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Five-Minute "Gambit II"

by Derek Dean

Worf: The ship is undamaged.
Troi: We couldn't have adapted that quickly.
Data: I guess the knowledge and experience of the human Riker are part of them now. They are so screwed.

Troi: I've been reviewing Will's last transmission and besides the fact that I don't really think the Lieutenant was on board, I can't figure out anything.
Data: He wasn't? Darn. Oh well, keep looking for some sort of secret message.
Worf: I still can't believe you just let the mercenary ship go.
Data: In contrast to, say, boarding their ship and having to take Commander Riker back?
Worf: Good point.

Baran: Thanks for your command codes. I'll never complain about the Original Series movies again.
Riker: Whatever.
Galen: Aw, what's wrong? You feeling bad about betraying everyone? OW!
Riker: No, and I don't feel bad about leaving all my toenail clippings around your station either.

Tallera: Why didn't you continue to fire on the Enterprise?
Galen: I got confused when Baran told me to fire at will.
Computer: Perfect match.
Tallera: Does that mean that piece is one of the pieces we're looking for?
Galen: No, that was just the computer's dating software. You wanna go out?

Baran: Excellent. Galen found one of the pieces. Soon we can kill him.
Riker: Good. I was really beginning to get sick of the guy. "How does it feel betraying everyone?" "Keep children away from me." "Wax my head." What a jerk.
Baran: In that case, you can kill him.
Riker: Just as soon as I find out what he knows about Picard.

Data: Hey look, there was a message. We can find the ship in the Hyralan Sector.
Worf: Took you long enough, you stupid robot.

Data: Mr. Worf, you're not acting like a first officer. Can you think of even one time when Commander Riker said something like that about Captain Picard?
Worf: Yes.
Data: I meant to his face.
Worf: Sigh, no.

Picard: Hey, Will.
Riker: What are you doing in Galen's quarters? Oh my gosh! Are you subletting from him?
Picard: Just tell me why you're here.
Riker: Well, I was supposed to start a mutiny with Galen so I could find out who his supporters are before I kill him.
Picard: Don't worry, I'll tell him for you.
Riker: Phew, thanks.

Tallera: I know you're a Starfleet officer.
Galen: Good. See if you can tell that to Riker.
Tallera: I'm actually Vulcan, and I work for Vulcan security. My name is T'Saavik, I mean, T'Pol, no, wait, T'Paal. Yes, that one.
Galen: I see. And what are you doing here?
Tallera: I'm trying to stop a group of Vulcan isolations who believe in an unorthodox philosophy of FDFC from assembling the Stone of Gol.

Giusti: Now entering the Hyralan Sector.
Data: Good. And this time, scan for ships.
Giusti: Nope, no ships.
Data: What about that one right in front of us?
Giusti: That's a shuttle.

Worf: Let's bring the shuttle aboard with a tractor beam and search it.
Data: I don't know. We might give the pilot a heart attack or something.
Worf: Yes, but by the terms of the Klingon-Federation Treaty, we are allowed to search and give seizure.

Crusher: Wait a minute! I know you. You're James Worthy. You played basketball for the Los Angeles Lakers.
Koral: I'm sorry, you must have me confused with someone else. My name is Koral. I'm the Klingon pilot.
Crusher: Oh yeah? Then why are you wearing high-top sneakers?
Koral: Uh... They're comfortable?

Transporter: WHOOSH!
Galen: All right, where's the artifact?
Crusher: Oh my gosh, it's Jean-Luc!
Riker: What? Where? Where?
Crusher: Ohhhh, I get it. I'm not supposed to recognize him. Good cover, Commander. (ahem) Uh, nowhere. I just got confused by this bald mercenary here.
Riker: Wait, are you suggesting there's some sort of connection between Galen and Picard?

Transporter: WHOOSH!
Galen: Cool. The artifact's here in Koral's basketball.
Data: Commander Riker, you're risking charges of theft, piracy, and treason.
Riker: Let me add a few more charges.... from my phaser! Mwahahah --
Greedo: ZAP!
Riker: Gak!
Galen: Didn't see that one coming.

Galen: Riker betrayed us and I'm thinking it's your fault. It's time for a mutiny.
Baran: Actually it's time for you to die. You make me ill.
Galen: Are you sure it's not just an imbalance of blood and phlegm making you ill?
Baran: Galen, heal thyself.
Baran: GAK!
Galen: Heh. Or alternatively, Galen, reprogram thyself.

Riker: Hi, Mr. Vulcan. Just wanted to let you know that a mercenary ship is on its way there and it's going to reassemble the Stone of Gol and destroy the entire Federation. But I guess you already know that what with your operative being on board.
Satok: (over the comm) Um, yes. Our operative.... Which one again?
Riker: Tallera.
Satok: Ah, yes. Good old Tallera. How is he doing?
Riker: She.
Satok: She. Right. That's what I meant.
Riker: You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?
Satok: Not a clue.

Tallera: You have any problem with me taking the pieces to Vulcan myself?
Galen: Not unless you give yourself away as the villain.
Tallera: Excellent. Mwahahahaha!

Galen: Wait, I've changed my mind. Don't beam down to Vulcan alone.
Tallera: You had no problem in the cargo bay, why do you have one now in front of the whole crew?
Galen: Peer pressure. Well, that and the stereotypical villain laugh.
Tallera: Grr. In that case I have an announcement for the crew, Galen is Picard!
Crew: Yeah, so?
Tallera: Not quite the response I was looking for.
Crew: Sorry.

Narik: Wow. These Vulcan catacombs sure are in poor condition.
Tallera: Yeah, all we use them for now is spying on the Andorians.
Vekor: Hey, where's our money? We were promised streets of gold.
Tallera: I hear that's what they're paving heaven with these days. By the way, DIE!
Vekor: GAK!
Narik: GAK!

Transporter: WHOOSH!
Picard: Drop your weapons! The Stone of Gol only responds to aggression; think happy thoughts!
Riker: Like puppies!
Worf: And chili!
Chili Joke: GAK!
Tallera: Well, at least I killed something, if only it would stay dead.

Riker: So there's just one thing I don't understand: what happened to Galen?
Picard: Galen and I are the same person. Are you really this slow?
Riker: Aw, shut up, you stupid robot.
(Riker gets escorted to the brig at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on June 18, 2005.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2005, Derek Dean.