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Cliffhangers, Part 3

by Kira

A suspension of Cliffhanger Week

Previously on Cliffhangers....

Derek: Weren't you paying attention? We're on an alien ship hurtling through space at the speed of light.

Alien 1: Silence, human! We will now run gruesome experiments on you!

Derek: I'd agree if I weren't gasping for air from all that running.

Marc: Quick, the aliens are still after us! Into the wardrobe.

Zeke: Do they have any videotapes with them?

IJD: Don't look at me. I don't even know how to make snowballs.

Zeke: No, I can't! I'll catch on fire!

White Witch: Now are you afraid?

Marc: I don't know. Shouldn't Zeke be making this decision?

Kira: You mean the Zeke that just ran off over the cliff shouting "I'm in the sunlight and I'm not on fire!"?

Marc: Then I guess it falls on you, Kira. What should we do?

Kira: Well....

Kira: ...I think we should do nothing. Zeke will come back the very next day.

Marc: That's cats.

Kira: Oh. Well, in that case, I think we should use that bazooka over there on the Witch and the aliens.

Derek: What the--? I didn't narrate that bazooka.

Kira: (aiming the bazooka) I think we can all see where your narrating got us, Mr. Let's-Get-Chased-By-Aliens.

Marc: Speaking of which, since when is Zeke a vampire?

IJD: Vampire? Huh. I thought he was just pale because we keep scaring the crap out of him.

Bazooka: WHOOSH!


Derek: (waving away the smoke) Huh? Where are we?

Kira: In my narration of our adventure.

IJD: And look, Zeke's back.

Zeke: I went somewhere?

Derek: Off the edge of the cliff.

Zeke: Oh yeah....

Marc: (I think he might have a concussion.)

IJD: (Nah, he's always like this.)

Derek: Hey, guys? Does this place remind you of anything?

Kira: Maybe you have a concussion.

IJD: No, he's right. There's something oddly familiar about this pastoral farm scenery.

Marc: Almost reminds me of New Zealand.

Kira: You're imagining things. Anyways, so we find this powerful ring --


IJD GAF: Hey look, Zeke found a cedar tree.

Derek: Great. Someone help me get him down from there.

Marc: Kira, this adventure wouldn't happen to have some similarities with The Lord of the Rings, would it?

Kira: ...No, of course not.

Derek: Geez, couldn't you come up with something a little more original?

Kira: Hey, C.S. Lewis? Pot. Kettle. Black.

IJD: Maybe we should find an adventure that doesn't have anything to do with rings.

Zeke: (up the tree) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

IJD: ...or videotapes...


IJD: ...or things coming out of televisions...



IJD: I'm done.

Kira: All right, all right, I'll come up with something else. How about....


IJD: Uh... guys?

Marc: Over here.

Derek: I can't see anything.

Marc: Me neither.

(A ring of light appears in the darkness)

Zeke: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! It's the lid of the cursed well!

Kira: Heheheh.

Derek: Gimme that.

Kira: Hey, that's my flashlight! And I was having fun with it.

Marc: All right, Kira, where are we?

Kira: Obviously, we're in the depths of a tomb or a crypt somewhere. The details aren't important.

Derek: What is important?

IJD: Besides terrifying Zeke.

Kira: Hey, yeah, where'd he go?

Marc: He climbed into that coffin over there.

Derek: Must be leftover from his vampire phase.

Kira: ...Right. Okay, so we're in a tomb deep in a forbidden jungle. We're here to retrieve a priceless artifact with mysterious powers.

IJD: So we can sell it?

Kira: So we can keep it from falling into the wrong hands, obviously.

Marc: Like yours?

Kira: I plead the fifth.

Derek: What does any of this have to do with Star Trek?

Kira: What do aliens have to do with Star Trek, Mr. Smarty Pants? Wait....

Marc: Hey, look, there's a hallway down here.

Derek: Maybe it leads to the artifact. Kira?

Kira: Beats me.

IJD: But this is your narration.

Kira: She-yeah, what fun would it be for me if there wasn't a little suspense?

(After retrieving Zeke from his hiding place, the five staffers start down the hallway.)

IJD: What was that?

Derek: What was what?

IJD: That sound. It was almost like a booby trap being spr--

(Giant axes appear from the walls and take several swipes at our heroes. Dodging the lethal blades, they manage to make it past the booby trap to safety.)

Derek: Whew. That was a close shave.

Zeke: Yeah, we almost bought the big one.

Derek: (feeling his chin) No, I mean that was a close shave. Nice.

IJD: Well, we're safe now.


Zeke: Way to jinx us, IJD.

Marc: Hm... that's odd. I could have sworn this room was wider.

Kira: Yeah, me too.

(After a pause, our heroes realize that the walls are slowly closing in on them.)

Derek: Do you have to keep saying "our heroes"? It's so corny.

Kira: Shut up and help us find something to brace them with!

IJD: Like what? There's nothing in here but bare stone walls.

Zeke: Quick, into the garbage chute!

Kira: We're not on a Death Star.

Derek: You could have picked a better time to not rip off Star Wars.

(The walls continue to close in as the staff watches helplessly.)

Zeke: Well, looks like this is it.

Derek: Yep, we're screwed.

Marc and Kira: Uh huh.

IJD: Unless....


Next time on Cliffhangers...

Marc gets an idea.
Marc: We can shoot our way out with this phaser pistol!
IJD: For the last time, that's a spoon!

And the Cliffhangers find a new ally.
R2D2: Beep doop de doop beep.
C3PO: I don't care what Master Zuke threatened you with, shut down all the garbage disposals!

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This was originally published on June 19, 2005.

DISCLAIMER: Will we still dare to use copyrighted material? Will we get sued? Tune in next week for these answers and more!

All material © 2005, Carolyn Paterson.