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Five-Minute "Gambit I"

by Derek Dean

Troi: Have you seen a bald guy looking like this clay sculpture?
Bartender: No, but what's "Captain Picard Day"?

Riker: A little bird told me you know where we can find our bald friend.
Yranac: Hey, I'm no stool pigeon!
Riker: But you're still a canary, so start singing.
Yranac: The bald eagle-eyed guy was shot and flew against that wall and was vaporized.
Riker: Woohoo! Captain at last!

Riker: Admiral, I'd like to find the people who killed Captain Picard.
Chekote: I understand. I'm sure finding them will help you deal with your grief.
Riker: Grief? I'm in command of the Enterprise because of them, I'd like to buy them a drink!

Riker: I bet you know where the mercenaries are, don't you?
Yranac: Maybe I do, but if you think I'm going to tell you that they were headed to the Barradas system, you've got another think coming.
Riker: Then maybe you'll tell me where they went after I make a few veiled threats.
Yranac: Doubt it.

Riker: ...and so after three hours of threatening him, I finally got him to break down and tell me where the mercenaries went.
Data: The only M-class planet in the system is Barradas Three. It has ruins which tells us that the planet is old.
Riker: Whatever, I'm beaming down.
Data: As acting first officer, I must question your decision.
Riker: Okay, okay, I'll let others beam down with me.
Data: That wasn't what I meant....

Geordi: It's strange. These artifacts look like they've been scooped off the face of the planet.
Riker: Wait, so the Borg did this? I thought we'd laid to rest the Locutus storyline.
Riker: Everyone else, get down!
Riker: Ack! Probably should've included myself in that order.

Geordi: (over the comm) They abducted Riker and beamed away.
Data: Woohoo! Captain at last!
Guisti: Hey, look! There's a ship leaving orbit!
Data: Why didn't someone scan for any other ships in orbit?
Guisti: You didn't ask me to.

Data: ...and so that's why we couldn't track the mercenary ship.
Geordi: I still think you should fire Ensign Guisti.
Data: Whatever, I'm beaming down to the planet.
Worf: As acting first officer, I must question your decision.
Data: Okay, okay, I'll let others beam down with me.
Worf: Good.

Baran: What should we do with the Starfleet officer?
Narik and Vekor: Burn him!
Baran: And what do we burn apart from Starfleet officers?
Galen: More Starfleet officers!
Baran: Suddenly I am overcome by a very strange sense of irony.

Galen: No really, we should kill him. He flirts with anything remotely female; he's got the intelligence of a caveman; and he clips his toenails at the most inappropriate times.
Baran: How do you know so much about him?
Galen: From, uh, his Starfleet records.
Baran: Come on, you say that about everybody.

Narik: Aah! The ship's just kicked into overdrive! It's going to explode!
Galen: The computer seems to be infected by an Iconian virus like that one time on the Enterprise.
Riker: Gasp! The Enterprise once dealt with that problem! Let me fix it!
Baran: Sure, but I have to warn you that I implicitly trust anyone who saves the ship.
Riker: Good thing Wesley isn't here.

Data: The artifacts on the planet are Romulan in origin.
Worf: Hey, the leader of the group that abducted Riker was a Romulan! Well, half-Romulan anyway.
Data: If they're going after Romulan artifacts, we'll need to warn the outpost on Calder Two.
Geordi: Why Calder Two?
Data: The Lieutenant there owes me money.

Galen: We don't have much time, but it's good to see you, Will.
Riker: How come you know so much about me?
Picard: Oh, right, the speaker credits. I've been using the name Galen in honor of my old professor.
Riker: Wait a minute! You're Picard!
Picard: Yep, still the same old Riker.

Riker: So let me get this straight, Picard is Galen and Galen is Picard?
Picard: This is going to be worth it.
Baran: You don't conduct interrogations on this ship without my permission!
Galen: OW! Stupid chip in my head.
Riker: Wait, what just happened to Picard?

Baran: Next target is Calder Two.
Galen: You can't attack there! The Lieutenant there owes Data -- er, I mean, that's a Federation outpost!
Baran: So?
Galen: So we should make Riker convince them to lower their shields!

Tallera: What's your malfunction? Why are you opposing Baran?
Galen: I'm just trying to prove that I can be a shady, amoral mercenary.
Tallera: Don't give me that. I know you're just a Mary Jayne.

Sanders: (over the comm) Um, hi, Commander Riker, could you please tell Data that --
Riker: I'm not on the Enterprise. I need you to drop your shields and allow us to have access to the planet.
Sanders: See I've been having a really hard time making ends meet, and then I remembered that the Federation doesn't even use money....
Baran: He's stalling.
Riker: I agree. He obviously doesn't have the money. ...Oh right, you meant about lowering the shields.

Galen: I've got their shields down. We're beaming up the artifacts.
Baran: Yes! I always knew this wouldn't be a destructive enterprise.
Enterprise: ZAP!
Baran: In contrast to that one.

Riker: (over the comm) Don't fire at the ship. I'll be killed!
Data: Mr. Worf, arm topedoes.
Riker: And so is Galen, who seems to know Picard!
Data: Full spread.
Riker: And the lieutenant who owes you money!
Data: Stand down! Disarm weapons!

Baran: So now what are you going to do?
Riker: I saw this in a movie once. We get the command codes for the ship and tell it to lower its shields!
Baran: Sounds like a pretty stupid movie.
Tallera: It was. I much preferred the two after it.

Worf: Our shields aren't lowering.
Data: Lower them!

Riker: Mr. Worf, fire!
Baran: Huh? Who's Worf? And why am I not giving the order?

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This fiver was originally published on June 17, 2005.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2005, Derek Dean.