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Five-Minute "The Trial"

by Derek Dean

Cordelia: Angel, you are too obsessed with Darla.
Angel: Yeah, so?
Cordelia: You were supposed to balk and say "No, I'm not."
Angel: So what if I'm too obsessed with Darla? You're too obsessed with fashion.
Cordelia: (balking) No, I'm not.

Manners: Darla, there's something we need to show you in this file.
Darla: Okay, but I'm not sure how we're all going to fit in there.
Lindsey: He means there's something in the file we need to show you.
Darla: Oh.

Gunn: Why does Darla's hotel room have all these slips of paper with people's names on it?
Angel: Darla's a survivor.

(France 1765)
Angelus: Geez, this Holtz guy is persistent. Why is he pursuing us so much?
Darla: Why are you so obsessed with him? He's mortal. It's not like he could track us through time or anything.
Angelus: Still, I'd give my firstborn just to be rid of him.
Darla: Oh yeah, like vampires can have kids.

Darla: Will you turn me?
Vampire: Um, okay. ...But now I can only see the back of your head.
Darla: I meant sire me, dummy.

Angel: Ha! I saved you from that vampire.
Darla: I wanted him to bite me!
Angel: Oh. That would explain the blood-scented perfume.

Angelus: Wait, I've got a plan. Bring me a board.
Darla: Bean you with a board? Okay....

Cordelia: Why did you bring Darla here, Angel?
Angel: She's going to spend the night while I prove she isn't dying.
Cordelia: And if she is dying?
Angel: Then she's still spending the night.

Angel: Wait till we engage in hand-to-hands combat, Lindsey. You're gonna be sorry you ever lied to Darla.
Lindsey: It's not a lie. You should sire her so she'll live.
Angel: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. "Why don't I sire her?" Geez, where do you come up with this stuff?

Darla: (singing) I'm a little teapot, tall and, um, tea-ish. Here is my creamer, here is my...
Host: Are you sure you want to save her? She doesn't even know the words to "I'm a Little Teapot."
Angel: Just tell me how to save her.
Host: Well, okay. Go to this place and see if you can take the plunge. Or alternatively, use this stick and break something.

Angel: Ahh, I bet I'm supposed to jump into the pool.
Darla: Um, Angel? We're in a billiard room.
Angel: Good point. I should probably take my cue from the Host and break.

Jeeves: Welcome. You have three challenges you must face if you want to save Darla.
Angel: What's the first one?
Jeeves: Well, the clue for it is "Only the penitent man shall pass."

Demon: GAK!
Angel: Ha! I killed him. Now I can walk through the door, right?
Angel: Sigh. And I'm very sorry I killed the demon.

Darla: You're making Angel cross a room with crosses?
Jeeves: Now, now, don't get cross.

Jeeves: Way to go. You beat the first two tests. Now time for the third one, which is staking you.
Angel: Great. I like 'em very rare. As bloody as possible.
Jeeves: I sincerely hope you're deliberately misinterpreting me.

Angel: Woohoo! I win! Now fix Darla.
Jeeves: Um, sure. ... Well, that's weird. Do any of you know what "PC Load Letter" means?
Angel: No.
Jeeves: Well then, we can't fix her. Sorry.
Angel: Why you little...

Angel: Wait! I've got it! What if I sire you? Then maybe you could get a portion of my soul. Why am I always the one who has to come up with this stuff?
Darla: I doubt it'd work. I'd probably still come after you and hang your friends.
Angel: Oh well. Then I'll make sure nothing ever comes between us.
Lindsey: Except, of course, Drusilla.
(Drusilla vamps Darla at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on October 3, 2004.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of material in here is copyrighted by Mutant Enemy, but since they unofficially encourage fanfic and such, I doubt there'll be any trouble. Unless their legal consultants are with Wolfram & Hart, in which case all bets are off.

All material © 2004, Derek Dean.