end up like Will and Deanna.
Picard: Call me an optimist if you want, but I still have hopes for those two.
Crusher: Show me a wedding invitation from them and I'll believe you.

"Sure, but you're going to have to wait nine years!"

Memory Alpha

* Last appearance of Picard's black yoke jacket, possibly because he left it in the cave on Kesprytt.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Why didn't Worf stay in the transporter room to confirm Picard and Crusher's safe arrival?
* Phil bashes Picard for discarding his jacket because it has many uses when trying to survive in the wilderness.
* He's also confused as to why they'd stop and build a fire instead of continuing to the border (and using the jacket to keep warm).
* He has a problem with Picard saying that he doesn't have those feelings anymore when obviously he does. I'm willing to chalk this up to covering his back because Beverly hasn't said how SHE feels yet.
* The Tech Manual says that a tricorder can act as a communicator, so why didn't they try to contact the Enterprise. I'm willing to say that the Prytt can scramble communication signals (relying on cables, of course).
* The "nausea radius" of the implants changes several times.

[Nate the Great]

November 15th, 1993, "Force of Nature"

Oh boy, is this going to hurt...

Fiver by Marc

The Episode

DATA: Has Spot been misbehaving?
LAFORGE: So far she's broken a vase, a teapot, she's ruined one of my chairs using it as a scratch post, and she's coughing hairballs up all over my carpet.

Ever since the revelation of transparent aluminum I have to question how anything not explicitly an antique can be breakable in the Trek future. I don't see Geordi having breakable stuff. Furthermore I have to ask why Spot has usable claws if she will NEVER have to hunt anything. As for hairballs, where is she getting the stuff to form those? I thought the ship cleaned itself, including hair!

LAFORGE: She won't come when you call her? Data, have you ever considered training this cat?
DATA: I never found it to be necessary.

Why not? Surely Data encountered the concept when absorbing all of human knowledge on the subject of cat ownership.

DATA: The unusually intense tetryon fields in this sector pose a severe navigational hazard to warp driven vessels. The Hekaras Corridor is the only route through the area which is free of tetryon fields. Ships travelling at warp must use the Corridor to ensure safe passage through the region.
PICARD: How long will it take to complete a level one search?
DATA: At least two days, sir. The Corridor is over twelve light years long, and the surrounding tetryon interference will limit our sensor range.

Why are people using the Corridor for anything other than local travel? Not to be a jerk, but twelve light years is NOTHING in terms of warp travel. The detour would be less than a hundred light years. Frankly the planets here should've been evacuated decades ago so the whole area can be avoided.

TROI: Hekaras Two is inhabited, isn't it? Maybe they've had contact with the Fleming.
RIKER: They haven't. I've already spoken to the Hekaran government.

Ugh. Subspace communications use the same paths as warp travel. And if there was a series of relays set up to allow communications, they would want to load the things up with sensors while they were added.

CRUSHER: The Fleming was carrying a supply of rare biomimetic gel, which is very valuable.

First appearance of biomemetic gel. This raises more questions about how the Federation can be moneyless while surrounded by governments that use money. For that matter, why isn't this stuff being carried by a larger ship?

LAFORGE: You know the Intrepid?
DATA: Yes.

Assuming that this Intrepid is the first of the class, it's extremely coincidental if the variable pylons deal with the damage discovered in this episode. Have I mentioned how much I hate the variable pylons lately?

LAFORGE: This is the flagship. We should be better than everybody else.

I get the sentiment, but it's a bit short-sighted. No one ship can be the best at everything. The flagships are designed to be the best all-around ship, but other classes will always be better at specific things because they were designed at different times and under different circumstances.

Even back in the TOS days the expanded universe was full of ships who had better speed, better weapons, better sensors, etc. than the Enterprise, but never all at the same time.

DATA: I began with simple conditioned response exercises and followed with environmental enhancement. Next I plan to explore bioconditioning devices.
LAFORGE: Devices?
DATA: Such as sensor nets for behaviour modification or biofeedback motivators.

I'm not a fan of wiring sensors and tasers to pets. It really makes Data look lazy. I would respect him more if he sent Spot to the ship's animal trainer.

LAFORGE: I've got an idea. How about a phaser? A low stun setting at just the right moment might do the trick.
DATA: Geordi. I cannot stun my cat.

I fail to see the difference between a low stun and a "biofeedback motivator". Furthermore, you want pets to respect you, not fear you.

DATA: Phase alignment is stabilised. However, sensor efficiency has increased by only an additional one point three percent.
LAFORGE: It's not much, but every little bit going to help.

And the subplot is over. I refer you to the SF Debris review for how stupid this whole thing is.

WORF: It is a Ferengi transport ship, D'Kora class.

And yet they use the standard Ferengi marauder model. I don't think Ferengi would use "transports", either for people or cargo. They'd hire other people for both of these to free up their own ships for more profitable tasks.

DATA: Life support systems are also functioning at low levels. There are approximately four hundred fifty Ferengi on board.

This seems excessive. We know that they don't travel with their civilians, so I woud imagine that Ferengi would automate everything possible to save on costs.

LAFORGE: Captain, Ferengi sensors are still online. I could modify one of our deflector emitters to transmit old style delta waves. If I modulate that with a comm. signal, the Ferengi should be able to pick that up.

You'd think ordinary radio would be adequate for this purpose.

PRAK [on viewscreen]: Do not toy with me, Picard. We are obviously at your mercy, but know this. When the Ferengi Council learns of your actions, they will consider this an act of war.

Ferengi Council? I'd imagine that the Ferengi have something akin to a constitutional monarchy. A Parliment, not a Council.

DATA: Spot. Spot. Spot, down. Spot, down. Down. Spot. (lifting the cat off the desk) Down. This is down. Down is good. This is up. Up is no.
(doorbell)

Data may have infinite patience, but Spot does not. He should call in a professional for this job.

(Spot meows, and Data goes to the replicator)
...
(Spot meows again and Data fetches her a toy)
LAFORGE: I don't know about Spot, but it seems to me your training is coming along just fine.

Hehe.

LAFORGE: I just received this from Commander Kaplan, subspace.
(Data reads from a PADD)
DATA: La Forge, I got the Intrepid's power conversion levels up to ninety seven point one percent. Maybe you should try cleaning your plasma grid once in a while.

Plasma grid? This sounds like something in the nacelles. And that should be someone else's job to maintain. But maybe the maintenance staff is spooked by the remains baked into the wall.

LAFORGE: What do you want?
RABAL: (male) We're trying to make you listen.
SEROVA: (female) You're killing us.

I still think this is one of the most infuriating precommercial break crises in all of Trek, up there with that monster that "ate" Lisa Cusak.

PICARD: If you wanted us to review your research, you should have made a request through the Science Council.
RABAL: Their resources are limited. It would have taken over a year before they dispatched a science ship to come and evaluate our work.

Really? I doubt that the Science Council works via a strict queue system. Surely there's SOME leeway on which order requests are done in.

But let's make it perfectly clear, this is terrorism. Period. Both of these schmucks should be in the brig right now.

RABAL: We dispersed verteron probes in the Corridor merely to disable warp-driven ships. Nothing more.

And what if a "Brothers"-like scenario was happening? A death would be on your heads!

RIKER: The fact remains you deliberately disguised your probes. You made them look like signal markers. You hid them in debris field. You mined the Corridor.

Exactly!

PICARD: Because of the seriousness of your claim, I'm willing to listen to your case. But let there be no mistake. Our priority here is the recovery of the Fleming. Now I expect you to help us restore our engines and deactivate all of the remaining probes in the Corridor. If you do not, you will both be taken to the brig and from there to the nearest Starbase, where you will answer charges for what you have done.

No! You let them help, THEN you throw them in the brig. Cleaning up their own mess shoud never negate their jail time, just decrease it a bit.

SEROVA: Rabal, don't. The probes are the only leverage we have. If we--

So you want to cross from misunderstood terrorism to REAL terrorism. Gotcha. Mr. Worf, you don't need to be picky about putting the key where you can find it...

LAFORGE: What if the Fleming had been transporting perishable supplies or was on an emergency mission? Your little plan might have cost a lot of lives.
SEROVA: That didn't happen, Commander.

Oh no, you don't get to claim the moral high ground here. "I got lucky" is not an adequate defense against committing acts of terror.

SEROVA: There's no point in trying to talk to you. You've already decided not to listen.

Why should he, Serova? You damaged his ship and put lives at risk!

RABAL: But please, try to understand. She believes profoundly in this cause. She has sworn to dedicate her life to exposing the dangers of warp drive.

How does any of that justify terrorism?

LAFORGE: Warp drive has been around for three centuries. It's a proven technology.

Of course it's a proven technology, you two are talking to each other when it would be impossible without warp drive. You should've said "safe technology!"

[Nate the Great]

RABAL: Well I hope so, because once we persuade Starfleet to stop warp travel through the Corridor, we're going to have to convince our own people to give up warp drive completely.
LAFORGE: Hekaras Two is the only inhabited world in this region. Without warp drive, you'd be completely isolated from the rest of the Federation. Are you really willing to take that step?

And they can't evacuate the planet...because? It's stuff like this that makes the power conversion ratio stuff even more pointless and infuriating! It took time away from the actual plot and the actual issues!

PICARD: It's like pacing up and down on the same piece of carpet. Eventually you wear it out.
DATA: That analogy is essentially correct, sir.

So route traffic around the area like I suggested earlier!

SEROVA: That's your response? More research? More delays. I suppose I shouldn't have expected anything different.

Okay, what's your alternative? You want to completely cut off your planet from the rest of the galaxy based solely on your own opinion, without even consulting your own government? WHY are we supposed to like this woman?

DATA: Captain, the Hekaran ship's engines are beginning to overload. I believe Serova's attempting to create a warp core breach.

We've seen over and over again that there are easier ways to create a warp core breach. A phaser will do it.

For that matter, how is overloading the engines supposed to make the core explode? Surely there are built-in failsafes to stop the plasma flow to the engines!

DATA: I suggest we coast into the rift.
RIKER: Coast?
DATA: We can initiate a brief, high intensity warp pulse from our current position. We should be able to attain sufficient velocity to enter the rift, beam the crew off the Fleming and exit without using our warp engines.

Yeah, this is nonsense. The nacelles aren't rockets pushing out plasma, they're literally warping space. No warp, no push, period.

DATA: If we field saturate the nacelles, we should be able to sustain warp speed for approximately two minutes.

More nonsense. My answer would be to change the frequency of the plasma and the warp field enough to "tiptoe" through the rift. Yeah, it'll damage the engines, but at least they'd actually be turned on as opposed to this "coasting" nonsense.

RABAL: I don't think we can look at space travel the same way anymore. We're going to have to change.
LAFORGE: I've been in Starfleet for a long time. We depend on warp drive. I just don't know how easy it's going to be to change.
RABAL: It won't be easy at all.

A key problem with this entire premise is the notion that ANY warp travel ANYWHERE will open a rift, which is nonsense. The carpet was worn down in this area, it is not worn down everywhere.

Which makes the idea that Voyager's variable geometry nacelles negates this effect ridiculous. In the Delta Quadrant there are no "warp highways", there are no worn areas of carpet.

DATA: Captain, warp pulse calculations are complete. We will be firing the engines at maximum intensity for six point three seconds before disengaging.

You'll be firing WHAT at maximum intensity for 6.3 seconds? Are we talking about inflating the warp field like a balloon to many times its usual size and hoping that it doesn't deflate before we get out? Treknology doesn't work like that!

DATA: Hull stress is increasing. Eighty three percent of maximum tolerance and rising.

Increasing from what? The deflating warp field?

RIKER: Data, what if we forced an EPS discharge through the impulse reactor. Would that be enough to get us out of here?

What do the impulse engines have to do with warp travel?

DATA: I do not believe so, sir, and the resulting explosion would likely destroy the saucer section in the process.

You mean the entire ship, right Data?

LAFORGE: If can phase match our deflector shield to the EM variance of the distortion wave, when the next one hits we'll be pulled along with it.

What? First of all, I'm pretty sure the distortion wave is a consequence of subspace physics and has nothing to do with the EM spectrum. Second of all, sailing in space requires large surface area and small mass.

DATA: Captain, I suggest we take the ship to full impulse. If we can attain sufficient speed, it will lessen the shock when the wave hits.

I'm pretty sure the difference between 0c and 0.25c compared to 1c in these circumstances is pretty negligible.

Which raises an interesting question. No doubt 0.25c was chosen as full impulse as a balance between useful speed and minimizing time differentials in communications and scans, etc. But can you overclock the engines to get to 0.5c in emergency situations like this?

PICARD: Ah. We've received new directives from the Federation Council on this matter. Until we can find a way to counteract the warp field effect, the Council feels our best course is to slow the damage as much as possible. Therefore, areas of space found susceptible to warp fields will be restricted to essential travel only, and effective immediately all Federation vessels will be limited to a speed of warp five, except in cases of extreme emergency.

Complete nonsense. If you treat modern highways like they're just as susceptible to wearing damage as brick roads, nobody will be able to get anywhere.

PICARD: Very well. You know, Geordi, I spent the better part of my life exploring space. I've charted new worlds, I've met dozens of new species. And I believe that these were all valuable ends in themselves. Now it seems that all this while, I was helping to damage the thing that I hold most dear.
LAFORGE: It's won't turn out that way, Captain. We still have time to make it better.

The message would carry better if it wasn't so hamfisted and shortsighted.

The Fiver

Picard: Starfleet wants us to find the missing medical ship Fleming.
Data: It was last seen entering a region of space containing a dangerous tetryon field, and in which the Ferengi have recently been observed.
Riker: And Starfleet wonders why they've lost contact with this ship?

Is there a joke here?

La Forge: Sure. The biggest hole is in the top layer of the "O" zone -- can you see the main part for it anywhere?
Data: Yes, I believe this green piece is what we need.

Ugh. A key problem with the ozone layer analogy is that the contaminants in the ozone layer had a natural way to collect into one place that can get damaged more easily. That's not so in this episode, subspace was already weak here.

Riker: Besides, what do the Ferengi know about how mine warfare is waged?
Prak: Are you kidding? As an acquisitive society, we take the word "mine" very seriously!

Ha ha ha.

Rabal: Our research shows that warp drive is damaging the fabric of space near our planet. Its use in this region must be abandoned.
Serova: We've shown our data to the Federation Science Council, but they refuse to listen. They've even rejected our proposal to call this phenomenon "The Omega Effect."
Picard: Did they say why?
Serova: All they told us was that the name was already copyrighted.

Omega Phenomenon. And I don't think "copyright" is the right word to use here.

Picard: Can their theory be verified?
Data: Not without more research. Perhaps they should conduct an experiment in which a warp-driven ship would travel back and forth across this area millions of times.
Serova: That's unacceptable! It would take much too long!
Rabal: And getting a research grant application approved would take even longer!

Now that's a joke. What a shock, I like academia jokes...

Rabal: I'm sure she wants to do something more dramatic -- like handcuff herself to the nearest area of subspace instability.

That's a gag that's sadly fallen out of style. I still remember when Corey got his first kiss when handcuffed to a locker....

Transport Technician: (over the comm) Energizing.
Riker: Well? Is the first group aboard?
Technician: The instruments say yes, but for some reason they're all invisible.

How is this situation like "The Next Phase"?

Picard: In order to prevent further damage to subspace, the Federation Council has restricted all starships to a maximum of Warp Five from now on.
Riker: But at that rate we'll never get anywhere!
Picard: Actually, we should be grateful. The Vulcan High Command wanted to impose an even lower speed limit on us.
Riker: Boy, those guys never let up, do they?

Odd place for an Enterprise joke.

Memory Alpha

* First episode where Spot is unambiguously female, as a setup for "Genesis".

Nitpicker's Guide

* Phil talks a bit about the inconsistencies as to whether or not raising shields automatically triggers red alert (a reasonable shortcut, if you ask me).
* If the Enterprise is surrounding by a degrading warp field, how they can transport people from the stationary Fleming?

[Nate the Great]

November 22nd, 1993, "Inheritance"

Fiver by Wade

The Episode

JULIANA: Captain, our situation has worsened since my husband and I first contacted you. The molten core of our planet is not just cooling, it's begun to solidify.

One thing that bugs me is that this doesn't seem like a natural disaster that "just happens". Couldn't this be a side effect of overmining like Praxis?

PRAN: Our gravitational field has been affected. Seismic activity has increased by a factor of three.

I can buy increased seismic activity, but not gravitational effects. That's just dumb. Magma doesn't change density just because the temperature changes.

JULIANA: If the cooling continues at this rate Atrea will become uninhabitable in thirteen months.

I also don't buy that this is happening this fast. This whole scenario seems like a Q prank. I especially refer you to the Q Continuum novels where the reason the Iconians could move stars is because they HAD to. Their sun was artificially aged, so the entire civilization dedicated centuries to setting up transporter cages around their own sun and a donor sun to be beamed in as the old sun was beamed out.

LAFORGE: Data, do you think that's close enough for ferro-plasmic infusion?
DATA: The procedure will involve using the ship's phasers to drill down through the planet's surface into the pockets, where we would set up a series of plasma infusion units.

That's not the question Geordi asked, Data! I also don't buy ship's phasers being this precise. Just travelling through the atmosphere would diffuse the beams enough to prevent this kind of focus!

LAFORGE: We'll trigger the units by firing modulated energy bursts down through the shafts.

Modulated energy bursts...i.e. more phaser blasts. Some technobabble is just unforgivable.

JULIANA: I see. Injecting sufficient plasma directly into the core should trigger a chain reaction, and that will reliquify the magma.

A chain reaction of what? The radioactive isotopes in the magma?

DATA: You were a colleague of Doctor Soong?
JULIANA: Yes, I certainly was. And I was also his wife.

With all of the messages that Soong programmed into him you'd think he'd have spared one for Juliana.

DATA: Doctor, I have no memory of you.
JULIANA: Oh, there's a reason for that. We wiped your processors after we finished refining your programming.

Why?

DATA: Yes. All of the inhabitants of the colony were killed. However, I discovered that my memory banks contained the contents of their journals and logs.
JULIANA: We hoped their experiences would be useful.

I'm confused at that one. I prefer the interpretation that the Crystalline Entity was going to wipe all of the conventional computer systems and Data was a convenient place to archive them.

JULIANA: You had trouble learning your motor skills, learning how to process sensory information.

I'm surprised at this one, you'd think motor skills could be programmed in. After all, Data wasn't the first Soong-type android. Why aren't they talking about Lore and the other prototypes?

DATA: I encountered him once in the Terlina system.
JULIANA: That's where we went to after we left the outpost. I had no idea that you'd even met him.
DATA: It was shortly before his death.
JULIANA: He's dead?

I get it, the Internet didn't really exist yet when this episode aired, but even so, I would imagine that Data would've reported on his death back in "Brothers" and it would've made the local newspapers. Wouldn't Juliana also be subscribed to the science magazines that would mention it?

JULIANA: There we were, stuck on this planet in the middle of the jungle with no one else to talk to. No life. It just wasn't enough. That's why I left.

Did they officially divorce? Wouldn't there be a record of that?

LAFORGE: You know, Data, it almost seems to me like you're trying to prove that Doctor Tainer wasn't telling the truth.
...
LAFORGE: When you think about it, why would she want to lie? Why would anybody want to pretend to be your mother?
DATA: I can think of no motive for such a pretense.

Exactly. Data's autonomy has been established for years, he's not going to allow anyone to profit off of him.

JULIANA: Noonian walked in with your head in his hand and, innocent as you please, said it was up to me. He knew perfectly well what he was doing. Once again he had made it in his own image. What could I possibly say? (reads door name plate) Deanna Troi, is that who you're going to visit?
DATA: Yes.
JULIANA: Your father would be so pleased.
DATA: Pleased?
JULIANA: He was worried that the sexuality programme he designed for you wouldn't work.

Wouldn't she have read the transcript of his autonomy hearing, including the Tasha reference?

LAFORGE: Data, I reconfigured the phasers to create the most highly focused particle beam possible.

I don't like the implication that they have to modify the phaser to emit a particle beam. It didn't seem this complicated back in "Galaxy's Child".

PRAN: Someone's checked his calculations, of course.
RIKER: No, but I'm sure Mister Data knows what he's doing.
PRAN: Even so, he is a machine. Someone should check up on him.

Ugh. This is not the place to imply that Data is "lesser", we already have enough to talk about without throwing a bigot into the mix.

JULIANA: I'll have to practice. You don't have a viola?
DATA: I could replicate one for you. Computer, please replicate one viola.

It occurs to me that wooden instruments would be one thing that it might be hard to replicate perfectly. There are even more variables to consider than a lot of foods. I dabbled with the piano myself as a child, and I find the idea of trusting a computer to tune one somehow...heretical.

[Nate the Great]

DATA: That is Lal, my daughter.
JULIANA: Your daughter?

No really, why doesn't Juliana know all this stuff already? Data would have an enormous entry at Memory Alpha by now.

DATA: The acoustics in Ten Forward are most favourable.

I doubt that. The very shape of the room is ludicrous in terms of achieving proper acoustics.

JULIANA: Do you think you'll ever try to create an android again?
DATA: Perhaps. I created Lal because I wished to procreate. Despite what happened to her, I still have that wish.
JULIANA: How do you know the same thing won't happen? Creating a stable positronic matrix is very tricky.

I think Data understands that very well, Juliana, you don't need to lay on the guilt! Then again, after the exocomps you'd think he'd have more experimental data to work with. For that matter, he'd know about the EMH project by now and would be using the information from that project as well.

I refer you to the novel Immortal Coil where Flint creates an android based both on Soong tech and Zimmerman tech to try having an immortal mate again. But she falls in love with Data instead.

DATA: I was not aware he created other androids before my brother.
JULIANA: There were three of them. They were like children to us. Losing them was very painful.

I'm having trouble with this idea. B-4 wasn't exactly fully sentient, I shudder to think what the other two were like.

JULIANA: I didn't want to bring you with us. I was afraid if we reactivated you, you'd turn out like Lore. I made Noonian leave you behind.

I'm confused about this one, but that's another screed.

JULIANA: I just don't want you to misunderstand my answer. No, I wouldn't have left you behind if you'd been my biological child.
DATA: Is that because you place more value on biological life than on artificial life?
JULIANA: Absolutely not. I cherished every android your father and I created as if it were my child. Even Lore.

Which raises the question of where Altan Soong came from and where he went. It was made clear that he's not Juliana's son.

RIKER: Why does the scanner read her as a human?
CRUSHER: Because she has a feedback processor designed to send out a false bio-signal.

I'm still dubious about this one. Maybe Soong could upgrade the thing to keep up with advances in tricorder technology, but odds are he didn't get the chance to do so after the Enterprise launched.

SOONG: She was injured when the Crystalline Entity attacked. We made it as far as Terlina Three but, she slipped into a coma. When I realised nothing could be done for her, I built an android. I tried to perfect my synaptic scanning technique so that I could transfer Juliana's memories into a positronic matrix. I didn't know if it would work, but I had to try.

That was Graves' specialty, not Soong's. Another problem is that there was no chance that Soong was able to take all of the necessary equipment from his lab during the evacuation. Are we to believe that he was able to build it IN A CAVE! WITH A BOX OF SCRAPS!

DATA: What happened?
SOONG: I made a terrible mistake. I never really let her know how much I loved her. So she left me.

Sheesh, talk about hackneyed soap opera dialogue.

PICARD: Data, there might come some time in the future when she would find out anyway. Another accident, perhaps. Maybe it would be easier for her if she learned the truth from you.
CRUSHER: I can tell you that if I were in her place, I would rather be told by my son than by some stranger.

A good point. I'm glad that they're able to consider the possible ramifications without fear and still trust Data to make the right decision.

DATA: I find I am having difficulty separating what would be best for her from what would be best for me.
TROI: What do you mean?
DATA: If she knew she were an android, we would have something to share. I would no longer be alone in the universe.
TROI: I know how much that means to you, Data.

And this is why Data is such a great character. He can be a bit selfish, but he still wants to do the right thing.

JULIANA: On Atrea there is a saying, that a child born from parents who love each other will have nothing but goodness in his heart. I guess that explains you.

But didn't this same set of parents create Lore?

The Fiver

Captain's Log: We are in orbit of Penthara IV, where... I'm sorry; my heart just isn't in this anymore. Nobody even reads these things. Will! Get over here and finish the log.
First Officer's Log: So there me and Deanna were, all alone --
Captain's Log: --When I threatened to demote Commander Riker to Ensign if he ever tried to turn my logs into dime store dirty novels.
First Officer's Log: Aww.

"You know how much money you can make writing dime novels?" "What?" "A whole lotta dimes." I still miss Legend, it deserved better than what it got. The only good part of it ending is that it freed up Anderson for Stargate SG-1.

Juliana: We put on a pretty good concert, you and I.
Data: Mother, I have noticed that your playing of that piece was flawless. How do you maintain such a level of perfection?
Juliana: I don't, dear. It's a recording.
Data: Ah! Do you carry many different tunes with you?
Juliana: No, only eight tracks at a time.

Eight tracks were before my time, but I thought that their audio fidelity wasn't really that great. That's why LPs lasted for so long.

Data: It appears we've angered the volcano gods. The planet is destabilizing. Starfleet protocol says to sacrifice a virgin to appease their demands.
La Forge: Oh no you don't! Geordi awwway! (runs down passageway)
Data: Okay, Plan B. Invincible man and random visitor.

I want to believe that this is a Joe vs the Volcano reference, but I doubt it.

Soong: You're probably inquiring about the warranty on Juliana. It's expired. So is she. Crystalline Entity, snowflakes, coma. Couldn't stand her dead, so Juliana is the first android to have a consciousness downloaded to it. Gettin' all this?
Data: Actually, there was this one time we, I mean I....
Soong: Quiet Schizoid.

Always nice to see a reference to Ira Graves.

Memory Alpha

* Flanagan's role in "Dax" was before this. The past is the future, the future is the past, the whole thing gives me a headache...

Nitpicker's Guide
* Both Troi and Geordi should've detected that Juliana wasn't human, but they didn't. Oops.
* Soong must've chased Juliana down, deactivated her, put in the chip, and then left. How awkward.
* Phil points out that Soong programmed Juliana to shut down if she learned the truth, saying that this means that Data's quandary is pointless. I would argue that once Data knows about this programming he could deactivate it.
* He wonders how Soong could create such a perfect human facade after Data and Lore. I would argue that with Data and Lore the colonists forced him to make the androids easily identifiable.
* Geordi casually says that Data has an aging program when it was previously established that he's functionally immortal. I get that this is a handwave to explain that Spiner's getting older, but frankly I don't like it. And he never should've appeared in Picard, by the way.

[Nate the Great]

November 29th, 1993, "Parallels"

Fiver by Kira

Oh goody, another "person thought to be insane" episode!

To preface this, I'd like to tell another story about the novel Q-Squared. The actions focus on three timelines: the normal one between this episode and "All Good Things", a variant of the alternate one from "Yesterday's Enterprise", and the alternate first-season one where Jack Crusher is captain, Picard is first officer (and having an affair with Beverly), and Riker was a prisoner of the Romulans for ages (and had a baby with Deanna following the events of "Imzadi"). Due to Q/Trelane shenanigans people from these three timelines are crossing into others and going berserk. He manages to keep his cool and work with people from the different timelines, being more used to reality hopping. It especially comes in handy when dealing with the Tasha Yars (one of whom has been fighting a war against Klingons for years, remember).

The Episode

WORF: Personal log, stardate 47391.2. I am returning from the Bat'leth competition on Forcas Three.

Forcas III will return as the source of the drink in Generations that Data hates but still wants more of.

RIKER: It looks like we're going to have to head into to the Argus Array. This is the third time this year it's stopped relaying data. Starfleet's beginning to think it's more than a simple malfunction. I want you to start a long range scan once we get--

Wouldn't this be Data's job?

RIKER: What's the matter with you?
WORF: Because it is my birthday I assumed that you or one of the others would try to mount an unexpected social gathering.
RIKER: A surprise party? Mister Worf, I hate surprise parties. I would never do that to you.
...
RIKER: I love surprise parties.

While this is a great gag, it seems rather late in the series for Riker to pull a prank like this.

WORF: That was not a Klingon song.
TROI: It wasn't easy to translate. There doesn't seem to be a Klingon word for jolly.

I find this absolutely ridiculous. Klingons are capable of belly laughs that would curl your hair. They know how to party hard. There is much speculation on the internet about this issue. The word for humorous is tlhaQ, joke (noun or verb) is qID, laugh is Hagh, happy is Quch (used in the official translation of "I am not a merry man"), silly is Dogh, etc.

WORF: It is a cast of Alexander's forehead. The ridges of a warrior.

I get the sentiment, even though it seems weird. I suppose the closest that I ever got in my childhood was finger paint palmprints.

PICARD: So, how old are you, Mister Worf?

He's thirty years old. This does seem odd to me given the timeline. It doesn't seem like he was a fresh Academy graduate at Farpoint. His first known posting in canon is the Enterprise, but there's a cut scene from a DS9 episode stating that he was an ensign on the USS Hawk. In the New Frontier novels it's revealed that his only prior ship was the USS Aldrin (where he served at conn).

WORF: One time when I thought I was going to die, I asked you to watch over Alexander. I was wondering if you might consider formalising that arrangement. I want you to be Alexander's Soh-chIm.
TROI: His Soh-chIm?
WORF: You would become his surrogate mother. In case anything ever happened to me, you would be responsible for him.

Do Russians not have a concept of godparents?

TROI: I don't know what to say. It's a great honour. So, that would make me your?
WORF: The closest analogy is step-sister.
TROI: That would make my mother your step-mother.
WORF: I had not considered that. It is a risk I am willing to take.

There doesn't seem to be a term for the relationship between parent and godparent. I guess "family friend" is all we need?

The relationship between Worf and Lwaxana has already been covered. At least Worf knows that Lwaxana likes Alexander and would treat him well.

DATA: We have analysed the imaging logs. It appears the Array was reprogrammed to observe several Federation sites.

They seem to be implying that the Array can only broadcast to one location at a time, which is ridiculous.

LAFORGE: We're only three light years from Cardassian space. They would have easy access to the Array.

Why would you build an array that close to Cardassian space?

NADOR [on viewscreen]: If you don't mind my asking, what exactly is this telescope of yours designed to do?
PICARD: It's a long range subspace Array. We use it for gathering data on astronomical phenomena.
NADOR [on viewscreen]: I'm certain it would never be used to observe a neighbouring species.
PICARD: Certainly not.

And that's why you don't build an array that close to Cardassian space. I'm frankly insulted by the idea that the array was built fast enough that the Cardassians didn't notice until now. I'm also insulted by the idea that the Federation didn't feel the need to consult with the Cardassians before building this thing in the first place. For that matter, why wouldn't the Federation offer to freely give the Cardassians a copy of all data anyway, as a show of good faith.

Frankly this whole scenario is ridiculous. It was made clear in "Emissary" that the ceasefire is tenuous and there are parties on both sides ready to reignite things over something much less important than a sensor array.

WORF [on monitor]: Personal log, stardate 47391.2. There has been a malfunction in the ship's main deflector. It will require two more days of repairs. As a result, I will not be able to compete in the Bat'leth tournament on Forcas Three.

And what does Worf know about repairing deflectors? I'll buy that he can jerry-rig the weapons to fire when heavily damaged, but the shields should be beyond his abilities. And frankly even if he was qualified, this doesn't seem "cancel my vacation"-worthy.

WORF: I do not remember us, you and I, being mates.

I'll forgive his use of "mate" back in "The Emissary", but not here. He's developed too far to not have a better grasp of English. Or is he speaking translated Russian?

(Which raises further questions about whether Starfleet officers are forced to learn English at the Academy, and whether he spoke Russian or Engish with the Roshenkos at home)

WORF: And when did this relationship begin?
DATA: It is my understanding your romantic affiliation began shortly after you recovered from your spinal injury on stardate 45587. It was six months later that you asked Commander Riker for his formal permission to court Counsellor Troi.

I'm dubious on this one. I'll buy that a human would be emotionally vulnerable after a serious injury, but not a Klingon. A Klingon would be training hard to regain his ability to fight. Furthermore, I don't think that Deanna would be willing to wait six months for Worf to feel good about dating her. For that matter tensions between Will and Worf would come to a head FAR before six months. Remember that Tom was with Deanna for a few DAYS before Will was upset.

WORF: And then we mated?
DATA: I am not privy to the exact details of when, where or how your first coupling took place. I could investigate it
WORF: No, that is all right.

And then we come to the elephant in the room. It's well established that Worf is a very...vigorous...lover. Earth females are too fragile and so forth. I don't see him as the kind of guy who would choose to keep himself in check that much. Would he really find that enjoyable?

DATA: Doctor, is Geordi well enough to answer some questions?
OGAWA: (the Doctor) Geordi's dead.

And here's a big misstep. Killing off a main cast member (even an alternate version of one) without attaching any weight to it is just callous.

[Nate the Great]

DATA: I have found the quantum flux in Worf's cellular RNA extends to the subatomic level. It is asynchronous with normal matter. In essence, Captain, Mister Worf does not belong in our universe.
RIKER: What?
DATA: All matter in the universe resonates on a quantum level with a unique signature. That signature is constant. It cannot be changed through any known process. It is the basic foundation of existence.

I like it that they can explain this so easily. And thank goodness we don't have to worry about Worf being thought to be insane anymore.

WORF: If I may inquire, sir, how long have you been Captain of the Enterprise?
RIKER: Four years. Ever since Captain Picard was killed in the incident with the Borg.

Which raises the question of why Shelby isn't First Officer. And for that matter, how The Best of Both Worlds ended in victory. Was his assimilation in that universe just a little more involved and irreversable?

HELM: (a Cardassian) Aye, sir.

The idea that there's a universe where the Bajorans and the Cardassians held the opposite positions raises a LOT of further questions. Did the Bajorans occupy the Cardassian Empire (very unlikely)? Did the Prophets convert the Cardassians to peace when the Bajorans turned away from them?

CRUSHER: And Geordi's visor somehow triggered that effect?
DATA: Exactly. The visor uses a subspace field pulse. I believe that whenever Geordi came near Worf, the field pulse intensified the quantum flux and pushed Worf into another reality.

Which introduces more questions such as why the visor needs a subspace effect and how often the thing cycles enough to trigger a jump.

TROI: What about our children?
WORF: Children?
TROI: You didn't know?

I feel that this bit was unnecessary. If they're on board why wouldn't they have appeared by now, and if they're not why would Deanna bring this up? I suppose the implication is that since the visor is offline Worf won't be making anymore jumps, so Deanna thinks that this Worf is here to stay.

WORF: When the last shift occurred in Sickbay, we did not have any children.
TROI: We have a little girl, Shannara, she's two years old, and a three year old boy, Eric Christopher.

So they got pregnant almost immediately? Does this even allow for the six month trial period before he talked with Will?

WORF: What about Alexander?
TROI: Alexander?
WORF: He was my son in another reality.

I suppose you could argue that in this reality the T'Ong was destroyed somewhere making the events of "The Emissary" not happen.

WORF: Sir, the Bajorans?
TROI: Ever since the Bajorans overpowered the Cardassian Empire, they've become more and more aggressive.

And we have more questions. It's been made clear that most Bajorans don't care about what happens outside their system. Remember that before the wormhole nobody cared about them except the Cardassians. With aggressive Bajorans and no Sisko one can presume that the wormhole hasn't been discovered in this reality. So where are the Bajorans getting resources for their ships?

DATA: The barriers between quantum realties are breaking down. Other realties are emerging into our own.
('and thick and fast they came at last, and more, and more, and more')

Chakoteya is quoting from "The Walrus and the Carpenter". One presumes that he's just showing off like I do from time to time.

DATA: The rate of quantum incursions is increasing exponentially. At this rate, the sector will be completely filled with Enterprises within three days.

Putting aside how an anomaly that's randomly spitting out Enterprises isn't making any of them overlap and go boom, what counts as "completely filled"? Bare hull against bare hull, or treating the shield bubbles as gumballs in a machine?

(a bad signal and a Riker with a full ragged beard)
RIKER [on viewscreen]: We won't go back. You don't know what it's like in our universe. The Federation's gone, the Borg is everywhere! We're one of the last ships left. Please, you've got to help us!
RIKER: I'm sorry, there's no choice. If this works, everything will return to
RIKER [on viewscreen]: No, we won't go back!

A big problem with this premise is how the Enterprise can survive without support for four years. And why the Borg haven't destroyed them, for that matter.

WORF: Deanna. You do not have to leave.
TROI: Oh?
WORF: I have not had dinner. Would you care to join me?
TROI: I'd love to.
WORF: Champagne.

Like I've already said, I never liked the Worf/Troi romance. It never made sense. They want different things. Furthermore, she's already established herself as a necessary component of Alexander's life. If things go south (which they will in the novel Imzadi II) and she leaves, Alexander will suffer.

(Oh, and Worf should've asked for two champagnes, too).

The Fiver

Worf: (swaying) I feel dizzy. Wait a minute -- Geordi, weren't you and and Data just on opposite sides of this console?
La Forge: We're playing "musical stations."
Worf: But where is Captain Picard?
Data: He failed to find a station when the music stopped.

Ha ha.

Crusher: "This trophy is hereby awarded to Worf for his shameful loss, terrible bat'telh skills, and really bad goatee. Ha ha, Worf."
Worf: That's a lie! My goatee looks great!

Over at TV Tropes we call this "Comically missing the point."

Memory Alpha

* Tasha was going to appear, but they didn't want to step of "Yesterday's Enterprise"'s toes. Frankly I would've kept her and ditched the whole Worf/Troi thing.
* This was still in the "you have to pay to use Happy Birthday" era, so they had to substitute For He's a Jolly Good Fellow. I understand, but I still hate that "no word for jolly" joke.
* Only appearance of a Cardassian in a Starfleet uniform until Discovery.
* Frakes also hated the Worf/Troi relationship.
* Roberto Orci cited this episode as an excuse for the Prime and Kelvinverse universes existing simultaneously. I feel that this isn't needed, we've seen enough "small change makes new timeline" alternate realities going all the way back to TOS.

Nitpicker's Guide

* How come Worf's the only thing on the shuttle to bounce around between realities? His uniform and trophy were there, too.
* Phil also brings up Troi's fragility, and specifically wonders if she'd allow Worf to dig his fingernails into her palm as part of the mating ritual.
* Despite being on the Cardassian border, the Argus Array can somehow take pictures of Utopia Planitia, which is around Mars!
* Phil thinks that the exposion of the Borg-rattled Enterprise should've damaged some of the ships around it.
* When Worf unwraps the painting he's holding it with a certain edge up. Then Deanna takes it and flips it over, indicating that she thinks it looks better that way. But then when we see it on the wall it's in the original orientation. Oops.

[Nate the Great]

January 10th, 1994, "The Pegasus"

I will not be doing a comparison to "These Are The Voyages". That'll wait until the Enterprise retrospective in 2035.

Fiver by Marc

The Episode

(it's Captain Picard Day - children's arts and crafts - and the judging is taking place)

Always a good bit. Now it's traditionally celebrated on June 16th.

RIKER: (imitating Picard and using a doll) I don't know. I think the resemblance is rather striking. Wouldn't you agree, Number One?

Hehe.

WORF [OC]: Worf to Captain. Incoming transmission from Admiral Blackwell. It is coded Priority One.
PICARD: Put it through, Mister Worf.

To the conference room? He could be in the ready room in under thirty seconds! Yeah, I know it's so Blackwell can see the Captain Picard Day banner, but you don't get to throw logic out the window for the sake of a gag in Star Trek (unless it's animated, I suppose...)

BLACKWELL [on monitor]: The Enterprise is to rendezvous with the starship Crazy Horse in sector one six zero seven immediately.

As a midwest native I'm well aware of the controversies surrounding the Crazy Horse memorial. It's been under construction for over seventy years and won't be finished for several decades still. I did research into his life to determine if he would appreciate a starship being named after him, but didn't find anything conclusive. I suspect not.

BLACKWELL [on monitor]: You're authorised to exceed warp speed limitations for the duration of this assignment.

And here we go. Three episodes later and we're already breaking our own rules. The worst part is that this is a bad idea. Surely the Romulans would be able to scan the Enterprise, see that it's going past Warp 5, and conclude that this is important. If the Enterprise looked like it was doing a casual survey it would trick the Romulans, at least for a time.

PICARD: Yes. Oh, you'll be interested to know that I've arranged for a Commander Riker Day next month. I'm even considering making an entry myself.

I wonder what kind of art Captain Picard would do. Even before the Kataan experienced he seemed more like a music guy than a physical art guy.

PRESSMAN: Will. I'll bet you never thought you'd see me again.
(everyone say hi! to Terry O'Quinn, eventually to be John Locke on Lost)

I knew I saw this guy somewhere else (never watched Lost), and I was right. I know him better as Howard Hughes in The Rocketeer! I really should get around to watching The Aviator one of these days...

PRESSMAN: As you know, the starship Pegasus...

You'd think by now the words "as you know" would be banned from all scripts. All it would take is a "For those of you who don't know..." I'll buy that Picard would remember the Pegasus incident, and maybe Troi has taken it upon herself to know about Will's career, but nobody else has a reason to know about this. And incidentally, this stuff should've been in the mission packet and already read by everyone before Pressman even arrived.

WORF: Sir, Romulan warbird decloaking directly ahead.
WORF: They are powering weapons.

I had a whole screed planned about which side had the right to power weapons first, but it turns out that we don't know who the Devolin system belongs to. Ugh. This should've been established in the briefing. If we're in Federation space the Romulans shouldn't be here while cloaked, that's an act of war. If we're in Romulan space the Enterprise should've asked for permission to do this "scientific research."

Even so, I hate it when Romulans or anyone else jumps to "power weapons" right away without even attempting to talk first.

PRESSMAN: How long have you had that beard?
RIKER: About four years. I got tired of hearing how young I looked.

Actually Will got the beard somewhere between the first and second seasons, around stardate 42000. The current stardate is around 47500, that's five and a half years, not four. And putting aside why Frakes grew the beard, he really did have a babyface in the first season. I still don't get why he shaved it off in Insurrection, he looked horrible (even if it did give us that great "smoother than an android's bottom" scene).

PICARD: As a matter of fact, I never met Will until he reported on board at Farpoint Station.
PRESSMAN: You chose your first officer without ever meeting him?

Yeah, that seems a bit stupid. By all means, let his record help narrow the field of candidates, but there should still be a formal interview.

PICARD: There was an incident on Altair Three when Will was First Officer of the Hood. He refused to let Captain DeSoto beam down during a crisis. He disobeyed a direct order and he risked a general court martial because he thought he was right. When I read that, I knew that I had found my Number One.
PRESSMAN: You wanted someone with a history of disobedience?
PICARD: I wanted someone who would stand up to me. Someone who was more concerned with the safety of the ship and accomplishing the mission than with how something looked on his record. To me, that's one of the marks of a good officer.
PRESSMAN: Frankly, I've always felt it was more important for an officer to trust his captain's judgment. In a crisis, there's no time for explanations. Orders have to be obeyed without question or lives may be lost.

I don't like Pressman's idea of "I'm Captain, therefore I'm right, everyone else exists only to serve me." Once again I want to bring up Surak's "I'm pleased to see that we have differences" and the IDIC. Pressman is being short-sighted here. Not every disagreement with a captain's orders happens during a crisis, he's using too broad a brush.

RIKER: I can't believe how stupid I was.
CRUSHER: You both must have got a little carried away, that's all.
RIKER: No, it was my fault. I got distracted at a crucial moment.
CRUSHER: It can happen to anyone.
RIKER: I knew what I was supposed to do and I didn't do it. If those had real bat'leths I might be dead right now.

I get that Will is distracted, but this moral is far too hamfisted. Furthermore, what's the point of telling it to Crusher instead of Picard?

LAFORGE: Commander, I think we might have just struck paydirt. There's a subspace resonance signature coming from that asteroid. From the frequency variances, it looks like the pattern from a Federation warp core.

You shouldn't have to be on top of a location to detect a subspace resonance signature. The writers haven't even handwaved some sensor-blocking mineral in the asteroid that would slow things down.

RIKER: I recommend we destroy the asteroid. It would take most of our photon torpedoes, but it would preclude any possibility of the Pegasus falling into Romulan hands.
PRESSMAN: Our top priority is to salvage the ship, Commander. I'll consider destroying it only as a last resort.
RIKER: Yes, sir.

And now's when we run into a big problem. I refuse to believe that Starfleet Intelligence (or Section 31, which fanon has put Pressman) wouldn't keep records on how to build a phase cloak. The idea that this device is the only way that the Federation will have cloaks is ridiculous. Pressman is deluded, the top priority is stopping the Romulans from finding out that Starfleet was doing cloaking research.

PRESSMAN: What the hell is the matter with you? Destroy the Pegasus before we've even taken a look at it?
RIKER: I thought it was more important that the Romulans
PRESSMAN: Well, you were wrong! We have a chance here to change the balance of power in this quadrant, but we can't very well do that if we destroy the Pegasus, now can we?

So it's official. No plans, no backup, just this one device that we'll have to recreate the tech from. How asinine.

Change the balance of power? I thought Starfleet was doing a pretty good job of that! Furthermore, right now we're still having trouble with the Cardassians, why ignite a war with the Romulans?

RIKER: I was seven months out of the Academy, my head still ringing with words like duty and honour.

I'll grant duty, but "honor" gives me more trouble. The idea that "honor" is derived from duty alone is patently ridiculous. Worf proved that over and over again!

PICARD: Agreed. What about a shuttle? We could send it down through one of these fissures.
DATA: I would recommend against it, sir. There may be gravimetric or magnetic fluctuations inside the asteroid which would overpower the engines of a shuttlecraft.

Gravimetric fluctuations? The amount and location of rock seems pretty constant to me. Couldn't they have thrown in some technobabble mineral that would confuse the sensors of a shuttle, but not the Enterprise?

PICARD: Admiral, if is passage narrows to less than five hundred metres, I will abort the mission.

Ugh. The ship itself is 467 meters wide! I'd want the walls of this chasm to be much farther away than 20 meters! And I'm sure that the width of the shield bubble is much more than 500 meters!

RIKER: It looks if half the ship materialised inside solid rock.
DATA: Yes, sir. I do not understand how this could have happened.
PRESSMAN: Let's keep the speculation to a minimum. We have to begin the salvage operation.

How does Pressman still think that he can go over there, retrieve the phase cloak, and return to Starfleet Intelligence (cough-Section 31-cough) without the Enterprise crew or the Romulans finding out?

[Nate the Great]

DATA: The starboard bulkhead of main Engineering is contained within the rock face, but most of its compartment is still intact.
WORF: There is a hull breach in that section.
PICARD: If we begin a power transfer, can we restore life support systems to that compartment?
DATA: I believe so, sir. The breach can be temporarily sealed by extending our shields.

I'm dubious of this one. You're going to use the shields to create a bubble that you can fill with air, then...what? How is there a power network intact enough to power the heaters, the lights, the gravity, etc.? They should've just skipped straight to the spacesuits.

RIKER: It means that I can't put this off any longer. Right up until this moment I had the luxury of time, but now I've got to make a choice. And, Admiral, I'm afraid my choice is this. I can't let you start these experiments again. It was wrong twelve years ag
And he's going to stop Pressman...how? Shooting the cloak? o, and it is wrong today.
Shooting Pressman? Furthermore, this isn't just about Pressman, it's about Starfleet Intelligence (cough-Section 31-cough). Someone else will come for it whether Riker is in a brig or not.

PRESSMAN: So on reflection you'd rather be a traitor than a hero.
RIKER: I wasn't a hero and neither were you.

So Pressman thinks that giving Starfleet cloaking devices will make him a hero. How? It would start a war with the Romulans that the Federation can't afford right now, much less in a matter of months when the Dominion enters the scene. Think about it, if the Federation, Klingons, and Romulans started a war now the Cardassians would quickly join to reclaim Bajor and the Federation wouldn't have the resources to stop them. The Dominion would know what's going on and quietly wait until the Alpha Quadrant powers have destroyed themselves so they can swoop in and conquer the pieces.

RIKER: They were brave enough to risk their lives to stop you from violating a treaty the Federation signed in good faith.
PRESSMAN: That treaty has bound our hands and given the Romulans a tactical advantage for the last sixty years. I was simply trying to level the playing field.

And now we reach the big question: why did the Federation agree to not use cloaks? Had the Romulans defeated us so badly that we were willing to do ANYTHING to stop the fighting? And after this happened, after we gave the Romulans a huge advantage, they decide to go into isolation for decades? To build a fleet of ships bigger than even the Galaxy class currently being designed?

The real headscratcher is why the Romulans didn't invade after the Borg invasion. Starfleet was in no position to oppose them, especially after the ceasefire with the Cardassians.

WORF: Captain, I believe we could use the phasers to cut our way out.
DATA: The asteroid's internal structure is highly unstable. Any attempt to cut through the rock could cause the entire chasm to collapse.

I find this overly simplistic. Surely you guys can replicate some concrete or foam to stabilize the walls as you cut. It would take a long time, but it'd be doable.

PRESSMAN: And that treaty is the biggest mistake we ever made. It's kept us from exploiting a vital area of defence.
PICARD: That treaty has kept us in peace for sixty years, and as a Starfleet officer, you're supposed to uphold it.

Peace? The Romulans orchestrated the Klingon Civil War, and the Federation knows it! There should've been renegotiations years ago!

RIKER: It's more than just a cloak. It changes the structure of matter. In theory, a ship using this device could pass through normal matter.

It's been said before, and I'll say it again: why do we need the cloaking function on top of the phasing function? A phased ship would be impervious to weapons fire, wouldn't it? Otherwise what's the point of the phasing?

PICARD: Except it's illegal. It's in violation of an agreement that the Federation signed in good faith.

And the Romulans didn't sign it in good faith. It's situations like this that make Section 31 seem more and more necessary. "Evil will always triumph because good is dumb" and all that.

LAFORGE: Commander, we've routed the impulse engines through the plasma conduits, but you'll have to watch the intercooler levels. If they get too high, we'll blow the entire relay system.

Why are we sending impulse plasma (ionized gas) through the warp plasma conduits? Why is that even an option?

While it seems reasonable to suppose that an ordinary cloak is a sister technology to the shields, a phase cloak would probably be a sister technology to the warp field. No need for impulse engine interaction at all.

RIKER: I think that's what happened twelve years ago. The cloak blew out the plasma relays on the Pegasus after we left the ship. The plasma ignited in space, and it looked as if the ship had been destroyed.

Nonsense. Even if we presume that every bit of matter of the ship was converted to energy (dubious, but IF), it would still have an energy signature that'd be different from ignited plasma.

[Nate the Great]

The Fiver

Picard: To what do we owe your gladsome presence?
Sirol: We're doing perfectly innocent research on gaseous anomalies.
Picard: Is that anything like hot air?
Sirol: Yes, and we're detecting lots of it.

Ha ha. "You're reaching a 9.9 on the Kirk scale!"

Pressman: Our orders are to secretly break the law for the good of the Federation
Riker: What? Are you working for some covert branch of Starfleet Intelligence?
Pressman: Shhh! No one's supposed to know that it exists yet!

Actually I think Section 31 would be a completely different organization that pretends to be a covert branch of Starfleet Intelligence. It's not like they're held accountable to any public organization.

Picard: Why did you defend Pressman when the Pegasus senior officers mutinied against him?
Riker: If you'd seen so many promotion vacancies open up, what would you have done?

I don't know if I find this one morbid or funny.

Riker: The secret cloaking device is intact, sir.
Pressman: Yippee! Now we can resume our illegal experiments and kill more people!
Riker: How many people does it take, Admiral, before it becomes wrong?
Pressman: Don't you start planning an insurrection against me, mister!

The Insurrection reference seems like a bit of a stretch to me.

Riker: This one-of-a-kind phasing cloak allows ships to travel through solid matter!
La Forge: It sounds just like the one we caught the Romulans testing two years ago.
Riker: No, theirs was called an "interphase generator."
La Forge: Oh. I forgot that.

And somehow the interphase generator could attach a phase cloak aura to an object without the need for further intervention. That still doesn't make sense...

Memory Alpha

* Ronald Moore compares this one to "The First Duty". I don't see it. That episode features people breaking the rules solely for glory, this episode (and "The Wounded", for that matter) features people breaking the rules in a misguided attempt to achieve superiority.
* Moore joked that the sheer number of crazy admirals might come from something they add to the water at Starfleet headquarters.
* In the first draft Riker was sentenced to thirty days in the brig and a reprimand that would stop any chance of command. I think this harsh, and feel that long-term sentencing to a brig should be avoided when possible. Riker should've been moved off the ship to a penal colony or something instead.
* The staff considered reusing Pressman on Deep Space Nine. I'm not sure how they could without either seriously reworking the character or rehashing this episode.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Phil is confused as to how the Romulans could have a piece of debris from the Pegasus if the ship didn't actually explode. Duh, there was an explosion of warp plasma that still happened, no doubt a few deckplates were blown off leaving the rest of the ship damaged but intact.
* Phil also noticed the problem with the "had a beard for four years" thing.
* References are made to both "Starfleet Security" and "Starfleet Intelligence" watching this mission. I don't have a problem with the latter being a subset of the former.
* Phil also noticed the size of the ship/size of the crevasse thing.
* Picard acts like the ship is trapped and couldn't be rescued, yet Starfleet knows where they went and would send a rescue ship. And presumably the Enterprise could send some sort of signal to the outside (given enough time I'm sure phasers at low intensity could drill through to send a probe, for example).
* One of Phil's readers brought up the diplomatic incident from decloaking in front of the Romulans. I don't have a problem with this one. For the sake of argument let's say that the Enterprise did stay cloaked for days. The Romulas would still slowly dig through the asteroid to claim their prize and raise a fuss when the Enterprise isn't there and a ship half-buried in the asteroid is. Picard is just starting the inevitable incident on his own terms.
* When Tom Riker is found, will he have to face charges for the Pegasus incident? Come to think of it, that would've been a better reason to join the Maquis...
* There's confusion in the Treaty of Algernon. Was it the treaty that ending the Earth-Romulan war in 2160, or is it the one that banned Federation cloaking devices sixty years ago? I wonder if Phil has heard of the concept of "amendments" and that treaties can evolve.
* Phil wonders if they should've separated the ship and just taken the stardrive section into the asteroid. My immediate response is that the saucer would be a sitting duck for the Romulans.
* The Romulans act like there'd be no problem beaming the crew through all that rock, when Riker thinks that it's risky. I don't have a problem with Romulan transporter sensors being more powerful. For that matter, what about the subspace transporter from "Bloodlines"? Cumulatively dangerous, but surely one exposure to save everyone would be allowed?

[Nate the Great]

January 17th, 1994, "Homeward"

No fiver

The Episode

Captain's log, stardate 47423.9. We have arrived at Boraal Two in response to an emergency distress call from Lieutenant Worf's foster brother, Nikolai Rozhenko. He has been stationed on the planet as a cultural observer.

Is Nikolai stationed alone? It sounds strange. It's not like he couldn't hide his evacuation plans from the others.

PICARD: Very well. But regardless of this planet's immediate situation, we must observe the Prime Directive. I want to minimise the risk of contact with the inhabitants. You will go alone, Mister Worf, and I want to have you surgically altered so that you could pass as a Boraalan.

I don't think that this situation justifies a single man away team. Frankly Data shouldn't have been alone back in "Thine Own Image" either.

CRUSHER: Are the two of you close?
WORF: We are brothers.

Yikes is that a loaded answer. I couldn't describe my relationship with my own brother any more easily.

NIKOLAI: When I sent the distress call I knew the Enterprise was in this sector...

How? Couldn't they have at least have given Nikolai a shuttlecraft that was damaged in the storms? Something that allowed him to scan ships in orbit?

PICARD: Doctor, you were fully aware that the atmospheric dissipation could not be stopped. What did you hope to accomplish by assisting these people?
NIKOLAI: I was trying to give them a future. What I propose is we create an atmospheric shield on the planet. We can camouflage the equipment just as was done with my observation post. No one will ever know it's there.

A big problem with this idea is that it would require a Federation presence on the planet for centuries to come. And these people are clearly thousands of years away from warp.

And then of course the second big problem is inbreeding. This village must rely on intermingling with other villages for marriage partners. Now they're gone. They will wonder why only their village survived, and why they can't find anyone else. New planet or not, this culture is doomed unless the Federation directly intervenes and starts controlling everything. Nikolai seems content to just shove consequences onto someone else. Who cares if his great-grandchildren have six toes?

NIKOLAI: Captain, the Boraalans have a rich and beautiful culture, a deep spiritual life. They deserve the chance to survive.

And? The Federation must've let dozens of primitive cultures just like this die by now.

NIKOLAI: And isn't that what the Prime Directive was truly intended to do, to allow cultures to survive and grow naturally?
TROI: Not entirely. The Prime Directive was designed to ensure non-interference.

I'll refer you to the SF Debris review. Nikolai is talking about the long-term goal of the Prime Directive, Troi is talking about what the Federation does to ensure that.

CRUSHER: But aren't we interfering either way? If we take no action, it's a conscious decision to let the Boraalans die.

Say what you will about the Prime Directive, but at least it's not biased. No warp drive, you're not saved. Period. It doesn't matter if you're peaceful or warlike, if you're destroying the planet or living in harmony with nature, the PD applies to you equally.

We already covered this in "First Contact". Any interference, no matter how well-intentioned, will inevitably cause disaster.

NIKOLAI: Some of my log recorders are still in my observation post. They contain most of my research. Since it appears that the only way I'm going to preserve Boraalan culture is in a museum, I request permission to return to the surface and retrieve them.

If there can't be a ship to support Nikolai, there should've at least have been a subspace satellite in orbit to pass along his files to Memory Alpha.

NIKOLAI: I knew if I could get access to your ship's computer, I could generate a replica of the caves. The hard part was transporting the Boraalans into the holodeck without anybody on the Enterprise noticing.

No, the hard part is transporting them without everyone asking why they all saw blue sparkles for a few seconds at the same time. Did Nikolai knock them all out at night so they wouldn't notice the transport?

NIKOLAI: Captain, I can't prepare for every contingency, but I assure you I'm accustomed to thinking on my feet. I'll deal with the situation as it evolves.

I'm reminded of that speech from Trek '09 about Kirk thinking that he'll never have to face consequences.

(Now that the Kelvinverse trilogy is free on YouTube I intend to watch them as part of my retrospective on the movies. But that will be next summer at minimum, when I finish TNG I'll have to go straight into Voyager).

PICARD: I'm not enthusiastic about this plan, but I don't see that we have another option.

Well, you could flood the holodeck with anesthizine gas and then euthanize them. Or you could ask Starfleet for further orders. While we've seen starship captains change the destinies of entire cultures in TOS, I thought we had more oversight now.

LAFORGE: We've got a problem, sir. I don't think it's going to be possible to keep this holodeck simulation stable.
PICARD: Why not?
LAFORGE: The plasmonic energy surges from the planet are affecting the ship's systems. We're having problems with the EPS systems and the power distribution matrix.
NIKOLAI: And as a result, the holodeck imaging processor has been severely destabilised.

Why are we still in orbit of the planet? It's uninhabitable!

LAFORGE: It's not a question of whether the simulation will break down, it's a question of when.
PICARD: There's no way round it?
LAFORGE: Not while it's running. In order to fix it, I'd have to shut down all of the holodecks and re-initialise the entire system.

You can't reset the holodecks individually? That seems like an obvious design flaw. This seems like the time to stun all of them and put them in stasis until the holodecks can be reset somewhere aware from the storms.

WORF: As we said, it is far from here. It will not be like the home you knew. Even the stars may be different.
VORIN: Why would they be different?

A good point. I'll bet you anything Nicolai gave no thought to this one, or the sun looking different, or the plants and animals looking different, or...

WORF: You have not changed. You still expect people to solve the problems you create.
NIKOLAI: I'm not here to work out the issues of our childhood. I'm here to save a people who I care about.

How is this guy supposed to be brilliant again? Brilliant people don't expect others to solve their problems for them.

DATA: These are the two planets which best match our search criteria. Draygo Four features an unusually large temperate zone. However, it is within three light years of Cardassian space.
CRUSHER: There are constant border disputes in that sector.

Why did Data even present it as an option then?

CRUSHER: There are so many questions we don't have answers to. What if the climate is so different that it affects them in a way that we can't anticipate? How do we even know they'll be able to survive? And if they do, how will their society evolve and what impact will it have on the Vaccan system?

"For that matter, we don't know how they'll react to the diseases unique to this planet!"

VORIN: Then how do you teach your children their history, who their ancestors were, where they come from?
WORF: We tell each other stories, make up songs.
VORIN: Stories change with each person who tells them. This, this will always be the same.

A good point. I think people today don't appreciate how big of a deal the printing press was.

[Nate the Great]

(meanwhile, Vorin has found his scroll, and the arch partly showing in the rock. He touches it and the door appears. He steps forward, it opens and out he goes)

The holodeck is malfunctioning, why aren't there guards stationed here to stop people who wander out? For that matter, why isn't there a stun field pointed at the door?

CRUSHER: I'm sorry, there is nothing I can do. His neural physiology is unusual. I can't wipe his memory.

At least they addressed the question.

VORIN: A new life?
PICARD: A chance for your culture, your people, to survive and grow.
VORIN: How can we grow when everything that made us who we are is gone?

SF Debris pointed out the absurdity of this comment. They KNEW they were going to a new place, and if there was some spiritual link with the planet shouldn't that be brought up?

NIKOLAI: Wait. Are you saying that if Vorin wants to come back in here, they'll let him?
WORF: That is right. He is not a prisoner.
NIKOLAI: But if he comes back here and tells the others what he has seen on the Enterprise, everything we have done will be for nothing.
WORF: Then you should have considered that before you beamed them on board.

Exactly. Acting like you never have to face consequences for your actions is dangerous.

NIKOLAI: Oh, if only I could have been like you. Worf, the perfect son.
WORF: I was not perfect, but I was not wild and disobedient.
NIKOLAI: Of course not. You were too busy doing your duty.
WORF: I would rather be accused of that than making our mother weep.

Exactly! How can Nikolai ever claim to have the moral high ground?

DOBARA: Please, go to him. Make things right between you. I want us to be a family.
WORF: Us?
DOBARA: Yes. I want you to consider yourself my brother. After all, you're going to be the uncle of my child.

This is a huge misstep. The episode is already dealing with too many issues, we don't need another. What does this accomplish except making us like Nikolai less? Did the episode feel that we wouldn't be convinced one way or the other by now?

DATA: We are in synchronous orbit above the beam down site, sir.
PICARD: Good. Mister La Forge, how much longer before we can transport the Boraalans?
LAFORGE [OC]: A few more hours, Captain, but we've got some problems here. I don't think the holodeck's going to last that long.

Why can't they beam people down immediately? If they're talking about how fast they can adjust the holodeck to match the planet, that's not really Geordi's problem right now. Frankly Barclay should've been assigned to the holodeck while Geordi handles the ship and transporters.

WORF: How could you have mated with a Boraalan? What were you thinking?
NIKOLAI: I don't owe you an explanation.

But you owe the Federation an explanation. The rulebook on interspecies relationships is over three centimeters thick, remember.

WORF: That is not possible. I cannot allow you to stay here.
NIKOLAI: You will have to kill me first.

Yeah, that's stupid. Nikolai is a criminal and needs a trial if nothing else. Plus stun settings exist for a reason.

CRUSHER: I think it was some form of ritual suicide.
PICARD: He said that he had nowhere to go.
CRUSHER: He would have died even if we hadn't interfered.
PICARD: But he wouldn't have died alone and afraid.
CRUSHER: Are you saying you're sorry we saved the Boraalans?
PICARD: No, of course not. Our plan for them worked out well. But I wish that Vorin could have bridged the gap between our two cultures. I would have liked the chance to have known him better.

I put this one on the tearjerker page for TNG years ago.

Memory Alpha

* Even Memory Alpha wonders why they didn't knock the people out to reset the holodeck.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Troi was conveniently off the bridge when Boral II dies, if she was there she would've sensed that Nikolai wasn't grieving like the others.
* What if the baby resembles a human more than a Boralan?
* Phil wonders why Troi left Vorin alone in this time of crisis. I would argue that Troi is trained to recognize when a person is or is not receptive to therapy.
* Phil also brings up the gene pool thing, and reminds us of the similar situation in "Up the Long Ladder".
* They started with sixteen scrolls. Vorin could only save six. But then he dies with one outside, leaving five. Then Worf took one, leaving four. What about their history?
* Isn't it convenient that the Boralans would be on a holodeck on Deck 10 so Vorin could stumble into Ten Forward?
* Worf's mustache is reduced for his Boralan disguise, then is restored to normal when he returns to normal. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect that Federation technology can stimulate body hair growth.

[Nate the Great]

January 31st, 1994, "Sub Rosa"

I link to SF Debris reviews often enough, so for a change how about Obscurus Lupa?

Fiver by Kristina

The Episode

PICARD: Caldos Colony is a most impressive accomplishment. I actually feel as if I'm in the Scottish Highlands.
MATURIN: That was the intent. The cornerstone of every building in town was brought from Edinburgh, Glasgow, Aberdeen. The founders wanted everyone to feel they had a piece of the real thing here. They didn't want to just imitate Scotland, they wanted to recreate it.

I never noticed the cornerstone thing. I have to respect it. Due to my heritage I take cornerstones and capstones seriously.

TROI: Your grandmother had remarkable green eyes.
CRUSHER: Every woman in the Howard family has had green eyes, except for my mother and me.

The implication is that the green eyes are a result of Ronin's influence and that Beverly's mother (Isabel, FYI) and Beverly herself don't have them because they never had the chance to connect with Ronin. I'm still a little confused as to why a plasma-based ghost would affect genetics, and the idea that he leaves a piece of himself in his partner at all times is a little icky.

CRUSHER: It's a family heirloom. It's been in the Howard clan for generations. It's supposed to symbolise the enduring Howard spirit. Wherever they may go, the shining light to guide them through their fortune. Nana always kept it lit.

Okay, they'll later tell us that the candle is plasma based. So where does the wax come from and why doesn't it run out? Is Ronin's home the lamp itself or just the wax?
QUINT: I wouldna be so high and mighty with me, Beverly Howard Crusher. I've spent more time here in the past five years than ye have in the past twenty.
CRUSHER: How do you know who I am?
QUINT: I'm Ned Quint. I took care of your grandmother's house and her affairs.
CRUSHER: Nana never mentioned you.

Why wouldn't Nana keep Beverly in the loop about this?

DATA: I am reading unusually high humidity across the entire southern desert region and there is increasing cloud activity above the northern coastal area. Possibly the formation of a storm system.
MATURIN: A storm? It's the middle of summer. We don't have rain at this time of year.

Even if I'll buy a network of drones controlling the weather, I can't buy that you can just turn off rain for months at a time without damaging the environment. The plants require X amount of rain at certain times of the year to grow. At best I'd only want to push away rain during the day, letting it come at night.

CRUSHER: Yes. According to these journals, his name is Ronin and he's thirty four years old. They met just after my great-grandmother's death.

And she didn't tell Beverly about Ronin...because? Furthermore, when did Beverly's great-grandmother die? The math just doesn't seem to add up. And how can Ronin continue to create new, younger alter egos for every Howard host? I can't help but feel that in the Federation they keep track of you from birth regardless of your residence or philosophy. Maybe I'll buy that Q or Kevin Uxbridge can poof himself up a birth certificate on demand, but Ronin isn't that powerful.

CRUSHER: Yes. And there was a voice, a man. He whispered my name. It was as if I knew him, or more like he knew me. He knew exactly how I liked to be touched.

So he's telepathic on top of everything else. That just makes this creepier.

CRUSHER: I did fall asleep reading a particularly erotic chapter in my grandmother's journal. She wrote very detailed descriptions of her experiences with Ronin.

And this is just creepy. Who would consider this appropriate?

TROI: So, shall we start going over the personnel reports?

Doesn't she do that with Riker? Wouldn't there be some specific medical report that the ship's doctor and counsellor would want to collaborate on?

CRUSHER: Ned, the weather systems control is malfunctioning. The Enterprise is trying to repair it.
QUINT: Oh, sure. But who do you think is causing the malfunction?

It's an interesting question: how long can Ronin keep breaking things to keep the Enterprise here until someone figures out there's another entity affecting things?

CRUSHER: I think your imagination is
QUINT: Think what you want. See what you want. Just do as I say. Dinna light that candle or dinna go to that hoose, or before you know it, they'll be burying another Howard in this cemetery.

You'd think he could just tell her to run thorough scans on the candle and her house while she's in it. Being cryptic for the sake of being cryptic never helps anyone.

LAFORGE: Captain, I suggest we set up a power transfer between the Enterprise and the weather substations. Try to give them enough power to stabilise the storm.

They still think that this is an ordinary storm? It seems that Q's confidence in them figuring out technobabble is a bit misplaced.

RONIN [OC]: Ghosts? Nor did I in the beginning. I was born in sixteen forty seven, in Glasgow on Earth.
CRUSHER: You're telling me that you're an eight hundred year old ghost?
RONIN [OC]: I found a home with Jessel Howard. She was a pretty lass with a mane of red hair, and eyes like diamonds.

Like SF Debris says, the idea that every single generation for eight hundred years would keep her maiden name upon marriage AND convince her daughter to use it as well is patently ridiculous.

TROI: Hi, Bev. I just wanted to see if you were going to mok'bara class this morning.
CRUSHER: No, I think I'll skip it today. I'm exhausted.

So she was either raped and Stockholm Syndromed into changing her emotions, or Ronin brainwashed and raped her. Isn't that a lovely image? How did this get past the draft stage, were they THAT desperate for scripts?

CRUSHER: Exactly. I can see why Nana fell in love with him. This sounds very strange, doesn't it?

Yes. It does. Even if everything WAS on the up and up this would be weird. Unless you're on Risa I don't think people sleep together on the first date, even in the 24th century.

DATA: There appears to be a condensed suspension of water vapour, approximately one degree Celsius.
PICARD: Fog.

It's too far into the series for Data to be this pedantic.

DATA: I am unable to terminate the connection, sir. A feedback loop has formed in the transfer beam. I will have to go to the substation and attempt to correct the problem from there.

You don't have any grunts that can do that for you? Surely if there's a continual beam being generated I'd want an engineer at the emitter 24/7.

(an alarm sounds and they spot Ned underneath a console)

Did nobody question why Ned wants to come on board? Maybe assign an escort to him?

CRUSHER: Ensign, ask Doctor Selar run a biospectral analysis.

Hasn't enough time passed for Plakson to play Selar again? In fact, does Selar have the record for most mentions compared to appearances?

PICARD: Beverly, you can't just resign.
CRUSHER: I can, and I have. I've decided to stay on Caldos and become a healer like my grandmother. It's a proud Howard tradition and I've decided to uphold it. Energise. I've resigned my commission, so unless you plan on kidnapping me?

Maybe I'll believe that Starfleet is at-will enough to allow people to leave at any time. But there's still paperwork that needs to be done, and it's clear that it hasn't been done.

PICARD: Why don't you answer my questions? What ship? I'd like to look at the passenger list. Where have you been living here? What's your position? Who are your neighbours?

Which raises another question, did Ronin manage to convince Felisa to never talk about him? How long can he stay solid? If it's more than a day why can't he be a part of the community so people know him?

This is why gothic novels and cheesy romances aren't suitable things to base a Star Trek episode on.

The Fiver

Troi: Who's Zorro?
Crusher: A guy in a black cloak, but that's not important right now.
Troi: Right, Victoria Escalante.

More missing first lines. Ugh.

Crusher: You can't believe the dream I had last night, Deanna. I was caressed, but I saw no one.
Troi: I'm jealous. Was he wearing a cloaking device?

Seems a bit clunky for a joke.

Crusher: Oh, flowers! Who's there?
Ronin: I was born in 17th century Scotland, and have lived a masked life since....
Crusher: Zorro!
Ronin: Please don't call me Zorro.
Crusher: But Wesley watches you all the time.

The Zorro joke seems a bit shoehorned. Surely a Highlander joke would make more sense here.

Ronin: Here I am. Satisfied?
Picard: Tell me who you are first. Surely, you must have an origin of sorts.
Ronin: I do, but I'm not telling. And don't call me Shirley.

Is this joke supposed to tie into another Leslie Nielson role or something?

Crusher: OK, but I just phasered it. Now I'll phaser you too!
Ronin: AaaaaAAAGH! Now I'll have to seduce the crinkly-nosed redhead on DS -- GAK!

I never noticed that Ronin and Shakaar were played by the same actor!

Crusher: (glare) I wonder what he meant by "DS GAK"?
Troi: Some other Nana can sort that Visitor out.

That one was painful.

Memory Alpha

* Braga didn't know about the Japanese word "ronin" before naming the character.
* Felisa was said to be over a hundred, yet her tombstone indicates 79. Oops.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Where is Wesley for his great-grandmother's funeral?
* Phil points out that the governor may not look human, but with the interspecies marriages we've seen it's possible that he would have ONE Scottish ancestor. I prefer to keep it simple and say that he just likes the lifestyle. Remember how the Japanese are obsessed with 19th century British culture?
* He also brings up the age incongruity with Ronin.

[Nate the Great]

February 7th, "Lower Decks"

Fiver by IJD GAF

The Episode

RIKER: Fletcher has more experience with propulsion systems.
TROI: But Carstairs is better with people. Considering this is a supervisory position, I'd go with her.
RIKER: I guess you're right. Didn't we just do crew evaluation reports?

Why are they doing this in Ten Forward? Both of them have offices!

RIKER: It seems like three weeks. Why don't we just give everybody a promotion and call it a night, Commander?
TROI: Fine with me, Captain.

Always funny.

RIKER: Could we have two coffees, please.

Given the sheer number of coffee options available, this seems simplistic to the point of meaningless. At least throw in a "black" to somewhat narrow it down!

LAVELLE: Think promotion. Promotion. Promotion.
TAURIK: (a vulcan) You can't really believe that what you are doing will influence the outcome of your evaluation.
(actually, he will become Vaurik of Voyager)

You mean Vorik, Chakoteya? I assume the reason that they didn't carry over Taurik is the Locarno Problem again. You'd think by now the contracts would be modified to allow for character reuse without paying episode writers for EVERY episode their creations appear in.

SITO: The Vedeks of the Janalan order maintain a round the clock chant for the benefit of the Bajoran people.
TAURIK: Considering the history of your planet, that doesn't exactly validate what he's doing.

I get that this is supposed to be dry wit, but it seems a bit callous once you think about it.

LAVELLE: Promote me, please, so I can make Lieutenant and have my own room.
TAURIK: If you're unhappy sharing quarters with me, then you should put in for a new room assignment.

On a ship this big the idea of involuntary roommates seems rather ridiculous. It's a good gag, but the scale of the break from reality should match the hilarity of the joke, and this joke isn't good enough for a break this big.

RIKER: I've been thinking about who to promote to Ops.
TROI: The new night duty officer?
RIKER: Lavelle is an obvious candidate, but I'm also considering Ensign Sito.

As Sito will point out, she's not even in the right department for this. I sort of wish they'd brought back the idea that Worf was more of a general duty officer in the first season. If Sito was doing duty rotations, it would make more sense.

RIKER: End simulation sequence. Secure from drill. Alpha shift, your response time was seven percent slower than the gamma shift. All departments, submit drill evaluation reports

While I suppose the bridge and engineering controls could be temporarily turned into simulator mode like the Kobayashi Maru fake bridge in Wrath of Khan, this does seem like prime holodeck stuff. Remember what happened when the Ferengi interrupted a simulation? You'd think they'd want to avoid that.

RIKER: What happened back there, Ensign?
SITO: I'm sorry, sir. When we changed course I had to re-lock phasers before I could fire.
RIKER: Next time, try letting the locking relay float until the actual order to fire is given.

This is ridiculous. The "locking relay" would have to be tied into both the sensors keeping track of the other ship's location AND the conn system's internal sensors of where the ship thinks it is and how it's moving. Given the complexities of ship movements during a battle a large percentage of targeting would have to be automatic to have any chance of actually hitting.

LAVELLE: Aye, aye, sir.
RIKER: One aye is sufficient acknowledgment, Ensign.

And this is where my compassion for Riker in this situation runs out. This seems like a petty excuse to pound Lavelle down. And for what, to deflate Lavelle's ego or inflate his own?

SITO: How'd you like to be a spider under that table?
LAVELLE: What?
SITO: A spider under the table.
LAVELLE: Is that like a fly on the wall?
SITO: I guess so.

It's nice to see colloquialisms from other cultures, but it does introduce more questions about how the Universal Translator works and whether or not all cadets have to learn English.

LAFORGE: Your plasma flow to the nacelles is out of sync.
TAURIK: Actually, sir, that was done deliberately. As you can see, this configuration has increased overall warp field integrity by seven percent.
LAFORGE: You're right.

This seems like nonsense to me. How can plasma flow be out of sync, and what does the plasma flow "frequency" have to do with the warp field integrity? Are they implying that the warp field from each nacelle pulses with the plasma flow and having the two nacelles pulse out of sync leads to the wave form of the two warp fields covering a wider range than just a simple "sine wave"?

SITO: I only filled in at Ops for a half hour, but I had to degauss the main deflector dish, recalibrate the navigation grid, and use internal sensors to find a lost puppy.

None of these seem like Ops jobs. For that matter, wouldn't all of the pets be chipped to allow for instantaneous locating?

SITO: I can't figure out why I'm even being considered for this assignment. I'm a security officer.
WORF: I recommended you.
SITO: I'll try not to let you down, sir.

For a duty change this drastic, wouldn't you want the officer's consent before they were even considered?

BEN: He likes Jazz, poker. He's Canadian.
LAVELLE: Yeah? My grandfather was from Canada.

It's an honest mistake for Ben to make, but Lavelle's idea of connecting though a grandfather is pathetic. Talk about grasping at straws. Furthermore, if Lavelle wants to find a commonality with Riker, wouldn't it be better to look at his personnel file instead of relying on second-hand information?

PICARD: How close to the Cardassian border are we?
DATA: Less than five thousand kilometres, sir.

Sheesh, talk about dancing on the line!

PICARD: Can we get within transporter range without crossing into Cardassian territory?
DATA: We would need to boost the gain on the confinement beam by at least seven percent.

The range of the transporter is forty thousand kilometers. The escape pod is fifty thousand kilometers inside Cardassian space. Even if I'll buy that you can temporarily boost the range by seven percent, it wouldn't be enough.

It occurs to me that a useful tool would be a probe designed to be a transporter relay. Send the probe over into Cardassian space, have it beam the survivor over but instead of materializing inside the probe it forwards the signal to the Enterprise.

TAURIK: Bio readings indicate that passenger's humanoid. Attempting life form identification.
LAFORGE: No one told you to do that, Ensign.

Why would Taurik care about the species? It's not going to affect anything!