Five-Minute "Behind the Lines"
by Derek Dean

O'Brien: Here's the phaser bank's power cell from when we blasted "Kilroy was here" on that moon.
Sisko: We pledge allegiance to the Defiant....
All: Love its endurance forever!
Sisko: And to the power cell and its questionable applications!
All: Love its endurance forever!

Ross: You seem to have the crew worked up into a religious fervor.
Sisko: Well, the Dominion has the Founders, so I figured we needed some sort of god and the Defiant should be it.
Ross: Uh, great. Did I mention I want to send your god on a suicide mission?
Sisko: Damn.

Kira: Damar sure is a creature of habit. Every day, he walks in, orders kanar, and throws it at the mirror.
Rom: Now he's asking Quark if he's seen his PADD with his "final solution" to the Jem'Hadar problem.
Kira: Now the Jem'Hadar who just happened to find the PADD is coming up and smacking him upside the head with it.
Rom: "No, not the hair! Never the hair!"
Kira: Yes! They just broke into a fight! Quick, to the Resistance-cave, away!

Sisko: So my plan is to take the august Defiant through the Argolis cluster.
Ross: Fortunately, it is August since we've been at war for these past three months.
Sisko: Would everyone please STOP DOING THAT! Besides, it's more like four months now.

Odo: I can't believe you set off that fight at Quark's!
Kira: Yes you can.
Odo: Okay, I can. But I can't believe you didn't let me know about it beforehand.
Kira: Yes you can.
Odo: Stop doing that!

Female Shapeshifter: Hello, Odo.
Odo: You're not going to turn me back into a solid, are you?
Female Shapeshifter: Of course not! Now if you'll just step into this freezer....

Ross: I'm making you my new adjutant.
Sisko: But that means I won't be able to command the mission!
Ross: Geez. You're really defiant today, Ben.
Sisko: Hey! Don't take the ship's name in vain!

Weyoun: And so in conclusion I think that we should increase the number of wolves on the station so that -- Ah, Founder. How good to see you. Is there anything I --
Female Shapeshifter: Be quiet.
Weyoun: I'm quiet.
Dukat: I'm quieter.
Weyoun: I'm quietest.
Dukat: I'm quietest infinity.
Weyoun: Grrrr.

Kira: Ha ha! You got demoted!
Damar: I did not. I got promoted.
Kira: From second-in-command to deputy?
Damar: Well, okay, I asked for something with better job security.

Kira: Have you been in your quarters all day, Odo? You sure have been sleeping a lot recently.
Odo: Actually the Female Shapeshifter was here with me.
Kira: You didn't link, did you?
Odo: Yeah, so what?
Kira: Think, Odo! Whenever you link with her you risk losing your soul!

Dax: How're the repairs going?
Nog: Just fine, Commander.
O'Brien: You're supposed to call her Captain since she's in command.
Nog: Really? So what would you call a cadet who heroically takes command of the ship during a skirmish and single-handedly wipes out the Dominion threat?
O'Brien: Delusional.

Damar: Kanar, black.
Quark: What am I, a replicator?
Damar: No, a bartender. Soon to be under my employ once I buy this bar on my Gul's salary.
Quark: And how come you're going to be a Gul?
Damar: Because I figured out how to do something really important, but I can't tell you about it until the scene changes away from us.

Jake: I have a great idea: What if we arranged a fight between the Jem'Hadar... and the Cardassians.
Kira: Um, we just did that. Anyway --
Quark: AAAH! Damar's going to disable the mines!
Rom: No worries. We can stop his plan if Odo can just turn cut the power lines to the deflector array.
Odo: Sounds good. I'll make sure Rom gets behind the lines.

Worf: (over the comm) So when's the Defiant coming back with my honey?
Sisko: You do realize the Defiant's been attacking the Dominion, not beekeeping in New Zealand?
Worf: Really? That's the last time I look up the Defiant's orders from a search engine.

Odo: What's your name?
Female Shapeshifter: What's in a name? That which we call a trout by any other name would smell as sweet.
Odo: But I can't smell.
Female Shapeshifter: Well, in that case you should link with me.
Odo: Okay, I'll link with you even if your logic does seem a little fishy.

Kira: Rom! Abort! Odo's gone bad! I knew I should've checked his expiration date.
Rom: Don't worry. Disabling alarms is no big whoop.
Rom: Never mind.

O'Brien: Here's the phaser bank's power cell from when we blasted "The Dominion Sucks" on that moon.
Dax: We pledge allegiance to the Good Ship Lollipop....
All: Endure its love forever!
Sisko: And to the jolly ranchers and peppermint sticks!
All: Lovely and durable forever!
Sisko: It's just not the same without me.

Kira: Why didn't you cut the lines to the alarm?
Odo: Meh.
Kira: Odo, please. People are going to die.
Odo: And yet, somehow, I just can't seem to care.
(Odo goes dark at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on June 29, 2005.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2005, Derek Dean.