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Five-Minute "War Zone"

by Nic Corelli

Vampires: Boo.
Girl: AAAAAA! Help, please! Anyone! Batman!
Gunn: There's no Batman in this town, but will a GunnMan do? (boom boom boom boom!)
Girl: Believe me, I don't feel very picky right now!

Nabbit: You must retrieve the incriminating pictures of me at all costs. Have you heard of Dungeons & Dragons?
Angel: I've eaten a few.
Nabbit: Um...
Angel: So what's on those pictures? You and four scantily-clad demon princesses?
Nabbit: I wish. It's me and my friends in Chewbacca costumes holding my Uhura & Chekov mug collection.
Angel: Just when I thought this city couldn't scare me any more...

Gunn: Hang on, Bobby! Don't you GAK on me!
Bobby: To GAK or not to GAK, that is the questi-- GAK!
Gunn: Hey! WHAT did you DO?
Alonna: I killed him. You pun like that around me, you die.

Angel: This is a brothel, right?
Madame: Yeah, but go away. We don't do vampires.
Angel: Discrimination! I'd file a lawsuit, but I'd rather go to Bangkok instead. Anyway, I need information.
Madame: Do I look like Christiane Amanpour to you? Beat it, Bloodboy!

Gunn: We must find the vampire nest and attack it tonight.
Alonna: Naah, I wanna go on Tuesday.
Chain: No way! I want Friday!
Some Guy: Yesterday! Yesterday!
Gunn: This is like an exercise in herding cats.

Lenny: AAAA! What do you want?
Angel: What do I want? I want to be the Queen of Finland, that's what I want. I also want the incriminating pictures.
Lenny: Impossible.
Angel: But in that case, I will kill you, you know that?
Lenny: Silly you! Finland doesn't have a Queen. Denmark has a Queen. Sweden has a Queen. Norway has a Queen. Iceland...
Angel: (sigh) Are you finished?
Lenny: No, I'm Danish.

Angel: But no! I'm a good vampire!
Gunn: What do you think this is, a cutesy little fairy tale? Good witches, bad witches?
Angel: Of course not! Now lower your stakes and let's find the Wicked Vampires of the West. I'll send you all back to Kansas once we've killed them.

Cordelia: So why are this kids killing the vampires?
Wesley: Geez, I have no idea... why would anyone ever want to kill sweet, cuddly vampires?
Cordelia: Oh, shut up! I asked for a valid reason.
Wesley: Hmm. I guess killing is a skill like any other and to maintain a level of excellence, one must practice...
Cordelia: Don't make me practice right now.

Vampire Leader: Hee hee hee hee! Silly little children think they've scared us! They have no idea what we have in store for them!
Vampires: Yeah! And, um, what do we have in store for them?
Vampire Leader: The Death Ray, the Lightning Shield, and Satan's Robot! Mwahahaha! They will die!
Vampires: Of laughter, yes. Good plan.

Alonna: You know, I think Angel's telling the truth. He might be useful to us...
Gunn: You stupid woman! It's all an elaborate trick! Vampires being good? That's almost as ludicrous as Garak telling the truth, trains arriving on time, Hayden Christensen learning how to act, or a version of Windows that never crashes!

Wesley: We should hurry up a bit. Angel might be in serious trouble, you know.
Cordelia: Oh, I'm sure those kids didn't hurt him.
Wesley: Do you really mean it or you just like driving verrry slowly in his ultra-cool convertible?
Cordelia: Now listen, do you honestly believe I'd be so cruel and irresponsible as to let Angel get hurt, massacred, or killed by an angry gang just to indulge myself in a pointle-- Wheee! A shoe store!

Angel: All this killing must stop!
Gunn: It will! I promise! As soon as I kill all the vampires in the Northern Hemisphere!
Angel: Gunn...
Gunn: And then the Southern.
Angel: Now look...
Gunn: Is there a Western too?
Angel: Listen, Gunn... can I call you Seven?
Gunn: No.
Angel: Listen, Seven... I'm your vampire. That means I can't always be your friend.
Gunn: Are you high? What's this?
Angel: Referencing. Doesn't work.

Gunn: Hey, sis! Come on, let's get out of here!
Alonna: Tough luck, big bro. I am now -- a Vampire! The Dark Queen! All shall love me and despair!
Gunn: I will now have to kill you.
Alonna: You can't kill ME! I am the Queen of the Dead! The Empress of Blood Sucking! The Duchess of Bitemarks! The Deputy Vice-Chancellor of Fangs!
Gunn: I did have doubts about killing you earlier, but after this...
Alonna: (DUST!)
Gunn: That's it.

Cordelia: Teeheehee! Look at the big, bad Angel, trapped by some cutesy kids in a meat locker!
Angel: Yeah, cutesy kids with enough weaponry to take down Minas Tirith. And where the hell were you?
Wesley: She was driving very slowly! I only stopped for ice cream twice!
Cordelia: Make that eight times, liar.
Angel: That's it. You're both banned from the convertible.
Cordelia and Wesley: AWWWWW!

Angel: I scared away the vampires.
Gunn: Yeah. And what happens now?
Angel: Haven't I told you already?
Gunn: No.
Angel: Click your heels three times and woohoo, Kansas and Auntie Em all over again!
Gunn: And Toto?
Angel: And Toto!
(Gunn flies off in a cyclone at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on October 2, 2004.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of material in here is copyrighted by Mutant Enemy, but since they unofficially encourage fanfic and such, I doubt there'll be any trouble. Unless their legal consultants are with Wolfram & Hart, in which case all bets are off.

All material © 2004, Nic Corelli.