Home Prev 5MF: EPISODES Next Home

Five-Minute "Crackers Don't Matter"

by Merlin Missy

Crichton: Great! The girls are home from shopping. What'd you get?
Zhaan: A blind mechanic who says he can make us invisible.
Aeryn: A beacon from the Peacekeepers with a bounty for our heads.
Chiana: Crack. Ers.
Crichton: No Cheez Whiz?

Crichton: I've been paying attention to the past episodes. You're the guest star, so you're probably Villain of the Week. I'll save time and start disliking you now.
T'raltixx: You've got me all wrong. I'm a perfectly harmless Blindstereotype. When the credits roll, you'll note Scorpius is in this one; I couldn't possibly be VotW. Now please stand in front of my death ray.
Crichton: What?
T'raltixx: Did I say death ray? I meant cloaking device.

Crichton: So am I invisible yet?
T'raltixx: Well, I can't see you.

T'raltixx: We're traveling through the Mary Jane Pulsars. They're occasionally known for affecting lesser species.
Crichton: How?
T'raltixx: Some wooziness, perhaps a desire to look at nice color patterns and listen to "Dark Side of the Moon."
D'Argo: (to Zhaan) Shall we lock up the human now or wait?
Zhaan: (sighing happily) I'll just be over... here.

T'raltixx: You are holding up two fingers.
Crichton: Aha! You can see.
T'raltixx: No no. Like all Blindstereotypes, my other senses have developed to razor-sharpness. Believe it or not, I can smell colors.
Crichton: For real?
T'raltixx: Yes. You're still holding up one finger, by the way.

Rygel: Leave me alone.
Crichton: No problem, Muppet Boy. Why don't you get your overfed underuseful self down to the Center Chamber before Chiana eats all the crackers?
T'raltixx: Oh good. My plan to get all of you to fight amongst yourselves is beginning to work.
Crichton: No, we always beat on Rygel.

Zhaan: You're going to use that beacon to betray us, aren't you?
Aeryn: No.
Zhaan: Are too!
Aeryn: Are not!
Crichton: (over the comm) Do I have to come down there and separate you two?

T'raltixx: (over the comm) Pilot, do you like the crew of Moya?
Pilot: They commandeered my ship and got her pregnant, and then cut off my arm. What do you think?
T'raltixx: Excellent.
Zhaan: (smiling and sighing) "Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy...."

Crichton: Pilot, you notice anything weird going on?
Pilot: Our ship had a baby. Aeryn can't go into a steam room. D'Argo can float in vacuum unharmed, and a sentient blue plant is sunshine daydreaming in the Maintenance Bay. Define weird.
Crichton: You have a lot of pent-up anger, you know that?

Chiana: (seeing Hologram Scorpius) You're a friend of those devils! You're going to look at the hidden message on the beacon and betray us!
Aeryn: You've been talking to Zhaan.
Crichton: Just show her the non-existent message already.
Chiana: Oh ho! Now you want me to see the message! I'm not going to fall for your perverse psychology.
Crichton: Reverse.
Chiana: Whatever.

Crichton: Scorpius was just a hologram. You must be VotW!
T'raltixx: But I'm blind, so I'm unaffected by the pulsar light. And you're holding up one finger again.
Zhaan: "I'm gonna soak up the sun, gonna tell everyone to lighten up...."
Crichton: Please. Stop singing.

Aeryn: We can't trust any of the others. You're with me.
(Aeryn points her pulse pistol at Rygel)
Rygel: Right-o.

Pilot: Here. I've compiled a complete and annotated list of all the reasons why humans suck, with an introductory essay by Leonard Nimoy entitled "I Am So Spock, Really!" You should read it.
Crichton: Can you see the pulsars down here?
Pilot: I'm in a dark hollow chamber in the middle of the ship. I can't even read the script in here.
Crichton: Wait. If the mind-bending pulsar light can't come down here, why did you just insult me?
Pilot: I need a reason?

Aeryn: Rygel and I will just be taking our cut of the crack. Ers.
Crichton: So you've got the munchies, too? I wonder if there's such a thing as an Ice Cream nebula.
Rygel: Don't be absurd. Everyone knows the nebulae in the Uncharted Territories only contain coffee.

T'raltxx: Pilot, I need light!
Pilot: All right, but you're chipping in for the electric bill.

Crichton: Why don't we all lock up our weapons and be friends again?
(Aeryn shoots at him)
Crichton: Okay, Plan B. Pilot, shut her down.
Pilot: (over the comm) I'd rather do Hal 9000 impressions just now. You forgot to state your request in the form of a question.
Crichton: That's Alex Trebek. What do you think this is, The X-Files?

Hologram Scorpius: Name, John Crichton. Name, John Crichton. Name, John Crichton.
Crichton: Oh shut up.
Scorpius: (walking down from beacon) No, you shut up!
Crichton: Because what I really need is an imaginary Scorpius telling me what to do.
Scorpius: Funny you should say that.

Scorpius: Kill D'Argo.
Crichton: No.
Scorpius: C'mon! Please?
Crichton: No.
Scorpius: I'll be your friend.
Crichton: No.
Scorpius: You're mean.
Crichton: I hate it when the bad guys quote The Simpsons.
Scorpius: If you won't kill D'Argo, how about getting a touch of Grey?
Crichton: Maybe later.

Aeryn: And what's up with "Rainbow Connection?" It makes no sense!
(Aeryn knocks Rygel unconscious)
Crichton: D'Argo stuffed Rygel with crackers. You just beat him up. Brian's working out his childhood issues again, isn't he?
Aeryn: (humming theme to The Muppet Show) Hadn't noticed. But speaking of fathers, you don't measure up to yours.
Crichton: Oh yeah? Oh yeah? Well, you're gonna be old, fat and lonely.
Aeryn: I will not be fat. I've seen the script and makeup designs for "The Locket" already.
Scorpius: Kill her and take the script!
(John shoots him into little Scorpiuses)
Scorpiuses: Crap!

Crichton: I'm sure you're all wondering why I've gathered you here together.
D'Argo: Shaggy and Scooby discovered the ghost of Casey Jones was actually Old Man Jenkins in a mask?
Crichton: No. T'raltixx is messing with our minds, trying to get us to fight over crack. Ers.
Rygel: I think we've effectively run that joke into the ground.
(John shoots into pile of crackers near Rygel's head)
Crichton: You think so?
Rygel: I could be wrong.

T'raltixx: I need more light!
Pilot: She cannae take much....
(The Crossover Police make threatening noises)
Pilot: I mean, here's a halogen lamp.

Crichton: We need to get rid of T'raltixx.
D'Argo and Aeryn: Dibs!
Crichton: It's gotta be me. I'm the least affected by the light.
Chiana: He's right. John's defective enough to be perfect for the job.
Crichton: See? Wait a minute....

Zhaan: I've prepared some SPF 1000 for you.
Crichton: Great! For a second, I thought you were gonna tell me this was vomit.
Zhaan: (wipes mouth hurriedly) What gave you that idea?

Crichton: (in light-resistant, vomit-coated suit with goggles, hat, cape and sword) How do I look?
Aeryn: Does the phrase "Joxer the Mighty" ring any bells?

Crichton: Hey T'raltixx! The Electric Company called....
The Blue Beetle: "Oh, I would if I could, but I can't so I won't. Please forgive me if I don't!"
(The Crossover Police rush in and drag BB away)
T'raltixx: You know what they say, human. If the thunder don't get you then the lightning will!
(T'raltixx blasts John with bad Jedi lightning effect)
Crichton: (cutting power) Lights out, T'raltixx!
T'raltixx: Crap.

Pilot: About everything. I'm sorry. D'Argo. Sorry. Rygel. Sorry. Wait, for once I don't have anything to apologize for!
D'Argo: Sorry. Again.
(D'Argo hands Rygel some flowers)
Rygel: Scarlet begonias?
D'Argo: I was going to play you a song, but I lost my kazoo.
(Pilot says nothing, looks suspiciously innocent)

Crichton: You moved this all by yourself?
Aeryn: Yeah. Well... (hides her golden bracelets and magical lasso)
Chiana: So Zhaan, what's the final count?
Zhaan: (smiling happily) 420.
Crichton: Guys, about everything I said....
Aeryn: Me, too.
Crichton: On the plus side, I don't have Scorpius talking in my head any more.
Harvey: Funny you should say that.
(Moya starbursts off at Ludicrous Speed)


Previous fiver: Durka Returns
Next fiver: The Locket


Got a comment on this fiver? Contact the author, Merlin Missy.

Haven't seen the episode? The transcript will get you up to speed.

Site navigation:
___ Five-Minute Farscape
___ ___ Season 2
___ ___ ___ Five-Minute "Crackers Don't Matter"

This fiver was originally published on October 15, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by The Jim Henson Company. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the world they created. I don't think Jim and his muppets would mind.

All material © 2002, Merlin Missy.