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Cliffhangers, Part 2

by Derek Dean

An installment of Cliffhanger Week

Last time on Cliffhangers....

Zeke: Well, I guess it's about that time again.

IJD: We could do birdwatching this year.

Zeke: No, IJD's right. It's mid-June. 5MV anniversary time is rolling around.

Derek: Okay. Religious issues?

IJD: Except the ones that hit you and make you lose heart points.

Kira: Hey, weren't there going to be 5MV T-shirts?

Marc: There was that one with the food....

Kira: I don't get it. What's with you and that time?

Derek: Well, Kira....

Marc: Oh please don't get him started on that.

Kira: On what? You can't just start a story and leave it hanging like that.

Marc: Like what?

Kira: Like that! (points to a book caught in a spider web)

Zeke: Now there's a well-read spider.

Marc: Must have eaten a bookworm.

IJD: What's more troubling is the hourglass on its back.

Derek: Just as long as the hourglass says 7:57.

Zeke: But hourglasses don't denote hours, that's why they're called hourglasses.

Derek: Look, I've had it up to here with your 7:57 intolerance!

Marc: OW! That was my eye!

IJD: Can we get back to Cliffhanger Week?

Derek: Is that really what we have to have?

Kira: You don't want cliffhangers?

Derek: I don't want our yearly adventure to be about mountain climbing.

Kira: I know I'm going to regret this, but what do you want the yearly adventure to be about?

Derek: Well, I think we should be on an alien ship hurtling through space at the speed of light....


Marc: Aah! What just happened to us? Where are we?

Derek: You're in my narration of what our adventure should be like. Sit still and enjoy the ride.

IJD: It bothers me that I'm part of Derek's fantasy.

Kira: It bothers you?

Zeke: Okay, Derek, you're calling the shots. What is this place?

Derek: Weren't you paying attention? We're on an alien ship hurtling through space at the speed of light.

Marc: Kind of slow, isn't it?

IJD: Is there going to be any conflict in this story at all?

Derek: There would be if you'd just LET ME TELL THE STORY!

IJD: Sorry.

Derek: So anyway, some aliens enter the room.

Alien 1: Greetings, Earthlings. We have randomly selected you from the population of the Earth.

Kira: Right. Randomly, but we just happen to all be part of the 5MV Staff.

Alien 1: Silence, human! We will now run gruesome experiments on you!

Zeke: Ha! Do your worst, alien scum. Nothing you can do will scare me.

Alien 2: Actually, all we were going to do was make you watch this videotape.


Alien 2: Just kidding. We just want to interview you.

All: Phew.

Alien 2: And then run gruesome experiments on you!

IJD: Oh yeah? Do that and we'll run ... away!

(They run.)

Marc: Was this such a good idea, IJD? We're on their ship and we don't know our way around.

Derek: I'd agree if I weren't gasping for air from all that running.

IJD: Look, there's a spare room over there!

Derek: With a wardrobe in it!

Zeke: Those cruel aliens! Did they have to abduct wardrobes too?

Marc: Quick, the aliens are still after us! Into the wardrobe.

IJD: Wait a minute, there's something familiar about this.

Kira: The wardrobe's made of cedar.

IJD: Ah yes, that'd be it.

(They get in the wardrobe.)

Marc: (whispering) They're coming into the room.

Zeke: Do they have any videotapes with them?

Derek: Ow. Someone just hit me with a snowball!

IJD: Don't look at me. I don't even know how to make snowballs.

Kira: (whistles)

Marc: Why is there daylight coming from the back of the wardrobe?

IJD: Quick! Let's go into the light!

Zeke: No, I can't! I'll catch on fire!

Derek: I wouldn't worry about it. I'm pretty sure we're in another dimension now.

Zeke: What makes you so sure?

White Witch: What? Intruders! Leave now or face my wrath!

Derek: I have my reasons.

Marc: What's your wrath?

White Witch: I can turn things to stone with my wand. For instance, see that cedar tree?

IJD: Yeah?

(The tree turns to stone.)

White Witch: Now are you afraid?

IJD: I'm petrified!

Kira: This is just great. The only thing that could make this worse would be if --

Alien 1: There they are! Get them!

Kira: Never mind.

Marc: (whispering) Wait, this might work out better. They'll fight each other!

Alien 2: Hi, White Witch! How's it going?

White Witch: Not bad, you?

IJD: (whispering) Now what, genius?

Marc: I don't know. Shouldn't Zeke be making this decision?

Kira: You mean the Zeke that just ran off over the cliff shouting "I'm in the sunlight and I'm not on fire!"?

Derek: Hey, how did he escape?

Marc: Then I guess it falls on you, Kira. What should we do?

Kira: Well....


Next time on Cliffhangers....

The Cliffhangers get stoned!
IJD: Woah, it's like my hand is melting into the sky.
Zeke: Groovy, man.

And the alien vessel gets lost in space!
Marc: Danger! Danger!
Derek: Wait, I never narrated Marc as a robot.

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This was originally published on July 17, 2004.

DISCLAIMER: Will we still dare to use copyrighted material? Will we get sued? Tune in next week for these answers and more!

All material © 2004, Derek Dean.