Station Log: It's the first season and we're the new show on the block, so other shows of this era, like Murphy Brown and L. A. Law, are hazing us all the time. But none has been as cruel and heartless as TNG. For they have sent us...
Lwaxana Troi: Hellowdydoo hoo!
Odo: Good heavens, who is this woman?
Quark: She's Ambassador Troi from Betazed. Why do you ask?
Odo: She almost makes you seem like a pleasant company.
Lwaxana: BUAAAA! My jewellery is stolen! HELP HELP HELPHELPHELPHELP...
Odo: The word "almost" is hereby withdrawn.
Bashir: And this is Quark's bar. If you would like, my dear ambassadors, we could have a stroll down the Promenade now. I'm here to serve!
Arbazan: Good! I am dissatisfied with my 6-bedroom quarters. Transfer me to bigger ones.
Bashir: I'm sorry... we don't have anything bigger than that.
Romulan: Outrageous! You receive distinguished guests such as the Arbazan, Bolian, and Romulan ambassadors, and you don't have a...
Bashir: Did you just say Romulan?
Vulcan: Um... No! I said Vulcan! Yes! Vulcan!
Sisko: Old man, where is Chief O'Brien?
Dax: He's in his quarters, crying. The computer malfunctioned and then told him something mean.
Sisko: What? You're not saying the "This program has performed an illegal operation" line reduced him to tears?
Dax: You keep forgetting this is a Cardassian computer, Benjamin. It told him, "Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries."
Odo: Commander! Can I borrow your toaster?
Sisko: Well, sure, Odo! What do you need it for?
Odo: I want to throw it at Lwaxana.
Sisko: GASP! You most certainly will not!
Odo: I'm sorry, sir...
Sisko: That's the only toaster I have, and it works beautifully. Go throw her off the upper pylon or something.
Lwaxana: Oh, I'm so excited, Odo! I've never been on an upper pylon before!
Odo: You'll like it very much. Your entire life will flash before your eyes...
Lwaxana: Oh, is this because I pushed all these buttons? Ooooo, what does this button do?
Odo: Please, Major, have mercy, get me out of here, now!
Kira: We can't get you out now. We'll get you out... soon.
Odo: Hm... define "soon."
Lwaxana: So... with your shapeshifting abilities, you could do anything... Why don't you turn into Brad Pitt?
Odo: I did once, but then hundreds of lunatic women started following me, hitting on me and saying: "Ooooooh! Kiss me, Odo!"
Lwaxana: Interesting... Kiss me, Odo!
Bashir: You ordered me to take care of the ambassadors just to inflict needless, brutal torment on me, did you? DID you?
Sisko: Yes. Bwahahahaha! And there's more where that came from!
Bashir: Um... why don't you inflict that torment on, say, Chief O'Brien instead? He always impersonates you and says that Kirk and Picard were way better Captains.
Sisko: He does? That's it, he's going down. I'll give him seven years of needless, sick torment... Cardassian tribunal, Cardassian jail, temporal anomalies...
Bashir: Don't give him any promotions either.
Dax: I think I know why the computer is malfunctioning all the time. A space dog lives inside it!
O'Brien: AAAAA! I'm just a Transporter Chief, I didn't come out here to deal with dogs in computers!
Dax: It goes without saying that out here you should expect the unexpected.
O'Brien: Not dogs in computers!
Bolian: I don't care about the silly emergency, we deserve a tour of the station by Commander Sisko himself!
Arbazan: Yes! Suddenly a Starfleet Commander is too good to be in the company of a Gul? When I tell him...
Bashir: Did you just say Gul?
Arbazan: Um... No! I said Ambassador! Yes! Ambassador!
Constable's Log: Lwaxana invades our space, and we fall back. Lwaxana annoys entire space stations, and we fall back. Not again!
Odo: Shut up! The line must be drawn here!
Lwaxana: Where, in this puddle of goo you're leaking?
O'Brien: Hello? Computer? Who is in there? Do you wish to talk to me about something?
Computer: No. Now go away before I taunt you a second time.
O'Brien: But I...
Power Conduit: KABOOM!
Bashir, Arbazan, Vulcan: AAAAAH! Fire!
Bolian: We are trapped in a hopeless situation. Fortunately, my genetic enhancements protect me from the vacuum of space and severe fireburns...
Bashir: WHAT did you just say?
Sisko: Doctor! You're alive! And you managed to protect the Ambassadors!
Bashir: Yeah. Now please escort Subcommander T'Vek, Gul Damarra and Senior Cabal Officer Rilik to the brig.
O'Brien: I've got it! We'll create a subprogram where the entity can live, and our computer won't be malfunctioning anymore!
Dax: It IS a living entity, right? Don't you think we should at least try to find out whether it wants to stay here?
O'Brien: You're right. Here, doggy doggy, here... Do you want to stay with us?
Dax: The universal translator has some difficulties with this, but I'd take it as a yes.
Sisko: Come again?
O'Brien: It's some kind of an artificially intelligent computer program that lives in our computer, and usually behaves like a puppy. Can I keep him, sir, can I, oh can I?
Sisko: Well, okay, but only if you'll clean it and take it out for a walk!
Sisko: Mmm, chili...
Sisko: So, Odo, how did you survive all those hours in the turbolift with Lwaxana?
Odo: Someone once told me Lwaxana was a predator, that stalked us all our lives. But I'd rather believe Lwaxana is a companion, who goes with us on a journey, and reminds us to cherish every moment when she's not around, because she will be back!
(The station spins at Ludicrous Speed... well, no, actually, it doesn't)