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Five-Minute "Lonely Hearts"

by Jade

Doyle: I want you to tell Cordelia how great I am.
Angel: But I barely know you! And I never will.
Doyle: I thought I was the one who saw the future?
Angel: Yeah, 'cause when people hear "works for Angel, has visions" they always think "Doyle."
Cordelia: Hi!

Doyle: We should go to a bar.
Angel: Because you want to go out with Cordy?
Doyle: No! Because the voices in my head told me to.

Sharon: Hey look, it's that clip from the opening credits with that girl in the bar! It's meeee!
Demon as Kevin: Hi! Wanna know why that clip is at the beginning, during the depressing part of the music? MWAHAHAHAHA!
Sharon: Sure!

Cordelia: Hi, People In Bar! We haven't found out what the plot for this episode is yet, could you help us out?
Doyle: Cordy! You need to be more subtle when asking these things.
Angel: No biggie, as long as she's the only thing that's not subtle. So, you think this episode has, like, a metaphor or something?

Kate: Hi! I'm Kate. I have "cannon fodder" and/or "evil" written all over me! Really! Also, I have trust issues.
Angel: Oh please. Like "trust issues" doesn't have "recurring character" written all over it. I can hear the writers going "Ooh, tension! We need us some of that!"

Doyle: Cordy, let me start a fight for you.
Cordy: Sure. We need a cool fight scene. Especially one with two really boring people who we're never going to see again anyway.
Angel: Hey, as long as it gets that girl to come on to me and make Kate jealous it will serve its purpose. Now, watch me break the nice wooden chair with this guy's nose!

Cordy: Okay, let me just recap for the poor people who didn't watch Buffy or the pilot: If Angel sleeps with someone he could go all "grr, argh" again.
Angel: And again with the unsubtleness.
Doyle: Well, y'know, people here don't know that stuff. They're all strangers, hiding behind walls, keeping secrets...
Kate: Ooh! I have a secret!
Angel: Kate, you're not in this scene.
Kate: Oh. Drat.

Kevin: Ick. I'm all dead.
Demon as Sharon: You think you got it bad? Look at all this blood on my sheets! Do you have any idea how hard that is to get out?

Doyle: So this bar is like a center for gross activity.
Cordelia: Ooh! Like a miniature Hellmouth!
Doyle: ...No.
Angel: Well, I'm gonna go to the bar and try to find myself a killer. I miss hanging out with evil chicks like Darla.
Doyle: Da-Who?
Cordelia: Oh, don't worry about Darla. She's dead. Not coming back. Nope, not ever. Really!

Kate: Heard you were looking for a killer?
Angel: Yeah. Are you one?
Kate: Um, er, no! But hey, look what this bar is called. "D'oblique", as in oblique, meaning misleading or dishonest.
Angel: Huh. Do something suspicious that I won't notice.
Kate: I think I just did, nitwit.

Angel: So, is the killer here?
Bartender: Yep, right over-- oh darn, you just missed her.
Angel: Great! Now I get to chase her across town really fast and stuff. I look really cool with my coat billowing out behind me, y'know.
Kate: Ooh, this I gotta see!

Doyle: So you hate all demons?
Cordelia: Yup.
Doyle: So no chance of you kissing me?
Cordelia: Not until the day you die, buster.

Sharon: Ick. I'm all dead.
Demon as Screech: And if I don't keep jumping from body to body I die. Does that seem fair to you?
Angel: Ah-ha! I've found you, evil eviscerating-demon!
Demon as Screech: Um, bye.
Kate: Ah-ha! I've found you, evil murderer! By the way, I'm a cop.
Angel: Ohh! Drat.

Angel: Okay, I'm just gonna say I didn't do it and then hit you and jump out the window. Deal?
Kate: You're sure I get to be a recurring character?
Angel: Yep.
Kate: Hmm. Okay then.

Demon as Screech: Hehe. I'm hiding right outside the window and he didn't see me. Dork. MWAHAHAHAHA!

Cordelia: Welcome to my home slash trash heap.
Angel: Okay, I'm just gonna come in, tell you guys what's going on, and leave again.
Doyle: No, wait! First I have to explain to the viewer-- um, I mean, Cordelia, that you have to be invited into a home unless the person living there is dead.
Cordelia: Oh yeah! You'd think I would know that, coming from Sunnydale and all... Come in, Angel.
Doyle: See, now you can come in. The Trash Heap has spoken.

Kate: Ooh, montage in which I get to search Angel's house. Neat.

Angel: Notice how it's almost light and yet I'm not hurrying along this street in any way? D'you think that's cool? Or just stupid?

Doyle: The demon is really strong, but like most has A Weakness: Fire. See how this time when we did research we actually found something useful, if slightly clichéd?
Cordelia: Plus we know the demon's name!
Doyle: I stress, something useful.

Angel: (on the phone) Hi Kate, wanna come watch my coat billow again?
Kate: Sure!

Kate: I'm looking for Angel.
Demon as Bartender: I haven't seen him, but if you like I could lie and say he was out back and then hit you over the head so I can transfer the demon to you.
Kate: Sure, that sounds good.

Angel: Ooh, my turn to hit someone over the head! Sorry demon guy, but I need to keep Kate until I have an epiphany.
Demon as Bartender: Drat. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to push you down some stairs so you land on top of each other in a suggestive position. And then I'll even lock you in, give you some privacy, how's about that?

Demon as Bartender: Hey, wanna be demon fodder?

Angel: Look, I'm Batman! I have these cool gadgets that... make stuff fall on our heads. Drat.

Demon as Bartender: Hey, wanna be demon fodder? Please?

Kate: Look how cool I am, I can shoot the lock and let us out!
Angel: Then why didn't you do it five minutes ago?
Kate: I wasn't cool enough yet.

Demon as Bartender: You! Be demon fodder! I'm looking too much like a zombie to ask nicely anymore.

Angel: Victim Girl, run while I fight the evil demon.
Victim Girl: Heh, wouldn't it be funny if I said no?
Angel: No.
Victim Girl: Oh. Okay then. Hey look, a convenient barrel of fire!
Angel: Thanks!

Demon as Bartender: Aaaaaaargh! I'm buuuuuurniiiiing!
Kate's Gun: BANG BANG!
Demon as Bartender: Great. Way to ruin my death scene. I was having so much fun screaming and flailing my arms about, but you just had to cut it short, didn't you!? You know, if I--
Angel: Dude, you're dead.
Demon as Bartender: Oh yeah. Sorry.

Kate: So Angel, I searched your place.
Angel: Oh no. Listen, about that blood in the fridge, it's really... um, it's for...
Kate: Blood? What blood? I opened the fridge, looked inside, didn't see any blood.
Angel: No... bags of red liquid?
Kate: Didn't notice any.
Angel: Okay, are you sure you're a cop? With training?
Kate: Yep.
Angel: Oh-kay... I'm just gonna disappear now. In a shot that reminds me strangely of Graduation Day...

Angel: And thus endeth my second adventure. Yayness.
(Angel sits in the dark and does nothing at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on September 29, 2003.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of material in here is copyrighted by Mutant Enemy, but since they unofficially encourage fanfic and such, I doubt there'll be any trouble. Unless their legal consultants are with Wolfram & Hart, in which case all bets are off.

All material © 2003, Josephina Delahaye.