Five-Minute "Shells"
by Kira

Wesley: Fred? Is that you?
Illyria: Sorry, never heard of him.
Wesley: Her.
Illyria: Whatever.
Wesley: Well, in that case, I suppose you'll want to be goSURPRISE ATTACK!
Axe: OW!
Wesley: Hm, that's not how that plan went in my head.

Illyria: Humanity. Blech.
Wesley: If you don't like it here, then you should --
Illyria: -- kill all humans. An excellent suggestion.
Wesley: I meant you could return to --
Illyria: -- get the army that is waiting for me! Brilliant!
Wesley: Perhaps I should quit while I'm ahead.

Spike: We should use this executive jet of yours more often. Aside from the fact that we just let Fred die to save thousands of innocent people, this is great.
Angel: You're just saying that because you've completely emptied my mini-bar.
Spike: I'm not a good flyer.
Angel: And eaten all the snacks.
Spike: I was hungry.
Angel: Well, did you have to spell out "Angel is a wanker" with your peanuts?
Spike: No, that was just for fun.

Harmony: Knox, you pig! You scumbag! If you have anything to do with what's happening to Fred, I'll hit you so hard, you'll have to take off your pants to sneeze! I'll kill you and grind your bones to dust! I'll --
Gunn: Um, I'll just be over here, being... innocent and stuff. Yeah.

Welsey: Fred is gone. Illyria has taken over her body.
Harmony: You mean this thing looks exactly like Fred, only it's got a way cooler backstory?
Wesley: Well, it's far more complicated than --
Harmony: So after a few episodes it'll be same old, same old, right?
Wesley: No, this will completely change the entire dynamic of... oh, who am I kidding.

Wesley: So you guys flew to England, tracked down some demon keeper... and accomplished what, exactly?
Angel: Nothing.
Gunn: That's right, nothing. As in, I had nothing to do with what happened to Fred.
Lorne: I should have seen the completely non-existent signs that Knox was evil. This is all my fault.
Gunn: No, it's not, I swear! I was tricked, or at least bribed! ...ohh, your fault. Um, never mind.
Angel: It's nobody's fault. It's not like any of us could have prevented that evil, evil sarcophagus from getting a chance to kill Fred. But we'll find the people who could have.
Gunn: All, right, I admit it! I traded Fred for a shiny new brain!
Spike: Well, let's get cracking then.

Illyria: So, you're my Qwa'ha Xahn. What is there to do in this humanity-infested stinkhole?
Knox: Well, these two mice in the lab suggested that we try and take over the world.
Illyria: I'm in.
Knox: They didn't seem very optimistic that it would work.
Illyria: Meh.

Angel: (on the phone) Giles, it's Angel again. Pick up if you're there... okay, I guess you're not there. Right? Okay, you're not there. Unless you're screening your calls. Are you screening your calls? Because it's really an emergency and my evil empire and I could use a hand -- Giles, hi! Just got in? Right. Listen, I --
Angel: Hello? Hello? Damn, must be a bad connection.

Illyria: Time to get me out of these dorkish clothes. (Rrrrip)
Knox: WOO HOO!
Illyria: And into a sweet leather catsuit.
Knox: Aw. No, wait, still WOO HOO!

Angel: Stop right there! You... uh....
Spike: Eyes off the catsuit, mate.
Angel: Sorry. You won't get away with this, Illyria.
Illyria: I'd say "watch me," but since you're about to be thrown out a window, and I can slow time to a crawl to make my getaway, you really won't be able to.
Angel: Whooooooaaaaaaa....
Wesley: Let's get her!
Spike: But she threw Angel out the window! That was bloody cool... wait, where'd she go?

Doctor: Okay, so there are these demons, called old ones, and --
Gunn: Heard it.
Doctor: And, um, they're all stored in some place in England called --
Gunn: Been there. Give me something I don't already know.
Doctor: Gun.
Gunn: Yes?
Wesley: (cocking shotgun) One "n".
Gunn: Uh oh.

Gunn: Look, Wes, I know what I did seems bad, but I thought --
Wesley: Fred is gone. Nothing you can say will make me any less furious with you.
Gunn: But back in season three didn't you help kidnap Co--
Wesley: Shhhh!
Gunn: Oh, right. Uh, but didn't you... um....
Wesley: Stab you in an irrational act of revenge?
Gunn: Yeah, so you should be a little more forgiving of others. Wait, what?

Angel: You stabbed Gunn?
Wesley: Don't worry, he'll live. Which means we can torture him in later episodes.
Angel: Physically or emotionally?
Wesley: Does it matter?
Angel: Nope, either's good.

Wesley: It's hopeless. According to some guy we have no reason to trust, Fred's soul was consumed during Illyria's resurrection.
Angel: Yeah, souls are pesky that way, but they always turn up eventually.
Wesley: That's not how it works.
Angel: It's not? Then how come I've lost mine three times and I always find it again?
Welsey: Plot contrivances.
Angel: Ah.

Angel: Do we have any leads on where Illyria might be going?
Spike: Vahla ha'nesh.
Angel: That was either a sneeze or an ancient demonic temple that just happens to be somewhere close by.
Spike: The second one.
Angel: Man, how many of those things are there in southern California?

Wesley: Naturally, one of my books has a drawing of Illyria's temple. And this is her army of doom which she will use to bring on an apocalypse.
Angel: Right, so the usual then.

Knox: So, this is the gate to your temple?
Illyria: Yes.
Knox: Looks like an empty room to me.
Illyria: Well, it is, until I use my key. Which I have right here in my pocket. Wait, these aren't the pants I was wearing when I was planning this apocalypse! Blast!

Harmony: I have some papers here for you to sign.
Gunn: The only thing I should be signing is an affidavit swearing that I'm a disgusting piece of filth who doesn't deserve to live.
Harmony: Um, actually....
Gunn: Crap.

Angel: Stop right there, you Fred-killing, apocalypse-causing monster! You're not wiping out humanity today.
Illyria: But if you are fighting to save humanity, does that include this Knox, whom you detest?
Angel: Hm... you know, that is a dilemma, but if --
Wesley: Dilemma solved.
Angel: But I was going to speechify!
Wesley: Make that two dilemmas solved.

Illyria: You dare to challenge me? You will fail.
Angel: Hey, if I can wipe the floor with Spike as a puppet, I can take you on.
Illyria: Hm, that is a good point. Then what is this one's excuse?
Spike: Shin punching is cheating.

Illyria: What the --? There's no one here! Where's my army?
Wesley: There's a note.
Illyria: "Had to split. Catch you at the next apocalypse. Sincerely, your army of doom." Blast!

Angel: So you're not leaving after all?
Spike: Nope. I can feel the vibe of impending doom.
Angel: And that makes you want to stay?
Spike: Hey, I survived being incinerated deep inside the Earth while fighting an army of super-vamps. Things can't get much worse than that.
Angel: Are you crazy? What did you say that for?
Spike: What?
Angel: Now it's going to be way worse than that! It's the ultimate jinx!
Spike: Maybe this time it'll be diff... no, you're right, we're toast.

Illyria: Yo.
Wesley: You kill Fred, try to annihilate all of humanity, and you think you can just walk in here and say "yo"?
Illyria: Obviously, I do. Besides, now that my plans of world domination have fallen through, I really don't have a lot to do.
Welsey: Well, you can't stay here. You're an evil murderous demon.
Illyria: Remind me which one of us has gone longer since we last killed someone? Oh, that's right, me!
Welsey: All right, point taken. But just what do you expect to do around here?
Illyria: Well, I hear your position of science nerd is vacant. Or, you could teach me all about humanity and stuff.
Welsey: Welcome aboard, Illyria.
Illyria: Just call me Fred of Nine.

Montage of Sad Characters: Awwwwwwww. Isn't this sad? Poor Fred.
(Everyone sulks at Mournful Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on October 7, 2004.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of material in here is copyrighted by Mutant Enemy, but since they unofficially encourage fanfic and such, I doubt there'll be any trouble. Unless their legal consultants are with Wolfram & Hart, in which case all bets are off.

All material © 2004, Carolyn Paterson.