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Five-Minute "A Hole in the World"

by Kira

Fred's Dad: I don't see why you have to go to school in L.A. What's wrong with wherever the heck it is you're from?
Fred: But daddy, if I don't go to L.A., how will I ever get sucked into another dimension or get the chance to fight evil demons and stuff?
Fred's Dad: Oh, all right.

Fred's Flamethrower: WHOOOSH
Nest of Demon Eggs: Screeeeeee!
Fred: Stupid rebellious phase. I shoulda never left home.

Spike: Look, I still don't see what you're so mad about. I got the demon on your back, didn't I?
Angel: I just think you could have maybe found some other way to kill it.
Spike: There was something wrong with my way?
Angel: You ran me through with a sword!
Spike: And what, you're mad because this is a job normally reserved for your girlfriend?

Delivery Guy: Evil creepy sarcophagus delivery.
Knox: Right over there. Signature in blood okay?
Delivery Guy: Yep.

Gunn: So, you and Fred, huh?
Wesley: Yep. You're not mad, are you?
Gunn: Nah. I'm way too much in love with me and my shiny new brain to care about anyone else.
Wesley: That doesn't sound like a very healthy attitude.
Gunn: For everyone who's not me, yeah.

Angel: So, you and Fred, huh?
Wesley: Yep.
Angel: That's nice. Cordelia and I nearly hooked up, but then she got taken over by an evil demon and died.
Wesley: What are you getting at?
Angel: Oh, nothing. You and Fred go enjoy yourselves.

Knox: So, you and Wesley, huh?
Fred: Yep. You're not angry, are you?
Knox: You mean because of our supposed off-screen dating that didn't work out? Don't be silly. I still totally worship you.
Fred: Um....
Knox: Which reminds me, there's a present for you in the lab.

Fred: We should be really careful while examining this creepy sarcophagus.
Knox: Evil creepy sarcophagus. And absolutely.
Fred: Oo, a shiny crystal!
Sarcophagus: Poof!
Fred: Ack!

Angel: Spike, this isn't working out. I think you should leave and work at one of our other perfectly good yet very, very far away branches.
Spike: I can't believe you're breaking up with me. After I stuck you with a sword and everything.

Fred: Hi, Lorne. Do you still work here?
Lorne: Sure, rub it in, but we'll see who gets the last laugh by next week. Which reminds me of my one function this episode.
Fred: What's that?
Lorne: (singing) You are my sunshine, my only sunshine --
Fred: (singing) -- you make me happy, when skies are gray!
Lorne: GASP!
Fred: What? Am I possessed by some horrible demon?
Lorne: Your voice! It's terrible!
Fred: Oh. Phew.
(Fred collapses)
Lorne: Oh yeah, the demon thing too.

Fred: So? What's wrong with me?
Wesley: We're not sure yet, but we're going to do everything in our power to make you better.
Angel: Unless it involves puppets.
Angel: What? I think we can all agree I had a bad experience.

Angel: Well, the doctors say that Fred's insides are turning to mush.
Knox: And we know it's something mystical causing it. Probably evil creepy sarcophagus related.
Angel: I'll check out Lindsey's hideout.
Spike: I'll come with you. You might need extra muscle, or to be run through with a sword again.
Lorne: I'll come too.
Angel: What, in case Lindsey or Eve break into song?
Lorne: I'm just lonely, okay? Leave me alone.

Employee: Mr. Wyndham-Pryce, I need some information on --
Wesley: Are you working on a cure for Fred?
Employee: Well, no. We're a big evil law firm and regardless of --
Employee: OW! Why did you shoot me? I'm a fellow coworker!
Wesley: Nothing personal. Just warming up for later.

Angel: Well, well, look who we have here. Eve, do you know what's happening to Fred?
Eve: No, I swear.
Angel: I hope you're telling the truth. Because my friend here is going to be very unhappy with you if you're not.
Spike: That's right, I'll tear your --
Angel: (Spike, I meant Lorne.)
Spike: (You want him to threaten her instead of me?)
Angel: (Yeah, I feel sorry for him. He could use the morale boost.)

Angel: Eve told us --
Lorne: Thanks to my persuasion.
Angel: Right, Lorne. Anyways, Spike and I will go to England to check out this Deeper Well that Eve told us about.
Wesley: You're sure Eve isn't trying to lure you into a trap?
Angel: I wish. That kind of irony is really hard to come by.

Gunn: I can't believe this is happening to poor, sweet Fred.
Knox: Yeah, Fred's swell. She'll make a great conduit for the evil demon that I worship.
Gunn: What the --? Since when are you evil?
Knox: Duh, since now. Pay attention.

Angel: This must be it.
Drogyn: Stop! Who would enter the Deeper Well must answer me these questions three, ere the inside he see.
Spike: Spike, to save Fred, and blue. Satisfied?
Drogyn: Yeah, I'm just messin' with you guys. Come on in.

Gunn: You evil little weasel! How dare you do this to Fred!
Knox: Did I mention that you're the one who got the sarcophagus through customs?
Gunn: Um... no.
Knox: See, Illyria accidentally made its sarcophagus reappear out in the middle of the ocean, so --
Gunn: Wait a minute. You're telling me this Illyria managed to arrange for you, me, and everyone else to play our roles in this resurrection, but then got its sarcophagus dumped out in the ocean?
Knox: I'd like to see you plan your resurrection a million years in advance and get every little detail right.

Drogyn: So, Illyria's sarcophagus disappeared because it was predestined to do so --
Spike: You mean you lost it.
Drogyn: Bite me. Anyways, there is a way to pull Illyria's essence out of your friend and back here, but you're not going to like it.
Angel: We're listening.
Drogyn: If you do this, Illyria will possess everyone in its path and thousands will die a horrible, horrible death.
Angel: (sigh) Then I guess we have no choice.
Spike: Shhh! I'm waiting to hear the part I'm not going to like.

Angel: That's one deep demon hole.
Spike: Yep. Makes a good metaphor, too.
Angel: I'd feel more comforable staring down this bottomless pit if you weren't standing right behind me.
Spike: Angel, I'm hurt. Did you really think I'd stoop so low as to... heheheh. Sorry, it's hard to keep a straight face doing that.

Fred: Wes, why is this happening to me? Did I do something wrong?
Wesley: You know, I'm beginning to think being female is reason enough, around here.
Fred: Say, didn't your last girlfriend die too?
Wesley: My God, you're right! Every time I get laid --
Fred: But we haven't....
Wesley: My God, you're right! Well, there's still time... Fred? Fred?
Wesley: Nuts.

Fred/Illyria: What the --? Dammit! I was supposed to end up in Sarah Michelle Gellar....
(Illyria consumes Fred's soul at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on October 7, 2004.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of material in here is copyrighted by Mutant Enemy, but since they unofficially encourage fanfic and such, I doubt there'll be any trouble. Unless their legal consultants are with Wolfram & Hart, in which case all bets are off.

All material © 2004, Carolyn Paterson.