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Five-Minute "Rm w/a Vu"

by Kira

Cordelia: I can't believe I got rejected by a commercial for garbage bags! Could I sink any lower?
Doyle: Will you go out with me?
Cordelia: ...okay, so I could sink a little lower.
Doyle: Is that a yes?

Doyle: Do you think Cordelia would ever go out with me?
Angel: Sure... if you don't tell her it's a date.

Cordy's Lights: bzzzt bzzzt bzzzzzzzzzzt
Cordy's Faucet: belch splotch blop
Cordy's Cockroaches: Do cockroaches make sounds?
Cordelia: Ugh. I'd better get out of here. This place could be hazardous to my health -- or worse yet, my hair.

Griff: Hello, Doyle. I think you have some money for me.
Doyle: Uh... Doyle's not here right now, but leave a message and he'll get back to you. Beeep!
Griff: That only works on the phone.
Doyle: Oh. Right. In that case, your money is, uh, in that sledgehammer over there.
Griff: Doyle....
Doyle: Okay, okay. It's, um, behind you! No? Okay... it's -- BANZAI!
Griff: Oof! Man, that hurt!
Doyle: Can't hear you, too busy running!

Cordelia: Hi. Is it okay if I stay here?
Angel: Uh...
Cordelia: Great! I'll just put my stuff everywhere.
Angel: Don't you mean "anywhere"?
Cordelia: Nope. Hope you won't mind if I redecorate.
Angel: Well, I... what's that music?
Cordelia: Theme from The Odd Couple. Why?

Doyle: Good morn-- sweet mother of Beelzebub! Cordelia, why are you wearing a bathrobe?
Cordelia: Because Angel is taking forever in the shower.
Angel: I'm done. Help yourself.
Doyle: Why you lousy, two-timing, backstabbing, weasel-like --
Angel: Calm down. I didn't sleep with Cordelia, she just crashed here for the night.
Doyle: Actually, I'm just jealous that you look better shirtless than I do.

Doyle: Has anyone by chance been looking for me?
Cordelia: Nope. Oh, wait, there was this big goon. Yeah... large guy, carried a big bat, kept slapping it against his hand....
Doyle: Said something about giving me my cement shoes?
Cordelia: Oh, so you do know him.

Angel: Tell you what -- I'll get rid of your goon problem if you take Cordelia out.
Doyle: Deal!
Angel: To find her an apartment.
Doyle: DEAL!
Angel: Not your apartment.
Doyle: You're no fun.

Landlord: And here's the apartment.
Cordelia: I thought you said it looked out on the park.
Landlord: Oh, that's a typo. It should read parking lot. If you want, you can switch with the guy next door who lives with his eccentric father. But then you'll owe them.

Landlady: Well, here it is. I hope you don't mind the neighbours.
Cordelia: Did that guy in the hallway just get stabbed?
Landlady: Well, yes, but you know how those Italians can get.

Landlord: Here you go. It's a pretty nice place, but you have to watch out for Charlotte next door. She's pretty nosy and will probably try to run your life.

Cordelia: Okay, these apartments are all too weird. You said you knew a guy who can get me an apartment?
Doyle: Yep.
Cordelia: And this apartment will in no way reference the titular novel?
Doyle: Nope.
Cordelia: Then it'll be perfect.
Doyle: Well, I can't really guarantee --
Cordelia: I said, it'll be perfect.

Angel: Take this! And that! And this!
Griff: Ow, ow, OW! You know, part of an interrogation is asking questions.
Angel: Yeah, but it's not the fun part.

Phantom Maude: Wooooo! Booga booga!
Cordelia: A ghost going "booga booga"? Yeah, that's original.
Phantom Maude: You try haunting people for fifty years and coming up with new material.

Angel: Problem solved, Doyle -- Griff agreed to let you pay up.
Doyle: It's not that I don't appreciate your helping me out, but the whole idea was for you to get these loan shark demons off my back, not tell them I'll pay them back in full.
Angel: But if you pay them off you can enjoy a long, happy life.
Doyle: Hey, you're right. Thanks, you're a real pal.

Angel: We brought you a housewarming pres... what happened in here?
Cordelia: I'm just... disorganized.
Doyle: Your possessions are flying across the room.
Cordelia: I'm... practicing my telekinetic juggling.
Doyle: The wall has "DIE" written on it in blood.
Cordelia: That's... because I'm going to knock it down.
Angel: Cordelia, you can't stay here. It's haunted!
Cordelia: So what? It's not like it's messing with my hair, or my clothes, or my --
Doyle: The ghost just flushed all your cosmetics and hair care products down the toilet.
Cordelia: Retreat!

Angel: It looks like our ghost is a murder victim by the name of Maude.
Cordelia: Can you get rid of her?
Angel: I think so. We'll need some lungwort, and bile, and probably some sort of orb...
Doyle: I'll get the jumpsuits and white Cadillac with fins.

"Angel": (on answering machine) Hello, Cordelia. This is Angel, your trusted boss. Please come back to your apartment, alone and vulnerable.
Cordelia: Hm. That doesn't sound like something Angel would say.
"Angel": And bring my hair gel.
Cordelia: I'm on my way!

Cordelia: Hello? Angel? I have your hair gel!
Phantom Maude: What do you think you're doing here, you little tramp? You're not good enough for my son!
Cordelia: Your son? You'll have to be a lot more specific than that. You're talking to a former dating slayer.

Kate: Sorry. Nothing suspicious happened in the apartment you had me look into.
Angel: What about these three women who lived there and committed suicide? You don't think that's suspicious?
Kate: Meh. I don't like you yet.

Cordelia: Owen?
Phantom Maude: No.
Cordelia: Mitch?
Phantom Maude: No.
Cordelia: Richard?
Phantom Maude: No.

Angel: Okay, I think we've got everything to get rid of Cordy's ghost.
Doyle: When there's something strange... in the neighborhood...
Angel: Hey, I warned you about singing that.
Doyle: Sorry. I can't help it.

Cordelia: Devon?
Phantom Maude: No.
Doyle: (bursts in singing) Who you gonna call? Ghostbusters!
Angel: That's it, you get to read the Latin now. Cordelia, you'll have to hold her off while we do this delicate spell.
Griff: I'm sure it would be terribly inconvenient if something interrupted you.
Angel: Why yes, it w-- crap.

Phantom Maude: Hussy! Tramp! Skank!
Cordelia: I resent that! Now, where was I... oh yeah. Xander? John? Wesley?
Phantom Maude: NO! You're nothing but a worthless piece of trash!
Cordelia: (sob) It's so true!
Phantom Maude: And your hair looks hideous.
Cordelia: That's it. You're going down.

Cordelia: Die, wall that I dislike! DIEDIEDIE -- hey, there's a skeleton in here. Well, that's definitely got to go.

Dennis: Mom, would you please stop putting me in the wall?
Maude: We've been over this before, Dennis. I told you to go to your room until you stop dating that skank.
Dennis: I don't live here anymore!
Maude: That's why I'm building you this new room, which just happens to be in the wall -- GAK!


Angel: Well, I think we've all learned an important lesson here.
Doyle: That's right. I've learned that Angel will rescue me when I get into trouble, so I don't actually need to change.
Angel: No, that's --
Cordelia: And I learned that material possessions can make me happy.
Angel: But --
Doyle: Relax. We've got seasons ahead of us for character development.
Cordelia: Speak for yourself.
(Doyle and Cordelia get character development at Lethargic Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on October 31, 2003.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of material in here is copyrighted by Mutant Enemy, but since they unofficially encourage fanfic and such, I doubt there'll be any trouble. Unless their legal consultants are with Wolfram & Hart, in which case all bets are off.

All material © 2003, Carolyn Paterson.