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Cliffhangers, Part 1

by Zeke

A suspension of Cliffhanger Week

Zeke: Well, I guess it's about that time again.

Kira: Sigh. I suppose.

Derek: You're right -- it's about 7:57 PM. And there's nothing wrong with that. Nothing.

Zeke: That's not what I --

Derek: Do you have a problem with 7:57 PM?

Zeke: No! I'm just --

Derek: Good. Because there's nothing wrong with it.

IJD: I think he meant the time of year, not the time of day.

Kira: That was my guess, but who can be sure with Zeke's concept of time?

Zeke: No, IJD's right. It's mid-June. 5MV anniversary time is rolling around.

Marc: It is? Already? (checks watch, thinks for a moment, checks calendar)

IJD: Which means, of course....

Kira: ...that's it's time for us to have an adventure.

Marc: (checks atlas for good measure) Indeed it is.

(long pause)

Derek: So....

(long pause)

Kira: Yeah.

(long pause)

Marc: Oh, let's just say it. None of us have any idea what to do this year.

Zeke: We've been to alternate universes. We've done time travel. We've got the T-shirt.

Kira: Hey, weren't there going to be 5MV T-shirts?

Zeke: Look! Up in the sky! It's an abrupt change of subject!

IJD: That's a thought. We could do birdwatching this year. What kind of birds nest in cedar trees?

Marc: Birdwatching is dull.

Derek: Says the librarian.

Marc: It might work if we give it a twist, though. You know, kick it up a notch. For example, we watch the birds, then fight them.

Zeke: Hmmmmmmm, violence.

Marc: Right. We get the 18-25 male demographic. And then fight them.

Kira: (getting an evil grin) To fight them, wouldn't we have to... come out of their TV sets?

Zeke: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! (digs a hole in the floor and hides in it)

IJD: Wow. What was that about?

Derek: And why did he dig the hole with his eyelids?

Marc: I think he was too scared to move any other body parts.

Derek: And how did he dig the hole with his eyelids?

Kira: That was fun. But back on topic, bird-fighting: no.

IJD: Agreed. Birds are peaceful creatures. Except the ones that hit you and make you lose heart points.

Marc: You couldn't be more wrong. Birds are deadly.

Derek: You're only saying that because they see bald people's heads as bullseyes.

Kira: More to the point, it's dumb. So no.

Zeke: Is it... is it safe to....

Kira: (pulls hair in front of face, turns to Zeke, and opens one eye)


IJD: Whoa! I think he hit escape velocity!

Marc: (calling after Zeke) Say hi to Cassini-Huygens for me!

Derek: Okay, back to business. Our adventure has to match the theme of the week. What other themes are there besides time travel and alternate universes?

IJD: "Faith of the Heart"?

Kira: IJD? Hammer.

IJD: Here you go. Wh-- OW!

Derek: Come on, guys, let's stay serious.

Marc: Zeke is probably past Sirius by now.

Derek: Space. Hmm. What about huge space battles?

Kira: Yeah, it's not like somebody's subsite has that market cornered.

Derek: Okay. Religious issues?

Marc: Amen. I mean, ahem.

Derek: Fine -- political intrigue?

IJD: I think I'm detecting a pattern here.

Kira: Give it a rest, Derek. We can't overemphasize one subsite in this event.

Derek: Why?

Kira: Because I don't have one.

Zeke: (in the distance) Heeeeeeeeelp!

Marc: Does anyone else hear something completely unimportant?

(Everyone nods.)

IJD: Okay, so we need a theme found in all the series. Like, I dunno, Klingons.

Derek: We could do the Week of Honour.

IJD: If we can get Kira to be honourable for a week, that is.

Kira: HEY! I'm not evil! That's just a bad running joke, and you know it!

IJD: I know it's a bad running joke, I just don't give a cedar.

Marc: What about food? All the shows have food.

Derek: But how many episodes have been about it?

Marc: There was that one with the food. You know, "The Trouble With Truffles."

Kira: Oh, hey, you're right. Now that I think about, there were also "The Perfect Crepe," "Scone," and some other totally made up episodes.

IJD: Don't forget "For the Turkey is Hollow, and I Have Burnt the Stuffing."

Derek: Ah yes, good old FTTIHAIHBTS.

Zeke: That's "FTIHAIHBS."

Kira: Hey, you're back.

Zeke: No thanks to you people. Didn't you hear me calling for help? I was dangling off a cliff!

(Light bulbs suddenly go on over everyone's heads.)

Marc: Hey, the power's back.

IJD: Cliffhanger Week! Of course!

Kira: Every show has cliffhangers!

Derek: Oh, is that what the rest of you thought of? I was thinking of Coathanger Week. We could give out free coathangers to readers.

Kira: For hanging their 5MV shirts on.

Zeke: Hey, did you guys hear that A. C. von Subject is on Leno tonight?

Marc: This is a good idea. And the best part is that our adventures tend to have cliffhangers at the end of each day anyway, so we can make the actual adventure whatever we want.

IJD: Cool. Flexibility time.

Derek: They just call that flex time these days. And speaking of time, everyone check your watches.

Kira: I've got 5:57.

Marc: 7:57 here.

IJD: Ditto.

Derek: Same.

Zeke: Zeppo.

Kira: Huh. (shakes watch) This thing must be nonconformist.

Marc: It doesn't conform to your wrist? Sounds uncomformable. I mean uncomfortable.

Derek: Well, the true time is 7:57. I think we should all take a minute and absorb that.

Zeke: A whole minute? That's --

Derek: Do you have a problem with 7:57?

Zeke: No, sir.

Kira: I don't get it. What's with you and that time?

Derek: Well, Kira....


Next time on Cliffhangers....

Derek explains the true meaning of 7:57.
Derek: See, it's like a grapefruit. Times fourteen.
Zeke: As a mathematician, I have some issues with that. Like where's MY grapefruit?

And the Russians invade!
Russian: Yo.
Kira: Hey, you're not a Russian. You're evay.
Russian: Do I have to hammer you?

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This was originally published on July X, 2004.

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All material © 2005, Colin Hayman.