Home Prev 5MAngel: EPISODES Next Home

Five-Minute "Are You Now Or Have You Ever Been"

by Jade

Angel: Find out the history of the Hyperion Hotel.
Cordelia: Why?
Angel: Um... it's pretty?
Wesley: Fair enough...

Bellhop: Aaah! 50s Angel is scary!
Past Angel: Huh. Is it the hair? I knew there wasn't enough gel in it...

McCarthy: (on the TV) Boo, communists! I guess this means we're still in the 50s, huh?

Elevator: Look at me, I'm actually being used! Woooo!
Thesulac Demon: Hey, that's my word! Grrr, as soon as I've finished enhancing this salesman's paranoia I will come over there and make sure you never work again!
Elevator: Uh oh.

Past Angel: Yummy yummy yummy I got blood in my tummy...
Judy: Um, mind if I interrupt? I need some protection.
Past Angel: Sorry, this is the wrong time period for Angel Protection (TM). You want 1997 onwards, unless you happen to be a puppy or a Chinese baby.
Judy: But, butbutbut, that guy who's after me has a gun! He might kill me!
Past Angel: Hey, don't you ever stand for that sort of thing! If someone ever tries to kill you, you try to kill someone right back!
Judy: Um --
Past Angel: Hang on a second.
Door: WHACK!
Private Investigator: OW!
Past Angel: Hey, at least I didn't punch you. Don't you just hate private investigators?
Judy: Does this mean I have your protection, then?
Past Angel: Hmm... no.

Wesley: Hey look, Angel was staying at the hotel in 1952!
Cordelia: Well, color me really really surprised. Except not.

Thesulac Demon: Woooo... Whisper whisper...
Gun: BANG!
Salesman: GAK!
Past Angel: ...Meh.

Bellhop: Hey look, a dead guy!
Manager: Yep.
Thesulac Demon: Woooo! Whisper whisper!
Manager: Hey, who are you?
Thesulac: Just think of me as the careless whisper of a good friend.
Manager: Hmm. Okay.

Actor Guy: Did you hear that they're not going to report the death of the salesman?
Writer Guy: Well, y'know, that's how they like to keep things here in LA... Confidential.

Judy: Are you still not protecting me?
Past Angel: Ask again later.

Random Guy: Paranoia!
Actor Guy: Paranoia!
Writer Guy: Paranoia!
Actress Woman: Hey, what's with all the paranoia?
Thesulac Demon: They're paranoid because I'm out to get them.
Actress Woman: Ahh. In that case... paranoiaparanoiaparanoia!

Judy: So, I stole this big bag of money. Will you protect me now?
Past Angel: Yeah, okay.

Cordelia: Hey look, a newspaper clipping with a misleading title!
Wesley: Cool.

Judy: I'll just tell you about one of my worst nightmares so that something very similar to it will happen to me, okay?
Past Angel: Sure. I'll just hide your big bag of money so that when that horrible thing has happened to you I can come back and get it for myself.

Angel: Hey look, the big bag of money is still here!
Thesulac Demon: Woooo... Whisper whisper...
Angel: And so are you, apparently.
Thesulac Demon: Hey, maybe I've always been here.
Angel: And maybe I'm going to get my friends to come and help me kill you soon so you won't always be here.
Thesulac Demon: Drat.

Past Angel: Gimme the stuff to kill the demon.
Denver: Okay.
Past Angel: Oh, and a little tip... swords are dangerous.
Denver: Oh-kay...

Manager: Don't be paranoid.
Hotel Guests: Aaah! Paranoia, paranoia, paranoia!
Private Investigator: Right! I'm here to help with the big showdown. Take me to your... um, fugitive person.

Wesley: Come forth, oh Thesulaccy thing!
Thesulac Demon: I'll be right there. Hang on for just one more flashback...

Private Investigator: You're the one that I want!
Thesulac Demon: Woo, woo, woo, woo...
Hotel Guests: You're the one that we want!
Thesulac Demon: Woo, woo, woo...
Judy: No, I'm not! Angel is! Angel did it!
Past Angel: What?
Judy: Hey, if someone ever tries to kill you, you try to kill someone right back, right?
Past Angel: Well, drat. Pretend-GAK!
Thesulac Demon: See Angel, this is what you get for not quoting completely correctly.
Past Angel: Oh well. I guess I'll just have to go back to being all bitter and brooding for the next 45 years...

Thesulac Demon: Hi again!
Angel: Hi. We're going to kill you now.
Thesulac Demon: Aw. GAK!

Angel: Hi Judy, your nightmare is over now.
Old Woman Judy: Oh, good. GAK!

Angel: So, we're going to live in this evil, evil hotel now.
All: Cool.
(Cordelia tries to redecorate the Hyperion at Ludicrous Speed)


Previous fiver: War Zone
Next fiver: The Trial


Got a comment on this fiver? Contact the author, Jade.

Haven't seen the episode? The transcript will get you up to speed.

Other reviews:

Site navigation:
___ Five-Minute Angel
___ ___ Season 2
___ ___ ___ Five-Minute "Are You Now Or Have You Ever Been"

This fiver was originally published on October 3, 2004.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of material in here is copyrighted by Mutant Enemy, but since they unofficially encourage fanfic and such, I doubt there'll be any trouble. Unless their legal consultants are with Wolfram & Hart, in which case all bets are off.

All material © 2004, Josephina Delahaye.