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Five-Minute "City Of...."

by Zeke

Angel: I'm alone. In an un--(hic)--licensed bar of the locality....

Girl 1: You guys are cool. Cool to the touch, in f-- Ow! Let go!
Vampire 1: Nah. Let's go have some... fun.
Angel: Fun, eh? Sounds like fun. Can I come?
Vampire 2: Ewwwww!
Angel: Suit yourself.
Stealth-Mini-Vamp-Staker-2000s: (LAUNCH)
Vampires: GAK!
Angel: Where I come from, we stake our own fun.

Girl 2: Wow, you saved us! Stop staring at my chest.
Angel: I'm not. I'm staring at the blood on your forehead.
Girl 2: Oh. Well, it's still sexist. I think.

Doyle: (whistles)
Angel: Heyyy, there wasn't a whistler in my apartment when I left. Who are you?
Doyle: Doyle's the name. Pleased ta meetcha. We can make acquaintances after I'm done doublin' as the Previously on Buffy the Vampire Slayer guy.
Angel: I hate that guy. He always focuses on the parts where I kill people.
Doyle: Ya gotta admit, those are the interestin' parts. I ain't gonna recap your T'ai Chi sessions. An' let's not even discuss you and ice cream.

Angel: Who sent you and how do I send you back?
Doyle: I work for the Powers That Be. It's about like your average job, what with the massive headaches and the visions of the future. Here. (hands Angel a note)
Angel: "Tina. Coffee Spot. Inconveniently Buffy-lookin' an' bright as a coal car." You write with an Irish accent?
Doyle: She's gonna be in trouble, an' it's up to you ta save 'er. How? Don' know. Why? Beats me. Beer? Thanks, don' mind if I do. Good luck.

Tina: "This is the job that never ends... yes it goes on and on my --" Whoa!
Angel: Here, I caught your coffee cup.
Tina: Why is it still spilling?
Angel: Caffeine makes me jittery. Are you busy after your shift? It'll take me about that long to come down from this.

Tina: Thanks for waiting. Now hold still while I mace you.
Angel: (leaps to one side) Wait, wrong kind of mace. Why?
Tina: You're working for Russell!
Angel: Russell?
Tina: Aha! I was right! You mentioned him!
Angel: Mentioned who?
Tina: Oh. Maybe I was wrong. I guess I'll let you drive me to the party I'm going to. But one false move and I mace you.
Angel: Nice try, but I'm not leaping again.

Angel: What the--?
Tina: You must be new in town. Florida gets hurricanes, Canada gets ice storms, we get blipverts. You'll adjust.
Angel: Yeah, but will the focus?

Margo: Tina! So good to see you. How's being stalked working out for you?
Angel: You guys talk, I'll be over here not killing people.
Oliver: Hey! You look like a guy who could use a fruity agent!
Angel: It'll be hard, but I'll manage.

Cordelia: Wow! Angel! It's so good and awkward to see you again!
Angel: Yeah, you too. What brings you to L. A.?
Cordelia: Oh, same reason anyone comes here. To get as far away from Xander as I could afford. You?
Angel: Same.

Tina: Okay, let's go. I've had enough fakeness for a while.
Angel: Then won't we have to leave California entirely? -- OW!
Thugs: Sorry to interrupt. (WHAM) Okay, we're not sorry. Grab her!
Angel: Mace them, Tina! No, wait, I guess you can't swing that thing in close quarters....

(Angel leaps dramatically into a car)
Ignition: Pfft. Not with that key.
Angel: Again? This is the twelfth one I've tried! Oh well, on to the next one....
And so Angel finds himself leaping from car to car, striving to put in gear what once was in park, and hoping each time that his next leap... will be the leap home.
Angel: Cut that out.
Doyle: Sorry.

Stacy: That was some fancy drivin', but you're no match for me.
Angel: How do you know? What if I were a vampire or something?
Stacy: Vampires are easy to beat -- you just need the right cross.
Angel: (WHAM) Will a left cross do?

Cordelia's Agent: (on answering machine) Wow, what a day! Five job offers from major studios... too bad they were all for me. You still suck. Bye.
Cordelia: Stupid agent. He's just grudgy because I never pay him.

Tina: Thanks so much for doing all that. You're like some kind of guardian... knight.
Angel: You're thinking of my cousin Nick. So who is this Russell guy?
Tina: He's my ex-boyfriend. He's... he's really obsessive about girls. So obsessive I think he kills them.
Angel: I can rela-- er, really see why that upsets you.
Tina: The last one, Denise... I never heard from her again....
Angel: I wouldn't worry about it. Denises don't stay dead long.

Google: Enter query.
Angel: "Murders, young women."
Google: 311,000 results found.
Angel: ...Oh. This may be slightly harder than I thought.

Tina: Zzzz... Spike, is it? Nice to meet you too....
Angel: Tina, wake up! You're having a nightmare! Now listen... I looked up this Denise girl and you were right, Russell did kill him. Then she had a daughter in an alternate timeline and it all gets confusing, but --
Tina: Why do you smell like the sewer?
Angel: Um --
Tina: And what's with this slip of paper? Bright as a coal car, am I? You never even told me you were Irish!
Angel: Tina, come back! I can expl-- (bursts into flames in the sunlight)
Tina: EEEEK! (runs off)
Angel: Explain. I was going to say explain. Not explode.

Russell: There you are! I've been looking all over for you, baby. I must have killed half your friends for information.
Tina: Oh, Russell... you're so sweet... so lesser of two evils....
Russell: What, there's another guy?
Tina: He seemed so nice at first, but then he was some kind of monster!
Russell: (vamps out) Geez, what a mooch. That's my thing.

Angel: Tina! Noooo! He got you! (sniffs) And he drank all your blood! That murdering hog!

Doyle: You can't blame yourself for this, Angel.
Angel: Is that a challenge? I'll have you know I have yet to find something I can't blame myself for. See this trophy?
Doyle: "World Self-Blame Olympics 1998: Champion Standing." Wow! Gotta admit, I'm impressed.
Angel: I don't blame you. I blame myself.

Russell: That was fun. I trust you've set up an alibi for me?
Lindsey: We've got five witnesses who'll tell the police you were at the synagogue.
Russell: Good. Hmm, all that eating has made me hungry. Fetch me that long-named girl from the party.
Lindsey: An excellent choice, sir. She's clearly fat-free.
Russell: By the way, what was I doing at the synagogue?
Lindsey: Claiming you would destroy it and then build a new one in three days. False witnesses like to say that stuff.

Angel: Talk, you girly man! Where's Russell?
Stacy: I can't talk! You're crushing my windpipe!
Angel: Then you'd better hurry up so you won't have to find another orifice to answer from.
Stacy: All right, fine! He's at his mansion. Now you answer me something: why did you call me a girly man?
Angel: What kind of thug name is "Stacy"?

Cordelia: I will succeed... I will succeed... I will succeed....
Margo: (over the phone) Hey Cordy, guess who wants to meet you? Russell!
Cordelia: Oo, a gladiator!
Margo: No, Russell Winter. He's really important -- he's been around here forever. He can help you succeed!
Cordelia: Sweet! Next I'll start reciting "I will gain super powers."

Doyle: Lotta weapons ya got here. What's this big puppy?
Angel: Stake-inator 3000. It launches 100 stakes a second and takes two days to reload. My supplier's kind of excessive.
Doyle: Well, bash the bugger one for me. I'll be --
Angel: -- behind the wheel. You're doubling as chauffeur.
Doyle: What? You're a big boy now, man! You can drive your own car!
Angel: Ah, but I can't find my own car.

Cordelia: Russell, right? It's great to meet you! Stop staring at my chest.
Russell: I'm not. I'm staring at your neck.
Cordelia: Oh. Well, it's still sexist. I think.

Angel: I'm going in. If I'm not out in ten minutes, you can leave.
Doyle: Ten minutes, eh? That ain't much time. I may as well leave n--
Angel: Okay, I'm taking the keys.

Cordelia: Wait a minute! You're a vampire!
Russell: What? Why do you think that?
Cordelia: I tried to reflect on you -- and I couldn't!
Russell: Okay, you win. But in fairness, you probably couldn't reflect on anything more complicated than a soap bubble.
Cordelia: Also, you have vampire hair.

Russell: Come back, honey. This'll only hurt for eterni--
Angel: Russell Winters! Your angel of death awaits.
Cordelia: Ooo! It's Angel! You're so dead, Russell.
Russell: Yes, you figured that out already and we were all very impressed.
Cordelia: Re-dead. Whatever.

Russell: OW! OW! Guards!
Angel: Guards? Wait, that's not a sound eff--
Guards' Guns: (BLAM BLAM BLAM)
Angel: Ooookay, time to go. (leaps down from balcony)
Cordelia: Angel!
Angel: Oh, right. (leaps back up, grabs Cordy, leaps back down)

Doyle: I can kill demons. I can crash cars... things are lookin' up!
Angel: Hey, thanks for waiting, Doyle. And how did you start the ignition?
Doyle: You took some other car's keys by mistake.

Cordelia: I'm so sorry you had to get shot saving me, Angel. Not as sorry as if I'd gotten shot, though. Need help getting the bullets out?
Angel: Ow! No, Doyle can double as a medic.
Doyle: Sure'n you've got me doin' a lot of doublin' today, man.
Angel: I figure it can't be too hard for a Dubliner.

Russell: Hey, you can't come in here. This is a private meeting between a man and his evil lawyers.
Angel: I'll just be a second. Well, five to seven, depending how high up we are. (kicks Russell's chair through the window; he explodes)
Lindsey: Ouch. Talk about an involuntary Russell movement.
Other Lawyer: I'm confused. Why wasn't he burning up already? It's bright in here.
Lindsey: Necro-tinted glass.
Other Lawyer: Okay, so why isn't Angel burning up now?

Doyle: You look pretty down.
Angel: If you're sticking around, get used to it.
Doyle: Don't mind if I do, then. An' guess who else wants to?
Cordelia: Hi! I'll totally be useful. Totally.
Angel: (thinks) Could be worse. Could be Wesley.
Doyle: Well, this is perfect, man! You've got a whole evil-fightin' team together. Ain't that better'n flying soul-o?
(Angel and Cordy glare)
Doyle: I'll just be keepin' the soul jokes to m'self from now on then.
(The series begins at Soulful Speed)


Next fiver: Lonely Hearts


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This fiver was originally published on October 2, 2004.

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All material © 2004, Zeke.