30th Anniversary DS9 Discussion Marathon

[Nate the Great]

May 16th, 1993, "If Wishes Were Horses"

No Fiver

The Episode

ODO: I have no time for fantasies.
QUARK: Ah. No imagination, huh?
ODO: Waste of time. Too many people dream of places they'll never go, wish for things they'll never have, instead of paying adequate attention to their real lives.

I get where Odo is coming from, but I think he's being overly simplistic.

QUARK: I could create a shape-shifter playmate for you. The two of you could intermingle.
ODO: You're disgusting.

I question what Odo would get from such an experience. Since he's the only changeling anyone's ever seen, knowledge of his physiology is limited at this point. Any duplicate would be a "shapeshifter" in the loosest sense. The computer doesn't know how to make it move properly, apply the correct pressure, etc. Plus pushing holographic bits of fake protoplasm into Odo's body couldn't feel very good for him.

(Jake comes through with his baseball bat and glove.)
ODO: You're not allowing young Mister Sisko in your holosuites, I hope.
QUARK: It's not what you think.
ODO: It better not be.

For goodness sake, holosuite programs cover an entire spectrum beyond sex, and Odo knows that!

On a completely different topic, why do the Siskos have physical baseball gear? Jake could ask for a bat and glove once he's in the holosuite! They can't possibly play often enough that personalized equipment would be worth it.

QUARK: Every afternoon, the boy goes up to play. His father brought a programme with famous players. You ever hear of Tris Speaker or Ted Williams or Buck Bokai?
ODO: Afraid not.
QUARK: Neither had I until I made it my business to find out. With all these humans coming now, the true entrepreneur knows how to sniff the wind.

Chakoteya is nice enough to provide links to the baseball wiki for Speaker and Williams. Speaker was a centerfielder for the Red Sox in the teens and twenties. Williams was a leftfielder for the Red Sox in the forties and fifties. Buck Bokai, of course, played for the London Kings in the 2020s.

QUARK: Family entertainment. That's the future, Odo. There's a fortune to be made. Little holo-creatures running around, rides and games for the kiddies, Ferengis in every doorway selling useless souvenirs.

It's a little overwhelming to think about how future technology will advance the theme park rides that we have today. The mention of "holo-creatures" brings my mind to perennial Arrowverse wiki toyetic character Beebo.

QUARK: I'm expanding. I'm negotiating to lease the space next door so I can use the same holo-generators.

Yeah, holodecks don't work like that. And it suddenly occurs to me that it would behoove Quark to open a family-friendly facility on the other side of the Promenade. It would certainly be more encouraging for the new Bajoran and Federation families on board. A no-alcohol bar, a proper sit-down restaurant, a real arcade, and family-friendly holosuites.

BASHIR: You are constantly in my thoughts. I can't even
WAITER: That was two raktajinos, extra strong.
BASHIR: I can't even concentrate.
DAX: You seemed to be concentrating just fine on the junior Lieutenant at the reception for Captain Stadius.
BASHIR: She was a poor substitute for you.

Yeah, this doesn't work. Either Bashir is obsessed with Dax to the point of eschewing all other women, or else he's a womanizer who just sees Dax as a challenge. Of course, the problem is that neither interpretation puts Julian in a very good light. So they should've dropped the whole thing or done it properly. As in, the attraction is gradual and they actually try dating before realizing that it doesn't work.

O'BRIEN: Rumpelstiltskin. And at the sound of his own name, the old man was so furious that he stamped his foot, shaking the entire kingdom, and he broke in two and disappeared.

If you're not watching Phelous already, you should be. Here's his review of a third-rate Rumpelstiltskin cartoon, featuring a cameo by Pat Morita.

O'BRIEN: Sweetheart, that was just make-believe. Rumpelstiltskin isn't real, okay? All right, I'll come in and check, but then it's bedtime. Why do we tell her stories about evil dwarfs that want to steal children?

Because the original fairy tales were meant to teach simple morals. In this case, "don't say you can do things that you can't, and don't depend on miracles to get you out of trouble."

(There is the lovely Michael John Anderson)

Chakoteya must be a fan of X-Files and/or Twin Peaks.

(Security enter)
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Ah, the local constabularies.

"Constabulary" just means a police force that consists of constables. "Constable" is a particular rank of police officer, once found in most of medieval Europe but these days it mostly only used in former British realms and Scandinavia.

I'm still not sure of why Sisko would use the term in reference to Odo, his duties seem to go beyond that of a simple police officer.

KIRA: A hologram with an appetite?
BUCK: Hologram?
BASHIR: On the contrary, Major, he's quite real. They all seem to be.

Yes, they're real, but a real one? Are their life signs human or Trill or whatever Rumpelstiltskin is? Or does Julian just mean generic humanoid?

SISKO: You. You're not actually Buck Bokai.
BUCK: So how come I'm wearing his uniform?

Ba-dum-tish.

BASHIR: Not necessarily. Well, maybe. How could this sort of thing possibly happen?
DAX: A subspace disruption. Maybe some kind of dimensional shift.

A dimensional shift from where? Maybe I'll buy that Jadzia2 and Bokai somehow jumped over from a parallel universe, but if you're going to try telling me that all of the Grimm fairy tales happened in a parallel universe and somehow inspired the Grimm Brothers to write them down I'm going to need more exposition on that.

[Nate the Great]

ODO: Are the environmental controls broken down? It's snowing on the Promenade.
SISKO [OC]: Snowing?
ODO: We're looking at five or six centimetres down here.

You let the snow get two inches deep before reporting it? I thought Odo was more on the ball than that.

ODO: Disappeared but now there's a Gunji jackdaw running loose down here.
(Looks more like an emu to me)

Of course the birds were actually emus. Jackdaws are actually related to crows and ravens. Don't ask me why the name was applied to emus.

BASHIR: Jadzia, I find this difficult to say, but I want you to know, I would
DAX: Julian, there's really no need to apologise. In a way, I feel as if we've invaded your privacy. We all have fantasies and dreams we keep to ourselves, thoughts that should remain private.
BASHIR: I'm glad you understand.
DAX: Of course I do. I was a young man, once.

Thank goodness they brought this up. It doesn't exactly match the prankster image of Dax, but that's another issue.

DAX: She really is submissive, isn't she? Is that how you want me to be, Julian? So submissive?
DAX 2: I am not submissive. Am I?
BASHIR: No, er, well, I don't think so.
DAX 2: I'm just not the cold fish you are.
DAX: Cold fish?
BASHIR: Now, I never said that.

Calling Jadzia a "cold fish" is absolutely hilarious. I think the big problem is that Jadzia was having so much fun toying with Julian that she wasn't taking his feelings into consideration. After a month or two she should've given him a real date and then decide whether to continue dating him or tell him to stop because the date didn't work.

DAX 2: Come on, Lieutenant. Stop denying all those yearnings you feel.
DAX: Yearnings?
DAX 2: If you don't, you'll never know what you missed.

Jadzia won't really yearn for anyone until Lenara Khan. And Ezri reveals that if Worf hadn't come along she would've given Julian a chance. The real problem is that Jadzia planned on toying with Julian for FIVE YEARS before going on a date with him. I call that pretty monstrous.

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: A farmer from Derry once tried to chase me off until I saved his crops from locusts
(I'm trying to imagine the level of global warming required for locusts in Derry....)

Derry is the second-largest city in Northern Ireland. I think the implication is that Northern Ireland is too cold for the bugs.

BUCK: Hey, Ben. It really meant a lot to me, how much you cared. That day we won that world series, there were only three hundred people in the stands.
SISKO: Three hundred and one in my version.

I think the idea that baseball was more boring than football and was inevitably doomed is a remnant of the Nineties that I'm glad we left there.

Look, I don't watch professional sports, but I don't begrudge those who do enjoy watching them. I'll refer you guys to Field of Dreams and A League of Their Own for more on this subject.

SISKO: Can we gain any time by moving the station?
DAX: If the rift collapses, the implosion would overtake us almost immediately.

It occurs to me that after the events of The Emissary something more powerful than the existing thrusters should've been installed. Of course you don't want the station bouncing between Bajor and the wormhole on a daily basis, but it would sure be useful in situations like this.

DAX: All available power's been transferred. Reading shield strength at one hundred fifty eight percent above normal.

158% above normal is 258%. I don't think the shield generations could handle that much extra power. This "you can always throw more power at it" thing that Trek keeps doing is frankly annoying. Even something as simple as the anti-Borg deflector dish trick in "Best of Both Worlds" would've required a lengthy stay in spacedock to get it done.

BUCK: We're on an extended mission exploring the galaxy. Awhile back, we followed one of your ships through that hole in space out there. We've been watching you, trying to figure out the rules of your game.
SISKO: Why didn't you just talk to us like this?
BUCK: We've learned you never can tell how someone will treat the visiting team.
SISKO: I understand.

Oh boy, is this a screed waiting to happen.

BUCK: We've got to go.
SISKO: But you haven't told us anything about your species.
BUCK: I'd like to. Maybe next year.

Yeah, he won't be back. And before we end the episode, where was the scene between Dax and Bashir where we resolved everything that happened there?

Memory Alpha

* I find it hilarious when Meany objected to a leprechaun instead of Rumpelstiltskin like the original plan was, only to play a leprechaun himself in "The Magical Legend of the Leprechauns."
* Of course this episode is the source of the baseball that Sisko will keep on his desk and will play an important part in many future episodes.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Phil wonders how Bokai's baseball maintained its reality after he left. My immediate rejoinder is that we haven't a clue whether or not this species can manifest real stuff like Q can.
* Phil has problems with Jadzia referring to Dax as having been a young man once, when we know that there were three male hosts before her. I think Phil is being overly pedantic. Being a young man three times does not mean that referring to a singular instance is a lie.
* How did O'Brien modify torpedoes by tapping away at a console? Phil thinks this would require Undiscovered Country-style "surgery."

[Nate the Great]

May 23rd, 1993, "The Forsaken"

Fiver by Nic

Let me get this out of the way up front. Lwaxana should've never appeared on DS9. At all. She's overbearing and oblivious to the point of madness, but in conjunction with Deanna and Picard she had some interesting plots. On DS9 she had no such counterpoint, and no, Odo doesn't count. Furthermore that whole escapade with her failed marriage and son was just a bad episode of television.

The Episode

Station Log, stardate 46925.1. We have been honoured with a visit by a delegation of Federation ambassadors on a fact-finding mission to the wormhole. Fortunately I have just the officer to take them off my hands.

Yeah, no. Sisko is a commander, he shouldn't be dealing with ambassadors. And like I said before, Sisko's diplomatic mission to the Bajorans seems to have been dropped, so there should be a dedicated ambassador offscreen who can handle this.

Furthermore, Bashir is even less qualified than Sisko to deal with ambassadors. I would think Dax would be the ideal candidate given the options.

BASHIR: I only wish there was something I could do, Ambassador.
TAXCO: (alien red-head) Madam Ambassador.
BASHIR: Madam Ambassador. But all the guest quarters on the station are roughly the same size.
TAXCO: Then move me to the crew level.
BASHIR: All the quarters on the crew level are currently occupied.
TAXCO: Then someone can move. You, for example.

Ugh. Every Federation starbase should have dedicated VIP suites. Period. Furthermore, the Cardassians would've had such things already. And even if there weren't and O'Brien couldn't make some, there should be a dedicated starship in the sector by now, and THEY would have VIP suites.

BASHIR: Commander Sisko is extremely busy.
VADOSIA: With what?
BASHIR: With the recalibration sweep.
LOJAL: (Vulcan) What are you recalibrating?
BASHIR: Everything. It's a sweeping recalibration of all systems.

Yeah, it doesn't work like that. I'll skip the Treknobabble screed, but believe me when I say that it would be a long one.

BASHIR: You would? After your long trip, I thought you might enjoy stopping by a holosuite?
TAXCO: Are you actually suggesting we indulge in one of those disgusting Ferengi sex programmes?
BASHIR: No. I, the holosuites are capable of many different--

Can we drop the idea that "the default holosuite program is sex" now? Gene is dead, you don't need to be puerile anymore.

TAXCO: A first-year officer assigned as our liaison. Starfleet command will hear of this.

As well they should. Sisko isn't doing his job.

So Bashir just started his career and he's a Lieutenant? It's an interesting idea: If you just do the standard four years you graduate as an Ensign, but if you go additional schooling for a specialty you graduate as a Lieutenant. That would explain Saavik in TWOK, come to think of it. Maybe she went to some special Command school to get her rank. It would also explain Ro Laren's situation, for that matter.

LWAXANA: I had just made a third straight cross. I was leaning across the table to pick up the dice again...

Quark lets Betazoids gamble in his bar? Just because they can't read Ferengi doesn't mean that they couldn't read the minds of the Bajoran dabo girls and his other staff! Furthermore, gamblers and criminals across the quadrant would prioritize telepathy dampeners by now in order to ply their trades.

LWAXANA: You are dealing with a daughter of the Fifth House, Holder of the Sacred Chalice of Rixx, Heir to the holy Rings of Betazed.

It's been quite long enough for proper explanation of these items. We know that the Sacred Chalice is a moldy clay pot, but what are the Holy Rings? In the novel Imzadi Will Riker found them in a box in the back of Lwaxana's closet.

It's been suggested that Lwaxana is the only one who takes these things seriously anymore, but I wish that had been made clearer.

LWAXANA: That's it. That's my brooch. But how did you know?
ODO: Dopterians are distant relatives of the Ferengi. It made sense that if you couldn't read Quark, you might not be able to read this charming fellow either.

The most famous Dopterian (to us) is probably Gorta from "Firstborn", the guy SF Debris hailed as having more personality than all of the criminals from "Gambit" combined.

O'BRIEN: Computer, is the diagnostic on the fusion power plant finished yet?
COMPUTER: Affirmative. The fusion power plant is operating within normal parameters.
O'BRIEN: What are you talking about? It's thirteen percent below normal.
COMPUTER: Cardassian specifications accept operating efficiency within twenty percent.

Oh boy, another screed is hiding here, this time about Cardassian standards, perhaps even speculation on whether their arrogance and god complexes overpower any desire for efficiency.

In any case, O'Brien should've reprogrammed this by now, this scene is for Episode 2 or 3, not 16.

O'BRIEN: Well, I don't. Anara.
(A Bajoran woman comes over)
ANARA: Yes, sir.

Oh, boy, Anara. She was supposed to be more important in future episodes, including "In the Hands of the Prophets", but this was dropped. I think I recall from somewhere that Keiko was going to become jealous of her at one point, but any possible infidelity plotline was dropped.

O'BRIEN: How much do you know about the carbon reaction chambers?
ANARA: I've learned a little about laser-induced fusion. Not much more than the basics.
O'BRIEN: It's a bloody inefficient system, and I'd trade it in for a Federation model tomorrow if I could. But it's all we've got.

This episode is just full of possible tangents for ranting, isn't it?

O'BRIEN: Fine? With all due respect, Commander, as an engineer, I couldn't look at myself in the mirror if I allowed this computer to perform as it is now. I'll have to do a root canal.
SISKO: Root canal?
O'BRIEN: It's engineering shorthand, sir. I'll have to get into its guts and rebuild her from the ground up.
SISKO: How long will that take?
O'BRIEN: Well, I'm still not that familiar with Cardassian technology but I'd guess no more than two, three years.

I have to think that just replacing the core with a Federation model and reprogramming it to do DS9-specific tasks would take less time.

LWAXANA: Is Odo your first or last name?
ODO: Yes.

No, Odo is his "family name", Ital is his "personal name". Even Memory Alpha lists his full name as Odo Ital, Cardassian for "Unknown Sample."

LWAXANA: I'm understand you're a shape-shifter.
ODO: That's correct.
LWAXANA: I've never been with a shape-shifter.

Really? There are any number of shapeshifting species in Trek, if you decide to separate "shapeshifters" (can change between humanoid forms only, like salt vampires, or Garth or Marta) from "changelings" (can assume any form). She's never been with a changeling before.

LWAXANA: All the men I've known have needed to be shaped and molded and manipulated. Finally I've met a man who knows how to do it himself.

Well, that's disturbing, and quite inconsistent with Lwaxana's prior relationships. She might've remolded Ian a bit, but after that she seems to prefer me with strong wills who can stand up to her: Picard, Timicin, Odo.

SISKO: What's the problem?
ODO: The manner in which she expresses her gratitude. To be honest, Commander, she seems interested in me.
SISKO: What's wrong with that?
ODO: She's extremely aggressive.
SISKO: I see. So, she's after you.
ODO: Like a Wanoni tracehound.

Wanoni tracehounds have a couple different backstories in the expanded universe. If you take RPG supplements as more canonical than random published nonfiction, these dogs are native to Betazed and resemble our mastiff dogs.

[Nate the Great]

ODO: I don't have time for romantic interludes. Frankly, in my humble opinion, most of you humanoids spend far too much time on your respective mating rituals.
SISKO: It does help the procreation of one's species.
ODO: Procreation does not require changing how you smell, or writing bad poetry, or sacrificing various plants to serve as tokens of affection. In any event, it's all irrelevant to me.
SISKO: I'm sorry to hear that.

Thank goodness they addressed this. Romance does not equal sex, and sex does not equal babies.

Odo's examples seem a little Earth-specific. I wonder why he wouldn't use Cardassian or Bajoran romantic gestures instead.

(Odo checks the coast is clear before stepping off the turbolift, but still gets caught.)

This joke was done better in "Half a Life."

ODO: You told Quark you were going into a holosuite with me?
LWAXANA: Of course. He's preparing a special picnic basket for us.
ODO: Good lord.

"Menage a Troi" established Lwaxana's fondness for picnic baskets. I'd love to have seen Quark's response to the request.

"Good lord"? Really? Odo doesn't seem one for religious expressions like this. And even if he was so inclined, "by the Prophets" would seem more fitting, given the setting.

ODO: I don't eat. This is not a real mouth, it is an approximation of one. I do not have an esophagus or a stomach or a digestive system. I am not like you. Every sixteen hours, I turn into a liquid.

And we know that he only tried to eat once. He didn't get anything out of it, and the aftermath was quite messy. Even so, he knows how to keep someone company while they eat by now.

KIRA [OC]: By the way, Cardassian turbolifts run exposed multi-phase alternating currents through their positioning mechanisms, so don't try to shape-shift your way out.

Cardassian turbolift tubes seem like OSHA nightmares. Thank goodness a quantum filament never hit the station trapping Captain Picard and some kids inside one.

SISKO: All of us have had these assignments, Doctor.
BASHIR: Have you, sir?
SISKO: As a matter of fact, Curzon Dax used to take perverse pleasure in assigning me to take care of VIP guests.

I suddenly wonder how Curzon would handle the instances in TOS that were ruined by the insufferably stupid ambassadors that Kirk kept having to deal with.

Station log, supplemental. Odo and Ambassador Troi remain trapped in turbolift four. As of yet, we have been unable to ascertain what it is that's causing the station's computer to malfunction.
(Note - previously it was turbolift seven. )

I wonder if Chakoteya read the Nitpicker's Guides.

SISKO: Do you happen to know the schedule of his regenerative cycle?
KIRA: My god, I have no idea, but if he doesn't get back to his pail in time--

Quark knows Odo's regeneration cycle, this would seem like a prime opportunity to let him show off. It would let him be smug and amused at Odo's situation, we know that Quark doesn't like Lwaxana any more than Odo does.

ANARA: Computer, access musical files in the Bajor master data banks and create a concert programme of Bajoran serenas.

A serena is a type of French poem or song where a lover anticipates the arrival of night. This is so culturally specific that I'm not sure that you can apply it to other species.

SISKO: How did you beat that thing in the computer, Chief?
O'BRIEN: I didn't.
DAX: He adopted it.
SISKO: Adopted it?
O'BRIEN: I was able to get our friend out of the main command pathways and into a subprogramme.
SISKO: You're suggesting we leave it in there?
O'BRIEN: I don't see why not. It's happy. It's not bothering us any more. It seems the humane thing to do.
DAX: It's just another new lifeform visiting the station.
O'BRIEN: I'll take care of it, make sure it gets enough attention and all.
SISKO: Keep it off the furniture.
O'BRIEN: Yes, sir.

Pup will make a few appearances in the novels, most notably in Valhalla. A Memory Alpha editor wonders if Sisko destroyed it when he made the computer self-destruct in "A Call to Arms" before the Dominion occupied the station.

The Fiver

Sisko: Old man, where is Chief O'Brien?
Dax: He's in his quarters, crying. The computer malfunctioned and then told him something mean.
Sisko: What? You're not saying the "This program has performed an illegal operation" line reduced him to tears?
Dax: You keep forgetting this is a Cardassian computer, Benjamin. It told him, "Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries."

Most people would focus on the Monty Python joke, but I am not "most people." What I found funny was the illegal operation joke, it reminds me of a story from the old Computer Stupidies site. A little old lady runs across the illegal operation error screen, then hears police sirens in the distance. She thinks she's going to be arrested, so she hides the computer then calls tech support to turn herself in.

Bashir: You ordered me to take care of the ambassadors just to inflict needless, brutal torment on me, did you? DID you?
Sisko: Yes. Bwahahahaha! And there's more where that came from!
Bashir: Um... why don't you inflict that torment on, say, Chief O'Brien instead? He always impersonates you and says that Kirk and Picard were way better Captains.
Sisko: He does? That's it, he's going down. I'll give him seven years of needless, sick torment... Cardassian tribunal, Cardassian jail, temporal anomalies...
Bashir: Don't give him any promotions either.

So that's where the O'Brien Must Suffer episodes came from. The last line doesn't work, though. He was promoted from Chief Petty Officer to Senior Chief Petty Officer sometime in the fourth season.

Constable's Log: Lwaxana invades our space, and we fall back. Lwaxana annoys entire space stations, and we fall back. Not again!

This is a good example of how hyperbole is needed to make a dated reference funny.

O'Brien: Hello? Computer? Who is in there? Do you wish to talk to me about something?
Computer: No. Now go away before I taunt you a second time.

Double-dipping Monty Python jokes rarely succeeds, and it doesn't here.

Sisko: Well, okay, but only if you'll clean it and take it out for a walk!
Entity: RUFF!
Sisko: Mmm, chili...

I know Enterprise well enough to recognize a Porthos joke.

Sisko: So, Odo, how did you survive all those hours in the turbolift with Lwaxana?
Odo: Someone once told me Lwaxana was a predator, that stalked us all our lives. But I'd rather believe Lwaxana is a companion, who goes with us on a journey, and reminds us to cherish every moment when she's not around, because she will be back!

I'm on the fence about this joke.

Memory Alpha

* First appearance of Odo in his natural state.

Nitpicker's Guide

* First appearance of Kira's one-piece catsuit uniform.
* After Lwaxana retrieves her brooch Odo hauls the Dopterian off without taking the rest of the stolen items. Oops.
* One of the ambassadors complains about the gargoyles, which we've never seen. Phil jokes that they're only in the honeymoon suite.
* He also noted the "good Lord" thing.
* I must've remembered the "Quark knows Odo's cycle" thing from the book as well.
* In this episode Odo's cycle is fixed at sixteen hours, it was longer before.
* Phil brings up the fact that the Federation was willing to give the Uxbridges a fusion powered replicator in "The Survivors", so why haven't they refitted the station? My counter-argument is that giving away standalone tech is quite different from spending the resources to retrofit the station. Remember that it would entail a dedicated starship, a fleet of workbees, etc.
* Didn't the Cardassians take everything of value? Wouldn't the computer count as being something of value?
* Phil wonders if the conflicting references to the turbolift as 4 and 7 is a hidden 47. Nah, that was just editing incompetance.
* Okay, the station transporters are down. Why not use the runabout transporters?
* Odo is so exhausted that his face and hands start to sweat. But his clothes don't even though they're a part of him as well. Oops.

[Nate the Great]

May 30th, 1993, "Dramatis Personae"

Fiver by Nic


The Episode

KIRA: Commander, I just received word that a Valerian transport has requested permission to dock here at the station.
SISKO: Let me guess. You're here to recommend that we deny that request.
KIRA: The Valerians ran weapons-grade dolamide to Cardassian forces during the occupation of Bajor.
SISKO: I'm aware of that.
KIRA: I believe they're continuing to ship weapons to the Cardassians. Weapons that could eventually be used to attack Bajor.

Only appearance of dolamide. I'm not fond of inventing something and then never reusing it. There are many established engine/weapon components that could be used here.

This conversation should've appeared earlier. Who controls travel bans: the Federation or the Bajorans? Does Starfleet support species-based prejudice on Bajor? Has the Federation taken the stance that the Cardassians are now restrained in their actions by the treaty, or are we going to act as though the Cardassians are just rebuilding and preparing for another Bajoran invasion?

SISKO: I share your concern, Major. But unless we have proof to back up those charges
KIRA: The proof is on that ship. Let me conduct a search and if I find any dolamide, we can confiscate it.

First, the Federation does not support the idea of "guilty until proven innocent." It never has, it never will. Second, if the Bajorans are really in charge Kira doesn't need to ask for permission from Sisko for this. Third, as Sisko says, there are non-weapon uses for dolamide. Dolamide itself is not proof of criminal intent, so Kira couldn't confiscate it anyway.

KIRA: So we're going to do nothing.

Well, yeah. We don't know if these particular Valerians even have a relationship with the Cardassians, or if they have a history of running weapons for them, or if there's even dolamide on board! I'm not seeing justification for a search and seizure here!

DAX: Chief, I have a subspace message for you from your wife. They've arrived safely on Bajor.
O'BRIEN: Imagine taking eleven bored schoolkids on a visit to the grain processing centre at Lasuma. I'm glad it's not me.

There are only eleven students? Only mention of Lasuma. Of course the fans remembered this, and the settlement appears in a Strange New World story. And since there's a grain processing center there, of course the story involves tribbles.

DAX: It's the Klingon vessel Toh'Kaht.
KIRA: They weren't due back for another month.

What would the Klingons be doing for over a month in the Gamma Quadrant if nobody's even heard of the Dominion yet? Even if there's such a thing as exploratory vessels, it seems like a bad time. The fleet should still be recovering from the civil war.

DAX: According to Klingon High Command, the Toh'Kaht was in the Gamma quadrant on a routine bio-survey mission.

For over a month, before the communications relay is built. That seems like a GREAT idea!

SISKO: I'd like an explanation.
KIRA: I wasn't finished running a background check on their ship.
SISKO: We agreed there would be no delays in the docking procedure.

Exactly. Sisko was very clear. No assumption of guilt, and no tampering until proof of guilt is found.

KIRA: They just visited Fahleena Three and Mariah Four, the same two stops they used to make when they were running dolamide to the Cardassians. The last stop would be the purification plant on Ultima Thule. Now if I can place them there, we'll know they're running weapons-grade material.

Circumstantial evidence at best. Sisko would've never accepted this.

BASHIR: How do you feel?
ODO: Fine.
BASHIR: Good. Because I have no way to know. Your body chemistry defies analysis.

Ugh. I'll skip the screed about how they should know exactly how Odo works by now.

KIRA: The Valerians. Their ship was at the Ultima Thule station one week ago. That confirms it. They're definitely running dolamide.
SISKO: So?

Yes, so? Do you have anything more than circumstantial evidence, Major?

KIRA: That ship is acting against Bajoran interests. This station is Bajoran property.
SISKO: Commanded by a Federation officer. Commanded by me. Are you challenging that, Major?

How is that ship acting against Bajoran interests? Kira is skipping steps in her investigation again.

O'BRIEN: What if it's more than a difference of opinion? What if Kira thinks the Bajorans don't need us on DS Nine? It is their station.
DAX: That would be suicidal. Without a Federation presence, Bajor would be vulnerable again to the Cardassians.

Exactly. Until such time as Cardassia is truly declawed, Bajor will need the Federation.

KIRA: Exactly. And that's just what I need right now. Your cooperation. I'm convinced the Valerians have dolamide on board, but the evidence is still circumstantial. I need solid proof. I want you to slip past their security systems and into their cargo bay.
ODO: I heard that Commander Sisko was adamant about not interfering with the Valerian ship.

Illegal search and seizure, I've ranted about this enough.

KIRA: I couldn't imagine running this station without you.
DAX: Are you trying to tell me something?
KIRA: My disagreement with Sisko over the Valerians is no secret.

Look, I get that there's an alien presence influencing everyone, but that doesn't mean we get to throw logic out the window. Kira's current mental state wants the Federation gone, and Starfleet would not let Dax remain. Nor would they want Kira to be the station commander and in command of Starfleet personnel.

It occurs to me that Kira getting a Starfleet commision in the seventh season was absolutely ridiculous. In fact, there should be a Starfleet training program in effect right now intended to get Bajoran Militia officers the qualifications they need to assume a Starfleet commission. *

KIRA: If you were to talk to Starfleet Command, tell them how displeased the Bajorans are with Sisko's handling of this. I know they'll listen to you.

I don't think this would work.

KIRA: Dax. We have to keep the Valerians here until we can search their ship and confiscate the dolamide. You've got to convince Starfleet it's for the good of Bajor and the Federation.

Okay, let's take a step back here. Even IF the Valerians are running weapons-grade dolamide to the Cardassians as part of their rearming efforts, the Federation can't do diddly-squat about it until there's proof that the Cardassians intend to attack Bajor with it.

[Nate the Great]

ODO: It sounds like there was a power struggle on board, some sort of attempted takeover.
O'BRIEN: Management by mutiny. Standard operating procedure on a Klingon vessel.

Not really. I don't think that "mutinies" in the traditional sense really happen on Klingon ships. They're not needed. All it takes is one guy to challenge the captain to a fight to the death (making sure the challenger gives one of the acceptable reasons for said challenge, of course). He wins, and the crew decides whether his reasons were valid. If not, another duel, and so on.

KIRA: And O'Brien. Either we get a more reasonable commander from Starfleet, someone we can control, or we go it alone.

Oh boy is there a lot to unpack here, but I think I've already covered most of it.

ODO: Computer, open a channel to Starfleet Headquarters.

I find it doubtful that anyone in the Militia would have access to Starfleet Headquarters. No wonder that admiral was mad at Kira before. Why would they answer a call from Odo? If anything I would think that Odo would have a direct line to someone at Starfleet Security and someone else at Starfleet Intelligence, and THEY could inform Starfleet Command if necessary.

O'BRIEN: An hour ago. I've heard some disturbing rumours from our people on the Promenade. I think she's going to make an attempt on your life.
SISKO: I want you to arrest them. Kira and every Bajoran officer on this station.

Since when does O'Brien have control over the Starfleet Security forces? Has Primmin already been reassigned, this is his job, isn't it?

The Fiver

Kira: You are going to support me in my battle against the Federation, a.k.a. El Diablo, aren't you, Odo?
Odo: Um... of course... what is it that you want me to do?
Kira: Send the fleet to the forest moon of Bajor. There it will wait... until called for.

I assume that this is an Endor reference. It seems like a bit of a stretch, but okay...

Odo: Hm, perhaps the log entries from the Klingon ship will reveal something to me about this strange phenomenon...
Klingon Captain's Log: Dear Diary. Today my Operations Officer killed my Tactical Officer. Then the Chief Engineer killed my Operations Officer. Then the First Officer killed the Chief Engineer. Finally, I killed the First Officer.
Odo: Damn, nothing unusual there...

Is anyone else reminded of the Old Lady that Swallowed a Fly?

O'Brien: Commander, we're outnumbered. We have to go away and find reinforcements!
Sisko: Are you crazy? As soon as we leave, she'll attack us with this fully armed and operational battle station!

Yeah, definitely Return of the Jedi. The station won't be "fully armed" until "The Way of the Warrior". As for "fully operational", I wonder if O'Brien ever felt confident making that declaration.

Odo: Doctor, I finally got it! The spheres from the Klingon ship are making everyone go evil!
Bashir: How did you come to that brilliant conclusion, Constable?
Odo: Shhh...
(...)
Spheres: Evil, evil, evil...
Bashir: Oh, I see.

Which does beg the question, what were these things trying to accomplish? Does fomenting conflict enable these things to reproduce? Were they a Dominion plot to conquer without weapons?

Sisko: Good. It's been over a week now. Did you allow the Valerians to dock?
Kira: No.
(Sisko throws his clock at Kira at Ludicrous Speed)

Yeah, whatever happened with the Valerians, anyway? Was Sisko or Kira right about that?

Memory Alpha

* "The reason writer Joe Menosky had Sisko making a clock was to try to convey to the audience that he had become "an obsessive quirky Emperor Rudolph-type" who fussed about with mechanical bits and pieces." Yeah, this reference was way too obscure. I've never heard of the guy, which means obscurity in my book. At least if you do the research, the reference makes sense. Rudolf neglected his duties to engage in his hobbies, which included art and the occult. I don't see any particular reference to clocks in his Wikipedia page, instead it seems like a celestial globe (i.e. a map of the stars visible in the sky) would be more applicable.
* The Saltah'na clock appeared in a number of other episodes. I particularly remember him fiddling with it when talking to Worf in "Hippocratic Oath."

Nitpicker's Guide

* The Klingon ship somehow continues to transmit a transporter signal after it's been destroyed.
* Phil jokes about turning on the close captioning for the Klingon transmission, since everything the Klingon said was in the captions.

[Nate the Great]

June 13th, 1993, "Duet"

Fiver by Marc

The Episode

DAX: Power balance levels are reading normal. I was a champion window breaker. On a dark night with a few rocks, I was deadly.
KIRA: Er, which you are you talking about?

It's an interesting question: how many glass windows still exist in the Federation? I'm not saying that all windows are transparent aluminum in the future, but there must be a more durable option than glass. Something that would resist your standard hurricane or baseball.

As for which Dax this is, I'm fairly certain it wasn't Jadzia. My money is on Torias, the pilot. He seemed like the reckless one.

KIRA: Commander, I'd like to go down to the Infirmary and meet that patient.
SISKO: Of course. Why?
KIRA: The only cases of Kalla-Nohra I know of were the result of a mining accident at a Bajoran forced labour camp I helped liberate. The survivors of Gallitep have always been a symbol to us of strength and courage.

I'm having trouble believing that Cardassians and Bajorans would have the same chronic health effects from the same source.

BASHIR: Will someone tell me what's going on? This man needs medical care.
KIRA: Then give it to him in his cell.

Ugh. The Cardassians would have the foresight to fortify one of the medical bays to be securable. You'd want to protect Gul Dukat while he was undergoing surgery, right? Furthermore, I don't mean to be a jerk, but Marritza is an old man. One deputy in the corner with a phaser set to stun should be able to handle him. Toss in being handcuffed to the bed and he's not going anywhere.

KIRA: The only way he could have contracted that condition was to have served at the Gallitep labour camp at the time of the mining accident.
SISKO: So that makes him a war criminal, just being there?

I don't care to explore the comparisons with Nazi concentration camps or the degree of culpability the lower-ranking Nazis would have. It's enough to say that this specific case requires more exploration.

KAVAL [on monitor]: Commander, if this Marritza was at Gallitep, we want him, and we will have him. Is that clear?

This seems like a topic that needs to be explored more. Were the Cardassians, including their civilians, told to not travel in or near Bajoran space lest they be incarcerated pending proof of innocence in the atrocities of the Occupation?

KIRA: And the Federation has no right telling us how to deal with our criminals.
SISKO: If it turns out that he is a criminal, then he'll be yours and you're welcome to him. Until then, he's just a traveller under suspicion.

You know, they really forgot to resolve the events from last week, because the consequences of rampant suspicion can be politically dangerous. I get that this episode is meant to soften Kira a bit, but I think the writers rushed things a bit to much.

SISKO: I think you're too close to be objective, yes.
KIRA: You're right, I'm not objective.

Yeah, that should be a signal to Sisko to ask for a new liason officer. Kira is not the final arbiter of Bajoran justice, and acting like she is will get her into trouble over and over again and eventually cause a diplomatic incident.

KAINON: I'll do my best. Oh, and Odo let me know when you hang the Cardassian.

I wonder what a Bajoran execution looks like. Probably not hanging.

MARRITZA: Persecuting Cardassians goes far beyond your job, Major, it's your passion.

Yes, this is blatant manipulation on Marritza's part, but the beautify part is how much truth there is. Cardassians take delight in hurting Bajorans, so why shouldn't the reverse also be true. That's one place where the Federation really is more advanced.

KIRA: I hope we don't keep you waiting long. I never heard of a filing clerk becoming an instructor at a military academy.
MARRITZA: Until now.
KIRA: And what did you teach?
MARRITZA: Believe it or not, filing.

Like SF Debris says, she walked into that one.

MARRITZA: You saw what we wanted you to see. Who do you think started the rumours about brutality at Gallitep? It was Gul Darhe'el himself. Now there was a leader. Brilliant, extraordinary man. He knew that to rule by fear was to rule completely. Why bother with actual mass murders, when the mere reports of such incidents had the same effect.

I'm having trouble seeing the Cardassians do this. It seems more like a Romulan thing to do.

DUKAT [on monitor]: Commander, I was led to believe the Federation guarantees the safe and unrestricted passage of all travellers visiting your station.
SISKO: That's correct.
DUKAT [on monitor]: Then how do you explain the detention of a Cardassian citizen?

It's a shocking day when Dukat is reasonable and Kira isn't. As the episode continues I think that this stuff should've happened before "Dramatis Personae", the contrast in Kira's behavior would've been more apparent.

DUKAT [on monitor]: I assure you, Commander, you don't require our assistance. If this patient says his name is Marritza, then that's who he is.

Whatever crimes you can pin onto the Cardassians, lying about your identity is not one that stands out to me. Cardassians would be proud of who and what they are, no matter how humble the position. They would appreciate the necessity of grunts like filing clerks.

DUKAT [on monitor]: I do appreciate the awkwardness of your position here, Commander. This Bajoran obsession with alleged Cardassian improprieties during the occupation is really quite distasteful.

And here's where Dukat loses the moral high ground. He should never be allowed to use "alleged" in this context.

KIRA: All I want is to see him punished.
DAX: Even if he is just a file clerk?
KIRA: That's just it. I don't want him to be a file clerk. I want him to be, I don't know, something worse.
DAX: You want him to be guilty.
KIRA: As far as I'm concerned, if he was at Gallitep, he is guilty. They're all guilty. His punishment will let Bajor feel some satisfaction.
DAX: It sounds like you're trying too hard to believe what you're saying. You already know if you punish him without reason, it won't mean anything. And you already know vengeance isn't enough.

A good conversation. Kira's character development hasn't reached the point yet where she can appreciate that not all Cardassians are alike. Like I've said before, Garak should stand as an example. He never ranted about the inferiority of Bajorans. He doesn't feel the need to lift himself up by tearing others down. When he insults someone, it's about stuff they really did.

MARRITZA: War crimes? How could there be war crimes when there hasn't been a war? Oh, I can understand your wish there had been a war. Your need to indulge some pathetic fantasy of brave Bajoran soldiers marching to honourable defeat. But in fact, Major, you and I know there was no war, no glory. Bajor didn't resist, it surrendered.

A war crime is a violation of the law of war. In reading the list I'm not sure they actually happened, because Marritza is right: Bajor wasn't able to fight a war against the Cardassians and fell quickly.

However, there is the separate category of "crimes against humanity" that don't need a war to happen. Wikipedia has a lot of interesting information on this subject. Cardassia is definitely guilty of these during the Occupation.