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Five-Minute "Parting Gifts"

by Derek Dean

(Previously on Angel...)
Doyle: Ship out of danger?
Angel: Yes, Doyle. You saved the ship.
Doyle: The needs of the demons outweigh the needs of the humans.
Angel: Or the half-demon.

Angel: So you gonna bring Doyle back?
Oracle Man: He didn't tell you? His mother was Tasha Yar.
Angel: Then how're you guys going to get in touch with me?
Oracle Woman: Well, either with an ex-Wolfram-and-Hart employee or with a young woman, we're not sure yet.

Cordelia: Sniff. I can't find anything of Doyle's. Not his favorite cup, not his favorite car, not even his favorite one-hundred-dollar bill.
Angel: Doyle didn't have any one hundred dollar bills.
Cordelia: Well, worth a shot.

Cordelia: Try Stain Be Gone when you're trying to get blood out of your doily. Sniff, Doyle-y.
Audition Man: Oh just get over your grief and do the audition!
Cordelia: Sigh. Envision the stain gone right before your eyes!
Audition Woman: Let's just call this off before we have any more bad jokes.

Barney: You've gotta help me! There's someone after me!
Angel: What's so bad about him?
Barney: He's British.
Angel: I'm on the case.

Cordelia: Remember.
Angel: Remember what?
Cordelia: I'm trying to pass my vision-getting on to you.
Angel: So you're the new seer?
Cordelia: Yeah, sucks to be me.

Cordelia: Remember.
Barney: Aah! Why are you trying to touch my face?
Angel: She's trying to rip off Star Trek.
Barney: Can't fault her there. I stole my powers from Counsellor Troi.

Angel: Why is this whole building so dimly lit?
Wesley: It's so you won't know who I am.
Angel: Well, your speaker credits say Wesley. Is this another Star Trek reference?
Wesley: No, even better. It's a Buffy crossover!

Angel: So what's your story?
Wesley: Oh, you know. Watcher meets Slayer, Watcher loses Slayer, Watcher gets fired and left for dead.
Angel: So what're you doing here?
Wesley: I'm hunting a demon with abilities comparable to the X-Men heroine Rogue.
Angel: Ah, a Rogue-demon hunter.

Cordelia: Remember.
Wesley: I do. Does this mean we're going out again?
Angel: As long as you're not going out with me. I'm demon-hunting.
Wesley: Shucks.

Cordelia: Sniff. I miss Doyle.
Barney: I sense you miss Doyle.
Cordelia: Geez. Doesn't your power do anything useful? I mean, even my seer ability is better than yours.
Barney: Seer ability? Mwahahahaha.

Kungai: Da guy done took mah horn.
Angel: And I'm supposed to understand that? -- Hey, your horn is missing.
Kungai: Dat's whut I plum said. Dat guy be gonna aucshun it.
Wesley: Don't worry, Angel. I speak jive. He said someone took his horn.
Kungai: I alraidy told yo' @$$ dat. Kin we move on?
Wesley: Uh, he said something about pink underwear in a bowl of soup.
Kungai: Oh for Pete's sake, it was Barney who took my horn and plans to auction it and Cordelia.
Wesley: ...I have no idea what he just said.

Barney: Next up is the seer for $2000. Anyone?
Cordelia: Hey, you can't do this to me. I'm an American.
Barney: Okay, $1500.
Cordelia: Are you lowering the price on me? I'm worth at least 100 times that. Plus expenses.
Barney: $500 and that's my final offer.
Wolfram and Hart Lawyer: Sold!

Lawyer: Now that I'm the beholder, give me the eyes.
Barney: Is your name Claudius? Cause I think we can make some existential joke about that.
Lawyer: No more fun and games, time for Cordelia to lose her eyes. All in favor?
Barney and Hank: Eye!
Angel and Wesley: Nay!

Cordelia: Thanks for saving me.
Wesley: No problem. Can I stick around?
Angel: For how long?
Wesley: Not long at all. Just the next five years... wish it could be longer.
(Wesley sticks around at Ludicrous Speed)


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Got a comment on this fiver? Contact the author, Derek Dean.

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This fiver was originally published on October 2, 2004.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of material in here is copyrighted by Mutant Enemy, but since they unofficially encourage fanfic and such, I doubt there'll be any trouble. Unless their legal consultants are with Wolfram & Hart, in which case all bets are off.

All material © 2004, Derek Dean.