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Five-Minute "Dramatis Personae"

by Nic Corelli

Sisko: Major, I hear you're not allowing the Valerian ship to dock.
Kira: Of course not. They are mean.
Sisko: Well, that certainly isn't reason enough. Give them permission.
Kira: I'm displeased.

Klingon Ship: KABOOM!
Transporter Beam: WHOOSH!
Spheres: Evil, evil, evil...

Sisko: ARRRGH, Major, you're still not allowing the bloody Valerians to dock!
Kira: They are the demonic servants of the Devil!
Sisko: If you don't give them permission, I'll advise them to dock right into your living quarters!
Kira: The anger sharks are swimming in my head!

Bashir: Constable, what is Kira up to now?
Odo: Up to? Why would she be up to anything?
Bashir: She is evil. She is always up to something. There is a dark soul behind those dark eyes...

Kira: Lieutenant, I'd like you to keep an eye on Commander Sisko for me. In case he decides to act on one of his ulterior motives.
Dax: Why would he have ulterior motives?
Kira: He is evil. All of his motives are ulterior. There is a dark mind beneath that bad hairdo...

Odo: Major, have you noticed a curious change of behaviour on the station recently? Almost seems like people have become paranoid and malicious...
Kira: I haven't noticed it. Everything is normal.
Odo: Good.
Kira: I just hope everything stays normal until I assemble an army of flying monkeys to destroy Sisko's league with the Devil.
Odo: Oh...

Kira: I know about your dangerous liaisons with the dark forces, Lucifer!
Sisko: And I know about your cruel intentions to feed all Starfleet personnel to hyenas!
Kira: You are a dumb being, created by a dumb being. Finding your weakness will be a matter of two or three seconds!

Odo: Commander, I need to speak with you. I must report a very strange behaviour throughout the station.
Sisko: Oh. That is a most disturbing news. I hope you'll solve this problem, Constable, as you always do, while I finish constructing my Massive Clock of DOOM!
Odo: Um... what made you start constructing a clock?
Sisko: I don't know! But never mind that, look at it...
Odo: It's MASSIVE!

Spheres: Evil, evil, evil...

Kira: You are going to support me in my battle against the Federation, a.k.a. El Diablo, aren't you, Odo?
Odo: Um... of course... what is it that you want me to do?
Kira: Send the fleet to the forest moon of Bajor. There it will wait... until called for.

Odo: Hm, perhaps the log entries from the Klingon ship will reveal something to me about this strange phenomenon...
Klingon Captain's Log: Dear Diary. Today my Operations Officer killed my Tactical Officer. Then the Chief Engineer killed my Operations Officer. Then the First Officer killed the Chief Engineer. Finally, I killed the First Officer.
Odo: Damn, nothing unusual there...

O'Brien: Commander, we're outnumbered. We have to go away and find reinforcements!
Sisko: Are you crazy? As soon as we leave, she'll attack us with this fully armed and operational battle station!
O'Brien: But not if we return with the 300-meter six-headed nine-winged fire-breathing Vulcan dinosaur!
Sisko: Geez! A beast like that actually exists?
O'Brien: Of course. Have you ever been to Vulcan? Haven't you wondered who burned it down?

Odo: Doctor, I finally got it! The spheres from the Klingon ship are making everyone go evil!
Bashir: How did you come to that brilliant conclusion, Constable?
Odo: Shhh...
Spheres: Evil, evil, evil...
Bashir: Oh, I see.

Odo: I will trap Kira, Sisko and O'Brien in the cargo bay, Kira will think I trapped them for her. I will stall them as long as I can, but then you have to release the aquatiblunoshmoozitron pulse to incapacitate the spheres.
Bashir: And then we take over the Alpha Quadrant?
Odo: (sigh) Yes, then we take over the Alpha Quadrant... Now get to work!

Sisko: ARGH! We're trapped!
Kira: Starfleet fool... Only now, at the end, do you understand?
Odo: Um, no need to rush things, Major... let's just all sit down and...
Sisko: I didn't think you'd betray me, Odo. I thought you were a man of your word.
Odo: Um, but I am... I kept my word to Kira... She kept her word to me... You kept your word to... me also. So... we're all... men of our word. Except Kira... who is, in fact, a woman.
Odo: Fiiinally...

Odo: So I wasn't affected, and therefore managed to figure it all out and rescue you...
Kira: Yeah, yeah, there's always some superior being with a positronic brain or a holographic matrix or a liquid shapeshifting head impervious to everything!
Bashir: Actually, me and my pulse are the most responsible for the rescuing.
Sisko: I expect you to pay for all the damage, Constable, since you've allowed the transport of dangerous material.
Odo: Please, don't thank me all at once...

Kira: I'm, like, sorry for all the mutiny and stuff.
Sisko: It's okay. As long as you won't do it again! Won't you?
Kira: Wellll... guess not.
Sisko: Good. It's been over a week now. Did you allow the Valerians to dock?
Kira: No.
(Sisko throws his clock at Kira at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on June 11, 2004.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2004, Nic Corelli.