Five-Minute "The Locket"
by Merlin Missy

Crichton: Aeryn's been gone for a whole day. I'm depressed.
D'Argo: She can take care of herself. She's an active adult.
Crichton: This is what I'm afraid of.
Aeryn: (over comm) I'm back.
Crichton: Whee! I'm happy again!

Zhaan: Stark! The PK's have been tracking us for over a cycle. How did you manage to find us?
Stark: I asked the marjoule delivery guy for directions.
Rygel: (says nothing, looks around innocently)

Crichton: (hewing path through undergrowth in transport pod) What is this stuff?
Zhaan: I gave Aeryn a cutting before she left.
Crichton: Of kudzu?
Zhaan: (looking shifty) Yes. That's it.

Old Aeryn: As you can see, I've gone through a few changes.
Chiana: Didn't I tell you to moisturize before you went scouting?
Crichton: And we're right back to depressed.

Aeryn: I have to get back to the planet! I left my granddaughter there.
Crichton: Ignoring all the evidence of your pod, Zhaan's bio scans and my own eyes, that's scientifically impossible.
Aeryn: I'm beginning to understand how you got stranded.

Chiana: So. Wanna loot Aeryn's transport pod?
Rygel: 'Kay.
D'Argo: Chiana, stay away from Aeryn's 'ship and go babysit the old woman.
Chiana: But Nor --
D'Argo: (puts his hand over her mouth) Must you embarrass me with spoilers? Now go.

Chiana: So. Um. You're old now. How's that going for you?
Aeryn: (coughing) Water. Please?
Chiana: (turns to get water) Sure! Old people need lots of...
Aeryn: (sees that she picked up the Reader's Digest Condensed Version of "Tek Wars" and drops it, clutching her hand) Unclean! Unclean!

Aeryn: So you understand that I have to take my 'ship back to the planet.
Pilot: I understand. What I don't understand is how the translator microbes continue to pronounce the apostrophe.

Crichton: I followed you down to the planet to convince you to come back. Hey, who's the babe?
Aeryn: I did mention my granddaughter. And before you go Kirk on me, remember that I may be old, but I can still kick your butt.
Crichton: Fine. You stay here on Tattooine, I'm going home.
(Hole in nebula closes.)
Crichton: About this other planet you mentioned. What's it called again?
Aeryn: Florida.

Stark: Let's try something. We'll share Unity, and I'll lead.
Zhaan: (putting on her clothes) Will this help us find out what's going on, and maybe rescue John and Aeryn?
Stark: Um. Sure!

Harvey: Hello, John. It's you know who!
Older Crichton: I won't tell you the wormhole secrets. Why do you keep asking?
Harvey: Partially because we need to establish how little has changed for you over the years.
Crichton: And the rest?
Harvey: I dunno. Something to do while I wait for my battery to finally die.
Crichton: Get a hobby. Have you ever considered writing an advice column?

Zhaan and Stark Merged: I sense... singing Scotsmen?

Stark: What did you say the name of this nebula was?
Zhaan: Brigadoon. Why do you ask?

Even Older Crichton: While it's been fun growing old with you...
Even Older Aeryn: Almost like being in love.
Crichton: What?
Aeryn: Nothing. You were saying?
Crichton: Just one thing I've got to ask. Whose picture do you have in the locket?
Aeryn: The love of my life.
Crichton: You can stop with the Lerner and Loewe references any time, okay?
Aeryn: No, "Children of Time" was O/K. This is the same plot.
Crichton: You are old and senile, and when you are old and senile, you forget it was "Meridian" that had the same plot.
Aeryn: If I'm senile, why are you wearing your underpants on the outside?
Crichton: My underpants aren't... Drat.

Zhaan: Did all of you feel something a few microts ago?
Chiana: Yup.
Stark: That was us.
D'Argo: Drat.
Rygel: Do we really have to continue emphasizing how this is the "Three 'ships, no waiting" episode? And more importantly, when do I see some action?
(A moment of horrified silence.)
D'Argo: Let us never speak of the Muppet sex again.

Extremely Old Crichton: Hey guys! We're back!
Extremely Old Aeryn: GAK!
Crichton: I mean, I'm back!
Rygel: Nice underpants.

Pilot: So all we have to do to go back in time and fix the plot of the episode is to starburst backwards through the hole in the nebula? That's ludicrous.
Stark: There are worse plots for 'shipper episodes. For example, we could implant stereo knobs in the back of everyone's necks so they can read one another's thoughts and discover their True Feelings.
Pilot: Right-o! Backwards we go!

Crichton: Hey look! The monster at the end of the book... I mean, the picture in the locket is me. Go me!

Zhaan: (slowly) We're all trapped by slowing time! I must reach John mentally to give him strength to perform the starburst!
D'Argo: (slowly) Hello? Crichton is as old as dirt and halfway across the ship, while I'm standing right here.
(Bionic Man sounds.)
Crichton: In the time it took you to say that, I reached the console and performed the starburst. We're going back in time now.
D'Argo: So this conversation...
Crichton: Never hap --

Normal Crichton: This nebula looks like a great place to hide!
D'Argo: Nothing wrong with it that I can see.
Aeryn: I'll go scout it out.
Chiana: What's that funny-looking plant you've got?
Aeryn: Zhaan gave it to me. I told her I was having headaches, and she said it was from being too uptight.
Zhaan and Stark: Temporal cold war! Temporal cold war!
Others: What?
Zhaan: We don't know, either, but it made you stop going into the nebula. Go us!

Stark: And now for the reason I'm here. D'Argo, I've found your son.
D'Argo: You waited three days to tell me this why?
Stark: But you don't remember two of the days because they never happened.
D'Argo: Just once, I'd like a time-travel episode not to be inherently paradoxical.

Crichton: Whatcha lookin' at?
Aeryn: My locket. It's all old and corroded. And look, it has dust inside that might have been a picture.
Crichton: I dunno. It looks like cracker crumbs to me.
Aeryn: Crackers are irrelevant. I wonder whose picture it was?
Crichton: Or sand. It could be sand.
Aeryn: You really know how to kill a mood, Erpboy.
Crichton: Possibly kitty litter... Oooo. Crunchy!
(Moya starbursts off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on February 18, 2003.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by The Jim Henson Company. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the world they created. I don't think Jim and his muppets would mind.

All material © 2003, Merlin Missy.